The bloody British class system

[notth]

Nc for this.

I live in the UK but am not from here.

My DP and all his friends are very public school and old money and I really get the impression that they judge me and look down on me (not him, obviously).

Is it because I'm from Aus or because I don't fit into things or very clearly not as educated at them?!

I get this impression especially from the girls.

I've read on mn lots that properly posh people aren't snobby .... but it's not true is it?

There are awful people in all classes and also from Australia and nice people in all groups.

I would never be rude to anyone but in terms of conversaion I prefer to chat to interesting people (who of course can be of all classes) who are very fast and very bright. The original poster may well be very clever and interesting to the others or perhaps not and may be that is the issue more than class. Eg Rishi Sunak, very clever - would be good to talk to over dinner. prince Harry - didn't even get to university, has his mother'[s brains not someone to spend much time with. for me it tends to be a brains issue.

Find better friends. I’m not British, but IME no country has a greater obsession with class than the UK. However, it is perfectly possible to find individuals who think beyond outdated, rigid, and frankly stupid stereotypes about social classes. Unless you enjoy the company of these people, my best advice is to avoid spending time with them. Look for more like-minded friends.

It’s more likely they are just a bunch of twats. To them you are an outsider and to make it even worse a foreigner.
I get the same shit when I visit my dh’s home Country (South Africa) and we have to socialise with his mega rich old Uni mates. The men are usually ok, but bloody hell the wives...!!

They don't sound like proper posh ppl to me tbh. IME these folk are very nice , non judgemental and kind. Tighter than a ducks arse and most ride , shoot, hunt, are not fussy with hygiene and clothes, always thin, still smoke and have big run down houses with loads of Dogs in them. The kids always go to public schools and they have holiday homes in Salcombe or such like . Parents are Consultants , Judges, QC'S , MP'S , etc all earning mega bucks or own a lot of property & land and have tenant farmers. They don't spend a lot on birthday presents or presents of any type really. The name of the game is outdoors, dogs, log fires & they go to church and the ladies do the flowers . Do they do any of this ? If so then they are proper posh and l am very surprised they are not nice to you .

@notth

Nc for this.

I live in the UK but am not from here.

My DP and all his friends are very public school and old money and I really get the impression that they judge me and look down on me (not him, obviously).

Is it because I'm from Aus or because I don't fit into things or very clearly not as educated at them?!

I get this impression especially from the girls.

I've read on mn lots that properly posh people aren't snobby .... but it's not true is it?

It is true in my experience. Maybe you are a bit 'chippy' about them which is a form of snobbery in itself.

In my experience Australians go down very well in any situation; you may be the exception of course :-).

@lockitdown

She may have meant a watch...who wears a watch these days?

Uh...me? Am I so terribly not with it?

I've read on mn lots that properly posh people aren't snobby .... but it's not true is it?

Absolutely not true. Some "properly posh" people are the most insufferable snobs (and crashing bores). And others are perfectly lovely. But the idea that the truly posh are all wonderfully open-minded and would never dream of looking down on others? Simply a myth, I'm afraid.

Ginger1982 Fri 07-Aug-20 20:54:55
lockitdown

She may have meant a watch...who wears a watch these days?

Uh...me? Am I so terribly not with it?
.......
I wear one too but it is unfashionable amongst younger people not to, nothing to do with 'class'.

If you're upper class and "cliquey", and deliberately exclude those who are from a different background, then there's no practical difference between that and being a snob. It's exactly the same thing.

I ride, and I used to event, and I knew some properly posh people through that (I'm talking family own country houses, titled, etc), as well as others who were upper class/upper middle. There's a difference for some of them, I think, between being friendly and polite to someone from outside your "set" and thinking they're an acceptable partner for your brother/male friend. A lot of the girls got quite catty when a man from their group is in a relationship with someone who isn't one of them. I'm not saying it's true of all upper class/wealthy people, but I know the behaviour that OP is describing.

I do totally get what you mean, OP- ignore those who say it's a problem with you. They either haven't been on the receiving end of this sort of thing, or they know what is going on but don't want to acknowledge it for some reason (possibly their own weird ideas about class). I've seen it happen more than once to friends who were deemed unsuitable to date certain boys. It's a very subtle, but deliberate bitchiness and exclusion.

