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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that partner looked during childbirth?

876 replies

IsoBordem · 09/08/2020 09:06

I recently had a pretty terrible birth experience. It was the most dehumanising experience I have ever gone through. The hourly internal exams (done twice due to a student midwife) was already pushing my limits.

Before the birth I had one request for my partner - I did not want him looking down there at any point. During the delivery the doctors offered for him to have a look, even though I said I would prefer if he didn't. He ended up watching twice.

I know I am likely being unreasonable to be annoyed. I just wished the one person who was meant to be supporting me would have listened to my wishes rather than dismissing me like my doctor did.

OP posts:
LemonadeAndDaisyChains · 10/08/2020 01:49

I dont see you can have it both ways tbh. There is always a chance that he will see by accident or something will happen etc etc if your partner is there.

Exactly - all best intentions but sometimes circumstances dictate may have to look despite express wishes

See, this is what I'm not getting my head around - appreciate just my experience though
Whether the intention is to 'specutate' or no
People seeing it as a spectator sport.
I could see the point if I'd invited mates round to come see, but it's my husband. Father of children. If I didn't want him there I'd say no.

Theres plenty of doctors who will assume that staying by your head is about a partner being afraid, so think they are being good in encouraging them to take a look
Its simply unrealistic

Exactly

squeekums · 10/08/2020 01:52

Theres plenty of doctors who will assume that staying by your head is about a partner being afraid, so think they are being good in encouraging them to take a look

So they put the man above the woman in a scary and vulnerable position? That is disgraceful
They dont deserve their job

If I didn't want him there I'd say no.
The OP DID say no
The Dr ignored her
her DP ignored her
That is NOT ok

sugarfreemint · 10/08/2020 01:57

@RedToothBrush but I did have it ‘both ways’ when I gave birth the 2nd time, it was easy to have a support person throughout labour who then respected my boundaries and didn’t stand at the business end gawping at everything. It shouldn’t be seen as a ridiculous or unrealistic want when a lot of the time it really isnt. During my 1st labour the only reason my partner saw everything was because he was instructed to come down past the paper draping that was over my legs to ‘watch me’. If we had just been left to get on with it how I wanted then he would have stayed firmly up by my shoulder supporting me.
In the OPs case her partner was told to go down and watch and she was ignored when she said no.

Drs shouldn’t be inviting or instructing partners to go down and watch without even involving the patient in the discussion, it really isn’t hard.

sugarfreemint · 10/08/2020 02:00

And how exactly is it unrealistic for doctors not to instruct partners to go down and watch everything without even asking the patient if they are ok with that?

It’s not even a safety issue, or something that helps the birth or delivering the baby, or that gets in the way of the drs work. They literally have no reason to do this whatsoever and it does not effect them in any way. It is the easiest thing in the world for them to just not to do it. So how is it unrealistic?

Original poster
IsoBordem · 10/08/2020 02:30

Thanks for everyone’s posts. Just like to confirm that I am not a troll - I’m not in the uk so was asleep.

I have spoken to my partner about this and he has apologised. He apparently didn’t hear me say no in the moment and felt pressured by the doctor. He also thought it would be good if he confirmed for me that things were progressing as neither of us trusted that doctor.

OP posts:
Original poster
IsoBordem · 10/08/2020 02:41

Not sure how it was impossible for my partner not to look. my legs were in stirrups and the gown across them meant my partner had to leave my side and walk to the bottom of the bed to see

OP posts:
minimagician · 10/08/2020 02:51

@PicsInRed

I can see what you mean, OP. That it made you feel that you weren't a human patient, in terrible pain, that you were merely some inanimate object to be observed, a curiosity. That your wishes and feelings were completely irrelevant to the humans in the room. Feeling dehumanised can be terrifying, instinctively, because of the poor care which can result.

That your husband participated, rather than acted as your advocate, must make you feel so unsafe - he didn't have your back when it counts and that will make you wonder if he would adequately advocate for you in future medical events.

I hear you.

This.

Him looking added to your dehumanisation and was in effect a double betrayal: first because you'd asked him not to and second because he joined in with the others who seemed to treat you like a specimen, rather than an adult with agency.

I'm so sorry. I don't know if he'll ever get it (many mothers here don't), but you're not wrong.

I would actually not be able to get through the ramifications of that - even if he was usually a really lovely, respectful guy - without some therapy.

