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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Seeing Friends Without Their Children?

89 replies

Pollypocket89 · 08/08/2020 07:45

Lighthearted... Aibu to want to see my friend without her children?

My friend is wonderful and her children are lovely but every time we see each other is when their dad is at work so my friend has sole responsibility for her 2 and 4 year old.

When I see them, they want my attention too and want us all to play which we do but I don't feel certain subjects are appropriate around children even though my friend says its OK or being interrupted after 5 minutes (understandably, they're little)

This is more of a lighthearted rant as right now, there's no actual solution... I'd just love to go for an adult outing with my friend :D

OP posts:

heartsonacake · 08/08/2020 07:48

YANBU. Kids change the entire dynamic and people don’t seem to realise other adults don’t want to spend time with their kids.

HazelWong · 08/08/2020 07:49

Why is there no solution?

Can you not suggest drinks in the evening once the kids are in bed?

angelopal · 08/08/2020 07:51

Can you arrange dinner in the evening? I like seeing friends without my kids as can have a proper catch up.

Dancingonmylonesome · 08/08/2020 07:52

I understand the situation ie shes left alone with the kids alot so it's hard to get out but that would annoy me. I have a young child and still try to see friends without him because you cant have a proper conversation with them there

Original poster

Pollypocket89 · 08/08/2020 07:53

There's no solution for the time being, I should say. She's furloughed at the moment and husband is self employed so he's working all possible hours so when he gets home they want to see each other and he's too tired to have the children for long. We live about an hour apart so it requires a little more planning than nipping round the corner

OP posts:

Original poster

Pollypocket89 · 08/08/2020 07:55

That's exactly it. Sometimes friends suggest bringing my dog with me for a walk to catch up and ill always say no because even with a dog, my attention has to be on him rather than 100% on the conversation!

OP posts:

Milssofadoesntreallyfit · 08/08/2020 07:57

You are right that you can't have certain adult conversations properly with kids around.
But your friend, myself and many other people who have at times learnt to manage with having kids around all the time. It can be very restrictive especially when it comes to wanting adult conversation and company, time to yourself etc.
Yanbu in feeling frustrated with this but yabu in another sense you find it frustrating when you meet her, she will have this all the time and to add to it, the little adult company she gets, said adult is not really happy at not getting her full attention and us not getting the adult conversation she wants.
It will just feel like she's dealing with another demanding child whose spitting their dummy out cos it's not fair.
I know your post is light hearted. Please take this the same, just crank the frustration up 10 fold and and that's where she might be.

pictish · 08/08/2020 07:58

How old are the children?
Yanbu to want a couple of hours with your friend uninterrupted by children but she’s nbu either because her lifestyle at the moment is dominated by their presence.
You could request an evening meet up...but again might be difficult to engineer around bed and bath etc. I often felt too exhausted to be attentive and entertaining company after 8pm when mine were tots, having run myself ragged looking after them all day.

Original poster

Pollypocket89 · 08/08/2020 08:00

It will just feel like she's dealing with another demanding child whose spitting their dummy out cos it's not fair.

What? I've literally just said I completely understand her situation and do sit and play with the children and have them climb all over me, or be brushing my hair doing a 'make over' as I'm trying to talk to their mum

OP posts:

Incrediblytired · 08/08/2020 08:03

It’s a balance. Out of my friendship group 2 of us have kids but 3 others don’t.

I make effort to meet up with them in the evening with no kids and have adult conversations that don’t revolve around children. However if a childless friend wants to meet up In the day I say “sure, I have dd these days or can do this day and DH has her” more often that not they were expecting and wanting to also see dd which is fab but I don’t like to assume. Plus I want to live vicariously through their outrageous dating tales 😂

labyrinthloafer · 08/08/2020 08:05

I think you could be more understanding. Friendship should be more about what we can give than what we can get.

It sounds like your friend has more responsibilities than you do?

If you need something from your friend you should be able to ask. But maybe your friend has a lot on their plate and really values this semi-adult time.

I'll warn you - if you'd asked me to see you without my kids, you'd have seen me a lot less at this stage, because I just didn't have time or inclination. Now my kids are older it is very different.

Herja · 08/08/2020 08:06

My children love my best friend. They see her as an auntie figure. As such, they sulk when they don't get to see her too... This doesn't mean they always get to, because it's important to have adult only time too!

A trick we use (I'm a single parent, so no DP to help) is for her to come over for dinner sometimes,see all 3 of us for an hour or so, I disappear for a bit to put the kids to bed, then we have the evening to ourselves. Could something like that work? I get that friends DP is working lots and tired, but it would surely be possible occasionally? Particularly if no one minded if he was sociable, or tucked himself away peacefully in a different room.

