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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that partner looked during childbirth?

876 replies

IsoBordem · 09/08/2020 09:06

I recently had a pretty terrible birth experience. It was the most dehumanising experience I have ever gone through. The hourly internal exams (done twice due to a student midwife) was already pushing my limits.

Before the birth I had one request for my partner - I did not want him looking down there at any point. During the delivery the doctors offered for him to have a look, even though I said I would prefer if he didn't. He ended up watching twice.

I know I am likely being unreasonable to be annoyed. I just wished the one person who was meant to be supporting me would have listened to my wishes rather than dismissing me like my doctor did.

OP posts:
MMN123 · 09/08/2020 09:55

Just seen your last post. Also important to raise the doctors behaviour with the hospital. Not ok. What an idiot he was. Bet the midwives will thank you - usually they know who the arses are who don’t listen to women.

Sexnotgender · 09/08/2020 09:55

@piscean10

I think yabu. Presumably he looks when you have sex so I'm not sure why this is any different. I think you are taking out you anger on him due to the treatment from the other medical professionals.
I don’t know what you’re doing when you’re having sex but if it looks anything like childbirth you’re doing it wrong.
Extracurricularfatigue · 09/08/2020 09:55

@IsoBordem if you said right then and there that you didn’t want it to happen then I withdraw my comment that it was understandable for him to forget in the excitement. I keep the first half of my post that you get the say over your body, and if the doctor went explicitly against your wishes like that, I would make a formal complaint.

TheAquaticDuchess · 09/08/2020 09:55

I suppose it is all up to you but it's over now so why worry.

Omg well done, you’ve just solved PTSD

MMN123 · 09/08/2020 09:56

@WhattheHhashappened

No one listened to me and my partner failed to advocate for me. The least he could have done was to listen to my wishes

This makes me think there are far bigger issues in your relationship than just this.

Why are you minimising her experience? There don’t need to be bigger problems for this isolated instance to not be ok.
fuckingcovid · 09/08/2020 09:56

I think your partner was put in the spot by the doctor and felt that he had to do as he was asked or it would have looked bad on him.

I wouldn't get worked up about it, and I entirely agree your dp should have followed your wishes but it would have been helpful if everyone in the room had been made aware of your wishes.

squeekums · 09/08/2020 09:56

Totally not unreasonable
I gave dp the same instructions and if he had looked, id have gone nuts on him later. I already felt enough on show and didn't need any more.
He should be apologising, no it's or buts. Your wishes should have been respected by the one you trust most

PicsInRed · 09/08/2020 09:57

YABU to be so precious about dignity in a long term, serious relationship. Sorry.

Any long term relationship which involves the woman (I'm sure you didn't mean the man) unwillingly giving up her dignity is a terrible one.

Familiarity in a long term relationship is entirely different to loss of dignity. A person should always, in a relationship, feel they have dignity.

Choochoose · 09/08/2020 09:58

Sorry to hear this OP Flowers. He should have absolutely respected your wishes, I had almost the same- back to back, forceps, episiotomy (thankfully adequate pain relief, I cannot even imagine what it was like for you); and DH was up the top with me, holding my hand, and he saw the moment DS entered the world the same as I did. Sorry they used the mirror too against your wishes, it's cruel. Students I found a pain as well, I know they have to learn, but repeatedly saying no thank you because you don't want 2 of everything is teedious, and can be hard at the time, it should be something you can opt into rather than having to opt out of. Hope you're okay.

Azerothi · 09/08/2020 09:58

It doesn't matter how many strangers are looking if you said no to your boyfriend looking he shouldn't have looked.

In such a raw state you need to trust that your birthing partner will advocate for your wishes. I've had 5 babies - one lot of twins - and I didn't want my husband to look at me either. It has nothing to do with the fact we'd had sex and he'd looked at me 'down there' loads of times, it is completely different during birth.

The one thing I would say is don't let it cloud those precious first days with your baby.

MouthBreathingRage · 09/08/2020 09:58

This thread is an embarrassment. 'It's his baby'- yes but it's her body firstly and foremost. Society still has a long way to go in understanding and accepting that a pregnant/labouring woman still has rights to her own body, no ifs or buts. If the op didn't want her husband 'looking' then he should bloody well accepting that. He was there to support his wife whilst she was in labour, be her advocate, not give her any reason for extra stress. He could still watch his child be born, there's no need for any partner to be on the bottom end to see every gory detail.

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 09/08/2020 09:59

I said yanbu because it’s your right to say that.

