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AIBU?

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Original poster

My friend has stopped paying for things ..aibu to mention it?

305 replies

berryberry44 · 08/08/2020 07:34

My friend will ask me to get things from town whilst I'm up (just stupid things like shampoo or a candle etc ) but never gives me the money.
Yesterday I dropped off around £10 worth of things and she took the bag and didn't mention paying.
Then we went out for lunch and I said il get the taxi there and you pay back.
She said no problem,il give you the money for back and you can use your Uber account.
Then she gave me half the taxi fare(I don't know how she thought that was correct)
Then popped in Superdrug and I had a few things,she hands me those and says "can you pay for these and il give you money,I hate paying with my card"
I said no,I said it gets too confusing.
Can we just pay for our own things.
Aibu to say that ?
Do I mention that she never pays ?

OP posts:
Jux · 08/08/2020 11:36

So she's saving up to £50 right now, and unless you say something or do something different, she'll save more? Lucky her.

If I were you, I'd say "yes they have the pjs" when I next saw her but was in no danger of being anywhere near the shop so she can't ask me to get them. If she asks anyway, then I'd just keep forgetting and after she'd asked me 3 times I'd say that I don't think I'll ever remember (ha ha silly me) and leave it at that. If she presses further then I'd stick my hand out and say "they're £xxx, then".

redcarbluecar · 08/08/2020 11:49

I think you've absolutely got to put your foot down and stop this happening. I had a friend like this once and the 'small amounts' she ended up owing me just accumulated - I was too soft about it for a while but my resentment just grew - not at all healthy for a friendship.
Ask her directly for the money she owes you - send her your bank details or whatever. Until she pays, refuse to let her get into any more debt with you - just say no to any requests and rise above any attempt from her to make you feel mean or petty. This may also serve to show how strong/worthwhile your friendship is.

wheretonow123 · 08/08/2020 11:50

I assume that she can afford these things...often people like that have plenty of money.

Maybe just send a message on WhatsApp...."I have noted where we are moneywise and it is X, Y and Z totalling. Are you ok with that?"

Then anything you get or she pays update it. And, of course, stop or severley curtail what you pay for if she continues not to pay.

EmbarrassingAdmissions · 08/08/2020 11:50

@LEELULUMPKIN

Has she always been like this OP or is it a recent development?

Thinking about it again after my first post, I wondered whether it was a recent thing due to a change in financial circumstances (as so many are in the current climate) which she may or may not be too embarrassed/ashamed to tell you about.

It crossed my mind. That said, it would be unusual for a candle to be an essential purchase under those circumstances - or quite costly pyjamas. And why would she think that OP can afford to gift her the money or was she banking on being able to coerce OP into resentment, silence, and increasing subsidies.
kazzer2867 · 08/08/2020 11:52

Now she's text asking me to look in Debenhams to see if they have these pjs.

I'd reply yes they do and send her the link to the website page. CF. Time for you to toughen up.

Pol16 · 08/08/2020 12:04

I’m not very good with confrontation and I find situations like this excruciatingly embarrassing, however pathetic that sounds. However, I would also be very wound up by this person’s behaviour and would have to say something. I would be straight with her and ask if I could talk to her about something that I was finding difficult. Then I would just say ‘I keep paying for things for you and you don’t seem to be paying me back for them .... I’m sure you just forget but we need to find a way that ensures you remember to pay me.’

CheetasOnFajitas · 08/08/2020 12:11

The fact that you even have to ask this question explains exactly why she is doing this! If you think it is “cheeky” to ask for payment for things that you bought at someone’s request then you must implode when people do things that are actually cheeky.

What is it about “using her card” that she doesn’t like? Is her hearing super sensitive to beeps? Does she have a phobia of plastic? Or is that she doesn’t like money coming out of her account, Hmm?

You’re a mug. Woman up.

onlinelinda · 08/08/2020 12:11

Regardless of her personal circumstances, she specifically wants to ask for things and for you to pay for them. That isn't healthy . You're definitely being exploited. I think you have to start saying no, and mean it. The fact that she may be broke has nothing to do with it. She wants meals out and make up and candles, which she doesn't need. Some people also feel better about themselves or valued if they can get others to buy them things, but you shouldn't enable it, as it's an unhealthy relationship dynamic which will lead to resentment-on both sides, actually.

Nanny0gg · 08/08/2020 12:12

People have to stop thinking 'I don''t do confrontations'...

It doesn't have to be confrontational. In fact it only becomes that if the other person argues or makes it confrontational. Which then tells you all you need to know about them

A polite request for the money you're owed and a calm, firm, 'No, I can't do that' to cheeky requests will sort it.

Then walk away. Permanently

starskey80 · 08/08/2020 12:33

I can't stand people like this, she's taking advantage of your good nature.

I'd just ignore any forther requests to buy her stuff, and if she asks again just play dumb. 'oh, I didn't see that message.'
Only bring enough cash to cover yourself when meeting out.

