My husband won't forgive me unless I apologise

[MarriageSOS]

To try and cut a long story short, my husband and I have not been getting on for some time and things are getting worse. I had a difficult and I ended up giving birth very early which then resulted in a long hospital stay for our little one. We argued during this time as I was going every day and was exhausted and he didn't think it was necessary and I was bringing it on myself so he had no sympathy. I felt completely alone and was hurting, helpless and scared.

Once home we really struggled. Our baby didn't sleep and screamed constantly. We much later found out it was due to intolerances. I would be screamed at all day and felt like a complete failure and completely alone. I kept asking him to help and take the baby when he got home so I could just have 10 minutes on my own. I would happily cook dinner, just to have time off but he always said no as he didn't like baby stuff and the baby needed me not him and he'd had a hard day and just wanted to relax for a bit when he got home. This again caused arguments. I did say things like I wish he would be more of a father and help out more but he said his contribution was to provide the money and a roof over our heads not to deal with the baby stuff. We had a lot of arguments and just couldn't seem to see eye to eye on anything.

We are a year or so on and things with the baby are much better, although he still rarely looks after our child, never does bath or bed time so I can never go out or do anything on an evening. But he is still harbouring resentment from that first 6 months when according to him I was a nightmare to live with and he thinks its clear I had PND as I was so horrible to him. He says he used to drive to work hating me and not want to come home as he knew all he would get is me crying or being angry with him and he got no appreciation for how hard he was working to provide for us.

He wants an apology for how horrible I was to him and how miserable I made him but I don't know how to apologise as I don't remember being that awful but I do remember it being an awful time and crying out for him to help me and him turning his back on me and saying it was my problem to deal with. So we appear to be at an impass.

I dont know if we can recover from this unless I apologise and take all the blame for everything. I have tried saying I'm sorry that I hurt him but that I was hurting too and felt alone, but he wants more than that. He wants me to apologise and mean it with no 'buts' and fully acknowledge that it was all my fault.

AIBU? Should I just apologise and take all the blame?

Thank you so much for all your replies! Im astounded by how unanimous they all are tbh. I thought that I would be told that having a baby isn't an excuse to be horrible and to swallow my pride and go apologise! It has definitely given me a lot to think about.

For those who have said that he is abusive though, if he is, I dont think he means to be. I have long suspected he is autistic and I think he might genuinely feel hurt by me. The thought of hurting him more by telling him he isnt good enough and everything he has done means nothing, breaks my heart.

Can people be unintentionally abusive or am I totally blind and its part of it?

You are married to a horrible arsehole who doesn't care for your child.
You don't have to be. Leave.

@MarriageSOS

But what if I was that horrible to him and I just don't remember because I was tired and emotionally drained and was lashing out? He was very good at providing. He ran a company, did the majority of shopping and cooking and helped with cleaning. I know he did a lot more than what a lot of men do (he reminds me of this quite a lot).

So he wants a medal for doing a lot more than even more useless men do? What you describe isn't even the bare minimum I'd expect from a partner when we had a newborn (or at any other time)

For those asking why I am with him, ive asked myself that many times but ultimately it's because I love him and I just want him to love me back, like he used to.

@YetAnotherSpartacus

Tell him to shove his two-inch prick down a meat-mincer.

Yes Yes and Yes! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Do you want your child to grow up with a father who doesn’t love them and won’t lift a finger to help them? A father who won’t even visit them in hospital when they’re ill? A father who treats his child’s mother with callousness and contempt?

Your H might have paid for a lovely house, but it will never be a lovely home - unless he leaves. If I were you, I’d see a solicitor and work out a plan for a new life without your H.

Oh and I'm not going to show him this thread but I am going to use so of the content. (Possibly not the bit about putting his 2 inch cock in a meat grinder...unlesd the conversation goes downhill...) Im basically going to give him a choice. Realise that he he wasnt there when I needed him, he let me down and he let our child down and that his actions and words added to, if not created, the issue and maybe we can move forward with extensive couples counselling or he can continue his narrative that I'm a terrible person and its all my fault to the back of my car as I drive away.

@MarriageSOS

Thank you so much for all your replies! Im astounded by how unanimous they all are tbh. I thought that I would be told that having a baby isn't an excuse to be horrible and to swallow my pride and go apologise! It has definitely given me a lot to think about.

For those who have said that he is abusive though, if he is, I dont think he means to be. I have long suspected he is autistic and I think he might genuinely feel hurt by me. The thought of hurting him more by telling him he isnt good enough and everything he has done means nothing, breaks my heart.

Can people be unintentionally abusive or am I totally blind and its part of it?

Hmmm. My ex is autistic. All I would say to you, is he so incalcitrant & cruel (intentionally or otherwise ) to others in his life? Does he rush to the help of pals, his family, is he kind & supportive to anyone? Does he care when friends have life issues. If the answer is yes- then you have your answer, it's you he's mistreating & probably gaslighting.

If he doesn't do these things then he could just have very little or even zero empathy. You have to decide if you think that's an ok life to lead for you and your child.
Either way fwiw I would leave. I did & thank god for that.

He is holding a grudge and punishing you, It's as simple as that.

Even if you apologised fully I suspect he would then use it as a stick to beat you with, "see you are being horrible again, just like last time".

I don't think he is autistic, more likely unable to empathise and love someone despite their faults. How was he at the start of your relationship?

@MarriageSOS

For those asking why I am with him, ive asked myself that many times but ultimately it's because I love him and I just want him to love me back, like he used to.

If he had the ability to love you then, then why can't he now? Autism doesn't make people act like abusive assholes.

Also because that situation is shit and you had no help from him during a really traumatic time in your life.

Cross-posted. OP, when things got tough, your H showed you who he really was. An arsehole.

