My husband won't forgive me unless I apologise

[MarriageSOS]

To try and cut a long story short, my husband and I have not been getting on for some time and things are getting worse. I had a difficult and I ended up giving birth very early which then resulted in a long hospital stay for our little one. We argued during this time as I was going every day and was exhausted and he didn't think it was necessary and I was bringing it on myself so he had no sympathy. I felt completely alone and was hurting, helpless and scared.

Once home we really struggled. Our baby didn't sleep and screamed constantly. We much later found out it was due to intolerances. I would be screamed at all day and felt like a complete failure and completely alone. I kept asking him to help and take the baby when he got home so I could just have 10 minutes on my own. I would happily cook dinner, just to have time off but he always said no as he didn't like baby stuff and the baby needed me not him and he'd had a hard day and just wanted to relax for a bit when he got home. This again caused arguments. I did say things like I wish he would be more of a father and help out more but he said his contribution was to provide the money and a roof over our heads not to deal with the baby stuff. We had a lot of arguments and just couldn't seem to see eye to eye on anything.

We are a year or so on and things with the baby are much better, although he still rarely looks after our child, never does bath or bed time so I can never go out or do anything on an evening. But he is still harbouring resentment from that first 6 months when according to him I was a nightmare to live with and he thinks its clear I had PND as I was so horrible to him. He says he used to drive to work hating me and not want to come home as he knew all he would get is me crying or being angry with him and he got no appreciation for how hard he was working to provide for us.

He wants an apology for how horrible I was to him and how miserable I made him but I don't know how to apologise as I don't remember being that awful but I do remember it being an awful time and crying out for him to help me and him turning his back on me and saying it was my problem to deal with. So we appear to be at an impass.

I dont know if we can recover from this unless I apologise and take all the blame for everything. I have tried saying I'm sorry that I hurt him but that I was hurting too and felt alone, but he wants more than that. He wants me to apologise and mean it with no 'buts' and fully acknowledge that it was all my fault.

AIBU? Should I just apologise and take all the blame?

ive read some things on mums net before

but this chap really takes the biscuit in being a total twat

tell him if he was to break his leg you'd expect him to run a marathon - as thats what he demanded of you and why you were in so much mental pain

Your husband is a first class controlling, manipulative, selfish cunt.

I had similar. It was awful.

@MarriageSOS

But what if I was that horrible to him and I just don't remember because I was tired and emotionally drained and was lashing out? He was very good at providing. He ran a company, did the majority of shopping and cooking and helped with cleaning. I know he did a lot more than what a lot of men do (he reminds me of this quite a lot).

I know he did a lot more than what a lot of men do (he reminds me of this quite a lot)

I was wondering if there was anything in his favour but then he went and spoilt it with that last bit!

I kept asking him to help and take the baby when he got home so I could just have 10 minutes on my own. I would happily cook dinner, just to have time off but he always said no as he didn't like baby stuff and the baby needed me not him and he'd had a hard day and just wanted to relax for a bit when he got home.

Yes, I also read all the bits after that. Fuck an apology. I would tell him he is a complete cunt and bin him. Then don’t look back.

You've had a hard year.
A premature baby and by the sounds of it very little in the way of support you needed.
People who are single still have to work, cook, clean etc so him claiming to have done that stuff so he didn't have to help with the baby is ridiculous.
Someone begging and crying for help and being told no, that's your problem is an unacceptable way to treat the mother of their child.
If you were emotionally destroyed with stress and he did nothing to help them you probably didn't have PND in the sense that it just happened, it may have been brought on by having no support at that vulnerable time.

YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT.

Just in case you wondered.
To demand apologies and tell you that he drove to work hating you and resented you and didn't want to come home is quite frankly outrageous behaviour.

Is he someone who needs to be right all the time? What benefit is it for you to bow down on your knees and plead for forgiveness? Apart from him to feel superior.

Get rid.
The dream house will turn into a hell house with this person.

Good luck op.

No, kick his sorry ass out and get your self respect back.

If you stay with him, he will destroy you and your child. You have to protect your child from growing up with a parent who doesn’t love or care about him, or love and care about his mother. I don’t care how nice your house is. Your husband did the minimum, and none of it is for YOUR direct benefit. Lots of us have husbands who work long days, make a lot of money, and STILL manage to love and care for their children. Honestly, your husband sounds like a monster.

Whatever was it you saw in this gift from god to women?..

he thinks its clear I had PND as I was so horrible to him

So he wants you to apologise to him for having a mental illness?

Why do you want to recover a relationship with this man? He works hard because he wants to. That is his character and life preference. He would do that whether or not you existed.

Relationships on not built just on doing practical stuff in the house - he can shop and clean all he wants - that's good - but that makes him a good housemate - not a good husband. You need someone who can attune to you and understand you. And he clearly can't.

You should both be able to look back and say, ' wow that time was tough on both of us' not try to extract apologies because you weren't nice enough after his 'hard' day at work, and your 'easy' day with a screaming baby. Having young child means you don't get to relax at home after a day in the office. You start again at home. That's just what it means.

@EggBoxes

Ds is now a strapping teenager, but if he ever gives me the slightest bit of lip dh comes down on him like a ton of bricks, saying that given what I had to go through and did for him at the time, he owes me nothing but undying gratitude.

Wow. Does your 13 year old ever turn around and say, "Well I didn't ask to be born!"?

No, never!

He says ‘sorry for being a stroppy teenager’ and looks so cute I melt and let him get away with whatever he wants.

He plays me like a fiddle...

