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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Eating out? Is it me

206 replies

Lunafortheloveogod · 07/08/2020 19:42

Ok am I being uptight or is it perfectly reasonable to still not want to eat out.

You need a mask in Asda but not in a cafe that’s half the size.. the tables aren’t all distanced and I’ve seen places that don’t clean. What are they cleaning with? Toddler gives me the fear cause everything is licked so I wouldn’t want him licking bleach.

A few weeks ago we were to stay in and avoid each other now it’s ok to pop for a pub lunch.

MIL has a milestone coming, not major, and wants us all to go out to eat.. I’ve said no offered to do something at home, atleast then I know anything the toddler licks is clean.. menus are limited dh is fussy and me and the kids have allergies so we’d be having a plain dry baked potato Envy if we went. But I really don’t feel comfortable. Latest idea was leaving me and the youngest home still taking the licker with them I still said no. It’s been the conversation every night for a fort night.

Am I mad? Is everyone just back to normal now? Would you take small children out to eat at the mo?

OP posts:
NotJustACigar · 08/08/2020 19:03

Having read a lot about the way cases are known to have spread in restaurants especially those with poor ventilation, I wouldn't eat indoors at a restaurant right now. I read accounts of people saying they've done so and "felt safe" and it just seems a strange way to assess risk to me, as if you'd see or feel the virus floating about if it wasn't safe- people who are asymptomatic have been a major cause of spread and the virus is known to be airborne even beyond 6 meters. If you Google you'll find many epidemiologists weighing in on this and it hardly sounds to me like the majority of them are queuing up to go to restaurants right now from their accounts. I trust the scientists way more than I trust the government. To me the reward is simply not worth the risk and for you there isn't really much of a reward anyway.

I would eat outside at a restaurant but it doesn't seem like your MiL is willing to compromise. That's not nice of her - a birthday should not be such a big deal for an adult and it sounds like she's trying to use it to guilt trip you into doing something you're not comfortable with.

clairefrasier · 08/08/2020 19:11

OP - I ate out for the first time last week with my children but YANBU - there is always going to be a risk and will increase the risk by eating out. If you don't want to go as you feel unsafe, you are well within your rights to say no.

Elephantshoe · 08/08/2020 19:46

[quote Shitfuckoh]@SabrinaThwaite
I was thinking the same thing.

Some of the replies to this thread regarding the toddler licking things are so ignorant.
I'm not saying the OPs child does but please do keep in mind that other people read these comments & it's appalling that something as simple as sensory issues, especially in children with autism can bring out such horribleness.[/quote]
FINALLY someone with a bit of common sense AND compassion who sees the other side - the sensory side - of the toddlers licking. FFS, the awful nasty comments on this thread regarding the licking when the OP has already said the child is not very verbal and doesn't recognise his name at nearly 2yrs old... Surely this would make you think first before throwing out the judgement?
Licking things is not normal and I know this as I have a DC who is autistic, ADHD and sensory needs who used to "mouth" and luck everything in the same way a baby does when it's exploring texture.

labyrinthloafer · 08/08/2020 20:29

Dr Bharat Pankhania, senior clinical lecturer at the University of Exeter said I personally think going into a restaurant indoors where there are lots of tables etc in a confined space, without any new attention to increased ventilation, I would say it’s best you avoid it.

This is how I feel, it just seems crazy to me to be heading indoors. Indoors no, outdoors yes.

Terralee · 08/08/2020 21:06

@Goingprivate2020 Try reading the thread regarding OPs child & SN issues before commenting!

Also I've known someone have anaphylactic shock through eating garlic.

goose1964 · 08/08/2020 21:13

I ate out with DD just before masks came in but the restaurant was immaculate and only alternate tables were in use . All the staff wore masks .

BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze · 08/08/2020 21:19

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Goingprivate2020 · 08/08/2020 23:24

Ooh, ‘bitch’ is a bad word for a feminist site, try again? Or perhaps a reasoned argument is beyond you.

Camomila · 08/08/2020 23:43

DS1 came out in massive hives after eating fennel...just because it's not the classic egg/nuts/shellfish doesn't mean someone can't be allergic to it.

OP just don't go, you have lots of good reasons! (licky toddler, unsuitable menu, more than 2 households)

ineedaholidaynow · 09/08/2020 00:04

I know someone who ended up in hospital after eating something with banana in, she now has to carry an epipen. I had never heard of allergy to bananas before then.

ineedaholidaynow · 09/08/2020 00:07

I can't imagine going out for a meal with these combination of issues (even before COVID) was easy.

We haven't been out for a meal yet, and we as a family did enjoy going before. I think I just want to avoid being indoors with other people as much as possible and trying to avoid instances where we could be a contact for test and trace.

Glamazoni · 09/08/2020 00:23

I have chosen not to eat out at present. Everyone talks about getting back to normal, but frankly a second wave is coming and it isn’t time yet to get back to normal. Just because we want everything to be normal doesn’t mean it is. The government wants us to eat out to save the economy, not because it’s safe to do so.

