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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband won't forgive me unless I apologise

539 replies

MarriageSOS · 08/08/2020 11:00

To try and cut a long story short, my husband and I have not been getting on for some time and things are getting worse. I had a difficult and I ended up giving birth very early which then resulted in a long hospital stay for our little one. We argued during this time as I was going every day and was exhausted and he didn't think it was necessary and I was bringing it on myself so he had no sympathy. I felt completely alone and was hurting, helpless and scared.

Once home we really struggled. Our baby didn't sleep and screamed constantly. We much later found out it was due to intolerances. I would be screamed at all day and felt like a complete failure and completely alone. I kept asking him to help and take the baby when he got home so I could just have 10 minutes on my own. I would happily cook dinner, just to have time off but he always said no as he didn't like baby stuff and the baby needed me not him and he'd had a hard day and just wanted to relax for a bit when he got home. This again caused arguments. I did say things like I wish he would be more of a father and help out more but he said his contribution was to provide the money and a roof over our heads not to deal with the baby stuff. We had a lot of arguments and just couldn't seem to see eye to eye on anything.

We are a year or so on and things with the baby are much better, although he still rarely looks after our child, never does bath or bed time so I can never go out or do anything on an evening. But he is still harbouring resentment from that first 6 months when according to him I was a nightmare to live with and he thinks its clear I had PND as I was so horrible to him. He says he used to drive to work hating me and not want to come home as he knew all he would get is me crying or being angry with him and he got no appreciation for how hard he was working to provide for us.

He wants an apology for how horrible I was to him and how miserable I made him but I don't know how to apologise as I don't remember being that awful but I do remember it being an awful time and crying out for him to help me and him turning his back on me and saying it was my problem to deal with. So we appear to be at an impass.

I dont know if we can recover from this unless I apologise and take all the blame for everything. I have tried saying I'm sorry that I hurt him but that I was hurting too and felt alone, but he wants more than that. He wants me to apologise and mean it with no 'buts' and fully acknowledge that it was all my fault.

AIBU? Should I just apologise and take all the blame?

OP posts:
RednaxelasLunch · 08/08/2020 15:54

What an utter cunt.

Being autistic doesn't make someone a cunt, in case you wondered.

He's just an abusive arsehole who needs to be kicked the fuck out.

rvby · 08/08/2020 15:55

@MarriageSOS

For those asking why I am with him, ive asked myself that many times but ultimately it's because I love him and I just want him to love me back, like he used to.
Honestly? I was all set to tell you that he sounds like hes out of his depth, in a situation where he warned you he wasnt going to excel at, has shit relationship/conflict management skills and maybe if he went to counseling it might help etc...

But when this is the reason you're with him... I'm sorry but this marriage won't last. These cannot be the reasons to have a marriage. Love is never enough, especially when it's coming from one side only.

Might be best to call it a day, or at least take a good 6 months apart.

MuppetBabi · 08/08/2020 15:55

Just rtft and to be honest, I'm astounded! What a fucking arsehole!!! Absolutely fuck the man child off, you will be a million times better off!

NoMoreReluctantCustodians · 08/08/2020 16:00

He gave you no support at all when you needed him and HE.wants YOU to apologise? Fuck that shit. He should be asking for your forgiveness

Ponoka7 · 08/08/2020 16:01

"I just want him to love me back, like he used to."

Which suggests that he isn't autistic. As someone who is high functioning autistic and has a DD with Autism, who went to a SEN school and so her peers/friends have autism, what you are describing isn't autism and it's offensive that people still associate abusive behaviour with autism.

When did things change?

MumInBrussels · 08/08/2020 16:02

He wants you to apologise? Where is his apology for letting you down so badly when you needed him?

He's an utter arsehole and you shouldn't apologise, you should divorce him. You deserve better, and so does your child.

Bibijayne · 08/08/2020 16:02

Pack his bags and tell him where to go.

