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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband won't forgive me unless I apologise

539 replies

MarriageSOS · 08/08/2020 11:00

To try and cut a long story short, my husband and I have not been getting on for some time and things are getting worse. I had a difficult and I ended up giving birth very early which then resulted in a long hospital stay for our little one. We argued during this time as I was going every day and was exhausted and he didn't think it was necessary and I was bringing it on myself so he had no sympathy. I felt completely alone and was hurting, helpless and scared.

Once home we really struggled. Our baby didn't sleep and screamed constantly. We much later found out it was due to intolerances. I would be screamed at all day and felt like a complete failure and completely alone. I kept asking him to help and take the baby when he got home so I could just have 10 minutes on my own. I would happily cook dinner, just to have time off but he always said no as he didn't like baby stuff and the baby needed me not him and he'd had a hard day and just wanted to relax for a bit when he got home. This again caused arguments. I did say things like I wish he would be more of a father and help out more but he said his contribution was to provide the money and a roof over our heads not to deal with the baby stuff. We had a lot of arguments and just couldn't seem to see eye to eye on anything.

We are a year or so on and things with the baby are much better, although he still rarely looks after our child, never does bath or bed time so I can never go out or do anything on an evening. But he is still harbouring resentment from that first 6 months when according to him I was a nightmare to live with and he thinks its clear I had PND as I was so horrible to him. He says he used to drive to work hating me and not want to come home as he knew all he would get is me crying or being angry with him and he got no appreciation for how hard he was working to provide for us.

He wants an apology for how horrible I was to him and how miserable I made him but I don't know how to apologise as I don't remember being that awful but I do remember it being an awful time and crying out for him to help me and him turning his back on me and saying it was my problem to deal with. So we appear to be at an impass.

I dont know if we can recover from this unless I apologise and take all the blame for everything. I have tried saying I'm sorry that I hurt him but that I was hurting too and felt alone, but he wants more than that. He wants me to apologise and mean it with no 'buts' and fully acknowledge that it was all my fault.

AIBU? Should I just apologise and take all the blame?

OP posts:
Napqueen1234 · 08/08/2020 12:31

Reading this made my blood boil. Your husband is an absolute twat. Show him this thread then leave him.

TreestumpsAndTrampolines · 08/08/2020 12:32

But he is still harbouring resentment from that first 6 months when according to him I was a nightmare to live with

you were a nightmare to live with?!

northernstar0412 · 08/08/2020 12:34

Apologise? I would be serving him divorce papers.

Bubbletrouble43 · 08/08/2020 12:34

I'm so sorry op. Your husband is a dick. I was a nightmare to live with the first few months after my twins were born due to PND and anxiety but the correct response from a partner is to listen to you ( my dp wasn't great at that) and offer practical help so you can rest ( fortunately he was better at this aspect) and he certainly never expected an apology. Its not your fault life was difficult, it's your other halfs fault for being a dick about it. He sounds incredibly selfish and to be honest if I was you I would leave.

Nanny0gg · 08/08/2020 12:36

@MarriageSOS

But what if I was that horrible to him and I just don't remember because I was tired and emotionally drained and was lashing out? He was very good at providing. He ran a company, did the majority of shopping and cooking and helped with cleaning. I know he did a lot more than what a lot of men do (he reminds me of this quite a lot).
No he bloody didn't!!

My husband did all that plus baby related things because he WANTED to spend time with his child!

He's a pig.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 08/08/2020 12:36

Honestly? I’d tell him to fuck off... and mean it

I was going to say EXACYLT this, but tabula beat me toit.

And I'll bet everyone else on here did, too.

Quite frankly, I would probably have stabbed him!

Nanny0gg · 08/08/2020 12:37

@Durgasarrow

You two need couples therapy. You have both been through something traumatic. He is being an ass and he is angry. You are suffering. Don't apologize, but tell him that you need a neutral third party to sort this all out. That's your only chance. Otherwise, it's all going to get expensive.
No they don't!

Couples therapy won't turn him into a decent human being and it can be used to manipulate the situation.

Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow · 08/08/2020 12:39

He should be apologising to you! This is awful

JontyDoggle37 · 08/08/2020 12:39

I got more and more shocked as I read this. That man is a complete and utter wankbadger. Emotionally abusive arsehole. You poor, poor, thing. Please find a way to leave, for yourself and for your child. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

fairlyplump · 08/08/2020 12:41

what ever you agreed, beforehand, he watched you suffer and did nothing to help you, that in itself makes him a shit husband !

EnjoyingTheSilence · 08/08/2020 12:41

I really don’t say this lightly, @MarriageSOS your dh is a cunt

He wants a medal for shipping and cooking when you’ve just given birth and you newborn was in hospital.

He wants you to apologise? Is he having a laugh?

