The bloody British class system

[notth]

Nc for this.

I live in the UK but am not from here.

My DP and all his friends are very public school and old money and I really get the impression that they judge me and look down on me (not him, obviously).

Is it because I'm from Aus or because I don't fit into things or very clearly not as educated at them?!

I get this impression especially from the girls.

I've read on mn lots that properly posh people aren't snobby .... but it's not true is it?

OP, yes I get what you are saying, as a fellow Aussie married to a public school boy. Nothing overt or rude, just very aware I’m different and will never fit in especially with the girls. They are perfectly polite When we visit but They would never invite me to anything or go out of their way to include me etc They are just not quite sure how to place me, I think. I don’t think it’s malicious, either, more a case that they live in their own country with all their long term friends are not desperate for new ones or accustomed to making new ones (as they stay with their school clique).

The person I know who most embodies upper class is my MIL, and she spends her life doing things for other people. She volunteers, runs things, takes minutes, drops things off, everything. She's 79 and shouldn't really be driving but there is no sign of her ever stopping.

My mum - working class origins but similar income level as MIL - does nothing for anyone other than herself.

[quote notth]@lockitdown but maybe it was because wearing watches aren't 'in' - I didn't know that![/quote]
But then that would have been a slight on your partner for buying one.

It was perhaps just conversation.

You are just not PLU darling.
People Like Us.

My family is “posh”. We are in the relevant books listing English aristocracy. There is a great deal of (old) money. The family is very large. My family members are not snobs. Or certainly noticeably less so than more many middle class people I know. I do find the middle classes are hugely more judgemental about various class related matters.

Snobbery normally comes from a place of insecurity and jealousy. The more privileged a person, the more they have been able to have experiences which have showed them the rich tapestry which comes from acceptance of others, no matter what their background.

I have occasionally been accused of being a snob. When I insist on an explanation from my accusers, it has transpired (without exception) that they have confused my having an RP accent with being a snob.

If these people are being horrible to you, and trying to belittle you, it’s because they’re dicks. And not as posh as they’d like to think they are, I should think.

However, I am perfectly prepared to accept that there are many very genuinely posh people who are total twats too!

I think the so-called middle classes are the worst for this kind of behaviour. I've never encountered so much one-up-man-ship and try-hard behaviour as I have in my very middle class village. If you are not thin, a doctor/accountant/lawyer, drive an Audi and go on at least two hols per year then you are out.

It's hard not to feel pushed out. I am fattish, drive a Kia and am lucky to go on hols once a year. What they don't know is that my family is very posh- my uncle is a Lord- but I like to keep that to myself and snigger 😂

Trust me, it’s worse being a chav and being born here, than being Australian. There’s serious discrimination, and it’s disguised as ‘oh a bit of snobbery’.
Not nice

[quote notth]@lockitdown true.

Another example is for my 30th my DP bought me Cartier watch which to me is the best thing ever and one of the girls was like 'oh wow, I think I had one of those when I was 16'.

[/quote]
That remark has nothing to do with class, and everything to do with her being a complete bitch.

But it sounds like you are judging them for their money, their schooling, their clothes and what they have in common. You are blaming the fact that they are British and "posh" for their not liking you. They probably like you just fine but have you been warm and friendly and keen to get to know these women as individuals or have you written them all off as "a class" - and that's all there is to them.

Try to get to know them - as people you might find that you share a love of Mexcian food with X or a sense of humour with Y or a passion for motorbikes with Z. Who knows? And you won't whilst you see them as nothing more than a collective representation of the Bloody British Class System.

Sorry what I mean by that is that it's all a load of rubbish. Who cares who has money, cars, titles etc. We are not well off at all and I don't care who knows it.

Makes you feel like shite though when you are excluded for a stupid reason like that. I'm often left out of things because people perceive me a different way. I'm trying to rise above and stick to my real friends.

Theyre jeaolous bitches. Just carry on being yourself.

I always thought middle-class people were supposed to be the worst snobs because they're trying too hard to compensate and care the most about what other people think.

OP, these people sound like a bunch of twats. Pay them no mind. Easier said than done, I know.

It could be much worse. You could be a Yank. Look at how people talk about Meghan Markle.

