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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that partner looked during childbirth?

876 replies

IsoBordem · 09/08/2020 09:06

I recently had a pretty terrible birth experience. It was the most dehumanising experience I have ever gone through. The hourly internal exams (done twice due to a student midwife) was already pushing my limits.

Before the birth I had one request for my partner - I did not want him looking down there at any point. During the delivery the doctors offered for him to have a look, even though I said I would prefer if he didn't. He ended up watching twice.

I know I am likely being unreasonable to be annoyed. I just wished the one person who was meant to be supporting me would have listened to my wishes rather than dismissing me like my doctor did.

OP posts:
RandomUser3049 · 10/08/2020 08:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

MMN123 · 10/08/2020 08:22

@Handsoffisback

Quite!

And frankly if my dad could manage to understand the need for and seek my mothers consent in this scenario 50 years ago, when there was an actually medical emergency outside a hospital setting and he genuinely did need to go to the business end and quite literally lend the midwife a hand to save my life, how in the name of all that is holy are women making excuses for the men (fathers and doctors) in this scenario.

There is no good reason without consent.

The real issue is that many men believe that you are actually mentally incapacitated when giving birth. And when pregnant. And when female. And that is why consent doesn’t matter to them. Because they see you as lesser. And that is what is at the heart of this - it’s nothing to do with what choices other women might make. It’s about the choice the Op did make, that was ignored. It’s not difficult to understand.

bruffin · 10/08/2020 08:52

I very much doubt that happened 50 years ago MMN123, its probably what your mum is looking back with rose tinted glasses.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 10/08/2020 09:07

@IsoBordem

Thanks for everyone’s posts. Just like to confirm that I am not a troll - I’m not in the uk so was asleep.

I have spoken to my partner about this and he has apologised. He apparently didn’t hear me say no in the moment and felt pressured by the doctor. He also thought it would be good if he confirmed for me that things were progressing as neither of us trusted that doctor.

How do you feel about his explanation OP?

It's good that you talked , hopefully he'll support you now with dealing with the medical staff if you wish to do so.Thanks

VinylDetective · 10/08/2020 09:10

@bruffin

I very much doubt that happened 50 years ago MMN123, its probably what your mum is looking back with rose tinted glasses.
Really? Why would you doubt that?
RandomUser3049 · 10/08/2020 09:19

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Bassettgirl · 10/08/2020 09:19

I don't get why this conversation is still happening? Woman said No = YANBU.

If people are arguing about what they would do in that situation, that's a different thread.

On it being inevitable, that's bollocks.

Bassettgirl · 10/08/2020 09:20

I very much doubt that happened 50 years ago MMN123, its probably what your mum is looking back with rose tinted glasses

WTAF?

MMN123 · 10/08/2020 10:04

@bruffin

I very much doubt that happened 50 years ago MMN123, its probably what your mum is looking back with rose tinted glasses.
No. It isn't.

What strange ideas you have.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 10/08/2020 10:05

With the best will in the world, imagine being in a room with lots of people staring and making comment about the exciting tv show, but youve been told, whatever you do, dont look at the tv.

FFS now a woman's vagina squeezing out a small human is being compared to an exciting TV show, and how could anyone stop themselves from looking. If that's the case, how can we stop anyone from stoping themselves do anything they have the urge to do? You are being ridiculous.

Im normally shit hot on consent on these type of threads

Just not today? Or is it the fact that she is pushing out another human being, therefore everyone else's human rights trump hers, because she is just the incubator.

What a lot of shite!

TatianaBis · 10/08/2020 10:12

FFS now a woman's vagina squeezing out a small human is being compared to an exciting TV show, and how could anyone stop themselves from looking.

Birth is a lot more exciting than a TV show.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 10/08/2020 10:16

Infact ill correct that. There is no such right as the right to look at a wanna vagina because your child is coming out of it. That's just a want, and that should never trump a human right.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 10/08/2020 10:17

Birth is a lot more exciting than a TV show.

So...... What's your point?

TatianaBis · 10/08/2020 10:54

That that poster had a point.

GoldenOmber · 10/08/2020 11:05

I don’t think anyone is disagreeing that someone might find it exciting to look at a baby emerging from a vagina. More that “but it’s really exciting and I want to seeeeeee!” isn’t a good enough excuse to override the wishes of the person whose vagina it is.

LadyLaSnack · 10/08/2020 11:09

Are you all serious?

We are talking about one man inviting another man to look at a woman's vagina without her consent.

TatianaBis · 10/08/2020 11:12

When the whole room is ogling said vagina it’s a bit of a moot point.

NiceGerbil · 10/08/2020 11:17

OP has said she had a terrible birth experience.

Describing it as 'exciting' is a bit shitty I reckon.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 10/08/2020 11:24

@TatianaBis

When the whole room is ogling said vagina it’s a bit of a moot point.
The ones "ogling" have a medical need to do so. OP's partner didn't.
EverdeRose · 10/08/2020 11:24

YANBU at all.

This was about your control over your body. Your partner should have been listening to you and advocating for you, instead it seems everyone in the room forgot who the birthing woman was and treat you appallingly. It's less about his actions of looking and more about the fact that he disregarded your opinion.

If I was in your position I would feel extremely hurt and betrayed by him.

Have you requested a birth debrief to help come to terms with the actions of others at your birth? I know you've said you're going to complain about some other things but I also think you should complain about not feeling listened to and how dehumanized you felt.

Elmo311 · 10/08/2020 11:30

I'm looking forward to this thread reaching its limit .
OP, you're allowed to feel the way you do. And when you say 'No' to something it should be respected, and final. Especially when it comes to YOUR Body.

TatianaBis · 10/08/2020 11:34

So if you put me at the south end of proceedings when everyone else is watching the baby emerge and ask me not to look, I’d find it hard not to.

We all get the consent angle, but human nature needs to be factored in too.

If OP was that concerned about DH seeing her foof it world have been easier to leave him at the door.

blacktop · 10/08/2020 11:37

We all get the consent angle, but human nature needs to be factored in too.

Jesus Christ. I can't even put into words how horrific this is.

blacktop · 10/08/2020 11:38

If OP was that concerned about DH seeing her foof it world have been easier to leave him at the door.

And this, plain stupidity. Can you really not stretch your mind to everything a birth partner does?

TatianaBis · 10/08/2020 11:43

@blacktop

We all get the consent angle, but human nature needs to be factored in too.

Jesus Christ. I can't even put into words how horrific this is.

ODFOD

It’s human nature to be curious to see the miracle of birth. I know I’d have been tempted.

It’s a bit like asking someone to stand by the window and not look at the fireworks.