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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband won't forgive me unless I apologise

539 replies

MarriageSOS · 08/08/2020 11:00

To try and cut a long story short, my husband and I have not been getting on for some time and things are getting worse. I had a difficult and I ended up giving birth very early which then resulted in a long hospital stay for our little one. We argued during this time as I was going every day and was exhausted and he didn't think it was necessary and I was bringing it on myself so he had no sympathy. I felt completely alone and was hurting, helpless and scared.

Once home we really struggled. Our baby didn't sleep and screamed constantly. We much later found out it was due to intolerances. I would be screamed at all day and felt like a complete failure and completely alone. I kept asking him to help and take the baby when he got home so I could just have 10 minutes on my own. I would happily cook dinner, just to have time off but he always said no as he didn't like baby stuff and the baby needed me not him and he'd had a hard day and just wanted to relax for a bit when he got home. This again caused arguments. I did say things like I wish he would be more of a father and help out more but he said his contribution was to provide the money and a roof over our heads not to deal with the baby stuff. We had a lot of arguments and just couldn't seem to see eye to eye on anything.

We are a year or so on and things with the baby are much better, although he still rarely looks after our child, never does bath or bed time so I can never go out or do anything on an evening. But he is still harbouring resentment from that first 6 months when according to him I was a nightmare to live with and he thinks its clear I had PND as I was so horrible to him. He says he used to drive to work hating me and not want to come home as he knew all he would get is me crying or being angry with him and he got no appreciation for how hard he was working to provide for us.

He wants an apology for how horrible I was to him and how miserable I made him but I don't know how to apologise as I don't remember being that awful but I do remember it being an awful time and crying out for him to help me and him turning his back on me and saying it was my problem to deal with. So we appear to be at an impass.

I dont know if we can recover from this unless I apologise and take all the blame for everything. I have tried saying I'm sorry that I hurt him but that I was hurting too and felt alone, but he wants more than that. He wants me to apologise and mean it with no 'buts' and fully acknowledge that it was all my fault.

AIBU? Should I just apologise and take all the blame?

OP posts:
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 08/08/2020 22:02

I couldn't read your whole post, sorry. My veins were coming out of my neck. He doesn't like the baby stuff. I highly doubt he was thinking that at the moment of ejaculation. He's a toxin a cancer. Please get rid of him. You and your baby do not need him. What exactly does he have to 'forgive' you for.
Im so Angry on your behalf.

hammie46i · 08/08/2020 22:21

@MarriageSOS

He is good with our child now as long as they are happy and wanting to play but if dc is upset or restless then he can't deal with that.

He has never been overly affectionate and has always had his moments of being a tool but I feel this is next level. Sometimes I won't even be spoke to! He comes in from work and talks to DC but just ignores me. So often I just walk away and do something else until I hear her shouting and him getting annoyed then I come back.

I tried talking to him but he said he didn't want to have this discussion with me when DC was asleep upstairs and tbh my whole attitude was atrocious and he cant be arsed with me and he walked out and has driven off. So I dont really know where to go from here...

OP why do you love him? He sounds awful. He is someone that needs an obedient slave, not a woman with her own mind.

I am sorry but I think you're in love with the person he used to be, or the person he used to pretend to be.

hammie46i · 08/08/2020 22:27

I also think you should leave him. What you're getting out of this is nowhere near enough.

OK so you have your dream house, and a husband who makes good money, but what does it matter when you don't have a partner at all, or even someone who cares.

You should divorce him because at least then you will be free to find a true partner who will be a team with you, and care for you.

I also find this whole situation extremely sad, I don't know what the fuck is wrong with this excuse for a human being but it's chilling that he was not caring about your baby as much as you were when he/she was ill. Either you're married to a sociopath or you're married to an absolute twat of the first degree.

hammie46i · 08/08/2020 22:31

I think YOU are the one in need of a massive apology for his failings in the early days of your baby.

YOU are the one who was mistreated and abandoned.