Bubsandco · 08/08/2020 16:03

It sounds like he resents the focus and attention being on anyone but him. So the baby is stealing his thunder, as is the OP's (bloody genuine) mental health problems. What was he like before the baby was born? Was he emotionally supportive and attentive then? Because he sounds like an entitled boy king. Where is his empathy?

OP, if it is lonelier in the marriage than just being alone...it's time to plan an exit.

marmiteonmykeyboard · 08/08/2020 16:06

I rarely post but this made me want to weep. What a desperate and sad time you must have had. I am glad things are better with LO. What a great mum you are. Please don't apologise. Please seek advice (CAB are open I believe) regarding your rights and financial support. Please think of leaving or getting him to leave. My mother often had to apologise for stuff she had "done". She had done nothing and it didn't stop my father hitting her. What you are experiencing is abuse. You and LO deserve better. Others will frame it more eloquently. Look after yourself.

canigooutyet · 08/08/2020 16:07

@Ponoka7

"I just want him to love me back, like he used to."

Which suggests that he isn't autistic. As someone who is high functioning autistic and has a DD with Autism, who went to a SEN school and so her peers/friends have autism, what you are describing isn't autism and it's offensive that people still associate abusive behaviour with autism.

When did things change?

Are you saying because he loved someone he isn't autistic?
NoMoreReluctantCustodians · 08/08/2020 16:07

I cant get over the fact that he would tell you he'd had a hard day when he got in from work? I'll bet his days at work were an absolute breeze compared to yours. And he got to clock off and relax. Where was your relaxation time?

Nanny0gg · 08/08/2020 16:10

@Ponoka7

"I just want him to love me back, like he used to."

Which suggests that he isn't autistic. As someone who is high functioning autistic and has a DD with Autism, who went to a SEN school and so her peers/friends have autism, what you are describing isn't autism and it's offensive that people still associate abusive behaviour with autism.

When did things change?

Quite.

Autistic people can be lovely or arseholes.
Just like everyone else.
It's the behaviour and attitude that matters.

As a matter of interest, how is he with the baby now? Any interest? Did he want children in the first place?

bluebella4 · 08/08/2020 16:11

Why the hell are you with this balloon?

QuestionMarkNow · 08/08/2020 16:15

I just want him to love me back, like he used to."

Which suggests that he isn't autistic

Could you explain that @Ponoka7??
Because that’s not my experience at all

PicsInRed · 08/08/2020 16:18

Requiring an apology for how mentally unwell you became as a result of his nasty neglect of you when you were already unwell with PND...its just an escalation of the already abusive behaviour towards you. It will continue to escalate and the only way forward for you, which results in a happy life, is to find a way to leave.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/08/2020 16:18

For those who have said that he is abusive though, if he is, I dont think he means to be. I have long suspected he is autistic and I think he might genuinely feel hurt by me. The thought of hurting him more by telling him he isnt good enough and everything he has done means nothing, breaks my heart.

Can people be unintentionally abusive or am I totally blind and its part of it?

Does it really matter? Abuse is abuse, whether the person intends it or not. And whether it's intentional or 'otherwise' it doesn't mean that someone has to accept being abused.

If you were standing next to a person with an arm spasm that meant they were continually punching you in the face would you just stand there and take it because 'they can't help it' or would you move away?

Ellie56 · 08/08/2020 16:22

That sounds like an excellent resolution OP.

Good luck. Flowers

Abhannmor · 08/08/2020 16:24

Man here. He was an is being totally unreasonable. Of course he is knackered after work and would like to flop. But taking the baby for a stroll is not that hard. As for refusing to help with nappies or feeding...ugh just eff off. I remember my own dad changing nappies. That wasnt yesterday ...they had to be washed. He owes you an apology.

Oly4 · 08/08/2020 16:26

I agree he’s a piece of shit - a useless husband and father. And abusive. You know you should leave him.. be brave

queenofknives · 08/08/2020 16:30

@MarriageSOS

Thank you so much for all your replies! Im astounded by how unanimous they all are tbh. I thought that I would be told that having a baby isn't an excuse to be horrible and to swallow my pride and go apologise! It has definitely given me a lot to think about.

