My husband won't forgive me unless I apologise

[MarriageSOS]

To try and cut a long story short, my husband and I have not been getting on for some time and things are getting worse. I had a difficult and I ended up giving birth very early which then resulted in a long hospital stay for our little one. We argued during this time as I was going every day and was exhausted and he didn't think it was necessary and I was bringing it on myself so he had no sympathy. I felt completely alone and was hurting, helpless and scared.

Once home we really struggled. Our baby didn't sleep and screamed constantly. We much later found out it was due to intolerances. I would be screamed at all day and felt like a complete failure and completely alone. I kept asking him to help and take the baby when he got home so I could just have 10 minutes on my own. I would happily cook dinner, just to have time off but he always said no as he didn't like baby stuff and the baby needed me not him and he'd had a hard day and just wanted to relax for a bit when he got home. This again caused arguments. I did say things like I wish he would be more of a father and help out more but he said his contribution was to provide the money and a roof over our heads not to deal with the baby stuff. We had a lot of arguments and just couldn't seem to see eye to eye on anything.

We are a year or so on and things with the baby are much better, although he still rarely looks after our child, never does bath or bed time so I can never go out or do anything on an evening. But he is still harbouring resentment from that first 6 months when according to him I was a nightmare to live with and he thinks its clear I had PND as I was so horrible to him. He says he used to drive to work hating me and not want to come home as he knew all he would get is me crying or being angry with him and he got no appreciation for how hard he was working to provide for us.

He wants an apology for how horrible I was to him and how miserable I made him but I don't know how to apologise as I don't remember being that awful but I do remember it being an awful time and crying out for him to help me and him turning his back on me and saying it was my problem to deal with. So we appear to be at an impass.

I dont know if we can recover from this unless I apologise and take all the blame for everything. I have tried saying I'm sorry that I hurt him but that I was hurting too and felt alone, but he wants more than that. He wants me to apologise and mean it with no 'buts' and fully acknowledge that it was all my fault.

AIBU? Should I just apologise and take all the blame?

I don't think it was fair to abandon you to do all the "baby stuff" by yourself, especially when your baby was premature and had issues that caused constant screaming in the beginning. Yes you agreed that it would be mostly your job, but the baby is his responsibility, too and this sounds neglectful of him.

I'm sorry OP but I'd feel very abandoned and don't think I could get past the hurt, not only of him doing this to you but also then blaming you for everything and demanding an apology.

That was completely shitty of him to do that to you, and I am staggered that he wants you to apologise and take all the blame.

I think you're being manipulated and possibly abused.

I would very much worry what he would do if you show him this thread

We have a 6 month old DS. My DH works all hours so that we can afford for me to take longer maternity, comes home, takes the baby and does bath and bedtime to spend quality time with him, I do dinner but he clears it all up. At weekends he gets up with the baby overnight if needed and I get a lie in both days plus he takes our DS out for an afternoon so I can have some time to myself

The above is pretty normal from what I know my friends arrangements with their babies are.

So don't let him spin you this line that you should be grateful for the bare minimum he's doing!

Get rid!

Don’t send him the link, this is a place where you’ll get support and hopefully advice to realise how vile he is being to you. I actually feel really awful for you reading this 😔

Would individual counselling help you in regards to your self esteem maybe? Just to realise this is not normal and you shouldn’t be accepting this from him?

It’s really really bad just reading this. Take care of yourself 💚

I too find it bizarre in the extreme that your husband really thought you shouldn't list your poorly newborn baby in hospital every day. In fact, I find it bizarre that he didn't do the same himself, not least to give you a break.

Honestly, if anyone needs to apologise, he does.

If you want to try to preserve this marriage, you need to get to couples counselling, fast, and when you do you need not to hold back on talking about his behaviour. But, to be honest, I'm not holding my breath that this will make much difference with someone who seems to have so much selfishness ingrained in every fibre of his being.

DO NOT SHOW HIM THE THREAD

It's not that he doesn't understand. It's that he doesn't care. He will use any of this as ammunition against you.

Look up the freedom programme materials. Go to the relationships board and ask for help. Your husband is abusive and you need to save yourself and your baby. Good luck and love to you

Growing up with this loathsome man as a father will do untold damage to your child. He sound dangerous, as he cares so little for your condition, health and safety, and seems to care so little for the child I would consider it a risk to leave him with the baby unsupervised.

Sometimes a post like this is a bit of a wake-up call that a relationship is not supposed to be this way. It is not common, normal or expected to have men in our homes who refuse to 'do baby stuff' or criticise your decision to see your hospitalised child. That is some deeply unnerving stuff.

You will one day look back on the day you met this man with regret, but please make plans to get to safety.

@MarriageSOS

Thank you all for your comments! I have tried justifying myself to him but he won't listen to me. I know I'm not a Saint and I have a tongue on me sometimes and I can be mean but I have honestly tried to get our marriage back on track.

I asked him to come to couples counciling, which he did do for a session but nothing really changed and he thought it was unnecessary. So I think i might just send him the link to this thread.

Just so he can't say that I kept any details back and tried to paint him in a bad light. He does work hard at running a company. He often works 10+ hour days and, due to his hard work, we have just been able to buy my absolute dream house. If he didnt work as hard or took more time off then the company would be in a much worse state and none of this would have been possible.

I would just like to have a husband who doesn't resent me and maybe shows me a tiny bit of affection. I've not been even hugged by him in a year, let alone anything else.