Even if you get an apology, I don't know how it can make up for the fact that he's clearly a wrongun.

And I doubt you'd ever get an apology.

I'm just saying this because I find it incredible that someone can be so mean & awful to you and then except YOU to apologise.

copperoliver · 08/08/2020 22:36

This man is a total prick and you and your baby are better off without him.
He is jealous of your baby and the time you spend on the baby rather than running around after him. If he hasn't bonded with your baby now he never will. He's a total arsehole tell him to leave. X

sunshinesheila · 08/08/2020 22:40

Is this really the life you want for you and your child. Run for the hills. Dont apologise to him, appologise to yourself, for being subjected to this crap. Your future self will thank you. He sounds like a grade A twat.

ChristmasCarcass · 08/08/2020 22:42

He is good with our child now as long as they are happy and wanting to play but if dc is upset or restless then he can't deal with that

Your child is not a fucking performing seal. He sounds absolutely vile, and if you stay with him he will fuck your child up with his conditional “love”. He already walks away from her if she shows anything other than positive emotion. What is that teaching her?

DishingOutDone · 08/08/2020 22:45

I suspected your baby is a girl, and he will treat her the same as he treats you; she will be massively affected by seeing his contempt for you.

Have you got any in real life you can talk to now, is your mum around or a best friend? Are you saying he left the house earlier? Has he come back? Is there anywhere you could take the baby and go? I think you need to get legal advice on Monday.

Scotmummy1216 · 08/08/2020 22:46

He owes you an apology. Hes the one thats missing out on the baby stuff he will regret it in the future when you have all the memories with your child and he doesn't

NinkiNonkiNikau · 08/08/2020 22:51

Your relationship is dead from e sounds of it.

Heatherjayne1972 · 08/08/2020 22:52

He wants an apology because In his head he’s the winner He’s top dog and Never wrong
And if you apologise he will use that against you at some future time
He sounds like my ex

You’re worth so much more than this

Imworthit · 08/08/2020 23:23

@motoko everything she said

Oliversmumsarmy · 08/08/2020 23:24

He is good with our child now as long as they are happy and wanting to play but if dc is upset or restless then he can't deal with that

He really isn’t grown up enough to have children.

So unless your child is perfect and no child is then there is trouble.

Why put your dc and yourself through years of unhappiness

Starlightstarbright1 · 09/08/2020 00:52

@Oliversmumsarmy

He is good with our child now as long as they are happy and wanting to play but if dc is upset or restless then he can't deal with that

He really isn’t grown up enough to have children.

So unless your child is perfect and no child is then there is trouble.

Why put your dc and yourself through years of unhappiness

I agree , normal development is they will push boundaries, cry , get upset - you aren’t a good parent if you can’t deal with that .
stitchandbitch101 · 09/08/2020 01:07

I rarely comment on relationship threads giving out advice but I couldn't pass this up. I'm so sorry OP. I would leave. If not for you then for the sake of your DC who is only interesting to their DF when in a good mood. That's not a normal household environment to be raised in. Good luck Thanks

chrislilleyswig · 09/08/2020 03:12

This whole thread has upset me so much

OP the overwhelming view is there for you to see

Please take the next step

I did and I've never looked back

cantsaynotocake · 09/08/2020 04:51

This is quite possibly the most upsetting and disturbing threads I've read on here😞
OP you don't deserve this abuse, you and your lovely little baby would have the happiest of lives together in a tiny little flat. The big house doesn't mean a thing. Love does. And you and your husband are not In love he is absolutely vile. No real husband/ father behaves like this. I really hope you find the courage to leave him!
Sending so much love x

mayormaynot · 09/08/2020 05:25

I was you. I was in the exact same situation. Please read these replies. They are the truth. I can feel you defending your husband. There is no excuse, you can not change him. You have done nothing wrong. Your reactions were normal and he should have supported and helped you. He is a father, he can not get away with saying he doesn't like baby stuff. Read these replies. Learn about narcissistic personality disorder and abusers. It often starts when you have a baby. No matter what you do, you can not 'win' or fix him or your marriage. Giving the apology will not change him and we can all see from his actions he is no good. I'm sorry but this isn't going to be the last problem you have. Please listen to these replies. I really wish you luck. Be smart. Look after you and your baby.

