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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My husband won't forgive me unless I apologise

539 replies

MarriageSOS · 08/08/2020 11:00

To try and cut a long story short, my husband and I have not been getting on for some time and things are getting worse. I had a difficult and I ended up giving birth very early which then resulted in a long hospital stay for our little one. We argued during this time as I was going every day and was exhausted and he didn't think it was necessary and I was bringing it on myself so he had no sympathy. I felt completely alone and was hurting, helpless and scared.

Once home we really struggled. Our baby didn't sleep and screamed constantly. We much later found out it was due to intolerances. I would be screamed at all day and felt like a complete failure and completely alone. I kept asking him to help and take the baby when he got home so I could just have 10 minutes on my own. I would happily cook dinner, just to have time off but he always said no as he didn't like baby stuff and the baby needed me not him and he'd had a hard day and just wanted to relax for a bit when he got home. This again caused arguments. I did say things like I wish he would be more of a father and help out more but he said his contribution was to provide the money and a roof over our heads not to deal with the baby stuff. We had a lot of arguments and just couldn't seem to see eye to eye on anything.

We are a year or so on and things with the baby are much better, although he still rarely looks after our child, never does bath or bed time so I can never go out or do anything on an evening. But he is still harbouring resentment from that first 6 months when according to him I was a nightmare to live with and he thinks its clear I had PND as I was so horrible to him. He says he used to drive to work hating me and not want to come home as he knew all he would get is me crying or being angry with him and he got no appreciation for how hard he was working to provide for us.

He wants an apology for how horrible I was to him and how miserable I made him but I don't know how to apologise as I don't remember being that awful but I do remember it being an awful time and crying out for him to help me and him turning his back on me and saying it was my problem to deal with. So we appear to be at an impass.

I dont know if we can recover from this unless I apologise and take all the blame for everything. I have tried saying I'm sorry that I hurt him but that I was hurting too and felt alone, but he wants more than that. He wants me to apologise and mean it with no 'buts' and fully acknowledge that it was all my fault.

AIBU? Should I just apologise and take all the blame?

OP posts:

Thedogscollar · 08/08/2020 16:47

What a disgusting, insensitive, ignorant twat of a man and I use the term man lightly. He needs to appreciate what you have been through and it should be him making an apology.
He wants nothing to do with his child saying that's your job!!
Quite frankly I couldn't live with somebody as vile as he sounds.

Bumblebee1812 · 08/08/2020 16:48

Firstly I am so sorry for what you have been through.

When you have a baby you are so vulnerable and if you do not take this on as a team it is incredibly hard. It is so difficult balancing your needs and your partners needs in the early days, but based on what you have said he has been completely selfish - not caring about your child, or you.

I am amazed that he thinks he needs an apology due to you have PND. If you think you had this you could still potentially benefit from some support to process what happened - something to think about / talk to your GP about.

In regards to his desire for an apology that is completely unreasonable and manipulative. If you see any good in him as a person (perhaps that is not in this post) I would suggest couples counselling to try to create a safe space to talk where he cannot manipulate the conversation. If he has no qualities and this is as good as it gets I would make plans to leave. Being that vulnerable emotionally is so destructive.

Best of luck with everything x

Mamadoll · 08/08/2020 16:53

What an absolute horror of a man OP. Please do yourself and your child a favour and get away from him. No dream house is worth being with someone who shows nothing but contempt for you and is stealing what should be a joyous time with your precious LO.

Tell him not to keep driving and not come back. Pathetic, utterly pathetic.

Arthersleep · 08/08/2020 16:59

Well, if he doesn't want to talk about it whilst DC is upstairs asleep, when does he want to talk about it? As for driving off.... So infantile. How about you get a relative to look after DC so that you can talk, having first explained to them that you have marriage problems. Is that what he wants? If he doesn't want to discuss it, write him a letter. When he gets back in, you swan off and leave him to give the baby her tea and read the letter. Tbh, I would then tell a close relative and take your baby away for a week so that he can mull it over. See if he's ready to change or apologize to you! Seriously, you would feel so much better out of this relationship.

PrayingandHoping · 08/08/2020 17:05

Sorry OP he is not good with your child if he refused to help u when they were a baby and even now will only tolerate having the child when they are happy and chilled.

