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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that partner looked during childbirth?

876 replies

IsoBordem · 09/08/2020 09:06

I recently had a pretty terrible birth experience. It was the most dehumanising experience I have ever gone through. The hourly internal exams (done twice due to a student midwife) was already pushing my limits.

Before the birth I had one request for my partner - I did not want him looking down there at any point. During the delivery the doctors offered for him to have a look, even though I said I would prefer if he didn't. He ended up watching twice.

I know I am likely being unreasonable to be annoyed. I just wished the one person who was meant to be supporting me would have listened to my wishes rather than dismissing me like my doctor did.

OP posts:
MouthBreathingRage · 09/08/2020 10:06

I think you set him up to fail with unrealistic expectations. There will have been a massive instinct to check the baby was ok and to see the baby emerging

Yes, it's very unrealistic to expect men to follow one simple request from their labouring wife isn't it? How could the poor man possibly fully support his partner as she goes through one of the most physically difficult experiences a woman can, his brain obviously can only focus on one thing at a time and seeing 'his' baby being born in full detail takes priority in man-brain. Poor, poor man.

Dogsgowoofwoof · 09/08/2020 10:07

I’m glad my dh looked, I think he was actually very shocked and what my poor bits endured for us to have a child.

Flaxmeadow · 09/08/2020 10:08

My childrens father wasn't there for their births. My choice and I don't regret it. He respected my choice and agreed that it was entirely up to me

Choochoose · 09/08/2020 10:09

*As for students - how do you think they train??? My dd2 was delivered by a student, the first time she ever did it (obviously fully trained one next to her) I was asked if it was ok. The lovely student asked if she could have a picture holding dd and a few days later I got a lovely letter from her to my home thanking me for allowing her to deliver dd and she would never forget her first."

Plenty of women are happy to have students, but those who don't shouldn't feel forced to. Also how did she get your address, that's weird.

Iloveyoutothefridgeandback · 09/08/2020 10:09

Some people have entirely missed the point. It doesn't matter if you think it's precious, silly or whatever - it is not your body. How dare you be so patronsining? The OP explicitly told the doctor (and her partner) that she didn't want her partner looking down there during the birth, and then the doctor repeatedly asked the partner if he wanted to look, and in the end the partner did. That is so dehumanizing. She is a patient, not a breeding sow in a petting zoo. She is entitled to have her privacy respected.

I would be furious and make a complaint. Why even bother asking if you are comfortable with something if you're just going to do it anyway?

Flaxmeadow · 09/08/2020 10:10

This thread is an embarrassment. 'It's his baby'- yes but it's her body firstly and foremost. Society still has a long way to go in understanding and accepting that a pregnant/labouring woman still has rights to her own body, no ifs or buts. If the op didn't want her husband 'looking' then he should bloody well accepting that. He was there to support his wife whilst she was in labour, be her advocate, not give her any reason for extra stress. He could still watch his child be born, there's no need for any partner to be on the bottom end to see every gory detail

This.

SinkGirl · 09/08/2020 10:11

Most of these comments are an utter disgrace. I have tokophobia and was having counselling through my pregnancy for it until an elective section was booked. This is linked to past sexual abuse and traumatic medical experiences. It sounds like OP had a lot of fear around certain aspects of birth and this was one of them - she deserved to have her wishes respected by her partner, and for him to advocate for her at a time where she was terrified and vulnerable. This shouldn’t be difficult to understand just because you feel differently.

oakleaffy · 09/08/2020 10:11

If no one else wants their DH/DP copping a look in the heat of the moment, tie him by a short leash to the head of the bed.

I understand totally his curiosity ''Oh look! an amazing Eclipse of the Sun...DON'T LOOK''

Almost impossible not to look at one's amazing Firstborn emerging for a man.

mummmy2017 · 09/08/2020 10:12

I think your focusing your upset on your other half over something you thought you could control, because the rest was not as you expected.
Please forgive him and don't turn one thing into a mountain, you have your healthy baby, and need to accept you can't change what happened.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 09/08/2020 10:14

Almost impossible not to look at one's amazing Firstborn emerging for a man.

Aww he just couldn't help himself,could he? I've heard that excuse before...

SansaSnark · 09/08/2020 10:14

This thread has made me so angry on your behalf OP.

This was a clear violation of your consent- it is totally understandable that you feel violated by this. I would be so disgusted and pissed off.

The fact that so many women actually think this is acceptable also disgusts me.

All you're basically saying is "A woman has a right to control her own body, until man's desire overrides that". It doesn't matter if you don't think it matters, or the reasons are silly, or you wanted something different. It's her body, and it's her choice.

Who the fuck cares if he wanted to see his child born? It's her body, he should have respected her wishes. She's right to be angry with him.