Personally I had no worries about exh (then h) looking. To be fair, the whole world could have looked at I wouldn’t have given a shit at the time!

fuckingcovid · 09/08/2020 09:59

It does seem as though the unpleasant birth, which was no ones 'fault', is skewing your view, and you are blaming the one person you can for your experience. I would ask for a medical debrief when you are able and maybe some counselling. It does sound horrendous

Sailingblue · 09/08/2020 10:00

I had one horrific birth and one lovely one. I do appreciate how vulnerable you can feel with a bad birth and how it affects you. I was very upset after baby first but I don’t think you are being fair really. In the first one, there was no way my husband couldn’t have seen even if he had wanted to avoid looking. I think you set him up to fail with unrealistic expectations. There will have been a massive instinct to check the baby was ok and to see the baby emerging. Are there other things going on in relationship that are bothering you more?

Velvian · 09/08/2020 10:02

@piscean10, Do you think a man is always entitled to sex with a woman that has previously had sex with him? Just out of interest.

Monkeynuts18 · 09/08/2020 10:02

I’m really surprised at some of these responses. I think YANBU to be upset. You told him you didn’t want him to look and he looked. But now you have to decide how you want to move forward.

Presumably he looks when you have sex so I'm not sure why this is any different.

Really? Can you really not think of any reason why it’s any different?

At @AtLastEarwax - I don’t think you can comment if you haven’t experienced a traumatic birth. It is terrifying and totally dehumanising to be naked, on your back, your legs in stirrups, with a queue of strangers taking turns to rummage around in your vagina (and walking away with blood up to their elbows).

Also, by your logic, IVF mothers can’t have traumatic births - because it can’t get any more dehumanising, right?

oakleaffy · 09/08/2020 10:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Gogogadgetarms · 09/08/2020 10:04

The doctor did ask if it was ok and I did say no, I would prefer he didn't look. At the same time I also said I didn't want to see but the doctor still grabbed the mirror to show me
Definitely complain to the hospital OP.

Have you spoken to your DH about it since? How has he explained his actions?

Lockdownseperation · 09/08/2020 10:05

Neither your partner nor your medical staff should have been disregarding your wishes. The medical staff have been trained and know they should be seeking consent before every procedure.

Just a reminder to all women. Only you get to decide who looks at or puts their hands in your vagina.

Would you think about doing birth reflections sessions. Feel free to dm about my experiences of birth reflections.

minnieok · 09/08/2020 10:05

Sorry but it's normal for your partner to watch the actual birth, the midwife/dr will automatically let them know at the right time they can see their baby being born - they won't be consulting notes at that point!. If you weren't comfortable it's either down to your partner to refuse or better still you shouldn't have had him in there. As for students - how do you think they train??? My dd2 was delivered by a student, the first time she ever did it (obviously fully trained one next to her) I was asked if it was ok. The lovely student asked if she could have a picture holding dd and a few days later I got a lovely letter from her to my home thanking me for allowing her to deliver dd and she would never forget her first.

VivienScott · 09/08/2020 10:05

I think the blame here lies with your medical team. You should not have been subjected to multiple exams by student midwives, and the doctor should have listened to you saying no.
You are entitled to have and should have been given autonomy over your body. You’re husband was caught up in a situation where your requests were being ignored, and probably went along with it. It’s not right that he did, and he should have advocated for you, but your medical team have responsibilities here.
For what it’s worth, I’ve always been against student midwives being involved in the care of first timers. It’s enough of an experience as it is without that added to it. You can say no to a student midwives, doctor, nurse etc in any medical situation and if the hospital didn’t make that clear to you and ask permission first, they have questions to answe.

Sailingblue · 09/08/2020 10:05

I just read the update. I think you had a very similar birth to my first and I’d really recommend a de-brief when you’ve had a bit longer to recover (my trust won’t do them in the first 6-8 weeks). I was convinced my second would be equally awful but it was completely different and so much less painful I didn’t realise I was in labour until I was pretty far gone. If I’d have had births just like the second, I’d have never understood how challenging a difficult one could be.

Hyperfish101 · 09/08/2020 10:06

It can get a bit chaotic during birth. Dads routinely look at the baby being born so doubt the doctors and your partner were actively ignoring your instruction. Maybe he was just caught up in the moment?

Talk to him?

jessstan2 · 09/08/2020 10:06

Who is completely naked and has legs in stirrups whilst giving birth?

Couchbettato · 09/08/2020 10:06

I think if I were you OP I would have felt upset that the one person who I'd specified rules to didn't advocate for me, or themselves against the midwives and doctors.

It's hard to advocate for yourself when you're the one in the most vulnerable position.

Overall it's not the looking that would have bothered me but the fact no one respected my wishes.

Im of the mind I wouldn't have minded if my partner looked, but ended up having a C section, so they put a curtain up any way.

He did end up seeing them stitching me up as they offered to let him cut the umbilical cord and he nearly puked all over our freshly earthside newborn, so I don't think he'd look a second time round regardless of vaginal or C section.