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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband won't forgive me unless I apologise

539 replies

MarriageSOS · 08/08/2020 11:00

To try and cut a long story short, my husband and I have not been getting on for some time and things are getting worse. I had a difficult and I ended up giving birth very early which then resulted in a long hospital stay for our little one. We argued during this time as I was going every day and was exhausted and he didn't think it was necessary and I was bringing it on myself so he had no sympathy. I felt completely alone and was hurting, helpless and scared.

Once home we really struggled. Our baby didn't sleep and screamed constantly. We much later found out it was due to intolerances. I would be screamed at all day and felt like a complete failure and completely alone. I kept asking him to help and take the baby when he got home so I could just have 10 minutes on my own. I would happily cook dinner, just to have time off but he always said no as he didn't like baby stuff and the baby needed me not him and he'd had a hard day and just wanted to relax for a bit when he got home. This again caused arguments. I did say things like I wish he would be more of a father and help out more but he said his contribution was to provide the money and a roof over our heads not to deal with the baby stuff. We had a lot of arguments and just couldn't seem to see eye to eye on anything.

We are a year or so on and things with the baby are much better, although he still rarely looks after our child, never does bath or bed time so I can never go out or do anything on an evening. But he is still harbouring resentment from that first 6 months when according to him I was a nightmare to live with and he thinks its clear I had PND as I was so horrible to him. He says he used to drive to work hating me and not want to come home as he knew all he would get is me crying or being angry with him and he got no appreciation for how hard he was working to provide for us.

He wants an apology for how horrible I was to him and how miserable I made him but I don't know how to apologise as I don't remember being that awful but I do remember it being an awful time and crying out for him to help me and him turning his back on me and saying it was my problem to deal with. So we appear to be at an impass.

I dont know if we can recover from this unless I apologise and take all the blame for everything. I have tried saying I'm sorry that I hurt him but that I was hurting too and felt alone, but he wants more than that. He wants me to apologise and mean it with no 'buts' and fully acknowledge that it was all my fault.

AIBU? Should I just apologise and take all the blame?

OP posts:
howfarwevecome · 08/08/2020 12:06

He was being a dick of the highest order. Shockingly so.

If you were horrible to him because of it, HE DESERVED IT!

Why the hell are you putting up with this massive waste of space of a shit parent and spouse?

Kitkat05 · 08/08/2020 12:06

@MarriageSOS im in exactly the same situation. Every you have said matches my situation. Early birth to my husband not doing anything. So I told him the door is there if he wants to ff. I'm not going anywhere.

MzHz · 08/08/2020 12:06

He’s not struggling to forgive you, an apology wouldn’t fix this.

He’s a pathetic little abuser who is using your vulnerability as a weapon and manufacturing anger to control you...

The only thing you’re guilty of is not seeing the wood for the trees and demanding better for you and your baby

Get him out of your lives any way you can- your life will improve immensely

Itsatoughgig · 08/08/2020 12:06

Do not go to couples counselling with this abusive prick. As pp’s have stated if he’d genuinely thought you’d had pnd he would help with support not use it as “a stick to beat you with”
I’m so sorry you did not have the support you and baby deserved.

Kitkat05 · 08/08/2020 12:06

*thing

Iamdobby63 · 08/08/2020 12:08

Has he always been this controlling? I have to agree that this is emotional abuse. It doesn’t sound like he respects you at all. Do not apologise, especially when you don’t even know what you are apologising for. This insistence of his is made worse by him stating you had PND, he seems to have taking that as something he could blame you for.

Also, stating he’s not good with ‘baby stuff’ is not a get out of jail free card.

Itsatoughgig · 08/08/2020 12:09

@MarriageSOS please don’t send him the link.

Kitkat05 · 08/08/2020 12:10

@MarriageSOS just read your last post and can't believe how similiar we are.. exactly nearly exactly the same! I don't get a hug too. I just laugh it off. But i made it well clear the door is there if he wants to go. If he has other intentions.

Nothing effects me now. I don't let it. I just take care of my LO.

Good thing he works 11 hours a day and only has one day off 😂

Pol16 · 08/08/2020 12:10

My blood is boiling on your behalf! Do not even think of apologising! He should be grovelling to you for being such an inadequate and unsupportive partner during a time when you were going through so much. Personally I’d rather be on my own than with someone like that and would be planning my escape. My heart truly goes out to you.

Crinkle77 · 08/08/2020 12:10

He's a fucking abusive cock. I feel enraged just reading this.

2020nymph · 08/08/2020 12:10

@tabulahrasa

Honestly? I’d tell him to fuck off... and mean it.

This.

madcatladyforever · 08/08/2020 12:11

Tell him to get the fuck out and never come back and mean it. What a twat. Dont you dare apologise.

letsmakethishappen · 08/08/2020 12:12

He’s an idiot just tell him to fuck off please!!!!

QueenofmyPrinces · 08/08/2020 12:12

He sounds like a total bastard!

