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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband won't forgive me unless I apologise

539 replies

MarriageSOS · 08/08/2020 11:00

To try and cut a long story short, my husband and I have not been getting on for some time and things are getting worse. I had a difficult and I ended up giving birth very early which then resulted in a long hospital stay for our little one. We argued during this time as I was going every day and was exhausted and he didn't think it was necessary and I was bringing it on myself so he had no sympathy. I felt completely alone and was hurting, helpless and scared.

Once home we really struggled. Our baby didn't sleep and screamed constantly. We much later found out it was due to intolerances. I would be screamed at all day and felt like a complete failure and completely alone. I kept asking him to help and take the baby when he got home so I could just have 10 minutes on my own. I would happily cook dinner, just to have time off but he always said no as he didn't like baby stuff and the baby needed me not him and he'd had a hard day and just wanted to relax for a bit when he got home. This again caused arguments. I did say things like I wish he would be more of a father and help out more but he said his contribution was to provide the money and a roof over our heads not to deal with the baby stuff. We had a lot of arguments and just couldn't seem to see eye to eye on anything.

We are a year or so on and things with the baby are much better, although he still rarely looks after our child, never does bath or bed time so I can never go out or do anything on an evening. But he is still harbouring resentment from that first 6 months when according to him I was a nightmare to live with and he thinks its clear I had PND as I was so horrible to him. He says he used to drive to work hating me and not want to come home as he knew all he would get is me crying or being angry with him and he got no appreciation for how hard he was working to provide for us.

He wants an apology for how horrible I was to him and how miserable I made him but I don't know how to apologise as I don't remember being that awful but I do remember it being an awful time and crying out for him to help me and him turning his back on me and saying it was my problem to deal with. So we appear to be at an impass.

I dont know if we can recover from this unless I apologise and take all the blame for everything. I have tried saying I'm sorry that I hurt him but that I was hurting too and felt alone, but he wants more than that. He wants me to apologise and mean it with no 'buts' and fully acknowledge that it was all my fault.

AIBU? Should I just apologise and take all the blame?

OP posts:
DopamineHits · 08/08/2020 13:08

QOTD - Is a dream house a dream house when you share it with someone who loathes you?

Why is he still hung up on all of this, and why does he have no empathy for what you (and his child) went through? He's clearly a "my way or the highway" type, and you either shrink yourself to fit in with that and keep the dream house, or you stand up for yourself and refuse to apologize for being left alone during a time you badly needed his support.

TheFormidableMrsC · 08/08/2020 13:08

What an absolute cunt.

Waveysnail · 08/08/2020 13:09

I'd take him to marriage counselling. Sometimes someone else saying your husband being an idiot helps

Bizawit · 08/08/2020 13:09

@titchy

I think you should apologise to him for not realising what an emotionally abusive cunt he was earlier. Start making plans to leave.
This. Your husband sounds like the worst. LTB.
BestOption · 08/08/2020 13:10

@CatherinedeBourgh

Oh and I used dh as my punching bag throughout. He said that I needed to let the frustration anger and impotence out and that if letting it out on him meant I could carry on being loving to dc, he was more than happy to take it.
Does he have a clone or a like minded brother?!
TempestHayes · 08/08/2020 13:10

He also "didn't do more than most men do." Good people do the shopping and cleaning and go to work, they don't get medals for it. THEN they share the baby stuff and care for their partners. And it's not something to bang on about because that's being an adult.

He seems to like this idea that all he has to do is go to work and that's it.

Livelovebehappy · 08/08/2020 13:11

Sounds like a very unpleasant person OP. I would never forgive him for making the first few months of motherhood so crap because he offered and gave absolutely no help. Don’t you dare apologise! Tell him his behaviour was dickish, and unless he offers an apology you can see no future.

mathsmonster · 08/08/2020 13:11

Our lovely DS1 spent the first few months of his life in PICU. It was a difficult time for all of us. My DH stayed at the hospital every day until he had to go back to work.Once he was back at work he would work all day, then do a two hour round trip every day to see our boy.

Once our baby was home he was on a lot of medication. DH helped enormously with making sure he got all of the correct dosages at the correct times.

Once DS1 was allowed to have his feeding tube out I was able to EBF. DH was very supportive with this.

I am of course very appreciative of everything DH did and continues to do for me and our children, However, I think if you were to ask him, he would say that he was just doing his best for his family.

OVienna · 08/08/2020 13:12

You would only be unreasonble TO apologise!

roxfox · 08/08/2020 13:13

No fucking way. If he's going to treat you like this as well as showing no affection and not help with the baby you may as well leave him and just let him pay maintenance. Fuck that.

dottiedodah · 08/08/2020 13:13

HE sounds completely frightful! Honestly I am the last person on here to say LTB ,but I cannot see any redeeming features here at all! He wants you to apologise for what exactly? He sounds like a No 1 Dickhead .What if you had more children ,would he behave the same way then .Think about your future and make plans to leave ASAP!

mummyslittlenightmare · 08/08/2020 13:14

Having been in your position (hard time with baby, intolerances etc)

I would simply say 'I wasn't sorry then, and I'm not sorry now'

And throw a suitcase at him. Cheerio Smile

Samanabanana · 08/08/2020 13:14

Have my very first LTB. Your child is not just your responsibility, that's not how partnerships work. I hope you know that it's your husband who ought to be apologising to you with no ifs and buts. Take care Flowers

chrislilleyswig · 08/08/2020 13:15

I could have written this. Almost word for word

When DS started copying his dad and sneering at me, asking if I'd taken my pills yet I knew it was time

Best decision ever. He's constantly telling himself and anyone who listens that I was sick in the head and I've turned DD against him

He's shown by his disregard for her over the last 18 years that it was the right choice

Please leave him OP. It won't get better

Autumnsloth · 08/08/2020 13:18

OP, don't buy that he did more than a lot of men do. Almost all of my friends who have babies have partners who either work and cook and clean or share in the child care substantially - or both. It's both of your child. Giving birth and having a newborn is so difficult on the mother, and you had it worse than most. He needed to be there for you as well as for the baby. Saying that you bought it upon yourself when you were visiting your precious baby in hospital is awful. So awful that he should be begging for your forgiveness.

