My husband won't forgive me unless I apologise

[MarriageSOS]

To try and cut a long story short, my husband and I have not been getting on for some time and things are getting worse. I had a difficult and I ended up giving birth very early which then resulted in a long hospital stay for our little one. We argued during this time as I was going every day and was exhausted and he didn't think it was necessary and I was bringing it on myself so he had no sympathy. I felt completely alone and was hurting, helpless and scared.

Once home we really struggled. Our baby didn't sleep and screamed constantly. We much later found out it was due to intolerances. I would be screamed at all day and felt like a complete failure and completely alone. I kept asking him to help and take the baby when he got home so I could just have 10 minutes on my own. I would happily cook dinner, just to have time off but he always said no as he didn't like baby stuff and the baby needed me not him and he'd had a hard day and just wanted to relax for a bit when he got home. This again caused arguments. I did say things like I wish he would be more of a father and help out more but he said his contribution was to provide the money and a roof over our heads not to deal with the baby stuff. We had a lot of arguments and just couldn't seem to see eye to eye on anything.

We are a year or so on and things with the baby are much better, although he still rarely looks after our child, never does bath or bed time so I can never go out or do anything on an evening. But he is still harbouring resentment from that first 6 months when according to him I was a nightmare to live with and he thinks its clear I had PND as I was so horrible to him. He says he used to drive to work hating me and not want to come home as he knew all he would get is me crying or being angry with him and he got no appreciation for how hard he was working to provide for us.

He wants an apology for how horrible I was to him and how miserable I made him but I don't know how to apologise as I don't remember being that awful but I do remember it being an awful time and crying out for him to help me and him turning his back on me and saying it was my problem to deal with. So we appear to be at an impass.

I dont know if we can recover from this unless I apologise and take all the blame for everything. I have tried saying I'm sorry that I hurt him but that I was hurting too and felt alone, but he wants more than that. He wants me to apologise and mean it with no 'buts' and fully acknowledge that it was all my fault.

AIBU? Should I just apologise and take all the blame?

If I sound harsh I'm sorry but you and your Child are better than this. Get out now before he completely destroys your self esteem. And you shouldn't give a shit if it's barbies fucking dream mansion he talks about your child as if it were a pet. Your baby is a human who will grow up to resent him because he never put the time in but you did. You are already doing this alone so why not get your half of the house and whatever other assets. Set up a nice new life for your and your child and make sure you get your maintence and live the rest of your life knowing you won't ever have to apologise for this shit that you know you shouldn't be apologising for. Stand up for yourself and your kid and bin the bastard off.

Also what mother isn't at their child's bedside in hospital because most women I know would have done the same as you. He's a cunt through and through and he doesnt give a shiny shite about you love. Better off without a knob like that in your life. Surround yourself by friends and family and people who will be there for you no matter what.

So parenthood thrust you both into a difficult situation and he checked out, leaving you to carry the family unit as it now was, which meant you fell a lot lower than you would have if you had been united in the efforts to bear the burden this delightful new person came with, in the early stages of its life.
New babies are a risk, you never know what your going to get, but rise to the challenge together and everyone wins. That isn't what happened here.
Out of curiosity, is he also jealous of your bond with the child, since he has not invested much time or energy into the baby I imagine his bond is minimal?
Father's up and down the land are doing what he did every day and still showing up for bedtime etc, sure there are some wasters who aren't, but that's a low bar to compare yourself to for medals.
I bet you weren't a saint but who would be when he was undermining your efforts to be a good mum at every turn. Visiting baby every day is a waste of time wtf?!
Ok so he warned you he didn't do babies... Let's consider that reasonable for a moment and think what he should have done then... what you were doing alone was far too much for one human, so he should have hired a nanny to help so he could keep it all at arms length without you taking too much of the burden, not expect you to fly with no wings or safety net and then say 'I told you so' when you fall.
So sorry you had to live this story, it gives me chills just reading it. 😭

What do you get out of this relationship, other than a sense of doing the right thing by keeping your family together? You're not describing a happy marriage, and your husband sounds angry and unpleasant. That's not good for you or your child.

Frankly, just the fact that he told you not to visit your newborn baby in hospital is enough to tell me that this man is a complete and utter cock.

It won't get any better OP. Please get legal advice about divorce so you have a clear idea of what your financial and custody situation would be, and give some very, very serious thought to ending the relationship. Talk things through with your most trusted friend or relative.

He can kiss you arse. Apologise for what exactly? Being married to a dick with no sense of parental responsibility? Or one without the maturity to be in an adult partnership?

Seriously, he can kiss your sweet arse.

Wow what a fucking asshole (him)

Yanbu.

Your child deserves so much better than a father who doesn’t want to engage with him. Apart from money, what does this horrible man bring to your life? Honestly I’d rather be single and broke than live in a fancy house with someone so who is so unsupportive towards me and our child.

If he thought you had post natal depression why didn’t he try and get you some help?! Or you know, generally help around the house and with the baby, like you know... I’m sure there’s a word for it...oh yeah, like a husband and father!

Do not apologise to him. At best he’s an insensitive arsehole who didn’t support you when, by his own admission, he thought you had PND. At worse, he’s an entitled misogynist who didn’t want to support you emotionally or be a father to his own child.