Please don’t chase after someone who never really existed. Ultimately, it doesn’t really matter if he ever loved you or not. His “love” isn’t worth much.

Oh, OP, you poor, poor thing.

You have had the most horrible time.

A dream house is no use at all if you live a nightmare life.

He blamed you for visiting your premature baby in hospital and said it wasn’t necessary?

He didn’t have to be ‘into baby stuff’ to have kindness for his wife!!!!

The all ordinaries nothing demand that you make an unconditional apology for stuff that didn’t happen and / or wasn’t your fault is abusive emotional bullying and control.

Your resolve is good. Try talking... but have your key in the ignition.

@MarriageSOS I’m sorry sweetheart, I really am. But your husband is emotionally abusive. He is a terrible husband and a useless father. His behaviour over the last year is more than enough reason for you to separate but his demand for an apology is beyond revolting.

You have nothing to apologise for, nothing, zero, zilch. Nothing. Yes you sometimes get angry, frustrated, sad because you are tired, stressed, miserable, possible clinically depressed. You have nothing to apologise for.

On the other hand your husband could have helped and instead stood back and judged; he should be ashamed of himself. Not only is he a useless parent and husband, he’s a total failure as a human being. I really hope you find the strength to leave him. In the meantime, please be kind to yourself.

And do not apologise. Please.

@tabulahrasa

Honestly? I’d tell him to fuck off... and mean it.

^

This, in a nutshell.

What an arsehole! Having a baby is really tough on a mum/ couple. Having a very prem baby with no support from your partner must have been absolute hell. He hasn’t changed a year down the line and isn’t helping you even now that things have become easier with your little one. He hasn’t going to change. I’m sorry

"MarriageSOS
But what if I was that horrible to him and I just don't remember because I was tired and emotionally drained and was lashing out? He was very good at providing. He ran a company, did the majority of shopping and cooking and helped with cleaning. I know he did a lot more than what a lot of men do (he reminds me of this quite a lot).
So he wants a medal for doing a lot more than even more useless men do? What you describe isn't even the bare minimum I'd expect from a partner when we had a newborn (or at any other time)"

Agree with this reply

He does NOT do more that what a lot of men do! Not by a very very long stretch!

He is trying to tell u and convince u of that. It's not at all true!

Oh god @MarriageSOS the bit about him possibly being autistic. I had exactly the same thoughts. At the end of the day though, being depressed/autistic/having Other issues, doesn't change the fact that he's behaving like an absolute arse. I really put myself through it, trying to work out WHY he was being like he wa, could he help it? Did he realise? Ultimately, it doesn't matter, whatever the relationship,, it killed our marriage. He had a brief moment of accepting his part but now is back to your husbands dialogue.

I went to relate, alone. It really helped, highly recommend.

@MarriageSOS

Thank you so much for all your replies! Im astounded by how unanimous they all are tbh. I thought that I would be told that having a baby isn't an excuse to be horrible and to swallow my pride and go apologise! It has definitely given me a lot to think about.

For those who have said that he is abusive though, if he is, I dont think he means to be. I have long suspected he is autistic and I think he might genuinely feel hurt by me. The thought of hurting him more by telling him he isnt good enough and everything he has done means nothing, breaks my heart.

Can people be unintentionally abusive or am I totally blind and its part of it?

Oh @MarriageSOS, I have one of those (and a dc like that too). The inability to put themselves in someone else shoes is staggering.

HOWEVER, this does NOT mean you have to put up with it. I thought I had to make all the effort and excuse every single of his ‘misunderstandings’ and ‘selfishness’. I know, after many years of hurt, know better than that.
Being understanding is one thing. But it doesn’t mean you become a carpet that he can rub his feet on.

Of course people can be unintentionally abusive. Whether they’re doing it maliciously or not doesn’t really matter because the end result is the same. He sound absolutely horrendous and yes, abusive. All he’s thinking about is himself and he’s seemingly succeeded in making you question yourself and feel guilty for the unforgivable crime of.... wanting and needing his support. That’s gaslighting. Whether he’s autistic or not is also neither here nor there because it’s still abusive behaviour.

Ok, assume he is autistic or something along those lines. The interesting thing will be if you apologise for what you did that upset him then sit back and see if he forgives you and starts being decent. If he was genuinely hurt.If not then it's all bullshit.

Btw, yes it does feel abusive and hurtful. Whilst at the same time, they are NOT abusive but completely oblivious.

Making the difference between the two is hard.
Realising someone can be hurtful wo meaning to is hard too. The danger is to then giving so much leeway that we allow ourselves to get repeatidily get hurt :(

@tabulahrasa

Honestly? I’d tell him to fuck off... and mean it.

This 100% what a selfish man.

When I had our first dc I exclusively breast fed and was a sahm. My dh didn’t have to get up in the night but he always did so that he could settle the baby for me and I could get back to sleep quicker.
He wanted to bond with his child and he wanted to care for me.
And he still had to get up for work in the morning.
That’s what good, caring husbands do.
Your dh sounds like a really nasty man child who needs to grow up.

All he’s thinking about is himself and he’s seemingly succeeded in making you question yourself and feel guilty for the unforgivable crime of.... wanting and needing his support. That’s gaslighting

I disagree with that. Being hurtful because one is abusive is one thing.
Being hurtful because of autism is another.
Conflating both and talking about gaslighting doesn’t help because the autistic person is not rewriting history. This really the way they have seen and lived things. And they genuinely haven’t even registered that the other person might well not have lived things the same way.

The out ome is also different imo.
I’m not sure I would be willing to make an effort/go to counselling with an abuser.
Whereas someone who is in the spectrum and ready to accept they are (and therefore ready to make an effort to understand, change their pOV etc... which can be MASSIVE for them), then I would be willing to try.