Well, it's a bit late now. And I was going to join in the chorus wondering what stone this excuse for a man had crawled from. Until I got to the bit where you drip-fed that he had told you quite clearly that he didn't want children - and you thought you'd change him. Of course, he shouldn't have let himself be persuaded - but why didn't you listen?

You two need couples therapy. You have both been through something traumatic. He is being an ass and he is angry. You are suffering. Don't apologize, but tell him that you need a neutral third party to sort this all out. That's your only chance. Otherwise, it's all going to get expensive.

I’m sorry but it sounds like he has shown his true colours and is doing you a favour giving you an ultimatum - marriages are partnerships not dictatorships - sounds like he wants it all his way. I think you would be better to move on. Good luck.

I know he did a lot more than what a lot of men do (he reminds me of this quite a lot).

No he hasn't , he just carried on doing what he was doing before .

A lot of men I know when they have children do far more because they are good parents and they don't need a round of applause.

My dad would take over from my mum when he got home from work : changing clothes nappies ( 1960/70s), bottle feeding, playing , winding , putting to sleep .

His behaviour towards you when you had the baby is shocking and I felt very angry for you just reading it .

If anything he should be apologising to you for his treatment of you and his child .

He needs to be on his knees begging you to forgive him for being an awful father and a failure of a husband. He abandoned you at your most vulnerable time. I feel so angry on your behalf. Yet he thinks he's the one hard done by. What a complete shit you've married.

I went through a difficult time after my son was born. My husband's response? He'd get in from his 14 hour day and take over everything with DS so I could relax for the rest of the evening. Yes he was tired, yes he'd done and incredibly long day, but he was also emotionally mature enough to recognise that his wife was struggling more than he was and that he needed to support me.

He seems good at telling you how great he is and how bad you are.
He can work as many hours and run a great company, but those things won’t keep him company when he retires. He will find himself very lonely.
He is an emotional cold fish, is this what you want for the future ?
Sitting alone in a fabulous house.
Fine, he did the washing up but he didn’t help YOU when you needed it. He wasn’t there for you.
Do you have family, do they know how you feel ? You need support.

Don't apologise for anything, the more that you go along with what he wants just to keep the peace, the more that he will continue to distort reality to suit himself.

I would tell him that I feel no guilt whatsoever as I was absolutely doing the best that I could under extremely difficult circumstances. I would say that it sounds to me that he doesn't even like me, let alone love me and care about me and DS. Perhaps he needs a different type of wife and maybe he should consider his options because I'm going to continue to do the best that I can for the whole family and if he stays I expect him to up his game and do the same.

I WAS married to one of those. Do not apologise

Oh, hell no!!! Do NOT apologise to that asshole!!! Marriage & parenting is a partnership - if he's this disinterested, selfish, immature & petulant at this early baby stage, after all you've been through, when you need him the most, then you need to cut him loose - as soon as possible - for your emotional health & wellbeing.
Have you got a support network who can help you? X

So he provided financial support and did some the normal domestic chore that need doing regardless of whether he was single or not.

Well, the good news is that he can fuck off and financial support you and you baby from afar. You've not even had a hug in a year, a really tough year, is that how you want to live for the rest of your life? Is that the environment you want to raise your child in?

Please don't show him this thread, you need a safe space for support because you sure aren't getting any from him.

I had premature babies and they and I were in the nicu for nearly 3 weeks. My husband was allowed to stay for the first few days and then he came in and visited every single day for as long as they let him. When our twins were born, I went into the ward with one of them and the other went to nicu straight away. I didn't even see her. My husband decided to go with her so she wasn't alone.
We took shifts during the night so that we could both get a few hours sleep a night. He did everything around the house and after finishing work,would then help with the babies after working a 10 hour day.
No one is great with babies ( I had no clue what to do) but you learn!
Does he understand that child is part of him too?
Also he thinks you had pnd and did nothing at the time to support you and now is asking for an apology. He's a completely selfish arsehole.
You and your child deserve so much more than this.
Please don't continue to live like this as he will grind you down.

Even if you do apologise, what will it achieve?

Essentially, he didn't have your back when you needed him at a very difficult time. And you're (justifiably) upset and resentful about this even if you've tried to move past it as best you can. To move forward together, he would have to admit he was in the wrong, apologize for the hurt he caused you at a time when you were very vulnerable and try harder to be a proper dad to your DC. If you apologize to him (for what? Finding being a new parent on your own with PND tough?), it will destroy any chance of your relationship improving going forward since he will think he's been vindicated and can continue to behave in this way. I wouldn't bother, I'd be looking for a way to get out.

Having had a premature baby who spent 3 months in hospital,. and also and, I really feel for you. You have done so well with basically having to cope alone. He should be apologising to you for the awful way he has treated you!

I wouldn't even bother with rationalising anything with this abusive prick tbh, he's shown you the kind of person he is, someone who wants you chained to the house, downtrodden and on your knees to his lordship. No love, no affection, no care. Just under his thumb, obeying him and apologising for everything you do. He is an abuser who wants you grovelling so he has all the power and can control you. Leave.

No dream house is worth that. You will watch your child grow up thinking thats what a relationship looks like. If you can't think about the damage he does to you think about your child. It must be so hard, I'm sorry

And don't show him the thread, use it, when you're doubting yourself, is it your fault? Look here. No, it isn't. It's his.

None of that is in anyway your fault.

I'd be asking him why he felt it wasn't necessary to visit dc every day in hospital? Why if he thought you had pnd did he not support you?

Why if he clearly resents the both of you is he still with you?

I couldn't live with someone like that OP, and you and dc don't deserve that either. I'd add what will happen when dc is older? Do you want them to grow up in a house where they feel only one parent wants them?