My DH worked full time and used to have to beg me to let him bath the kids and read to them because he loved it so much and wanted to do more (since he was always stressed out from work and I just wanted him to relax in the evenings).

You deserve so much better and I am so so sorry you had to go through that 😞

He's a bad person.

My DH is a bit of a knob sometimes - and I guess that my friends secretly think I should have left him. But FFS, you can't stay with an arsehole like that!! I cannot get past the bit where he didn't want you to go to the hospital every day 😱😱 Leave now, before the baby knows any different, and make a lovely life for you and DC

I'm afraid that if he knew you wanted children and he didn't want to be a parent he should have broken up with you.

It's not ok to go along with having a child and opt out of parenting. It's not the same as getting a dog and saying you won't walk it.

He doesn't seem to like you, never mind love you. I'll take a wild stab in the dark and guess that the dream house has satisfied his ego as the Great Provider. Do NOT show him this thread, he will use it against you. Every time you try to come back against one of his points, he comes up with another one. You'll never win the argument, because the argument keeps changing, he's moving the goalposts on you. It suits him to do this to you.

Nobody can " make " another person feel a certain way. Wouldn't it be brilliant to have this power?

OP,
Please don't waste any more of you life on such a worthless man.

Get out.

He is a nasty abusive pig.

Do NOT apologise.

Reach out to family and friends.
Get out.

Your husband is a giant C U Next Tuesday, run fast and far away from him.

no way! he sounds dreadful - about as unsupportive as it gets. seriously consider if staying together is the right thing to do because it's pretty unanimous on here that he's not a nice man and you have nothing to apologise for.

Couples counselling is never a good idea with an abusive partner. They use it to further abuse.

Do not show him this thread, he will punish you for it and tell you we are all man hating harpies.

Your dream house is worth nothing if you're being abused in it, which you are.

Please contact Women's Aid and have a chat with them. They are there for any type of abuse, not just physical abuse. Also, look up the Freedom Programme online, it will show you what a healthy relationship looks like.

Ultimately, you need to leave him. His attitude will damage your child's mental health, that will go with them into adulthood and affect them for the rest of their life. Your child needs love and support, not a dream house.

Have my first ever LTB.
Your child deserves a father or at least a proud mother, not a sperm donor in the house who resents the child's very existence.

Congratulations on keeping your baby alive and yourself together so far, but seriously, life without that wanker would be better even if you were in one room in a hostel with your child, because it would be your life. Good luck.

Tell him to fuck off to the far side of Fuck, and when he get's there, to fuck off some more.

What an insensitive, narcissistic bastard. Why on earth would he demand an apology, unless he was looking to humiliate you.. And not just any old apology - an abject apology.

I can already see the victim mentality that he's grooming into you in the excuses you've given for him. Nope. Just Nope.

If he wants a family, he needs to get with the program, or risk being out in the cold.

You have absolutely nothing to apologise for.

He was unsupportive, selfish and cruel.

Now he is being self absorbed and controlling.

You deserve better than someone like him.

Oh god. He’s a bastard OP. You deserve better. Really you do. Don’t mull that over, you deserve better.

He’s an utter twat. I had similar when I had my first child. I was even medicated for PND but actually what worked in the end was a divorce

Good god. LTB. I have nothing more to add to PP.

Ok, so say you were an absolute screaming banshee towards him night and day for six months, he either thinks that’s what you’re actually like, or realises it was PND. If he thought that’s who you were and you were so awful, why didn’t he leave? Which leads me to think he actually does realise it’s PND. What steps did he take to try and help solve this issue? I suppose he thinks doing the washing up a few times should have filled you with such joy all your mental health issues just floated away, forever. He doesn’t sound very clever. In some of my depressive episodes before medication I’ve been a monster to my DP. Not proud of it but he helped me and would never expect an apology. When I do say sorry of my own accord he says don’t be silly you were ill. There are men like that out there OP, don’t be fooled into his bs that’s he’s better than most.

You might be living in your dream home but you're not living in it with a dream husband are you? He sounds like something out of the 1950's.

He is an absolute arsehole. Most men would have been there by your side when your baby was in hospital, not berating you for wanting to go. and they wouldn't have been "helping" with the cleaning, they'd have been sharing the chores and sharing the parenting of your child, which is what good husbands and fathers do.

PND is a recognised illness, and it was probably made much worse by his vile unsupportive behaviour.

You have absolutely nothing to apologise for. He on the other hand has much to apologise for.

He should apologise for :

• not supporting you and going to the hospital with you
• not sharing your concerns about his own child
• not insisting you sought help from the midwife/GP when it was clear

you were suffering from PND

• for being an unreasonable selfish twat and not giving you a break when he got home from work
• for harbouring resentment over something he contributed to by being an unreasonable selfish twat
• for turning his back on you when you needed him
• for not realising there is more to being a husband/father than just

working and providing for his family

• for not getting on board with the counselling
• expecting you to apologise for something that wasn't your fault
• and most of all for being an abusive lousy husband and a useless shit father

Oh dear. You poor thing. He is a malevolent abuser. You need to leave him. As soon as you can. It will just get worse and drag you down further.