By all means, if you think you were horrible to him, apologise for being horrible. BUT he owes you a far more massive apology. This was not your fault. Even if you were short with him, it was his role to support you and share in taking care of the baby.

DeadButDelicious · 08/08/2020 13:19

Show that piece of shit the door.

bengalcat · 08/08/2020 13:20

OP - mathsmonsters DH is a sterling example of a decent human being - look at what you and your child have in comparison . I’d take a previous posters advice of both going to counselling - you both need to hear and understand where you’re coming from - people cope differently with stressful situations is perhaps the kindest thing I could say about his attitude .

NeedToKnow101 · 08/08/2020 13:20

What the first reply said... tell him to fuck off, and get rid. He's a wanker.

Calmondeck · 08/08/2020 13:21

@MarriageSOS please consider this from the perspective of your child. I grew up knowing my mum struggled the first year of having a challenging baby. My dad whispers behind her back that he suspects it was PND. My mum just speaks of her lack of support/exhaustion etc. To me, it seemed their marriage never recovered from this period. My father feels genuine contempt for my mum, and he also claims he “does more around the house than any other man I know” (your child will pick up on this gender stereotyping). When I was in my teens, my father began having affairs (with secretaries and employees, a nice power dynamic he could control). As a child of parents in this dynamic it always made me question the destructiveness of my existence for my parents seemingly happy marriage pre-children, and fearful of having kids myself in the future. Please don’t sweep this situation under the rug, I fear it will fester for many years to come

FeelLiedTo · 08/08/2020 13:22

He's the one that should be apologising
He's using this as an excuse to punish you or maybe even leave you
He's useless
No loss if he goes

OldEvilOwl · 08/08/2020 13:22

If anyone needs to apologize its him! What a sexist pig! He let you down when you needed him the most. That would be unforgivable to me!

SinkGirl · 08/08/2020 13:23

OP, he’s not a twat or a cunt or any of the words used here. He’s worse than all of them.

I had my twins under awful circumstances and they were both in NICU, one for two months. DH got a really nasty virus a week after they were born and couldn’t go in for a week and it broke his heart. We both went every single day of the two months DT2 was in, he would come in during his lunch hour and then after work.

Then when DT2 finally came home he was swiftly readmitted to paeds HDU for nearly two weeks - I had to be there with him 24/7 which meant DH had to take care of DT1 alone at home for that time. No family to help so he did it by himself, and quite rightly didn’t expect a medal for it because plenty of women do the same.

He’s always known that it’s so hard managing a baby / babies alone and makes sure I get time to rest.

He puts them to bed and reads them stories every night because he loves it.

I too had PND and was probably pretty neurotic for much of the first year but he supported me.

He’s been awful to you and a useless father. I’ll take our tiny house and an awesome husband and dad over a dream house and a useless one any day.

IncrediblySadToo · 08/08/2020 13:24

@MarriageSOS

Thank you all for your comments! I have tried justifying myself to him but he won't listen to me. I know I'm not a Saint and I have a tongue on me sometimes and I can be mean but I have honestly tried to get our marriage back on track.

I asked him to come to couples counciling, which he did do for a session but nothing really changed and he thought it was unnecessary. So I think i might just send him the link to this thread.

Just so he can't say that I kept any details back and tried to paint him in a bad light. He does work hard at running a company. He often works 10+ hour days and, due to his hard work, we have just been able to buy my absolute dream house. If he didnt work as hard or took more time off then the company would be in a much worse state and none of this would have been possible.

I would just like to have a husband who doesn't resent me and maybe shows me a tiny bit of affection. I've not been even hugged by him in a year, let alone anything else.

You don't have a dream home, you have a guilded Cage

You're living with a man who openly despised you and doesn't care for his child

He's done such a number on you that you think this is all ok & the only sticking point is an apology

For GOD SAKE if nothing else UP your contraception.

He is not a good man. If you weren't so brain washed by him, you'd divorce him and find a lovely little place for you & your child to live. Yes it won't be the Big Dream House, but it'll become the dream home because you'll be LIVING, not just existing in his shadow,waiting for any scrap of affection.

Yes, you did make a mistake, not listening to who he told you he was before you got pregnant, but your not the first & wont be the last to make that mistake

However, it's what you do NOW that matters for both YOU and your child.

Seriously. Lawyer Divorce - new life with lovely baby & he can pay a generous child maintenance in lieu of actually being a parent.

He's a solid gold wanker & YOU deserve SO much more, as does your child

HOkieCOkie · 08/08/2020 13:25

I’m sorry you’ve had a rubbish time, and been utterly unsupported xx you’ve nothing to apologise for.

I don’t know what to advice as it’s not as simple as “leave the bastard” as ppl love to say on here.

justasking111 · 08/08/2020 13:26

OMG been there, 9 weeks in ICU for grandchild my DIL and DS pulled together both riding the waves even when GC came home they were a unit through some rough times.

I would be telling his mum what a shit he is being if you think she can knock some sense into him. Otherwise just leave.