My husband won't forgive me unless I apologise

[MarriageSOS]

To try and cut a long story short, my husband and I have not been getting on for some time and things are getting worse. I had a difficult and I ended up giving birth very early which then resulted in a long hospital stay for our little one. We argued during this time as I was going every day and was exhausted and he didn't think it was necessary and I was bringing it on myself so he had no sympathy. I felt completely alone and was hurting, helpless and scared.

Once home we really struggled. Our baby didn't sleep and screamed constantly. We much later found out it was due to intolerances. I would be screamed at all day and felt like a complete failure and completely alone. I kept asking him to help and take the baby when he got home so I could just have 10 minutes on my own. I would happily cook dinner, just to have time off but he always said no as he didn't like baby stuff and the baby needed me not him and he'd had a hard day and just wanted to relax for a bit when he got home. This again caused arguments. I did say things like I wish he would be more of a father and help out more but he said his contribution was to provide the money and a roof over our heads not to deal with the baby stuff. We had a lot of arguments and just couldn't seem to see eye to eye on anything.

We are a year or so on and things with the baby are much better, although he still rarely looks after our child, never does bath or bed time so I can never go out or do anything on an evening. But he is still harbouring resentment from that first 6 months when according to him I was a nightmare to live with and he thinks its clear I had PND as I was so horrible to him. He says he used to drive to work hating me and not want to come home as he knew all he would get is me crying or being angry with him and he got no appreciation for how hard he was working to provide for us.

He wants an apology for how horrible I was to him and how miserable I made him but I don't know how to apologise as I don't remember being that awful but I do remember it being an awful time and crying out for him to help me and him turning his back on me and saying it was my problem to deal with. So we appear to be at an impass.

I dont know if we can recover from this unless I apologise and take all the blame for everything. I have tried saying I'm sorry that I hurt him but that I was hurting too and felt alone, but he wants more than that. He wants me to apologise and mean it with no 'buts' and fully acknowledge that it was all my fault.

AIBU? Should I just apologise and take all the blame?

I usually tell people that it's often the best thing to do to be the first to apologise and break the impasse. On this occasion, I think that a letter would be the best approach. I would start with 'I am so sorry that I was unkind to you. I am sorry that, due to motherly love and fear, I spent so much time at the hospital when DC was unwell and tiny. I am sorry that I wasn't there for you with a smile on my face to great you when you returned from work everyday. Especially as all I had done was 'baby stuff'. I am sorry that I offended you by asking that you help when you had clearly had a busy and stressful day at work. I am sorry that I made you hate me. That was all my fault. Here is the apology that you so desperately wanted. Feel free to frame it. You can hang it up in your new flat. Your suitcases are by the door. Now fuck the fuck off. I'm leaving you!!

I kept asking him to help

Here is your first problem. He isn't "helping" when he takes care of a child or does a bit of cleaning. And bluntly, I don't for one minute believe ethat he does "more than most men" although he may keep battering that lie home.

I've also run a company and would echo it being a damned sight easier to wrangle clients and staff than a difficult baby after a traumatic few months.

He has spent the last year demonstrating why he is an awful husband and father, he has no interest in changing even enough to attend couples counseling.

Your 'dream house" is a gilded cage for a miserable existence, run entirely on his terms.
Start planning for life as single parent. It may have a smaller garden or less bathrooms but it is at least a life.

Arther that’s cringey af. All that’s needed is the final two sentences.

Honestly? I’d tell him to fuck off... and mean it

He's a nasty cnut and you and your DC deserve far better.

I'm going to set aside the issue of the apology (you don't owe one) to focus on what he said. He was at least honest and told you he wasn't going to deal with the 'baby stuff' and it looks like he's just doing what he said he'd do.

I know someone who went ahead and had a baby when her husband made it clear that he didn't want a child. He told her that if she had the child that ALL the child related 'stuff' would be her responsibility. And it was. He wouldn't lift a finger to help, even with the littlest thing. And it wasn't just 'baby stuff', it continued into toddlerhood. We shared a childminder since our DC were babies and to my knowledge not ONCE did he ever drop the child off/pick her up or do anything to help out. He wouldn't even go to the shop on the way home from work to pick something up. Hell, he wouldn't even pour his own child a cup of juice, but would call her from whatever she was doing. His constant refrain was "you wanted her, I told you how it would be". Their marriage lasted until the child was about 2 then the mother just couldn't take it anymore and left. She said it was so much easier on her own. She also said that one of the main reasons she left was that the child was beginning to 'feel' her father's neglect and she realized how damaging it would be in the long run for her. We lost contact later as our children went to different pre-schools, but I often wonder how the child turned out.

I think you need to think very carefully about the situation you are in and the potential ramifications not just for you, but for your child. The woman I knew was certain sure that once the baby was here her ex would become a doting father. I know that happens sometimes, but it doesn't always happen.