SansaSnark · 09/08/2020 10:15

People saying stuff like "he can't control himself"- just listen to yourselves. Would you accept this as a justification for sexual assault, too?

Of course men can control themselves. They just choose not to.

oakleaffy · 09/08/2020 10:16

My childrens father wasn't there for their births. My choice and I don't regret it. He respected my choice and agreed that it was entirely up to me

This...If one is worried about DH/DP ''looking''.Far better not to have him in the room at all.

Many years ago, men were asked to wait outside anyway.

RidingOn · 09/08/2020 10:17

What a shame for you, IsoBordem. You absolutely should have been listened to! If your husband had wanted to watch the baby emerging, he should have said so before the birth, and you would have been able to talk it through.

But I agree that the medics attending your birth are far more to blame than your husband, who may have been really scared, panicking, confused, felt pressurised to look, etc.

He probably meant to help you, and he must be feeling so inadequate that he let you down in your hour of greatest need. I hope you'll be able to forgive him.

piscean10 · 09/08/2020 10:17

OP you had a VD- you wanting to control who looks or not is long gone at this point. I think you are upset at your medical treatment and understandably so. But you are taking this out on your dh. He might have wanted to fully respect your wishes but during the actual birth and the baby arriving all that might have went out the window.
It seems like you had no control over your experience with the medical team and you tried to get some control of this back through your dh.
I dont think your dh was unreasonable at all.
Your anger and reasoning seems misplaced.

Sexnotgender · 09/08/2020 10:19

I forgot to say congratulations @IsoBordem you are TOTALLY not being unreasonable and I’m 100% on your side, I just hope you can move past this and enjoy your beautiful new baby Flowers

Wishimaywishimight · 09/08/2020 10:19

I'm actually finding it quite upsetting how dismissive so many women on here are of the OPs distress. She was absolutely entitled to request that her partner respect her wishes during such a vulnerable experience. His right to see what was going on with her body in no way over-rides her right to bodily integrity.

oakleaffy · 09/08/2020 10:19

Seeing one's own Son or Daughter born can not be compared with sexual assault as implied by some!

Lots of man haters on here..?

Sailingblue · 09/08/2020 10:20

I don’t think this is about the ‘poor men’ but if I was a birth partner, I don’t honestly know if I could avoid seeing the baby being born. If I was and someone asked I’d try but wouldn’t 100% be able to commit to it. I know with my first, I was legs akimbo in stirrups, had 45 mins of stitching, various interventions before that. I don’t think any birth partner of mine could have avoided seeing. That’s what I mean by unrealistic expectations.

RidingOn · 09/08/2020 10:20

@Oakleaffy Many years ago, men were asked to wait outside anyway.

Yes. And isn't it a privilege, rather than a right, to be present at the birth of a baby? Even if you are the father? Imo, it's all about the baby and mother at that moment - everyone else is just an onlooker.

MouthBreathingRage · 09/08/2020 10:20

If no one else wants their DH/DP copping a look in the heat of the moment, tie him by a short leash to the head of the bed.

I had a water birth for my first. My husband was by my head the whole time, gas and air stick in one hand, cold drink in the other to alternate between contractions. If he'd 'abandoned his post' to have a good look at his PFB coming out, he'd have half drowned. Much better incentive to stay the hell back. My husband isn't a selfish arse though, so it was never a concern when I asked for him to stay away from the lower end whatever happened.

Sexnotgender · 09/08/2020 10:20

OP you had a VD- you wanting to control who looks or not is long gone at this point.

No it’s fucking not. God this thread is making me absolutely livid.

Can we please stop dehumanising women in childbirth.

PicsInRed · 09/08/2020 10:21

@jessstan2

Who is completely naked and has legs in stirrups whilst giving birth?
American hospitals use stirrups in obstetrics and gynecology.
Redcups64 · 09/08/2020 10:21

I think your still probably hormonal. There is no such thing as dignity and giving birth, the two don’t go together in a sentence.

I understand you feeling upset and that’s fine and valid, but I assume your partner has seen your vagina before and more than likely got caught up with the excitement that you was about to give birth to your child! It fills you with excitement and it’s easy to get carried away and lost in it. This is not worth a argument over really.

Choochoose · 09/08/2020 10:22

OP you had a VD- you wanting to control who looks or not is long gone at this point

What? DH was not looking as matter of assisting in delivering the baby and keeping them both safe, was he? Therefore there was no need for him to disregard his wives wishes and look anyway.

Its not comparing the action to assault, but the disregard of a woman's autonomy over her own body, and the excuses some are coming up with, making it out like it's his right, and he just couldn't control himself. Gross.