MaleficentsCrow · 10/08/2020 03:12

I understand you OP. I personally had no issue with DP looking, they offered he declined.

He said "I've been to war, I don't need to see that too" I glared at him and snapped "no thank you would have done, no need to compare me to Helmand!!!!" The room went silent. They didn't offer again.

But of we had a agreement about what I wanted/ didn't want and he didn't respect that I would be very annoyed.

I managed to escape the constant internals I fell asleep 4cm -8cm so they didn't touch me, let sleeping lions lay as they say.

babydisney · 10/08/2020 03:19

Agree with above your problem is with the hospital not with him, they went against your wishes and kept pushing him to do so. I would contact them about concerns and be open with partner as to why you are upset

minimagician · 10/08/2020 03:21

@stayathomer

But he's not looking at her genitals, he's looking at the baby coming out

I'm going through this thread in shock. Do women really think so little of women? A woman complains of being dehumanised and having her consent ignored and someone replies to say she's wrong, because actually she was so unimportant, that looking at he baby being born by forceps, her own partner wouldn't even have seen her?!

minimagician · 10/08/2020 03:34

@oakleaffy

Do you know it was the furthest thing away from what I wanted but it was the best day of my life because I met my baby. And I think that's what we have to focus on because birth is so unpredictable. I'm sorry it wasn't what you wanted but you have your child and you had a team of people ready to get that baby to you and keep you safe no matter what. What some other poor women have to go through in other counties alone. The mortality rates in places like Somalia and Afghanistan and Liberia are shocking

This /...A thousand times this.

We are so lucky in the West.. What happens to women in less medically 'advanced' regions is appalling.
Dreadful mortality rates of mothers and babies.

Insanity: is the baseline for our life experiences Somalia and Afghanistan? I do hope you've never, ever had a bad experience and felt bad about it afterwards - ever - because pretty much anything can be "one-upped" by how bad life is in those countries.

snitzelvoncrumb · 10/08/2020 03:44

Its ok to be upset, maybe bring a second support partner if you have another child.

minimagician · 10/08/2020 03:45

@IsoBordem

Thanks for everyone’s posts. Just like to confirm that I am not a troll - I’m not in the uk so was asleep.

I have spoken to my partner about this and he has apologised. He apparently didn’t hear me say no in the moment and felt pressured by the doctor. He also thought it would be good if he confirmed for me that things were progressing as neither of us trusted that doctor.

I always RTFT but I just can't read any more of the victim-blaming, dehumanising crap on this thread, so I've skipped about 12 hours (and note that it's the same as it was earlier).

I'm really glad he apologised OP. Do you feel it was a genuine apology? If so I would try to see if time passing makes the pain of it reduce, if not, or if the pain doesn't reduce, I would look at counselling to help process it.

I wanted to add, in relation to your medics that birth is a dehumanising process when you're not treated like a human. I was treated very, very differently to you, although also had a v horrible birth situation, but I came out feeling empowered. I had an unusual team, I know that, but the point is that you feel you were dehumanised because you were.

And please know that for the rest of your life, you can (and I think should) say No to any students. I have for reasons different to you, and I console myself with the fact that just as this thread shows, plenty of women are happy to be living medical specimens. Great. I let them get on with it, while I have my dr focus on treating me, not using my unwilling body to teach.

tillytown · 10/08/2020 04:01

What the fuck is wrong with the people commenting on here? If you hate women so much why are you on a site mainly used by women? Your misogynist victim blaming is pathetic.
OP, you are not unreasonable at all, please complain to hospital

Rebelwithallthecause · 10/08/2020 04:10

Yes the majority of responses are fucking revolting

How can anyone in OP’s position be unreasonable?!

She said no for fucks sake

No means no

We’ve been taught that since we were children

blackcat86 · 10/08/2020 05:52

As someone who experiences ongoing issues from birth trauma I am finding this thread really disturbing but it actually explains so much about why so many women end up with birth trauma in the first place.

Op my DHs shitty actions were part of my birth trauma. I found radical honesty and saying exactly how I felt helped, as did individual counselling, couples counselling and a specialist birth trauma group. My experience was dehumanising and it took a lot for me to start regaining my identity again. Focus on your baby but don't let anyone tell you that your feelings are not valid.

