My husband won't forgive me unless I apologise

[MarriageSOS]

To try and cut a long story short, my husband and I have not been getting on for some time and things are getting worse. I had a difficult and I ended up giving birth very early which then resulted in a long hospital stay for our little one. We argued during this time as I was going every day and was exhausted and he didn't think it was necessary and I was bringing it on myself so he had no sympathy. I felt completely alone and was hurting, helpless and scared.

Once home we really struggled. Our baby didn't sleep and screamed constantly. We much later found out it was due to intolerances. I would be screamed at all day and felt like a complete failure and completely alone. I kept asking him to help and take the baby when he got home so I could just have 10 minutes on my own. I would happily cook dinner, just to have time off but he always said no as he didn't like baby stuff and the baby needed me not him and he'd had a hard day and just wanted to relax for a bit when he got home. This again caused arguments. I did say things like I wish he would be more of a father and help out more but he said his contribution was to provide the money and a roof over our heads not to deal with the baby stuff. We had a lot of arguments and just couldn't seem to see eye to eye on anything.

We are a year or so on and things with the baby are much better, although he still rarely looks after our child, never does bath or bed time so I can never go out or do anything on an evening. But he is still harbouring resentment from that first 6 months when according to him I was a nightmare to live with and he thinks its clear I had PND as I was so horrible to him. He says he used to drive to work hating me and not want to come home as he knew all he would get is me crying or being angry with him and he got no appreciation for how hard he was working to provide for us.

He wants an apology for how horrible I was to him and how miserable I made him but I don't know how to apologise as I don't remember being that awful but I do remember it being an awful time and crying out for him to help me and him turning his back on me and saying it was my problem to deal with. So we appear to be at an impass.

I dont know if we can recover from this unless I apologise and take all the blame for everything. I have tried saying I'm sorry that I hurt him but that I was hurting too and felt alone, but he wants more than that. He wants me to apologise and mean it with no 'buts' and fully acknowledge that it was all my fault.

AIBU? Should I just apologise and take all the blame?

LTB!!!!! Absolutely no excuse for not moving heaven and earth to visit your sick child every day. That to me is far more important than any financial benefit he adds to the family. Money means nothing if he doesn't care about you or the baby. Sorry OP

Always read mumsnet stories never commented before but your situation is fuckin heart breaking.

I know everything you haven't said because I lived your story.

I want to share an analogy which gives me strength. "there is a crocodile in the water. You don't hate the crocodile. You know if you get in water it will eat you... But that's just its nature. In fact, if it's badly treated or endangered you want to help. But you DON'T!!! get in the water"

What I mean by this in case its unclear. I learned that loving someone isn't enough. You can understand why they act the way they do. Love them, worry about them, try to help. But sometimes you have to love from afar or you will end up ripped to pieces.

My ex partner was also autistic. I thought I could save him. He emotionally and financially abused me so much that when the violence started it didn't even hurt, it was just my normal. He ignored me and withheld affection until I felt like an insane ghost. But that was my fault, if only I didn't bother him, was perfect, gave up everything that made me happy, stayed silent, subservient and cut myself off from everyone he wouldn't be so mad.

Thankfully I gave up my dream of a baby. I secretly knew it's head would be smashed off a wall if I took my eyes off it.......... I was right he murdered my dog & my chickens.

It took 3 years of therapy to learn to love myself but I'm now happy with a man who loves and respects me. Because I love and respect me and if I ever feel in dangerous water again I'll remember the crocodile.

Your husband doesn't or can't love you and the baby the way you need, which it is doesn't matter. It's no reflection on you. But if you stay in this situation you and baby will be destroyed.

All my love darling be brave. Your not as alone as you feel. I know its so hard to break free but I promise you it's worth it ❤️

Not often I join in the group pile on but in this case pass me my extra heavy shit kicking boots. What a wanker.

Beautifully put @Marriedtoapenguin

This was my exh to the letter. Except he went one better by screaming in my face everytime i cried, telling the doctor that came to the house when i collapsed with exhaustion 4 days after a c section that there was no way he would even change a nappy( he wasnt a servant) screaming at me and banging doors if the baby cried, and then having an affair because i was " so miserable all the time, what did i expect?"
Throwing him out suddenly made my life 1000 percent easier. I was used to do everything on my own anyway. Suddenly i had 1 less person to look after. Me and the kids could eat when we wanted and what we wanted. I didnt have to pick the kids toys up and make sure the house was spotless before he came home in case i got screamed at. I didnt stress to death when the baby cried. All my PND symptoms improved overnight. Please please please understand how serious this is. This man is destroying you and trying to make you apologise !!!

What is he bringing to the table?

He can provide financial support along with zero emotional or parenting support once you're divorced, with the added bonus of not having him being obnoxious to you in your own home!

He wants you to apologise for having his child, probably being quite unwell yourself and dealing with a miserable, poorly baby completely alone? Unbelievable.

He is not a keeper.

No fucking way.

I was a total fucking insane bitch to live with for the first 18 months after my son was born, due to a very traumatic birth, PND, etc. My husband has never been anything other than 100% understanding and supportive.

If your husband wanted to alleviate your symptoms and improve your mood so that you wouldn’t be so sad/angry/stressed, he should have fucking helped you!

Did you not talk about how things would be before the baby was born? You are BOTH the baby’s parents and you are both equally responsible for him/her. It should not be all on you. I know some will say “Oh but her partner works full-time” but being a SAHM is working full-time too. Your partner really needs to sort himself out. It’s not love to treat you like this - to watch you struggling and just refuse to do anything about it then to demand an apology for his hurt feelings! What an absolute dick. I’m sorry but that makes me really angry!

