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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that partner looked during childbirth?

876 replies

IsoBordem · 09/08/2020 09:06

I recently had a pretty terrible birth experience. It was the most dehumanising experience I have ever gone through. The hourly internal exams (done twice due to a student midwife) was already pushing my limits.

Before the birth I had one request for my partner - I did not want him looking down there at any point. During the delivery the doctors offered for him to have a look, even though I said I would prefer if he didn't. He ended up watching twice.

I know I am likely being unreasonable to be annoyed. I just wished the one person who was meant to be supporting me would have listened to my wishes rather than dismissing me like my doctor did.

OP posts:
WhatCFeryIsThis · 10/08/2020 12:51

Tell your DP to leave the bathroom door open every time he goes for a shit. Walk past occasionally to check up on how he's doing and if he's bearing down correctly. Occasionally, tell him he's doing really well.

He shouldn't have a problem with it. You've seen it all before, right?

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 10/08/2020 12:53

She wasn’t left alone. You just made that up.

Yes, I know she wasn't, but that's what lots of people have suggested Hmm

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 10/08/2020 12:55

Not for a crime, no. Which watching birth is not

Jesus Christ 🤦

WhatCFeryIsThis · 10/08/2020 12:56

It's just as good as the 'fireworks display' that is childbirth. The human body is an amazing thing and should be celebrated for all of its achievements. So requesting not to be shut out from DP's miracle making is your right, OP. Our bodies are not to be hidden, I'm sure he will agree. Let me know what he says.

MMN123 · 10/08/2020 13:04

[quote VinylDetective]@MMN123, you’re making it up as you go along too. You have no idea what occurred between your parents 50 years ago.

What I absolutely know is that birth is a place where I was absolutely alone. I was in a place deep inside me where only two people existed - me and my baby. Every ounce of concentration was focussed on getting that baby out. If a football crowd had been watching I wouldn’t have noticed. My husband didn’t exist for me and I have no idea to this day where he looked.[/quote]
How rude you are.

Well done you for your zen experience. I was on the phone to my mum so asked about this explicitly. What she remembers and how she felt. She remembers the utter terror of realising something was wrong and the midwife was trying to be calm. She remembers her telling my dad she needed him to come and help her. And she remembers him pausing and looking at her and her looking back - and she said a lot was communicated in that moment. Why on earth would I make up what my mum is saying 50 years after the event? Op felt her husband abandoned her for no good reason. My dad is a rare case when he had good reason to go to the vaginal end of the action and managed to do so without her feeling abandoned or ignored. So, relevant.

Now do stop being so damned rude. Is silencing women a hobby of yours?!

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 10/08/2020 13:06

@TatianaBis I think you're at it, like a few others on this thread. If not, I feel sorry for you.

TatianaBis · 10/08/2020 13:06

@ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble

How sad that even during childbirth women's bodies are seen as entertainment.
Yeh, that was exactly the point.
NiceGerbil · 10/08/2020 13:08

At what point does a birth become less like an exciting TV program or a firework display?

When the baby is in distress? When the woman becomes very ill? When one or both are dying?

Really exciting childbirth! Such fun! Why the fuck women make a fuss about it is beyond me.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 10/08/2020 13:09

TatianaBis, you don't have a point to make, you're just here to make dim witted remarks and patronise people with valid points.

sugarfreemint · 10/08/2020 13:10

@WhatCFeryIsThis 😂

TatianaBis · 10/08/2020 13:12

AIBU is not the place for sensible discussion.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 10/08/2020 13:27

You can have a sensible discussion anywhere.. well maybe YOU can't.

pickingdaisies · 10/08/2020 13:30

OP the misogyny on this thread is breathtaking, and the sheer lack of imagination. Just because others were fine with it doesn't mean you had to be too. I can think of a lot of situations I wouldn't be fine with, and would hate if my wishes were ignored.
Not during childbirth, but I had an experience in hospital where I was having a procedure which I could tell was not right. It was causing pain where there should be none. I was literally begging them to stop. The doctor and nursing staff completely ignored me, they were actually talking about their holidays over me. The procedure shouldn't even have started because the consultant was going to take charge, but junior bastard doctor had just decided to make a start.
Consultant came in, took one look, and stopped everything. That was over ten years ago, I still get really angry when I remember it.
Just because you are producing a baby doesn't mean that you no longer matter. At least, it shouldn't. Shame on those who refuse to see this.
YA most definitely NBU.

Andahelterskelterroundmylittle · 10/08/2020 13:36

YANBU , you have the right to maintain as much control and dignity as you can in childbirth aside from necessary medical intervention. I frankly cannot believe people even attempting to defend this ! Your DH or partner dies NOT have any right over ride your wishes in terms of your body. Jesus wept

VinylDetective · 10/08/2020 13:40

Nice bit of pot and kettle @MMN123. Definitions of rudeness have definitely changed since I went to school. I didn’t have a “Zen” experience. I had a pretty normal birth judging from my friends’ accounts.

