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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Seeing Friends Without Their Children?

89 replies

Pollypocket89 · 08/08/2020 07:45

Lighthearted... Aibu to want to see my friend without her children?

My friend is wonderful and her children are lovely but every time we see each other is when their dad is at work so my friend has sole responsibility for her 2 and 4 year old.

When I see them, they want my attention too and want us all to play which we do but I don't feel certain subjects are appropriate around children even though my friend says its OK or being interrupted after 5 minutes (understandably, they're little)

This is more of a lighthearted rant as right now, there's no actual solution... I'd just love to go for an adult outing with my friend :D

OP posts:
GinwithPinkGrapefruit · 08/08/2020 08:34

I dunno I have two young kids (5 and 3) and I don’t often get out without them. Whilst I fully appreciate that not all my friends are “into” kids (and I don’t force the issue - they are the friends I see without the kids in tow) what I do get annoyed about are the ones who never ask about them. Who show no interest and pretend they don’t exist. Those are the friends I am phasing out.

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 08/08/2020 08:35

Thing is, I love spending time with her children, they're a lot but they're a joy to be around and I'm happy to play with them... I just wish that I could have both!

OP posts:
itchyfinger · 08/08/2020 08:37

Can you do evening meet ups? Once the kids are in bed?

LilMissRe · 08/08/2020 08:39

I feel for you OP! I'm the same!
My close friend and I arranged to meet up and then lockdown happened. Once lifted I was so excited to catch up but she brought her two children (8 and 5) along and I felt I couldn't talk about anything grown up. They got bored and frustrated quickly on our walk, and all I did was entertain them and their conversations. I love them to bits but their dad was at home so I don't know why on this day they had to join. I hadn't seen my friend since Xmas and had so much to talk about too and share and really missed having a proper catch up.

rosegoldivy · 08/08/2020 08:41

I'm the only one in my immediate friend group with a DC and I will always ask if they want me to bring DC.
Majority of the time I secretly hope they say no so I can enjoy some adult time alone without my DD running riot. She has the nick name "wreck it" for a reason 😂

MarthasGinYard · 08/08/2020 08:42

'I'm the only one in my immediate friend group with a DC and I will always ask if they want me to bring DC.
Majority of the time I secretly hope they say no'

They probably want to but feel they can't.

LilMissRe · 08/08/2020 08:43

I want to add that I have a Dc too and I made arrangements fo him to stay at home

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 08/08/2020 08:43

@LilMissRe that's exactly it. If we could see each other more regularly then I'd be less bothered but I've seen her once since lockdown.

My friend lives an hour away and is generally exhausted by 8pm bedtime so it'd mean me driving a 2 hour round trip for maybe an hour with her while she's not in the mood for conversation

OP posts:
kirstywursty012 · 08/08/2020 08:43

I totally get this! I absolutely hate inviting friends round if I’m with my toddler because I never manage to finish a sentence! Perhaps suggest taking advantage of the “eat out to help out” scheme and meet her for a nice dinner

pictish · 08/08/2020 08:48

I guess this is the reality of life with little kids. Preoccupied all day then fit to drop in the evening. I remember it well.

labyrinthloafer · 08/08/2020 08:50

@Pollypocket89

People do extrapolate a lot from nothing here... No, I have a dc too and a job so no I don't have 'less responsibility' than her and I've said I more than understand numerous times already. I'm just sad that I can't speak freely and have a proper conversation with my friend!
Apologies - I did frame it as a question because it sounded like you had fewer responsibilities, but I wanted to check.
crosser62 · 08/08/2020 08:51

I get you op.
Child free meet ups were my sanity when mine were little.
Didn’t happen often, maybe once every other month. Heaven!

We were a small group of friends, all with kids.
Evening meet up for a meal & natter. Bliss!