He's a man child himself.

Please please have higher expectations

pointythings · 08/08/2020 17:05

Where you go from here is solo. You get your ducks in a row - copies of all the financials, house deeds, pensions, the lot. Then you find a SHL (Shit Hot Lawyer) and divorce the bastard. Honestly, this is one of the worst things I've read on here.

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 08/08/2020 17:08

Absolutely agree with what pointythings has said above. He sounds absolutely awful.

Please do get rid of him. I hope he stays gone having stormed off.

Failing that - ducks in a row (financials etc), shit hot lawyer, and go to court.

GrumpyHoonMain · 08/08/2020 17:17

@MarriageSOS

He is good with our child now as long as they are happy and wanting to play but if dc is upset or restless then he can't deal with that.

He has never been overly affectionate and has always had his moments of being a tool but I feel this is next level. Sometimes I won't even be spoke to! He comes in from work and talks to DC but just ignores me. So often I just walk away and do something else until I hear her shouting and him getting annoyed then I come back.

I tried talking to him but he said he didn't want to have this discussion with me when DC was asleep upstairs and tbh my whole attitude was atrocious and he cant be arsed with me and he walked out and has driven off. So I dont really know where to go from here...

Behaviour screams affair to me.

Littlemissdaredevil · 08/08/2020 17:22

WTAF he wants you to apologise whilst he was working hard doing 40 hours per week whilst your were on your knees working 168 hours per week.

Sounds of people screaming as a form of torture is used my some military so I do t know why your husbands finds it acceptable that you have to solo parent a screaming baby 24/7

Divorce him

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 08/08/2020 17:23

@pointythings is spot on. I also think this is one of the saddest things I've read on here.
He is abusive and mentally unstable. Painting himself as the victim and asking you to apologise.
Dear OH,
I apologise for needing your support whilst i was ill and needing your support.
I apologise for expecting you to do Baby Stuff and co parent your child when you have a big important company to run and I am just an demanding wife
I apologise that you are completely the victim here and have suffered terribly because we had a child together.
So you apologise to this utterly horrible abusive man.. and then what.. ?
Basically he gets your agreement that his behaviour is absolutely fine and he can carry on getting more and more awful.
The concern is that this sets the stage for his abuse to increase.
Please get real life help and don't let him know what you are doing. He sounds dangerous.

ralphi · 08/08/2020 17:28

I think you do know where to go from here....straight to a divorce lawyer.

Snaketime · 08/08/2020 17:30

Honestly OP he sounds dreadful. I remember my DH being a bit like yours when we had our first, he was working all hours and I told him I felt like a single parent, his response was that he was doing it for us, so I pointed out that it is much good if we arent here when he gets back and that I am already doing it all as a single parent, so I might as well be a single parent as at least then I would get benefits. He gave his head a wobble, he isn't perfect now but much much better. I was going to suggest you say something like that to your "D"H, but I really dont think he is worth it. Call his bluff and tell him fine you will leave then and see what he does.

DartmoorDoughnut · 08/08/2020 17:32

I can’t quite work out the voting options but YWouldBeUnreasonable if you apologise to this utterly disgusting fucking excuse for a human being

Daftodil · 08/08/2020 17:33

He didn't think it was necessary to see your baby in hospital every day?! What would he consider necessary?! I don't know a single person (including people I don't like) who wouldn't move heaven and earth to be with their vulnerable, sick, premature baby.

I could not stay with someone like this. I don't know how you are still with him a year down the line.

QueenofmyPrinces · 08/08/2020 17:36

He didn't think it was necessary to see your baby in hospital every day?! What would he consider necessary?! I don't know a single person (including people I don't like) who wouldn't move heaven and earth to be with their vulnerable, sick, premature baby. I could not stay with someone like this. I don't know how you are still with him a year down the line.

Completely agree.

What a vile, disgusting person.

ChristmasFluff · 08/08/2020 17:38

He is a selfish fucking arsehole of a man. Abusive as fuck.

Where do you go to from here? Directly to the solicitor.

I would never swear at someone I respected, but I hope you tell him to fuck off and die, because he doesn't deserve your respect.