Milssofadoesntreallyfit · 08/08/2020 08:06

Like I said, my take my post in the lighthearted way you intended your opening post.
I'm in her situation, it is hard, it's good you understand but she's probably feeling the same and it's will be worse for her at the moment cos she just can't get a break from it.
Your only dealing with this when you meet her, she has it all the time.

Original poster

Pollypocket89 · 08/08/2020 08:07

People do extrapolate a lot from nothing here... No, I have a dc too and a job so no I don't have 'less responsibility' than her and I've said I more than understand numerous times already. I'm just sad that I can't speak freely and have a proper conversation with my friend!

OP posts:

pictish · 08/08/2020 08:12

Have to say I wouldn’t be getting my hair brushed or a makeover done during conversation with a friend, by my own kids or anyone else’s. There’s a time and a place for that stuff and it’s not during a social catch up in my opinion. I generally expected my kids to play close by but not actually ‘with’ us. I wanted adult time and had no desire to halt conversation so me and my friend could play with the kids. Hell no.

MarthasGinYard · 08/08/2020 08:15

Op you are more patient than me I'd probably cancel until she'd got some childcare

pictish · 08/08/2020 08:21

I once had coffee with a nice woman I’d got to know through a tots group...she invited me to her place.
We were in the kitchen when she disappeared saying she’d be back shortly. After waiting an extremely polite half an hour for her to reappear (not kidding) I went to investigate. I found her settled in the sitting room surrounded by toys, doing a jigsaw with her three year old. Her dd had wanted her to play apparently.
Yeah I didn’t bother with that again. She moved house soon after anyway.

GinwithPinkGrapefruit · 08/08/2020 08:24

I have always been jealous of parents who can do this. There is absolutely no way on gods green earth my kids would go to sleep (or even stay in bed) when there was a third party downstairs. The FOMO is far too strong.

Velvian · 08/08/2020 08:26

Hang in there, op. In a few short years, the kids will be pleased to leave you both alone to have some screen time.

I have similar with my dsis, my youngest DC is only 3 years older than my DN, but it makes a massive difference in our lifestyles. You're doing a good thing for your friend, she is probably lonely and in desperate need of adult company.

INeedNewShoes · 08/08/2020 08:27

If she can't go out in the evening, could you go round there for a drink after her kids are in bed?

I'm a single parent so it's sometimes difficult for me to be child fee, but I know it's important to be able to spend time with my friends without DD in toe from time to time. I invite friends over in the evening after DD's bedtime so that we can spend some decent time together without constant interruptions.

But there are some women whose identities become 100% being a mother once they have children and they don't WANT to socialise without them.

strawberrypip · 08/08/2020 08:29

I'd probably cancel until she got some childcare

urghh what a shitty comment - you wouldnt be a friend of mine anymore. wouldn't be worth arranging childcare for people with this attitude.

what a dream it would be to meet up with others without young children but alas for many of us this isnt possible for so many reasons. I am so thankful my friends are accepting of this no matter how annoying. it's not forever - theyll soon be of an age where they dont want to be with me 24/7 and I'll get to be selfish again. until that day, like it or lump it, the kids are coming with me. dont like it find other mates

OnceUponAPotato · 08/08/2020 08:29

A lot of people on here don’t understand that you can absolutely understand a situation, have no plans to challenge it, but just want a bit of a whinge that this isn’t what you really want!

I think everything you’ve said is fair. Yes, I’m sure it would be nice to see her alone, and hopefully her situation will ease up a bit soon and you’ll be able to suggest it. But in the mean time you sound like a good friend!

pictish · 08/08/2020 08:30

I think you’ve slightly created this situation yourself by going along with being climbed on and having your hair brushed etc...I can understand why...you want to be amenable and easy going for your friend with her kids. I also understand it’s now awkward to say no after you have allowed it thus far...but it might be an idea to put the kybosh on being a climbing frame or a model. You’re there to see their mum.

Ikeepbuyinganimals · 08/08/2020 08:31

Sigh. Yes. Some of my closest friends I've cut back on/stopped seeing since they've had kids because I don't want to spend time half entertaining a bloody toddler. Have started focusing more on finding friends without kids/ones that have older ones as this is only going to get worse as all my friends are dropping down pregnant.

Original poster

Pollypocket89 · 08/08/2020 08:33

@OnceUponAPotato thanks, that's exactly it!

OP posts:

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