She feels entitled to your money, cheeky fucker.

CharityDingle · 08/08/2020 12:34

@Nanny0gg

People have to stop thinking 'I don''t do confrontations'...

It doesn't have to be confrontational. In fact it only becomes that if the other person argues or makes it confrontational. Which then tells you all you need to know about them

A polite request for the money you're owed and a calm, firm, 'No, I can't do that' to cheeky requests will sort it.

Then walk away. Permanently

Amen to this! Not many people like confrontation, they really don't.

But it doesn't have to be 'all guns blazing' stuff. Just a quiet, 'okay, I will need the money upfront.'

IntermittentParps · 08/08/2020 12:36

It is partly your fault for not putting your foot down, but she's a cheeky greedy thief.

About the pjs, look if you can be bothered and text her back and say 'yes they've got them' or 'no'. If she asks you to buy them ignore.

Don't pick things up for her any more or say 'OK, can you give me the cash now'. If she hands things to you in a shop, don't take them, say clearly 'We're paying separately' and ask the cashier to ring up yours only.

Thisismytimetoshine · 08/08/2020 12:39

Are you afraid of her, op? Feeling cheeky asking her to pay, claiming she'll fly off the handle if you dare to mention it...
Really?

Spinakker · 08/08/2020 12:41

It would be the end of the friendship for me. Why bother with someone who is clearly using you! You need to get rid.

Serin · 08/08/2020 12:43

She's not your friend, she is taking the piss out of you. You sound so meek, please find some confidence and get her out of your life.
Real friends dont do this OP.

mellicauli · 08/08/2020 12:46

You might want to consider that there is a cost even looking for pyjamas in Debenhams. That’s your time, your effort when you could be doing something you wanted to do or that would benefit you in some way. It’s not like she’s not able to herself. By asking, it shows she thinks your time is worth nothing.

Sparklesocks · 08/08/2020 12:50

She’s purposefully using casual language and making it out not to be a big deal so you feel like you’re overreacting for saying no or bringing it up later.
But it is a big deal. It’s perfectly fine to say to a friend ‘I’ve noticed you recently keep asking me to pay for things for you but then I don’t get the cash back. As friends I’m happy to pick up the odd thing but it feels a bit one sided lately. Is everything alright?’.

Otherwise keep pushing back and saying no.

FarTooMuchWashing · 08/08/2020 12:51

If you really want to be nice, she can but the pjs on line, have them delivered to the shop and you can pick them up if you’re passing before she is. But for goodness sake, don’t make a special visit to Debenhams to buy pjs for your ‘friend’ unless you actually want to buy her them as a present!

iwantmyownicecreamvan · 08/08/2020 12:53

Did they not have the pyjamas in Debenhams?
Yes, they did.
Did you get them for me?
No.
But I asked you to.
Didn't have enough money.
... some angry blustery reply ...
Well that's how it is when people don't pay you back, you run out of money.

NancyPickford · 08/08/2020 12:54

So she'll fly off the handle.

So what???

You really have to become a bit more assertive when these things happen. Otherwise you will be funding her lifestyle until one of you dies.

monkeyonthetable · 08/08/2020 13:02

Just say no! Tell her that you have bought her a lot of things that really add up and if she won't pay you back you can't keep funding her.

AngusThermopyle · 08/08/2020 13:02

If you've been friends for 15years then you're both probably grown up enough to be able to say to her "by the way you still owe me £50 for 'stuff'
If she 'fly's off the handle' then so what.? Either you'll get your money back or not. If you do, good . Don't buy her stuff again, just say no, you can't.
If you don't get your money back then at least you'll be much better off without her using you as her personal money mule.

willitbetonight · 08/08/2020 13:07

Ffs op, my dad would ask me for the money if he bought me something that I asked him to pick up. Except he wouldn't need to ask as I would already have my wallet out. Grow a pair. And if she flies off the handle drop her. She's no friend if she just sees you as a walking wallet. Cheeky fucker.

hammie46i · 08/08/2020 13:12

You need to let her know how much she owes you to date and that you need this money back. You're being exploited.

GennyCrabby · 08/08/2020 13:12

CFers can only get away with it if other people let them.

Don't facilitate her stealing money from you. Why are you not furious about this??

"Yes they've got the PJs in your size. I'm going for lunch but if you want me to pick them up at 2pm you can transfer me the money for them and what you owe me (£85 total) and I'll grab them for you when the money hits my account."

So what the fuck if she gets mad at you? At least you won't be the next £50 out of pocket and you'll know that she's not a friend who is borrowing money, she is in fact a cheeky fucker who is STEALING money.

And the card thing is a blatant and very disrespectful lie. If she's really honestly telling you she thinks cards are dangerous (for the risk of fraud?) she's not btw she's also telling you that she's OK with putting you in more danger than you would normally be.

She orders the things from the websites, she buys with cash herself or she goes without, those are her choices.

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