You might want to get some help with that anger of yours.

sugarfreemint · 10/08/2020 14:00

There’s another thread atm where the poster is unsure whether they want their DH in the room at all, and again there are many replies about how unfair/sad/selfish it is.

It’s strange because in the not too distant past men were often not allowed to accompany the woman at all, even if the woman desperately wanted her partner there it was often not an option in a hospital setting.

Women campaigned to have the choice and men were then allowed. Fast forward to now and many will argue that you are selfish for not having your husband in the room and also selfish for not letting them stand at the business end and watch everything. In that sense nothing was really achieved and nothing has progressed because women are seen as not being allowed a choice just in a different way.

bengalcat · 10/08/2020 14:24

Apart from the woman and her midwife ( plus care assistants and medical staff as required ) the presence of anyone else is a privilege not a right .

WhatCFeryIsThis · 10/08/2020 14:33

@sugarfreemint "Women campaigned to have the choice and men were then allowed."

And then like with everything else, it shifts from being 'allowed' to being a 'right' that they have and shouldn't be expected to give up. It's never enough for men to be allowed into a women's area, they have to dominate it. They have to claim ownership over it. Hence the men on this thread referring to it as a 'fireworks display' and similar nonsense.

Honestly, to those men people, I can honestly say that nobody cares what you think you're entitled to. Nobody's going to sit back and say 'yeah fair enough, it's their right to watch' so just give it up. Childbirth is traumatic enough without having to dedicate part of your limited thinking resources to how the poor menz in the room might feel. I'm not planning to insist on having any right to gawp at my husband's backside while he gets a prostate exam.

Notredamn · 10/08/2020 14:35

I swear this place has gone right down the shitter. I wouldn't have imagined all the passive violence from women on MN. Tripping over themselves to tell another woman why her birth experience is akin to a front row seat at a show. Arguing that consent doesn't matter. I repeat: ARGUING that CONSENT DOESNT MATTER. Telling her that to dismiss notions of bodily autonomy. This is sinister shit! I'm wondering whether all this comes from a place of not really knowing their own rights, or that it's been a revelation that they could ever say 'no' and the idea is too painful somehow.

VinylDetective · 10/08/2020 14:36

@sugarfreemint

There’s another thread atm where the poster is unsure whether they want their DH in the room at all, and again there are many replies about how unfair/sad/selfish it is.

It’s strange because in the not too distant past men were often not allowed to accompany the woman at all, even if the woman desperately wanted her partner there it was often not an option in a hospital setting.

Women campaigned to have the choice and men were then allowed. Fast forward to now and many will argue that you are selfish for not having your husband in the room and also selfish for not letting them stand at the business end and watch everything. In that sense nothing was really achieved and nothing has progressed because women are seen as not being allowed a choice just in a different way.

Yup, it’s amazing what a hard time the op on that thread’s being given because she doesn’t want her DH there at all. It’s completely the reverse of this one. MN at its finest.
SnuggyBuggy · 10/08/2020 14:40

It's disturbing the lack of respect many people have for a woman's boundaries

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 10/08/2020 14:41

@sugarfreemint

There’s another thread atm where the poster is unsure whether they want their DH in the room at all, and again there are many replies about how unfair/sad/selfish it is.

It’s strange because in the not too distant past men were often not allowed to accompany the woman at all, even if the woman desperately wanted her partner there it was often not an option in a hospital setting.

Women campaigned to have the choice and men were then allowed. Fast forward to now and many will argue that you are selfish for not having your husband in the room and also selfish for not letting them stand at the business end and watch everything. In that sense nothing was really achieved and nothing has progressed because women are seen as not being allowed a choice just in a different way.

Jesus that thread!!

I'm sure one of the posters here is on that one too with a name change.

All about what the man goes through/puts up with and how you can't expect anything from him unless you roll over and do what he says/wants.Hmm

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 10/08/2020 14:48

Yup, it’s amazing what a hard time the op on that thread’s being given because she doesn’t want her DH there at all. It’s completely the reverse of this one. MN at its finest.

In what way is it "completely the reverse of this one"?

blacktop · 10/08/2020 14:54

Yup, it’s amazing what a hard time the op on that thread’s being given because she doesn’t want her DH there at all. It’s completely the reverse of this one. MN at its finest.

You should read them both again Hmm

VinylDetective · 10/08/2020 15:05

I don’t need to read them both again, thank you. She’s getting stick for the same thing as the OP here got shedloads of agreement and sympathy.