Porridgeoat · 09/08/2020 05:25

It’s irrelevant that he’s not into baby stuff. He has a baby and therefore has baby stuff to deal with.

mayormaynot · 09/08/2020 05:44

I also want to leave you a huge hug! You've reminded me how confused I was when this happened to me. My ex was 'very important', he had to have his sleep and rest as he provided money etc etc. I was left hanging by a thread. Not that anyone else would have noticed as I'm good at spinning plates... I just shouldn't have had to. Now my eyes are open and I am so sad to think of you in the same confused place. My life was 1000 times easier when he left. I would never have believed it but you must. As for the dream house, my smaller home with my little one was also my dream home. I loved it and have many very happy memories in my perfect but smaller place.

HusbandDadMoron · 09/08/2020 06:25

Any real man will do anything for his wife/parter and family that's where the real hard works done not 10hrs at the office or whatever work he is doing. He has to be willing to do both, he needs to man up or you tell to go. I personally think he sound a dick.

RainingMeatballs · 09/08/2020 08:02

My dh used to have a touch of this about him, though not as extreme.

My advice is calmly lay it on the table. You will not be apologising as you disagree it was a mutual problem. Ask him where he wants to go from there and put the ball back in his court. Do not threaten to leave and be calm. Repeat the same thing if you have to, the apology is not happening as you disagree with him. Ask again what his next step from there is. Is he moving on from it or ending it? Don’t allow him to remain in his head the one who is wronged and passive whilst all
The bad things are done to him. If he wants to fuck it all up or end it over a difficulty start to parenthood let him instigate it and carry through. It’s not your decision to be the one who’s the arsehole.

Normally men like this roll over when you learn to be unbending and stop engaging in their strops. They lose the power and space to always be the wronged party if you refuse to partake in the ridiculousness.

If he does end it, good riddance. Give him the space to fuck up.

Overthinker1988 · 09/08/2020 08:49

OP I feel so sad for you and your baby. This is the saddest thread I've ever read. Him thinking it's not necessary to see his sick baby in hospital every day is heartbreaking. He doesn't love the child, or you. You'll be so much happier on your own.

GennyCrabby · 09/08/2020 09:16

He is abusive. Whether he wants to, means to, or whatever the cause or reason is. Whether its you having PND, a sick baby, him being autistic (my husband was autistic BTW, and the most selfless loving wonderful man on the planet) or his starsign. None of that matters - he is abusing you, and that is not acceptable, EVER.

Part of abuse is gaslighting the victim - that's you. No wonder you can't see what we can all very clearly see. I hope we are helping you to be able to see it.

Couples counselling is NEVER recommended where there is abuse. Individual counselling for you, is.

What stood out to me in your first post is that he criticises you for visiting your newborn, very sick child in hospital daily. I can't even comprehend somebody who would say that. And as others have said, IF you had PND, he should be and have been supporting the heck out of you, not demanding an apology.

His actions are not yours to fix.

His behaviour is not yours to fix.

You have nothing to apologise for.

He has everything to apologise for, and no apology would ever be enough.

I totally disagree with the people saying you should give him a choice. The choice is yours to make. Whether your are willing to tolerate living in an anusive situation daily or whether it would be healthier for your and your child to leave him. What he thinks of any of this or you is no longer any of your concern. How he receives the news of you leaving him is no longer any of your concern.

Stop looking after him and his needs, and start looking after your own first and foremost.

Ernieshere · 09/08/2020 09:19

I love him and I just want him to love me back, like he used to

I wouldn't waste mine & DC precious life, by holding my breath.