Seeing Friends Without Their Children?

[Pollypocket89]

Lighthearted... Aibu to want to see my friend without her children?

My friend is wonderful and her children are lovely but every time we see each other is when their dad is at work so my friend has sole responsibility for her 2 and 4 year old.

When I see them, they want my attention too and want us all to play which we do but I don't feel certain subjects are appropriate around children even though my friend says its OK or being interrupted after 5 minutes (understandably, they're little)

This is more of a lighthearted rant as right now, there's no actual solution... I'd just love to go for an adult outing with my friend :D

@MarthasGinYard I mean, it's all fun and games and laughter until you remember that loneliness in mothers is a massive occurrence, especially those who are single and those of young children. I am glad we wouldnt be friends and relieved that most of mine are not so self absorbed. I'm lucky they have the patience and respect for our friendship to realise that it wont be like this forever more, the children will get older and to bare with.

sorry, as you were, you can continue being smug and replying to everyone who disagrees with the OP now.

There's nothing really to disagree with me about as such... My friend isn't doing anything wrong and neither am I missing her

@Pollypocket89 I'm not taking anything away from that - I'm calling out the comment about cancelling etc.

as you yourself obviously know, it's hard being a mum and it's hard finding time for yourself let alone trying to keep all your friends happy. it's fine to be frustrated and miss your friend but it really annoys me seeing some of the comments on here about treating your friends well or you may not have any etc. when priorities obviously change once you have children. it's hard enough as it is without people with attitudes like that.

Fair enough

Luckily all my mates, many of over 25 years are on the same wavelength.

Probably why we have always gelled so well.

In fact the last wedding friend said 'I know it's a silly question but do any of you want to bring kids'

I think this is grim but it is the reason I lost most of my friendships once I had children. It’s depressing but partly just the way it is, I think.

Child free time when they are little is usually hard to arrange so it is saved for special nights out it doesn't seem so hard for fathers to arrange though

@WaterOffADucksCrack

Child free time when they are little is usually hard to arrange so it is saved for special nights out it doesn't seem so hard for fathers to arrange though

All fathers? Bit of a sweeping generalisation there.

Most parents I know just saved childcare for evening socialising and took the dc to the coffee and chat meet ups during the day. I can't imagine booking a babysitter to have a coffee in Starbucks. I mean, if people choose to that's fine but to expect a pal go do it is a bit extreme.

GetOffYourHighHorse Unclench! I never said all fathers did I dear.

@WaterOffADucksCrack

GetOffYourHighHorse Unclench! I never said all fathers did I dear.

I'm not clenched thanks. You said 'fathers' not 'some fathers' suggesting the generalisation I mentioned.

'Dear'?!

GetOffYourHighHorse I thought it would be obvious I meant some not all as it's impossible for one group of people to be exactly the same. But I do think in general mothers seem to have more difficulty having childfree time with their friends than fathers.

For example, in my relationship my partner and I check with each other before we make plans to go out with friends or whatever to ensure the other person will be available for the children. All of my female friends with children have commented how "lucky" I am because their partners will just swan off with no notice or expect them to change their plans if they both have something booked!

I have tried to explain as best I can but let me know if you're struggling to comprehend.

@IslandbreezeNZ

It's probably the pandemic. I have no way of Skyping my friend without my child being with me. Before the pandemic we could meet up when he was at weekend classes etc...there's nothing I can do about it and shoe is my friend. I do tell my child to leave mummy to chat alone after they initially say hi and chat

Can't you just Skype when child is in bed? I have 4 dc and could skype a friend if I really wanted to?

I'm 43 childless & never see my friends who have young children without their children these days... annoyingly they do have adults only get togethers with other couples!! But of course I'm single so don't get invited to those gatherings!!

With one friend I suspect she uses me to help entertain her two children- it certainly helps her that I'm there on outings to the park etc to care for her toddler while she chases after her slightly out of control older boy - but I do understand as she's suffering from depression.

Covid has definitely wrecked my social life as I used to go out to bars & restaurants & coffee shops with my 2 single friends but now you have to give your details & 2 of us can't afford to be off work isolating if a patron develops Covid, plus my other single friend just wants to stay in all the time.

I'm glad my friends with children invite me to spend time with them & I feel privileged that their children like me.
I just miss adult time as I have to constantly watch my language & can never have an in depth conversation about adult things.
I've tried phoning my friends but their husbands always interrupt which is annoying. My friends don't seem able to have any privacy.

YANBU to want to spend time with her without her children. Children are annoying (just fetched third cup of water for overheated grumpy toddler who knocked over the last two, one onto my book )...

But (and I'm sure you're aware of this...) she can't just leave them on their own to see you, much as she'd probably like to. You sound like a nice reasonable person, just not a lover of tiny noisy dictators, which is understandable.

So her options are...

• Get a babysitter (expensive and might not be possible if they're struggling atm. I'd always get a babysitter for birthdays/weddings etc., but not just to meet up with a friend for coffee).
• Leave kids with husband either at evenings/weekend. Evenings sound like a write-off because you don't live close/she's so tired, but I don't see why you can't see her occasionally on her own at weekends while her DH cares for the kids. I've never bought into this "weekends are family time" thing...I love having long lunches with old friends in nice restaurants at weekends while DH wrangles the beast (sorry, toddler). It reminds me of the relaxed, civilised non-screamy life I had before...I only get mildly aggressive when my 'tired' friend tells me she's late because she overslept and woke up just before midday. Not fucking happening in this house ever again (or at least until we have teenagers) .
• Bring them (which has the downsides you describe).
• Tie them up with duct tape so they can't get into any mischief while she's gone. This plan has a lot of advantages and was recommended for parents wfh with children during lockdown, but unfortunately is frowned on by social services and the police.