It isn't necessarily class but it probably is but my experience of this group of people is they are often very cliquey, have a lot of shared experiences that they expect you to know and if you don't you can easily feel pushed out.

They can sometimes be quite superficial as well having had to make friendships very quickly at boarding school - so give the appearance of being very confident and friendly but without there necessarily being a lot behind it.

Think Boris - looks very affable, actually knows nothing and would stab you in the back, his only loyalty is to himself and a very small group of mates with shared experiences at boarding school, regardless of how appalling these mates turn out to be later in life. They have been hollowed out by their mixture of boarding school and priviledge.

@LaurieFairyCake

If they're actually proper posh then it's more likely to be cliquey

All that stuff about how proper posh people are friendly is true - but that doesn't mean they will become ACTUAL friends with you

The aristo near me where I grew up was lovely, her family had lived there 500 years - I still knew no one who was actually friends with her - and it was a very small place

There are two / three (you'll see why I put 3 in a minute) in our village. Neither likes the other -one is a castle type house with acres and its own folly etc. They associate with no one in the village at all. All their friends are in London.

Second is in the huge Manor at the other end of the village. She is retired and clearly wants "friends" but her problem is she talks to everyone else like they are "stupid". Literally. The whole village is full of doctors and barristers etc and she lifted an eyebrow when she noticed I had a title (academic). She then was quite scary with being very full on wanting to be friends etc -due to lockdown we have not been around. But she is too full on. Also she assumes we have a huge amount of money -I know a horse DD1 can buy etc -err just stop please.
The third likes to think of herself as the "local celebrity" she is a formed singer and loaded. She lives in the old vicarage -and well -people didn't take kindly to clicking her fingers at them.

The true blue bloods don't look down on people but are aware of hangers on. Hold your own. Don't feel inferior.

Sorry dsylexic -Former singer...........

Hard to say.

They might be complacent snobby knobs, it might be cultural because you are more Aussie in your communication and expectation and they have lived too much in a class / boarding school bubble to realise that not everyone thinks and behaved like them.

I wouldn’t be referring to them as boys and girls, though.

Sounds like a clique to me rather than snobbishness per se. I reckon they are worst wherever people don’t have to move out of their comfort zones, local areas, and have friends from school etc. I’ve just had a similar experience with working/middle class local mums at the park.

I’ve always found the friendliest people are those who’ve moved away and know what it’s like to be an outsider.

@notth - it’s nothing to do with class, it’s just a certain type of insecure personality that has to be part of a little clique/gang for self-validation purposes, and they exist in all classes, in my experience. I feel sorry for them for being so pathetically scared of life that they feel the need to bully or undermine anyone that threatens their sense of security and stability.

I've read on mn lots that properly posh people aren't snobby .... but it's not true is it?

No it’s not.

Read the novel Snobs by Julian fellowes who also wrote downton abbey. That should explain a lot. I went to a uni with a lot of very posh people and I absolutely get what you are saying.

I have found the opposite, I've both worked for the born wealthy and met/ socialised at school events.
I have found them to be very good at socialising, skills that i could only dream of.
Even working I never felt looked down on, more respected for the job I was doing, if anything.
They might just be unpleasant and see you as a threat to their established group. That's nothing to do with class.

If they are talking about school, on more than one occasion there has been a pause, look to me and 'boarding school'.

That’s odd, most people would just talk about school, you don’t tend to be more specific or use the term ‘boarding school’ really. They don’t sound very ‘old money’ as you put it.

I feel really bad for you. Women can be so hard on other women at times and it could be just that you're different to them or prettier or younger. You sound really nice and I'd just concentrate on making genuine friends rather than worrying about the partners of your DH's friends. Or is there any way you could just meet up with one couple at a time so they can get to know you properly? I've lived abroad and it does take a while to be accepted and I found making friends with other expats was much easier.

Properly posh people are definitely often if not always snobby, and are perfectly upwardly mobile as well sometimes, just with a more euro-aristo crowd. My vvv posh friend’s mum was always trying to get her and her sister on Tatler lists (‘possible girlfriends for prince will’ etc) and when I rolled up you could see her almost hysterically thinking ‘why are you WASTING your TIME with her, she can do NOTHING for you!!!’