When I read that you had a premature baby and he didn’t think it was necessary that you visit and so had no sympathy for how tired you were, all I could think was what a nasty, nasty cruel man he is. And then I read the rest of the thread and my opinion went even more downhill.

This is not a nice man at all.

I have two children and believe me, I had some arguments with my husband during the challenges in the early weeks but he would never ever, ever treat me like your DH does, or be wanting apologies.

Sorry OP - but like I said, this is not a nice man and you and your baby deserve so much better.

If I had a DH as cruel as yours then I would be off.

I still can’t get over him thinking that visiting your premature baby was unnecessary - that’s just disgusting.

Mamadoll · 08/08/2020 12:12

He's a shit father and a shit husband. If your child grows up in an environment where one parent is so detached from them, they won't forget it and the potential psychological damage that it will do to them as an adult. Do you want that for your little one?

You and your child deserve so much better than this. Honestly, I'm speechless and angry in equal measures reading this.

GeneParmesanPrivateEye · 08/08/2020 12:12

@MarriageSOS

But what if I was that horrible to him and I just don't remember because I was tired and emotionally drained and was lashing out? He was very good at providing. He ran a company, did the majority of shopping and cooking and helped with cleaning. I know he did a lot more than what a lot of men do (he reminds me of this quite a lot).
Nope, not more than most men. Not at all. He went to work and bought some food, and helped with the cleaning? Bare minimum mate, that's called being a grown up. Nothing to do with parenting. Also, you're supposed to be a team, a family. So he's SUPPOSED to do his fair fucking share. This post has made me so annoyed. If you had PND you don't have to apologise for that. His behaviour towards you sounds utterly dreadful and cruel. But I know I'm only hearing one side, so in the interested of fairness I think my only suggestion here is counselling. As a couple, definitely. (But also for you, so can you can rediscover some self-esteem, because I think you deserve better than the bare minimum.)
BridgeFarmKefir · 08/08/2020 12:13

GTFO now. He's an abusive asshole who has zero interest in you or your poor child. I'm sorry you're going through this..

yoloyohol · 08/08/2020 12:13

One session of counseling didn't instantly fix a complex situation, so he decided it wasn't necessary?
He really does see himself as the boss, the one who decides whats right and wrong, and massively above you and this child , doesn't he?

Everyone gets that he's a dick, but but do you know why you enable his delusions?

I'm in no way trying to have a go at you btw, simply trying to understand what's keeping this situation together beyond your fear and guilt, and hoping you're asking yourself this question.

Winelover123 · 08/08/2020 12:14

@CatherinedeBourgh

OP I had a baby like that. The first six months until he was on medication and out of the woods were the hardest of my life.

Dh did everything it was physically possible to do without milk producing breasts. He took the baby whenever he could, did all the cooking, cleaning etc. Came to every single medical appointment (there were loads), and so on.

That was 13 years ago. Ds is now a strapping teenager, but if he ever gives me the slightest bit of lip dh comes down on him like a ton of bricks, saying that given what I had to go through and did for him at the time, he owes me nothing but undying gratitude. Dh still thanks me whenever talk goes round to the topic of babies.

He says as far as he’s concerned, if I want to sit around and do nothing for the rest of my life I’ve earned it with the work I did in those early years.

You have absolutely nothing to apologise about. He, on the other hand, would probably be unable to apologise enough to compensate for his complete failure as a husband and father.

OP... This! A hundred times over! Good men parent their children and support their partners. Yours does neither and wants an apology from you?! I rarely comment on posts but I really hope you find the strength to leave if he isn't willing to understand this and change.
AnyFucker · 08/08/2020 12:14

Show this fucking prick the door

EggBoxes · 08/08/2020 12:14

So I think i might just send him the link to this thread.

Think about why you feel this might be a good idea but do not actually do it.

This is a tricky situation. Do you want to apologise? Do you want to accept and acknowledge how difficult it was for him and say that you are sorry for your part in it? This would be a means of healing the rift and the relationship carrying on. I wouldn't hesitate if this were me and my current relationship.
Or do you feel that actually this isn't a true representation of what the situation was, and that an apology could never be genuine (because it's not actually owed). I think if you feel like this then it's a sign that the relationship is unhealthy and it's in nobody's best interests for it to continue.

EggBoxes · 08/08/2020 12:16

Ds is now a strapping teenager, but if he ever gives me the slightest bit of lip dh comes down on him like a ton of bricks, saying that given what I had to go through and did for him at the time, he owes me nothing but undying gratitude.

Wow. Does your 13 year old ever turn around and say, "Well I didn't ask to be born!"?

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 08/08/2020 12:16

I can't quite get my head around why/how you're still there putting up with him.

toetheline20 · 08/08/2020 12:16

In any of this has there ever been, or will there ever be, an apology from him? If the answer is no, you should seriously consider your position.

HollowTalk · 08/08/2020 12:17

Please don't show him this thread. You should never give a man like this ammunition.

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