The bloody British class system

[notth]

Nc for this.

I live in the UK but am not from here.

My DP and all his friends are very public school and old money and I really get the impression that they judge me and look down on me (not him, obviously).

Is it because I'm from Aus or because I don't fit into things or very clearly not as educated at them?!

I get this impression especially from the girls.

I've read on mn lots that properly posh people aren't snobby .... but it's not true is it?

I’ve experienced the same thing in my past. I was off and on with a guy for years (boarding school, domestic staff, an ‘allowance’ even though he was very much an adult etc.). The wives of his friends were really horrible to me, very catty and exclusionary. They all (him included, actually) assumed a lot about me and things I ‘wouldn’t get’ or ‘couldn’t do’. Things like skiing, for example, they told him not to bring me but when questioned he said it was because they assumed I wouldn’t know how. A few years in I was just being ‘hidden’ and it became obvious and annoying.

Your DP sounds nice, and like he’s not putting up with it like my ex did. When I finally finished with him he said we were from ‘different worlds’ and it was awkward. I am middle middle class with a professional job and my own money, but to some people it’s all about where that money comes from.

@TatianaBis

What school you went to is just a shortcut to finding if you have any friends/acquaintances in common.

It's about deciding what class you are in. Bit like when they ask where you like to ski.

I went skiing once with my (private day) school. I loved to so took my husband and our children when they were 3/5 and 7. It wasn't a class thing however. I just like mountains and outdoors and nature.

I wasn't clear, it's not the activity itself, it is the fact it costs money and requires equipment.

@Xenia but you first went skiing via your private school (costs attached) plus skiing is an expensive hobby - not because people with less money don't enjoy nice things but because it's an expensive holiday once you've factored in lift passes, clothes equipment. And the question where do you ski doesn't really do you ski - it means do you ski in Switzerland or a nice French resort or actually in Andorra or Bulgaria?

I've learned a lot about the real meaning of questions.

OP, I know exactly what you mean.

I come from a pretty poor background, but did grow up in a ‘naice’ village in the countryside with a fair few ‘toffs’ for want of a better word. I had a pony at stages (when my parents could afford it) and went to YFC (young farmers) and was very good friends my whole life with a ‘posh’ girl.

Through the YFC and my friend I met some very posh people and ended up dating a very wealthy man when I was in my mid 20’s. He was 30, gorgeous and very very old money rich. I was pretty besotted with him....but my god, his family, his friends and their wives were just absolutely awful. Once they found out i didn’t go to private school and didn’t own 500 hectares, they didn’t want to known me. The women were awful, would just completely ignore me, I’m quite good at socialising and making conversation, I even knew some of these women through the local riding club so there was conversation to be had, but they wouldn’t entertain it. My ex said it was because I was pretty and they were jealous, no, it was because I wasn’t a braying snob with a title.

Him and I saw each other, on and off for 5 years, but I ended it fully 6 months before I met my now (lovely) husband as ex was ashamed of me. He’d never admit it, but he was and I knew I’d never fit in with his circle and didn’t want to spend my life miserable on the outside trying. I didn’t even WANT to be accepted by those awful snobs towards the end, it’s laughable.

I still see some of them sometimes and funnily enough they’re keen to say hello (as there’s no danger of me trying to infiltrate their precious world now) I just smile sweetly and sail past. A load of two faced, nasty bitches.

I’d echo the advice of the poster that said be PROUD of who you are and don’t try and ‘fit in’ they are more likely to accept you that way. Though my main advice would be to choose a partner who won’t let the women in his group treat you like shit. Choose a partner who isn’t immersed in such a superficial, snobby world.

@wiltingflower I have found it very easy to make friends with work -people in London are very open to meeting a variety of people and also there's a really good network of Aussies here who just kind of scoop you up and include and you meet their friends of friends etc.

This is the only social group I've felt this with and it's the only social group I know that seem v posh / monied.