OP, it's nice you have a dream house but it is lower down on the list of needs.

What is more important is that you have a partner who has your back through thick and thin (like when you're having a premature/sick baby) and cares for you. That isn't him. He is selfish and should not have had a child.

I would just like to have a husband who doesn't resent me and maybe shows me a tiny bit of affection. I've not been even hugged by him in a year, let alone anything else.

@MarriageSOS Then you need to ditch this one, as he isn’t it. I know you’re probably not in a good place, and you’re trying to make the best of a poor situation, but read your initial post back to yourself - everything is about him, he’s not taken you into consideration at all, and worse, he’s told you he won’t. He’s not bringing anything of value to your life, or your child’s.

So nothing much has changed. You are still.doing the child stuff and he is still shirking his responsibilities. Bin the selfish man child and find happiness where someone is your partner not.your master.
Oh, and tell him the temperature in hell would have to drop substantially for.you to.feel that his appalling unsupportive behaviour requires you to apologise.
Even if you had PND which is a mental health disorder you should not apologise for it.
Twonk.

I'd have his stuff on the lawn and tell him sorry it gets wet if it rains. Absolute wanker

A man who is geuinely afraid his partner has PND steps up like my DH did. He often attended work calls with DS in his arms so I could sleep. Your DP is just using it to control you. Leave the fucker and don’t look back.

@MarriageSOS

But what if I was that horrible to him and I just don't remember because I was tired and emotionally drained and was lashing out? He was very good at providing. He ran a company, did the majority of shopping and cooking and helped with cleaning. I know he did a lot more than what a lot of men do (he reminds me of this quite a lot).

No, no, no. Seriously please read that as if you were not the writer. "He reminds me of this quite a lot", that makes me so angry. Does he have any understanding of what it takes to look after a baby, nevermind a poorly baby. As PP have said LTB. You and your baby deserve better.

I can't imagine why you haven't got divorced. He is cruel, unfeeling and abusive. He should he on his hands and knees begging for your forgiveness.

I think you should see a counsellor to talk about why you put up with him.

Wow, he's done a right job on you. You have nothing to apologise for ! He's a dick. Yes he may work lots of hours but you are working far far more

Please do not apologise.
He wants you to apologise (or, as he sees it, beg his forgiveness) so that he can use this against you in the future.
And he will. Repeatedly.
You need to leave him.

He absolutely hasn’t done more than most men!!
I don’t want to list everything mine does it will sound like bragging - and he’s not perfect or anything - but he does everything you said yours (provides financially, works extremely hard etc) plus he plays with the kids in the evening, reads the bedtime story and takes charge of them at the weekend so I get a break.
He is emotionally abusing you!

Op, you’re questioning yourself.

I think that says it all. You’re so manipulated you can’t even look at this situation and believe all of the reply's you’ve had off people here.

He’s financially providing for you, but only because that’s part of providing for himself financially. That isn’t providing for your family.

It's not you, it's him. He sounds like a horrible, sexist, abusive arsehole and you and your little one deserve better. The early days you've described sound so hard and I really feel for you, but it's also normal and it sounds like you had very little support (emotional or physical) from him. He is now gaslighting you. You sound like a fantastic mum who would be far better off without this tosser.

@YetAnotherSpartacus

Tell him to shove his two-inch prick down a meat-mincer.

. this

He's emotionally abusing you OP. He's not a nice person, at least not to you and your DC.

Please find a way to get out of this, you've been doing it alone since day one, you don't need him.

@JamRolyPolyAnyone

Do you know I honestly would say "I'm going to tell you now, I will never apologise for that time because I have absolutely nothing to apologise for. Clearly this apology is important to you and whether our marriage continues seems to hinge on it but it won't happen. Please make your decisions on this accordingly because this is stalemate and I will not budge, so I will give you a week or two to think things over and at the end of that time, if you're still adamant you're owed this apology I must conclude our marriage is over". Then leave it at that

^^ This

Then if he decides your marriage isn’t worth saving he can explain to everyone that he left you because you were suffering with PND after the prem birth of your baby, he refused to support you, he would have nothing to do with the baby and you refused to apologise for being grumpy, worn out and stressed.

Let him prove to everyone what an utterly useless, manipulating, controlling husband and father he is.

Apologise to him indeed 😂

Says everything I was going to say.

Except - I think he isn't going to 'forgive' you even if you did apologise. He's just going to continuously throw it in your face at every opportunity, because that is they type of person he is. The most grovelling apology possible would only satisfy him for the shortest of times; he'd then look around for something else to throw at you, to keep you 'small' so that he can feel 'big'.

Telling him you won't apologise and he has to make a decision is the only possible course. It gives him the opportunity to step back and change, but I doubt he'll take it .

@tabulahrasa

Honestly? I’d tell him to fuck off... and mean it.

Yep, me too. What a selfish, emotionally stunted moron he must be.

Your updates are making me sad.

I can only think there is some sort of coercive control from him if you have think he did more them most husbands. My youngest had an undiagnosed lactose intolerance. My husband comforted him for hours so I could rest. It never crossed his mind to do otherwise, and he held a job down and helped with my 3 eldest.

You married a selfish git.

@MostlyAmbridgeandcoffee

I think you would benefit from some couples counselling to try to help see the situation from the other’s shoes.

Don't be utterly fucking ridiculous. You don't go to counselling with an abusive bully

I dont know if I voted wrong. I voted yabu to apologise. Sorry. Your husband really should have been more supportive