I’m shocked at what I just read. I’ve read al of your updates.
Big hugs to you.
Tell him to fuck off. He doesn’t deserve you or your baby.
I would send him this thread so he starts to realise what an absolute shit father and husband he is.

You have to leave OP. Don't sell your happiness (and your dd's) for the sake of a dream home.

You only get one life and it's far too short to feel bullied and disrespected and unloved.

I just read your other posts. I just wanted to add that my husband also said before we had kids that he didn’t really want to do the baby stuff and that they would primarily be my responsibility. He is not especially affectionate or emotional either - in fact I have often wondered if he has autism too. But when he saw me having a hard time he wanted to do everything he could to help me because THAT’S WHAT LOVE IS. Please do show your husband this thread because he needs to be made aware that his attitude and behaviour is not OK.

P. S. my partner and I are getting married and currently TTC. He doesn't flip out when I cry. Loves children and is a good dad. Is wonderful to my family and treats me like a princess.....your comment about he does more than most dad's made me want to throw up.... I remember trying to pretend I was happy with scraps but a starving dog will think that's a feast.

Your husband is abusive! not just maybe.

I'm not religious but praying for you sweetheart. Please, please save yourself 😭

We argued during this time as I was going every day and was exhausted and he didn't think it was necessary and I was bringing it on myself so he had no sympathy.

That is unforgivable. I'm so sorry, you seem to be really suffering and he is exaserbating that rather than supporting you. Hes not adapted to parenthood and hes not being a partner to you.

Reading between the lines it to me it feels like he's looking for an 'out', could he be having an affair?

Why have you got him? What use is he? Lose him as soon as possible, he's a pig.

God, it's like stepping back into the 1950s.
You poor, poor love. You did absolutely nothing wrong, and actually deserve full credit for getting you and baby through that difficult first year

From first post op he sounds abusive and he is gaslighting you.. wishing you the support you need right now xx

Get rid, OP. He sounds deeply unpleasant and not like a partner at all. He should have sympathy and empathy for the extremely difficult situation you faced as new parents.

Personally advice you get him to move out tell him it's over. Look into the freedom programme etc. Wouldn't rule out needing the police tbh. Find local parent friends who can be your support network .. etc xx

I am going to suggest you do the freedom program. My ex was abusive .

What I read you are been told a lot of how awful you are, how amazing he is . I did it after I left my ex with Mh issues - it helped me realise

Yes he works - why won’t he do bedtime ?The fact he thinks you had pnd and you should apologise Is out there in shocking and of course and of course you wanted to see you baby every day .

Providing is far more than monatery

I was hit by a bus once. Autistic boyfriend didn't want to Leave My! Graduation party to take me to hospital.

We fought one day and I didn't come home for 3 days..... He didn't call or bother to check where I was. I was in hospital with severe concussion after falling downstair.

He couldn't handleme being stressed, ill, crying or in an emergency. He was never there when I needed him.

I have many autistic friends and family. They are good people. Maybe 🙄 it was his condition.... But It was irrelevant. He wasn't capable of being a partner

Well at least you might get a rest for the few hours he has access - although that sounds as if it'll peter out too.

It was a difficult time, no one was to blame, but he was a dick seeing you on your knees and not doing anything - even if he didn't like babies. He was willing to not only see you in distress but now he's blaming you for his feelings too..

Oh god what an arse. Our DS was a preemie too and stayed in hospital for a month. I would visit every day and my OH would work 10 hour days and then go straight to the hospital every day to see him, the nurses would even joke he'd breastfeed him if he could. I had PTSD from that period and I'm sure I wasn't a joy to be with but he supported me and encouraged me to get help when I needed it. He's not perfect by any stretch of the imagination but he certainly wouldn't expect me to apologise for anything in the first few months, if anything, he reassures me when I beat myself up about it.
You deserve better. And please do seek support for your NICU experience if you need to. It took me a year to ask for help but I'm glad I did

Yes you do. No affection, no care, no love, no respect, no help. Is this what you want for the rest of your life .........

At first I thought it wasn’t that bad but then I read all your posts and more than anything else I would say this is not the best environment for your child. Whatever doubts or thoughts or questions you have, just look at your kid and you will know what to do. You can’t go wrong doing what is right for your child.

@MarriageSOS

He is good with our child now as long as they are happy and wanting to play but if dc is upset or restless then he can't deal with that.

He has never been overly affectionate and has always had his moments of being a tool but I feel this is next level. Sometimes I won't even be spoke to! He comes in from work and talks to DC but just ignores me. So often I just walk away and do something else until I hear her shouting and him getting annoyed then I come back.

I tried talking to him but he said he didn't want to have this discussion with me when DC was asleep upstairs and tbh my whole attitude was atrocious and he cant be arsed with me and he walked out and has driven off. So I dont really know where to go from here...

Where you go from here is to a solicitor on Monday, armed with the phrase ‘unreasonable behaviour’ at absolute minimum.

What an absolute utter arsehole he is.

I tried talking to him but he said he didn't want to have this discussion with me when DC was asleep upstairs and tbh my whole attitude was atrocious and he cant be arsed with me and he walked out and has driven off. So I dont really know where to go from here...
If he really said "I can't be arsed with you" before walking out then he has told you all you need to know. As MN says "When someone tells you who they are, then listen the first time". Sorry, OP but he has checked out of your marriage, time to do some serious thinking, get some legal advice and proceed from there.

Even if you don't think he means it, the way he speaks to you and the way he treats you are abusive. Might even be worth contacting Women's Aid for some moral support and advice.

You poor thing