Honestly? I’d tell him to fuck off... and mean it.

Yep. And LTB. What an unbelievably disgusting prick of a man. I'm so sorry you ever even met him OP.

Nah, throw away the whole husband.

He married you knowing you definitely absolutely wanted children.

There is a massive difference between being uncomfortable and not good at 'baby stuff' and 'being a massive thoughtless cruel cuntbag'... he is very much the latter, not the former.

He's also a total cunt for saying that he's not very good at all the baby stuff! Most people aren't until they have a baby and then get hands on and practice. How does he think other men know what to do? The fact that he still uses this as an excuse shows that he is a shit father. The fact that he even refers to 'baby stuff' rather than his own child speaks volumes!

You dont need couples counselling, you need a shit hot divorce lawyer. And the only one you need to be apologising to is your baby, for landing them with a complete shit for a father

@GarlicMcAtackney

It was meant to be quite obviously sarcastic!

OP, I know it's very hard to accept the truth, and it might take a while for it to sink in,but you really need to take advantage of the UNANIMOUS perspective and opinion that's being provided here. People are genuinely shocked and horrified at what he's doing to you. It really isn't about he said/she said and who's to blame. You're minimising his awful behaviour, which isn't normal or healthy, as a parent and a partner. You really need to understand this and process it.

It's irrelevant how hard he works and the home this has provided. His insistence that you need to be reminded of this, and submit to his demand for an apology, is part of his controlling behaviour. Find some support, and find a way out if this relationship.

@YetAnotherSpartacus

Tell him to shove his two-inch prick down a meat-mincer.

I know I'm totally missing it point of the thread, but this is Literally the best 'I'm leaving you' line I've ever heard!

I will store this for future reference.

Do not show him this thread. It will not end well for you.

He told you he'd be a hands off hands on dad. You ignored it. So either accept it and stay or move out and accept you'll be a full time single mum. He is not a good husband and is not a good dad. Are you a good woman and role model or not. If you are, leave to show your child yours and their worth.

No, he didn't do more than what most men do. I had a bad delivery and spent time in ICU (it was touch and go for 48h for me, baby was fine). When we came home, my DH did EVERYTHING but breastfeeding (obviously) on his own. I spent first 2 weeks in bed and he'd just bring baby to me for feeding and cuddles leaving me to recover at my own pace. Thanks to his 100% support I was able to recover relatively quickly but he never stopped doing things for our DD in spite of going back to work. Real men don't HELP with the baby, they TAKE CARE of the baby because its their child too.

Your DH did diddly squat. Working and providing is elementary adulting. Wouldn't he be doing the same if the baby wasn't there? Or if you had some kind of health issue?

I just keep thinking about that poor little baby whose father shows zero interest in. If it were me - I'd leave him.

I read the OP- and cut to the end.

Get your finances in order and leave.

You will never find happiness with a cunt like that.

I've read all your updates. your husband sounds awful. Money isn't the be all and end all, you need basic human interaction, kindness, friendship, supportive relationships etc. Many couples manage to successfully support each together when one is working and the other is staying home to raise a child. He sounds incredibly selfish and is failing miserably as a husband and a father.

You had a hard time and he wasn't there for you. You deserve better. Big hugs.

Send the answer on a post card with a great big Fuck You.
I am really annoyed on your behalf too. I didn't read past the first 4 posts. What an absolute arsehole.

It's almost like he was pressurised to donate his sperm, which is all he's done.
you could have got a stranger to do this and had none of the hassle.
I'd apologise all right "sorry i managed to land such a useless prick"

This is no way for your child to be raised, you need to put him first and leave the useless one.

Don't have too much more to add other than he sounds like a complete arsehole and it sounds unlikely you will be able to rescue this relationship.

Don't do anything rash, but I'd meet with a solicitor and understand your rights before finishing with him.

This is the saddest thread I've read for a long while. Have another LTB from me.

He believes you had PND....and he wants you to apologise for that?
Or for not coping with a poorly premie? Or perhaps he wants you to apologise for both.

What an awful man.

@malificent7

Well you may have your dream house but you do not have your dream husband. Which is more important op?

This with massive bells on!

OP, my apologies if I am wrong but is your DH from a culture where the women are expected to do everything concerning keeping house/raising dc etc.?

If he is this is still appalling behaviour from him; if not then he is even worse.

Your "Dream house" is rapidly turning into a luxury prison ran by a controlling misogynist lacking any love or concern for your dc. He's also a lousy role model!

Get out now!

I can't get past the fact he had a go at you for going to see your baby at the hospital every day 😞

Do not apologise, your husband sounds like a selfish man child making it all about him.

Why are you even with him OP?