My husband won't forgive me unless I apologise

[MarriageSOS]

To try and cut a long story short, my husband and I have not been getting on for some time and things are getting worse. I had a difficult and I ended up giving birth very early which then resulted in a long hospital stay for our little one. We argued during this time as I was going every day and was exhausted and he didn't think it was necessary and I was bringing it on myself so he had no sympathy. I felt completely alone and was hurting, helpless and scared.

Once home we really struggled. Our baby didn't sleep and screamed constantly. We much later found out it was due to intolerances. I would be screamed at all day and felt like a complete failure and completely alone. I kept asking him to help and take the baby when he got home so I could just have 10 minutes on my own. I would happily cook dinner, just to have time off but he always said no as he didn't like baby stuff and the baby needed me not him and he'd had a hard day and just wanted to relax for a bit when he got home. This again caused arguments. I did say things like I wish he would be more of a father and help out more but he said his contribution was to provide the money and a roof over our heads not to deal with the baby stuff. We had a lot of arguments and just couldn't seem to see eye to eye on anything.

We are a year or so on and things with the baby are much better, although he still rarely looks after our child, never does bath or bed time so I can never go out or do anything on an evening. But he is still harbouring resentment from that first 6 months when according to him I was a nightmare to live with and he thinks its clear I had PND as I was so horrible to him. He says he used to drive to work hating me and not want to come home as he knew all he would get is me crying or being angry with him and he got no appreciation for how hard he was working to provide for us.

He wants an apology for how horrible I was to him and how miserable I made him but I don't know how to apologise as I don't remember being that awful but I do remember it being an awful time and crying out for him to help me and him turning his back on me and saying it was my problem to deal with. So we appear to be at an impass.

I dont know if we can recover from this unless I apologise and take all the blame for everything. I have tried saying I'm sorry that I hurt him but that I was hurting too and felt alone, but he wants more than that. He wants me to apologise and mean it with no 'buts' and fully acknowledge that it was all my fault.

AIBU? Should I just apologise and take all the blame?

He doesn't like you. It's as simple as that.

I'm afraid I ran out of sympathy for him in your first post, as soon as you said he argued with you for going to see your premature newborn every day.

Why are you putting up with this when you could choose to find a man who likes you and is nice to you?

Pleas read these comments OP and let them build you up and rebuild your strength. You have no reason to stay with someone who is lazy, rude and a piece of shit. He hasn't supported you, hasn't had your priorities as his own and hasn't stepped up when you needed him to.

Get out. Find some freedom, enjoy your life and eventually you'll look back and realise you had NOTHING to apologise for. He's a cunt. Cunts never want to accept responsibility for their own cunty ways; they want to deflect it onto everyone else, which is what he's doing with his "you did x, y and z to upset me" behaviour. A man who has your back doesn't behave that way, least of all if he truly believes you have PND.

You sound lovely. You'll find your own path, you'll find your own peace. Neither of things will happen by staying with someone who drains you and removes your happiness.

I would leave.

He doesn't want to be a parent. Your child will come to realise this.

You will never truly forgive him for his behaviour. And you shouldn't.

He is selfish and puts his own needs first.

Anyone who could watch someone struggling and not try to make their life easier is not a partner. Christ, you would help a stranger if you knew they were exhausted and just needed someone to hold their baby for 10 minutes.

@YetAnotherSpartacus

Tell him to shove his two-inch prick down a meat-mincer.

Spot on

Sweetie, you and your baby deserve better than this. Make plans to leave. Please.

I really hope you can see that you and your baby deserve better.

He sounds evil.

Leave that fucker. Your life will be exponentially better.

You have my sincere sympathies OP. For being married to such a prize twat.

He sounds vile.

What next? Will the baby have to apologise for being 'difficult' for 6 months?

On the plus side at least when he threatens to go for 'full custody' of the child if you leave him then you know what an empty threat it is.

This man sounds truly horrific. It sounds to me as if you would be better off leaving - maybe he can apologise when he realises he has been a massive piece of shit and no longer has a wife...

Op, you have nothing to apologise for.

I've been there. H working long hours thinking that was all he had to do was provide a roof and food .

I remember having crushing PND and he said if I couldn't cope then I needed to look for a babysitter I felt so scared and exhausted I didn't want to tell him that I couldn't open my lap top as voices kept coming out of it telling me I was a rubbish mother ( I was v poorly).

To ' do his bit' he gave DS a late evening bottle and not only did he want a knighthood , he boasted to his mother about it who told me ' I shouldn't ask him as it's "women's work"

Divorce proceedings are in progress as I will never forgive him .

What a dick! A father is not just a financial contribution. Every night when my husband gets home from work he helps with bottle bath and bed. He also givens be a half an hour sit down and chill while he plays with bubs. Tell him he needs to say sorry to you for his old fashioned views and not helping you.

As a mum who’s had a premature baby, and spent 6 weeks, all day every day at my babies side, you are definitely not BU! You absolutely should not apologise for being a devoted mum! Jesus what a dick!
He sounds resentful and almost jealous of the baby, because he was getting no attention from you.
My DH was a rock to the whole family and after I left the baby in the day, he went up to the hospital and sat with the baby for 3 hours, even though he’s been in work all day.
I hate this expression on MN, but you absolutely need to LTB! He sounds like a total prick!