OldFloweryCardigan · 09/08/2020 00:31

I haven't yet eaten out, but I have had a couple of takeaways.
I personally still wouldn't want to go anywhere to eat unless I could sit outside.
I also wouldn't want to share a normal sized table with elderly parents recently out of shielding; I wouldn't go that close to them in normal life in their home / garden (for their sake, not mine) so why on earth is it ok in a restaurant? Remember we're still supposed to be staying 1-2m away from anyone we don't live with but that's not usually possible in a hospitality setting.
I agree - I would much rather make something nice at home, and serve it on adjacent tables in the garden where we could more easily meet the distancing requirements and be sure that the person cooking and serving the food (me!) had been observing social distancing*.

*DD's best friend works as a waitress in a well known pub / restaurant chain and I can promise you she's been doing very little in the way of social distancing in her private and family life for weeks! You just don't know who is serving you, who is touching your dishes and breathing over your dinner.

Diplidally · 09/08/2020 00:39

It’s absolutely your choice what you do. You’re not being unreasonable not to go.

They’re not being unreasonable to go.

It was kind of you to offer to have them round.

SuperCaliFragalistic · 09/08/2020 00:40

I took my kids out for pizza in a restaurant the other day. It was great and they catered for DDs coeliac disease brilliantly but I'm not particularly frightened of the virus and both my kids are good at sitting down sensibly and not licking things so I can see that its different for you. I wouldn't go out to eat a dry potato though - that would seal it for me.

SuperCaliFragalistic · 09/08/2020 00:41

Also if a second wave is coming I sure as hell want to try and enjoy myself while I can. I'm not going to stay in and wait for it.

Midsommar · 09/08/2020 00:46

Sorry if this sounds awful and naive (I don't have children) but why does your toddler lick everything?

Osirus · 09/08/2020 01:18

@Midsommar

Sorry if this sounds awful and naive (I don't have children) but why does your toddler lick everything?
If you read the OP’s comments you’ll see. And it’s actually not that difficult to think of a few reasons.
LadyEloise · 09/08/2020 06:45

Look at it from mil's partner's family point of view - " Oh no, we'll have to eat out with that child who licks everything !" Smile

Sockwomble · 09/08/2020 07:02

"Sorry if this sounds awful and naive (I don't have children) but why does your toddler lick everything?"

My nearly 16 year old still mouths everything. People who are at that developmental or sensory stage do.

We won't be eating out even without ds. It is not worth the possibility of 14 days self isolation.

SoupDragon · 09/08/2020 07:42

@Goingprivate2020

Ooh, ‘bitch’ is a bad word for a feminist site, try again? Or perhaps a reasoned argument is beyond you.
Maybe try not being ignorant yourself before suggesting others are beyond giving a reasoned argument. Your ignorance about allergies shines through your first post like a beacon.
Dee1975 · 09/08/2020 07:57

I don’t think it’s a case of you being unreasonable or not, some people on here need to be kinder and respect your anxiety on C19.
I got a little stick on here a while back for asking about takeaways (during the mist of full lockdown; I was worried about them. Worth mentioning I was one of those people who wiped their shopping down before I put it away and left amazon packages in the garage for x days!). It’s about doing what you feel comfortable with. Yes we all have to learn to live with it, but people need to be kinder that others may take longer to adjust. (And with ‘licker’ I’d be worried too).
As infections rates are lower and things are relaxing, I don’t wipe my shopping any more. We’ve been out to eat a few times. (Which have been fine with SD and the place felt clean, you could see cleaning etc ...). And I am comfortable with doing so.
It’s about finding the balance that suits you.
I think the offer of cooking at your house is a nice one. But not in the same night. Let the rest of the family go and enjoy and do something for your MIL on a different night.

Oblomov20 · 09/08/2020 08:02

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saraclara · 09/08/2020 08:12

@Midsommar

Sorry if this sounds awful and naive (I don't have children) but why does your toddler lick everything?
Read the thread. Or at least press "see all" at the bottom left of the OP (or in the options behind the funnel symbol in the app) and read the OP's updates.
Ponoka7 · 09/08/2020 08:16

@LadyEloise, some people accept the behaviour consequences of those with disabilities, we aren't all bigoted.

OP, it's for everyone to risk asses themselves. I wouldn't have eaten out with my Autistic DD at 2, it wasn't fun and little was eaten without allergies thrown in. You sometimes have to limit your life when you have a child with disabilities.

There's no reason why your DH shouldn't go.

Covid is fastly circulating in the 19-25s and as we mix more it will hit the vulnerable population again. It's up to everyone to weigh up their own risks and what they can manage. During flu season (pre vaccine) or Norovirus outbreaks people would cut down on their movements without ridicule, yet here we are mid global pandemic and we are consided ridiculous for not wanting to eat out in crappy cafes with limited menus.

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