For those who have said that he is abusive though, if he is, I dont think he means to be. I have long suspected he is autistic and I think he might genuinely feel hurt by me. The thought of hurting him more by telling him he isnt good enough and everything he has done means nothing, breaks my heart.

Can people be unintentionally abusive or am I totally blind and its part of it?

He sounds like a narcissist/sociopath. This is what they do. Start off with love bombing, make you feel they are the most amazing man ever and you're so lucky to have met the one. Then when they have drawn you in, start treating you like shit. When you complain, they blame and threaten you. They make you believe that it's your fault they don't treat you well or show you love. So you try harder and harder to meet their demands. Until there is nothing left of your self esteem or courage.

Of course I could be wrong but this is what he sounds like to me.

Can you look up the freedom programme resources "living with the dominator" and see if it rings any bells for you.

There is also a great book by lundy Bancroft called "why does he do that" which might help you get some clarity.

HerewardTheWoke · 08/08/2020 16:38

OP, the chances of him recognising his behaviour and changing and "loving you back" are very slim I am afraid. Situations like having a prem baby are when partners show what they are really made of, and unfortunately now you know what he is really like. I expect that the period when you felt it was a good relationship was a time when everything was just the way he wanted it and you weren't making any emotional demands of him.

I think you have to ask yourself if this is really good enough for you and your child. I would not want someone who turns nasty when things are tough, irrespective of anything they bring to the partnership financially.

On the other hand, you could eventually be with someone else who you love and who loves you back without all of this drama. Don't you think it would be better for your child to see a healthy supportive relationship rather than this?

Original poster
MarriageSOS · 08/08/2020 16:40

He is good with our child now as long as they are happy and wanting to play but if dc is upset or restless then he can't deal with that.

He has never been overly affectionate and has always had his moments of being a tool but I feel this is next level. Sometimes I won't even be spoke to! He comes in from work and talks to DC but just ignores me. So often I just walk away and do something else until I hear her shouting and him getting annoyed then I come back.

I tried talking to him but he said he didn't want to have this discussion with me when DC was asleep upstairs and tbh my whole attitude was atrocious and he cant be arsed with me and he walked out and has driven off. So I dont really know where to go from here...

OP posts:
RogersVideo · 08/08/2020 16:40

Oh OP he sounds awful.

I had depression after both my children, and the first time round especially I was awful to my husband. He would say something slightly wrong and I wouldn't speak to him for 2 days. I had sudden, drastic changes in mood and at one point announced I was leaving for a few days, grabbed the baby and left. He wasn't sure I was coming back.

But I was clearly unwell. So when he was home, he had the baby. He made all meals, did the laundry, tried his best to help. I did apologise once I got better, but he said it wasn't my fault and he knew it wasn't me.

Your husband sounds like he has no empathy regarding what you went through, and isn't much of a partner at all. Take care of yourself OP.

Purpleartichoke · 08/08/2020 16:44

I don’t know that I could ever look at my husband the same way if we had a newborn in the hospital and he didn’t spend every possible minute visiting.

You don’t need to apologize, he does. An apology in words and action, showing devotion to his child and support to you as a mother.

Aneley · 08/08/2020 16:46

@MarriageSOS

He is good with our child now as long as they are happy and wanting to play but if dc is upset or restless then he can't deal with that.

He has never been overly affectionate and has always had his moments of being a tool but I feel this is next level. Sometimes I won't even be spoke to! He comes in from work and talks to DC but just ignores me. So often I just walk away and do something else until I hear her shouting and him getting annoyed then I come back.

I tried talking to him but he said he didn't want to have this discussion with me when DC was asleep upstairs and tbh my whole attitude was atrocious and he cant be arsed with me and he walked out and has driven off. So I dont really know where to go from here...

To your parents or friend's house?