Anyway, yes it does happen, yes it is a form of snobbishness, and unfortunately I don't think there will be a way to solve it. It might, possibly get toned down a bit if he actually marries you, though.

Oh, and I'm a few years younger than the OP and wear a watch, and lots of my friends do- nothing unfashionable about it.

I don't think most people who are truly wealthy obsess over class. Of course there's some exceptions. I'd say I grew up relatively wealthy (think private school and au pairs) but my parents had lots of working class friends who they grew up with etc. Saying that I know some people who are very uppity. The class system is so outdated and Britian is one of the only countries it's still "a thing"

Bohemian upper class collect friends from different backgrounds as a hobby. Regular upper class do not.

It may depend on your age and life experiences. I had a boyfriend like this when I was in my early 20s and I was so paranoid about what they thought of me, that I started to distance myself from family and friends that I thought may embarrass me. When we split up, I realised that I needed to be the authentic me, be happy and be proud of who I am and my more humble beginnings. Old money, are too eager too be at authentic snobs. Show your own personality, and nationality and be proud. You will find they will warm to you when you show that side. You cannot buy true happiness and confidence. Don’t let them knock you!

I currently work in a private school and have been completely fascinated by the class system there. I feel like an anthropologist much of the time. It’s working there that made me realise what my mother in law aspires toward. I read Watching the English to help me navigate it all, as I was a bit ignorant about it.

Possibly they might just be a bit pissed off at you referring to them as girls! Once had an Aussie boss who used to say'very loudly' every morning "how are you girls?" "Now girls, we need to talk about x later". Still makes me shudder.

Bohemian upper class collect friends from different backgrounds as a hobby. Regular upper class do not.

THIS.

My DM and DF have been friends with many of this group. However she also walked out on a job with a genuine Duchess as she said she was such an unpleasant cow.

Is it a solo/lower range? If she was implying that your watch was cheap enough for her to wear as a child, then she's a bitch.

@RumpoleoftheBaileys it's the tank so I do think maybe quite standard but I really love it! Maybe it's not seen as very chic in these circles!

@RumpoleoftheBaileys and yes that's what I thought she was implying...

It's because you're from Aus. Sorry.

People are tribal. A class is a tribe. If you're not part of the tribe you're not part of it and those in the tribe know straightaway. You just don't have the same shared experience currency.

This is true the world over btw. Every country has a class system, every country has its tribes. Ever been to India? For an example of a truly rigid class system that's hard to beat.

Likewise, as an Australian you have your bogdans and your administration's appalling attitude to indigenous peoples and also to your geographically closest neighbours.

That said, most of the time, as an immigrant you're usually viewed as outside of the class system in whichever country you end up in. For men more than women but it still applies. However you will be seen as an outsider in general. That's just how it is as an immigrant. You don't have the same shared experiences or cultural currency. Doesn't mean you're less, just means you've less in common. You must feel this too, talking to these people, that there's a kind of separation. It's normal.

@jessstan2

Ginger1982 Fri 07-Aug-20 20:54:55 lockitdown

She may have meant a watch...who wears a watch these days?

Uh...me? Am I so terribly not with it?
.......
I wear one too but it is unfashionable amongst younger people not to, nothing to do with 'class'.

Really? Gosh. I thought I was still young at 37 but obviously not! 😆

Oh yeah and as for the working class and upper class getting along, I completely agree with a pp that it's at arm's length. I mean, no one is rude or point scorey but only because there's no chance of competition or crossover whatsoever. They might be nice to you but they're not going to invite you to their daughter's wedding. Or even for dinner. Or drinks.

You get good and bad in all of society I tend to find this is normally a lack of understanding or a feeling of insecurity.

@TheKarenWhoKnocks has nailed it. Despite assertions to the contrary, everywhere has its own 'class' system, people are hardwired to form groups/tribes 'like them' and aspire to belong to some groups and not others.

It may be more nakedly based on money, or religion, or ethnicity than the U.K. but I have lived in a few countries, and there is a social hierarchy/distinct tribes in all of them. I have no idea where the impression comes from that only the U.K. has 'a class system'.

OP, whether they are old friends and bitches or you aren't 'their sort of people' I wouldn't worry too much! Hopefully you have plenty of other friends that you don't need these ones, and maybe you'll find common ground one day anyway. Basically, don't take it too personally!