This has made me so, so angry on your behalf.

Divorce him. Your life will be 100 per cent easier without this vile man bringing you down. And now he's gaslighting you - what a surprise!

He is inhuman, not autistic. Please, leave him

Jux · 08/08/2020 17:43

I, too, agree with pointythings. Get your ducks in a row and then go. You deserve so much better.

With an abuser, it really doesn't matter why they do it, or whether they know they're doing it; all you need to know is that they do it and you suffer as a result (and your children suffer too).

Don't go to couples counselling with him either. He will subvert everything and you will find that every word which comes out of your mouth will be used against you in one way or another. Please just get counselling for yourself, if you feel you need it (you may well, as living with an abuser has an awful effect on your psyche all round).

You can do this. You deserve to have someone in your life who hugs you and loves you and wants to make you happy - who will move heaven and earth for you, will cherish you.

Your child deserves that too.

TerracottaTortoise · 08/08/2020 17:48

For the record OP, being autistic doesn't make you an arsehole. However you can be autistic AND also be a total dick.

Leave.

PicsInRed · 08/08/2020 17:54

Behaviour screams affair to me.

That's what it was for me. Also abuse and total and utter contempt (which led to him feeling entitled to shag about).

DiscordandRhyme · 08/08/2020 18:00

He should be apologising to you for his shitty behaviour. He let you down when you needed him. He's selfish and if he was my husband I'd have cut my loss. Be easier without him.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/08/2020 18:12

And he won't want to talk in front of the child either, so where does that leave you? Sitting in silence, that's where.

You need peace and space and a helping hand. You aren't going to get it from him. The best thing would be if he would be willing to just leave for two weeks (or permanently) so you can have a good think and get your head together, even better if you have someone close to you who can come and help you with DC and the house. But they'd need to be a quiet presence so you can think. But if he won't do that, then I think you need to get away and do the same thing. I think you'll see your way clearly once you're away from him.

Do you have family? Close friends? Do they know how things are? The first thing I'd do is call my parents or my BFF and lay it out on the line. And I know the first thing they'd say is "Pack a bag, we're coming to get you".

staceyflack · 08/08/2020 18:12

Oh my god... I am raging for you! Kick him the fuck out of yours and child's space and only consider a reconsilliation if he grovels for forgiveness for being an utterly selfish pathetic excuse for a husband. Sorry if this is a shock, but it's completely true. Lots of love from mother of 2 and midwife xxx

Timekeeper2 · 08/08/2020 18:13

Did you both actually discuss how you both would parent, before you decided to have a child? Because these things can either make or break a marriage, and it seems as if you are not anywhere near the same bookshelf, let alone book, let alone page. He clearly has a misogynistic view that you will be a 1940s wife be responsible for the children and he does nothing but come home and ignore the kids.

Did he even want children? Because he doesn't seem to even want to be a father. And the way he gaslights you and makes everything about your faults, he is a lowlife pig. In fact, he appears to be a narcissistic sociopath. And I do not use that term lightly. He does NOT love you, he is a manipulative gaslighting abuser. And yes, you should show him this thread. He needs a wake up call, but what you need to do is make steps to get a divorce and get as far away from him as you can, not only for your sake, but for your child's sake. He is toxic for DC, as well as you. Don't let your child see the way he treats you and think that that's how you treat someone you are supposed to love, and the mother of your child.

Ginkypig · 08/08/2020 18:16

Stop excusing his behaviour. Autism is not a reason to treat you so terribly or to refuse to even so much as engage with you to work on the relationship.
He has refused discussions and counselling or infact anything he specifically has decided he doesn't want to do so unless you bend to his ways completely the relationship is crap and you won't get on.

My partner and his children are all autistic and sit in different places on the spectrum but all of them understand that no relationship can work without work and some type of compromise even when it's hard because their brain functions differently. They know that for a relationship to function both people in it have to take responsibility for themselves in that relationship. That's not to say that they don't need certain understanding from their partner because they obviously have certain extra needs.
If my partner behaved like yours he would be out! Just like I would be because my severe mental health issues are not an excuse to treat him like crap either!

fuckingcovid · 08/08/2020 18:18

absolutely not. Get the quackers lined up and divorce him

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