But then one of the group declared that as none of us had seen her little darling for months, she may bring her to the next evening out...her dh had suggested this. (Aged 2)

I’m afraid that the reaction was not good from 99.9% of the group.
I gently explained the issues around this plan.
The rest of the group said that they would not then turn up to the next evening out of she brought along her child.
She was obviously very upset by this. 😱

It’s not my idea of fun, unless a play date with our children, then no, I’d prefer adult only get together s and would do my best to facilitate this and wouldn’t mind the hours travel to meet up every few months in the evening.

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 08/08/2020 08:52

That's fair... I'm just very used to people on MN making bizarre assumptions when nothing of the sort has been said (not meaning you) :)

OP posts:
rosegoldivy · 08/08/2020 08:52

@MarthasGinYard oh no, my friends are pretty blunt about it haha
Most of the time they will ask if I'm bringing DD and I choose not to bring her.
I value my alone time with my friends far too much.

labyrinthloafer · 08/08/2020 08:58

@Pollypocket89

That's fair... I'm just very used to people on MN making bizarre assumptions when nothing of the sort has been said (not meaning you) :)
Oh I hear you, I'm getting diagnosed with mh condition on another thread this morning!

Anyway back to you.

Maybe you need some adult time and can ask your friend if they can do that for you?

I just didn't really need adult time, I needed alone time, but I did meet with friends who had a stronger need for adult activities.

GetOffYourHighHorse · 08/08/2020 09:02

Op, I mean this kindly, but if she wanted child free evenings with you in a beer garden she would find a way. She sees you as a friend to have coffee with during the day, with the kids.

If you value her friendship just make sure it's always somewhere like a hideous softplay where the kids are distracted.

Snog · 08/08/2020 09:02

Sometimes an evening phone call can work well for a chat.

Nosuchluck · 08/08/2020 09:02

Could you FaceTime her one evening when her DC are in bed and chat about grown up stuff?. My friend and I arrange an hour long call once a month, we both make a cuppa just before the call and enjoy our time.

JazzaGal · 08/08/2020 09:02

It will just feel like she's dealing with another demanding child whose spitting their dummy out cos it's not fair there is nothing light-hearted about this, it's a bit shitty.

I live miles away from family and friends and arranging childcare is a palaver. I love my friends DC, I've been on holiday with friends when they had DC and I didn't. Occasionally, I like to see friends just with adults there.

I have a friend who can't or won't leave her children. Now her DC are teenagers she'll often bring them out. We will make an arrangement to meet with without DC, she'll still rock up with her two teenagers and a grimace. After 30 mins they are bored stupid.

I wouldn't assume other people want to see my DC. If childcare failed, I'd let people know and would give them a chance to rearrange or not go.

GisAFag · 08/08/2020 09:06

Maybe she has no help, maybe she likes having her kids with her. Get a different friend if it's bothering you so much that can't talk freely. Plenty of other people around

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 08/08/2020 09:08

@GetOffYourHighHorse thanks for telling me about my own friendship and how my own friend sees me, thank god you posted Grin

OP posts:
Skyliner001 · 08/08/2020 09:08

YANBU

IslandbreezeNZ · 08/08/2020 09:20

It's probably the pandemic. I have no way of Skyping my friend without my child being with me. Before the pandemic we could meet up when he was at weekend classes etc...there's nothing I can do about it and shoe is my friend. I do tell my child to leave mummy to chat alone after they initially say hi and chat

GetOffYourHighHorse · 08/08/2020 09:23

'thanks for telling me about my own friendship and how my own friend sees me, thank god you posted'

If you post on a chat forum people will offer opinions. I could have said 'oh call her ask her to arrange a night when her DH was available!' but the fact is if she wanted to I am guessing she would have thought of it. If you push it would then be awkward and she'd probably be resentful when you did meet.

Child free time when they are little is usually hard to arrange so it is saved for special nights out. They won't be little for ever, school in a couple of years!

elstree2020 · 08/08/2020 09:25

YANBU as there are some conversations you would not want a child to hear, or think that they could hear.

It may be not easy or possible though, until both are at school.