They don't all look exactly the same - ie different hair colours / heights etc. But all mid lengthy straight hair that either isn't dyed or it's very subtle. Pretty much all have v nice teeth but not super white.

Not much make up and dress quite casually but it all looks really fancy - lots of cashmere and doubt their jeans come from topshop. We did have a wedding booked in but it was postponed due to covid and I was intrigued to see the dress code there.

Not much jewellery but all have huge engagement rings - either trilogy rings or ones like rubies that look heirloom.

They are all very confident and have very posh accents but not bubbly or loud.

To be fair - they all look lovely even if they can be bitchy.

@wiltingflower oh and never seen them wear heels.

Plus in winter a lot of tweed when going on walks and brown hats and always a hip flask

@TatianaBis I don't think so - surely there are so many schools in the UK, there's such a small chance they'd know someone you know from school - unless they mean which school out of the handful of public schools did you go to?

[quote notth]@TatianaBis I don't think so - surely there are so many schools in the UK, there's such a small chance they'd know someone you know from school - unless they mean which school out of the handful of public schools did you go to?[/quote]
It really depends.

For snobby people it can be a way of placing people socially - private school in general, public school in particular.

But generally - it’s a widely used middle to upper class tool to see if you have connections in common. Same as asking where you work or where you grew up.

Absolutely. I am very grateful to my parents for funding that one school trip - we went to Norway on a boat. It was absolutely beautiful. When I went back to skiing as an adult it wasn't for social cachet - it was just I had loved it. I agree that just as we look at people and make assumptions about them most people also try to find out about other people by questions they ask them although some questions end up being rude. That is one reason the Queen tends to ask neutral things like - Have you come far today when meeting people rather than putting her foot in it.

I and most people try to find connections. It is a very useful skill actually. I have given 1700 public talks and I can get the audience to take part if I can find a connection eg they came from NE England as I did or they have children and work full time or whatever it is it tends to help people to bond. The secret is doing it well and wisely rather than with the aim of putting others down. I have never been bothered by anyone asking me any questions as I suppose I just feel totally secure with how I am and what I have done with my life. I don't thikn that sense of security comes from class or whether you have moved to a different area or group of people. I think it comes from how your parents brought you up, if you had love as a child and that kind of thing - internal self worth.

First of all please do stop calling grown men and women 'boys and girls'. They're not children.

Secondly it sounds more like they are just a group of arseholes. You get them everywhere.

And yes there are plenty of snobs in Australia. I'm married to an Aussie and I can tell you Melbourne has plenty of people who behave in the same way.

Finally - smile and nod. Ignore. Celebrate your differences. Your DP obviously didn't want to be with one of these types of women so revel in that.

Op I doubt they dislike - or appear to dislike you because you’re Australian.
You seem keen on stereotyping your dh’s friends and you probably come over as unfriendly and defensive.

Through the YFC and my friend I met some very posh people and ended up dating a very wealthy man when I was in my mid 20’s. I went to the YFC but not in an area where people were as you describe. However farmers tend to marry each other. It's a particular social group which is hard to break into.

@eaglejulesk, of course I’m aware of that - who on earth isn’t? - but you’ve nicely reinforced my point, that people who whinge and moan about the country they’ve actively chosen to live and work in, are a PITA whichever country it happens to be.

To the OP I’d say that unfortunately some groups of girls/women are cliquey and bitchy wherever and whoever you or they are. A Swedish girl we knew who was working for a Spanish Co. in London (she had fluent Spanish) found that her largely Spanish female colleagues cold shouldered her from the start, never included her in any socialising. It made her very unhappy.
I could only assume that it wasn’t just that she wasn’t Spanish - it was also because she was blonde and very pretty.

@eaglejulesk I don't whinge and moan about the country, I've just come across one group (out of many) that haven't been friendly and I'm entitled to wonder why this is.

If you're attitude is that if 'you're not from here' you're not allowed an opinion on anything then.....

@eaglejulesk sorry I tagged the wrong person, apologies!

@notth - no worries! (I'm actually from NZ myself)