OP, I haven't read the thread but from the first ten or so responses I looked at, they're in agreement with me.

This man can be the best business person in the world and fair enough, he earns money which has paid for your house. But at what cost to you? He doesn't support you when you need it, and he tries to make out to you that you're the problem. He doesn't seem to like you, let alone love you.

The most important thing I can think of to say to you is that you need to leave before your child suffers even more than he/ she already has. At present, your child has a father who is at absolute best emotionally absent. That will mess up a child like nothing else. What happens when your little one is two and they want hugs from Daddy? Or when they're three and want a Daddy bedtime story? You can't just decide that you're not going to interact with an actual child because they don't interest you.

If you don't have your own finances or support from family, seek help from women's aid. This certainly sounds like an abusive relationship to me, and one you need to leave ASAP. (Needless to say, you'll be able to claim child maintenance from him too).

Do you really think it's safe to show him this thread, btw? There is no way he's going to say shit, you know what, I was wrong and all these posters are completely wrong. Let me turn into a decent human and father.

Just make arrangements to leave as soon as you can. Things aren't going to improve. You've tried counselling and it achieved nothing.

Best of luck. And rest assured, you have done absolutely nothing wrong.

I stopped reading when he said he thought it was unnecessary that you visited your premature baby every day.

Good lord.

I dont know if we can recover from this unless I apologise and take all the blame for everything

In the nicest possible way, why would you want to recover this relationship? It sounds awful! I very rarely say this on MN, but I think it would be far healthier for your child if you walked away from the relationship now.

@MarriageSOS

Sorry i should have said before, he says that before we got pregnant he put his cards on the table and said he wasn't very good with baby stuff and that if it was what I wanted he would go along with it but he wasn't interested in all the 'baby' stuff. He brings this up constantly and repeatedly. We did discus children before getting married and he seemed on board, knew it was what I wanted and how important it was to me, but then after we were married he changed his mind. I was probably stupid to think that he would be more involved when he said he wouldn't be. We were trying for about a year and i was so excited that I possibly didn't fully take into consideration his feelings.

From this it sounds like he pretended to want children so that you’d marry him. I think he’s a liar and an arsehole, who’s been manipulating you since before you were married.

How about asking him why he lied to you about wanting children so you’d marry him. Then tell him you want an apology otherwise you can’t get past it.

Then regardless of what he says, tell him you can’t get past him not wanting to be with you and your vulnerable baby when they were in hospital. And that no apology can justify his behaviour.

We argued during this time as I was going every day and was exhausted and he didn't think it was necessary and I was bringing it on myself so he had no sympathy

What grade A cunt btw. My husband worked 12 hour shifts and our visiting times only allowed for him to see our baby for half an hour before close. And he travelled miles every night from work to hospital just for those 30 mins.

How can this shitbag of your OH call himself a dad.

That’s ENOUGH to leave him.

Omg! I can’t believe what I’ve just read.

From someone who also had PND. Reading your post made me feel so sad. I struggled and cried every day for 8 months (till I was diagnosed and received help). I was mean to my DH and said some horrid things. But, he knew I needed love and support.

He wouldn’t dream of asking or expecting an apology. He used to do a 12 hour day and come home and do the housework, bath/feed our son because I hadn’t been able to function properly. Marriage is about supporting each other.

I’m not suggesting you LTB, but there is no way that I could stay married to a man like you’ve described. My dh helped with my recovery, love and affection. Yours isn’t. You deserve to be happy OP.

I think you'd be much happier without him? Apologise to him for staying in the marriage this long, and walk off to freedom and the end of tiptoeing and fear.

I think you have paid a very heavy price. You got what you wanted but it's destroyed your marriage. You got what everyone hopes for so you didn't do anything wrong per se.

If he had been a lot more up front I doubt you'd have married him. And no doubt he knew that.

I think divorce is your only way forward as he will beat you with every metaphorical stick he can for ever.

It'll be a miserable life for your child too.

Your life will be so much more fun and so much less stressful once you leave this odious shit.

OMG OP

You did an absolutely amazing job to struggle through that time giving your tiny baby what they needs, lots of love, care and attention, without even having the desperately needed support of your selfish H.

You may well have had PND, that would not be at all surprising in the circumstances - and yet on you went. Like a loving, responsible parent does. This man tried to train you to believe you should do it all on your own while serving his needs too, and then tried to DEMAND AN APOLOGY! I'm glad you questioned that and came on here to ask what people think - and I hope you can see that you were not even slightly in the wrong, and that he is a nasty, nasty piece of work who you don't need.

It's not your fault, it's not your baby's fault. The fault is all with him and I don't think him apologising to you would be enough - because I don't think he'll change. Even if he did, I couldn't get past what he's done.

I have a male friend who had a non-stop screaming baby. The baby wouldn't even sleep unless lying on someone. He and his partner were exhausted and he was going out to work to bring in money. But he still sat up half the night holding the baby, so that the baby could sleep, and his partner could get some sleep so that she could manage the next day. He still took over as soon as he got home so that she could have a rest. Because he loves and cares about both of them.

You didn't have that - I hope you know how strong you are, and you can do anything.

Sorry I haven't read the thread yet but I feel so mad for you. What an absolute wanker your husband is. Bloody hell get rid tell him to fuck off