FrootTheLoot · 10/08/2020 06:01

If a woman doesn't care less who sees, and wants their husband/partner to see their child birthing though, why are our opinions less valid? From some on this thread it is.

Who on earth has said this?

No one is talking about anyone elses birth experience FFS. It doesn't matter if you want / would allow your husband to see everything.

That is not what the OP asked. I don't understand why you seem to think that's what she was asking? Confused she wasn't asking what anyone else did during labour.

She was asking if she was unreasonable because her NO was ignored. The thread was about her consent or lack of being ignored, not about whether you or anyone else would choose to do X, Y or Z during birth.

Catsup · 10/08/2020 06:15

It should be about a woman's choices whilst giving birth. No woman will ever be more physically vulnerable or exposed than during that. My ex was part of my DC birth and I fully wanted him to still be part of the process of our child being born. However, we'd seperated when I was 20wks pregnant, and I also asked him to remain up the 'top end'. Unfortunately baby went into distress during the last 40min of delivery, and he spent that time down the 'vaginal end' 😒. Yes, equally his child too. But as we'd broken up due to an affair on his part I wasn't exactly thrilled he was hanging about looking at my genitals! I had no issues with him being an active part of our child coming into the world. But I really didn't want him to be staring at baby crowning and being pushed out by my body... I just felt it was 'fair' for him to be in the room (at the top end!) at point of birth to our shared child.

lljkk · 10/08/2020 06:29

MN has jumped the shark.

Monkeynuts18 · 10/08/2020 07:03

This thread has made me realise something.

I think there are a lot of men pretending to be women on AIBU.

These misogynists clearly get some excitement out of giving women a good verbal kicking while pretending to be one.

One poster in particular on here has really tripped themselves up - feminine nickname and comments claiming to be a woman but something you’ve said makes it very clear you’re male.

Fucking saddos.

Monkeynuts18 · 10/08/2020 07:10

Insanity: is the baseline for our life experiences Somalia and Afghanistan? I do hope you've never, ever had a bad experience and felt bad about it afterwards - ever - because pretty much anything can be "one-upped" by how bad life is in those countries.

@minimagician

No, don’t be silly - it’s only birth (and therefore women) this reasoning applies to. You can guarantee that poster will complain in a restaurant if there’s a hair in her soup and will report their neighbours to the council for having a BBQ while they have washing hanging out and will lose their shit if someone cuts them up at a junction. But for women in childbirth, our standards are suddenly Afghanistan and Somalia.

stayathomer · 10/08/2020 07:19

This thread has made me realise something. I think there are a lot of men pretending to be women on AIBU.

I'd think its it's possible that there's some but I wouldn't say a lot! I'm from upthread an a few people disagreed with me and actually on mn theres times I stand up for men, doesn't make me a man, I can just see their pov. I'm beyond lucky, me and dh are best friends and share everything (I'm saying this because not everyone on mn is that lucky), but that means we talk a lot too and I just don't see men as 'the other' where so many on mn feel it's us against them (and that's honestly their right), but I'm just saying (badly I know!) That just because someone gives a different opinion doesn't mean it's a keyboard warrior stirring up trouble or something

BoyTree · 10/08/2020 07:47

YANBU OP and I'm sorry that you went through that.

MarthasGinYard · 10/08/2020 08:07

'This thread has made me realise something.

I think there are a lot of men pretending to be women on AIBU.

These misogynists clearly get some excitement out of giving women a good verbal kicking while pretending to be one.

One poster in particular on here has really tripped themselves up - feminine nickname and comments claiming to be a woman but something you’ve said makes it very clear you’re male.

Fucking saddos.'

Yesterday I thought that for a moment too, however I actually think even more sadly (as I had a delve around) it's not true. Stunned.

MMN123 · 10/08/2020 08:09

I am also appalled by the idiotic comments in this thread.

I’m clinging onto the idea that most misunderstood what the vote was about and were voting as to whether they think it’s unreasonable or not to have the father down the business end during delivery.

In which case the figures make a bit more sense - because who in their right mind would really think Op was unreasonable in being upset that her decision to not consent to that during her own delivery was unreasonable.

Perhaps some of those who misunderstood could confirm they skewed the vote if this is the case? I’d be feeling pretty crap if I was the Op looking at the results of that vote. Really hoping that isn’t how 50+% of women actually think.