To be annoyed that partner looked during childbirth?

[IsoBordem]

I recently had a pretty terrible birth experience. It was the most dehumanising experience I have ever gone through. The hourly internal exams (done twice due to a student midwife) was already pushing my limits.

Before the birth I had one request for my partner - I did not want him looking down there at any point. During the delivery the doctors offered for him to have a look, even though I said I would prefer if he didn't. He ended up watching twice.

I know I am likely being unreasonable to be annoyed. I just wished the one person who was meant to be supporting me would have listened to my wishes rather than dismissing me like my doctor did.

It amazes me that so many women are determined that another woman should allow her husband to see her vagina, regardless of her feelings, yet they can't bring themselves to type the word vagina. It's all "lady bits", "foof" etc.

It’s a bit like asking someone to stand by the window and not look at the fireworks.

No it's nothing like that, because no one's body is involved HTH

That that poster had a point

No they didn't, their post was a load of crap.

@TatianaBis

Did you actually tell ME to fuck off after posting such bollocks

As you were....

Oh lord

So the OPs traumatic birth has been compared to watching something exciting on the TV, or fireworks.

Talk about insensitive.

*So if you put me at the south end of proceedings when everyone else is watching the baby emerge and ask me not to look, I’d find it hard not to.

We all get the consent angle, but human nature needs to be factored in too.

If OP was that concerned about DH seeing her foof it world have been easier to leave him at the door.*

He wasn't at the "south end" and had no need to be, so pointless.

Human nature? That could be the argument for so many things where consent is ignored.

Or she wanted him there to support her and respect her wishes. She doesn't need to be left alone at one of the most frightening times of her life because her dh can't be trusted to control himself.

I think there are a lot of men pretending to be women on AIBU.
One poster in particular on here has really tripped themselves up - feminine nickname and comments claiming to be a woman but something you’ve said makes it very clear you’re male

Yes, because all women think the same
How do you come to you're men conclusion if people disagree? Do they not think "womanly" enough?
FFS

We all get the consent angle, but human nature needs to be factored in too.

WTAF?

She doesn't need to be left alone at one of the most frightening times of her life because her dh can't be trusted to control himself

She wasn’t left alone. You just made that up.

'After all, she clearly didn't mind him putting something in it at the beginning, so why be so precious about him seeing something coming out of it at the end.'

I did think your response sounded like that of a misogynistic prick

Still do TBH

Is that to me?
I never said that, someone else said that.
If I responded to that which I don't remember doing, what on earth did I say?

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

It amazes me that so many women are determined that another woman should allow her husband to see her vagina, regardless of her feelings, yet they can't bring themselves to type the word vagina. It's all "lady bits", "foof" etc.

Human nature? That could be the argument for so many things where consent is ignored.

Not for a crime, no. Which watching birth is not.

How do you come to you're men conclusion if people disagree? Do they not think "womanly" enough?

They probably think “ah, it’s that previously banned poster with a track record of doing this exact same thing again.” You get an eye for him/them after about the sixteenth time they turn up.

Human nature? That could be the argument for so many things where consent is ignored.

Not for a crime, no. Which watching birth is not.

So unless it's a crime consent doesn't matter? You really are a piece of work @TatianaBis

So if you put me at the south end of proceedings when everyone else is watching the baby emerge and ask me not to look, I’d find it hard not to.

Un-fucking-believable. So fucking what if it's hard?? Yes, how dare OP have the audacity to ask poor man to do something that might be hard for him while she's trying to push a baby out of her vagina!

We all get the consent angle, but human nature needs to be factored in too.

No, no it doesn't. And honestly, if you think it does then you actually don't 'get' it at all.

It’s a bit like asking someone to stand by the window and not look at the fireworks.

You can't possibly be this stupid?
No, it isn't. Because OP is an actual human-being with thoughts, feelings, complex emotional needs and (despite what many posters here think) rights. She is not an inanimate object like a fucking window. While we're at it, comparing OP's birth experience to a firework display is so telling- fireworks are for entertainment, they are a show. This was a traumatic, distressing and terrifyingly experience in OP's life not a 'show' for her DH to enjoy. That's the whole point! How do you not see that??

The fact that we're having this conversation in 2020 is just so incredibly depressing.

Right, just been through the entire thread as bit baffled to Martha's response to my question
Can't see anywhere where I replied to that comment so not an actual clue what you're going on about if it was aimed at me
Go shout misogynistic at whoever's comment you took offence at, as it doesn't look like it was mine.
(Apologies if it was me, but seriously just been through the whole thread and can't see any comment from me responding to that comment)

@TatianaBis he wasn't at the south end. He was near her head so he made an active ,conscious decision to walk around her,get to the south end and look. It's not like an accidental glimpse. There's nothing human nature or accidental/instinctive about that.

Given his explanation, I understand why he did it. However he still needs to apologise, understand where OP is coming from and work hard to rebuild trust and support her

@VinylDetective

She doesn't need to be left alone at one of the most frightening times of her life because her dh can't be trusted to control himself

She wasn’t left alone. You just made that up.

Actually you can be alone in a room full of people.

50 years ago my dad was capable if pausing and just looking at my mum in the moment when he need to leave her to help the midwife. Not leaving the room. But in that moment he paused and without any words spoken a lot was communicated - far more than just consent- so she didn’t feel she was alone in a room where the others were working together and she was invisible.

The op felt alone. He did something she asked him not to at a key moment. He and a doctor moved had their own communication that excluded the woman labouring and her husband allowed that. 50 years ago my dad knew not to do that. Men weren’t Neanderthals 50 years ago and most aren’t now.

Consent is consent is consent.

@LemonadeAndDaisyChains there have been a few posters on the thread(one in particular springs to mind) whose comments were so vile,mysoginistic and their hatred and disdain for women so obvious, that I can see why some people might think they're men. Tbh I nearly asked that same question myself. Maybe I just don't want to fully accept that another woman can hate women so much.

[quote ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble]@TatianaBis he wasn't at the south end. He was near her head so he made an active ,conscious decision to walk around her,get to the south end and look. It's not like an accidental glimpse. There's nothing human nature or accidental/instinctive about that.

Given his explanation, I understand why he did it. However he still needs to apologise, understand where OP is coming from and work hard to rebuild trust and support her [/quote]
Technically he was due west.

@MMN123, you’re making it up as you go along too. You have no idea what occurred between your parents 50 years ago.

What I absolutely know is that birth is a place where I was absolutely alone. I was in a place deep inside me where only two people existed - me and my baby. Every ounce of concentration was focussed on getting that baby out. If a football crowd had been watching I wouldn’t have noticed. My husband didn’t exist for me and I have no idea to this day where he looked.

@welcometohell

It’s a bit like asking someone to stand by the window and not look at the fireworks.

You can't possibly be this stupid?
No, it isn't. Because OP is an actual human-being with thoughts, feelings, complex emotional needs and (despite what many posters here think) rights. She is not an inanimate object like a fucking window. While we're at it, comparing OP's birth experience to a firework display is so telling- fireworks are for entertainment, they are a show. This was a traumatic, distressing and terrifyingly experience in OP's life not a 'show' for her DH to enjoy. That's the whole point! How do you not see that??

The fact that we're having this conversation in 2020 is just so incredibly depressing.

Bless.

Ah, it's clear one poster is just here for the wind up, so I will ignore. Maybe they will grow up one day.

How sad that even during childbirth women's bodies are seen as entertainment.