I can only echo what others have said and make plans for yours and your baby’s future

Not you if your baby is a boy or girl, but what would you say to them if their future spouse behaved like yours? How would you feel if they behaved like your dh? Children learn from their parents.

Vodkacranberryplease · 08/08/2020 12:42

@MarriageSOS I would just like to have a husband who doesn't resent me and maybe shows me a tiny bit of affection. I've not been even hugged by him in a year, let alone anything else.

You will - when you leave him and meet someone else. No hug or anything else for a year? He's an entitled prick who resents you having a child. But he tricked you into getting married knowing you wanted one.

How do you feel about this being an only child and him wanting no part of family life? Because that is your future. Leave him. He resents you and doesn't love you.

And is he working 10 hours? This is the kind of guy that shags around through work - met them 1000 times. Didn't want a baby but wanted a wife and then uses his resentment as justification for cheating. You don't actually believe he's had no sex for a year do you?

Haffiana · 08/08/2020 12:42

I have started, owned and run 2 successful companies (both eventually sold as profitable, going concerns). I have also had children.

I can tell you from direct experience that running a company is a DODDLE compared to the relentless job of looking after a baby. Looking after a preemie is even harder.

LagunaBubbles · 08/08/2020 12:42

Please don't send him the link to this thread, he's emotionally abusive and gas lighting you.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 08/08/2020 12:42

Just seen all the typos - apologies!

Abouttimemum · 08/08/2020 12:44

He’s a massive arsehole. Tell him to fuck off.
Sadly not the first time I’ve read about men like this on here, and it won’t be the last.

FYI my premature baby was in special care for 6 weeks and my husband dropped me off at 6.30am each morning, went to work, and then came back after work and we stayed together with our baby until 8pm so he could have a cuddle and help do his cares and spend some time with his poorly son. Hardest thing we’ve ever been through but we did it together.
Your husband is a massive twat.

honeylulu · 08/08/2020 12:46

I only got as far as him saying he didn't understand why you were visiting your ill, premature baby in hospital every day. That just seems inhumane.

Now he wants you to apologise for PND as if you had control over that! Yet he had control over his decision not to lift a finger to help you with the baby because he decided that was solely the little woman's job even though he recognised you were ILL WITH PND.

He really believes he is the centre of the world doesn't he? And it still angers him that there was a time you didn't cowtow to that notion, and worse still, dared to expect him to help you out.

LTB.

saleorbouy · 08/08/2020 12:47

At what point in your childs life does he feel he might need to do some share of being a parent. I really don't think you have anything to apologise for. It is hard as a couple to readjust to being parents but he seems to think he can just provide money and that's just fine. The reality is that you are both parents and he needs to assume some of the responsibilities. You both probably had a difficult time adjusting but his lack of empathy and support hardly helped you through a tough time for any new mum. As a man I'm a bit agahst about his total dismissal from everything apart from financial duty, what enjoyment does he actually get from fatherhood.
I think you have tried to make amends for the way you reacted and coped but surely he needs to understand that his poor performance as a husband and father contributed to this impasse. Good luck but I must say he sounds like a complete prehistoric plank!

BogRollBOGOF · 08/08/2020 12:48

He's emotionally abusive and gaslighting you into thinking it's your fault when he's the arsehole who didn't step up in the tough times.

There's no hope for a loving relationship, and he is a terrible role model for your child to grow up with full time.

Idontbelieveit12 · 08/08/2020 12:49

I think I would have had to leave him when he suggested it wasn’t necessary to go to the hospital every day. He sounds awful Flowers

BlusteryShowers · 08/08/2020 12:49

He has not done more than most men AT ALL and don't let yourself believe his bullshit for one moment.

Most men go to work, food shop, clean AND parent alongside their partner in a healthy marriage with children.

I can't get over the bit where he thought a mother going to see your premature newborn in NICU was "too much". What is wrong with him?!

Pobblebonk · 08/08/2020 12:49

He ran a company, did the majority of shopping and cooking and helped with cleaning. I know he did a lot more than what a lot of men do (he reminds me of this quite a lot).

I don't think he did. Most normal men want to be actively involved with their children and don't come home and refuse to take the baby even for 10 minutes at a time to give their partner a break. Most normal men who can see that their partner is utterly exhausted after spending all day with a screaming baby actually want to help out. So the very next time he "reminds" you of this, please give him a big dose of reality.

NancyPickford · 08/08/2020 12:50

He has bought you your dream home - inside which you sit, alone, unappreciated, unhugged, not shown any affection - and constantly badgered to apologise for things which were NOT YOUR FAULT!

At some point you have to decide how much of your future happiness you are willing to trade in exchange for your 'dream home'.

DishingOutDone · 08/08/2020 12:50

You could apologise to him and live the rest of your nightmare in the dream home, but why bring a baby into it as well? Imagine how he's going to treat your child - is your baby a girl by any chance?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/08/2020 12:51

He is a selfish, cruel man who is also a bad father. End of.