The bloody British class system

[notth]

Nc for this.

I live in the UK but am not from here.

My DP and all his friends are very public school and old money and I really get the impression that they judge me and look down on me (not him, obviously).

Is it because I'm from Aus or because I don't fit into things or very clearly not as educated at them?!

I get this impression especially from the girls.

I've read on mn lots that properly posh people aren't snobby .... but it's not true is it?

They sound very boring, do the men and women tend to group together at social events? Maybe stick to the men! But also do you get stuck into a conversation? It seems from the few comments on here that you might be quite passive and wait for others to talk to you and when they do they miss the mark because they don’t actually know much about you other than the fact you’re Australian.

The queen could get a checkout job and move to a council house. She wouldn't be working class

But it would be marvellous wouldn't it? Her name badge would say "Hello, our name is Liz", and every transaction would begin "And what do you do?" and end with "Does one have a Nectar Card?" grin"

This is what you want to read 😁
www.amazon.co.uk/Queen-I-Sue-Townsend/dp/0241958377/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=sue+townsend+the+queen+and+i&sprefix=sue+townsend+&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1596863025&sr=8-1

I agree, they sound very boring - and are probably jealous because you are from Australia! Just ignore them and carry on being yourself- which will probably irritate them

I went to boarding school. We had socials with other posh schools. I also went to university with the child of a billionaire. All the posh kids gravitated towards this person. to me its all a façade. Who cares where a person went to school. Boarding school for me was 23 years ago...why would this still come up in conversation. I am more proud of my achievements since I left school. Private school also doesn't garauntee good life choices. If this is what us keeping them going they need to grow up.

I categorise this behaviour as 'status anxiety'. Viewing it this way means that I see this type of behaviour as damaging to the psyche of people that part take. To me they are more than likely unhappy in themselves.

OP I think I probably was at uni with them (or their sisters). I'd hoped they'd have grown out of it by now. 😉

I've met a few women like this since (also some of their French counterparts - it's not just a British thing).

My advice would first be to not worry if they don't like you. In fact it's positive, because they tend to only like women like them.

Secondly you have two options. Either try to be like them (not advised), or focus on inhabiting who you are totally unashamedly. So, she makes the bitchy comment about you birthday present (and here's no doubt that that wasn't a neutral observation!) and you reply with something along the lines of "wow weren't you lucky, that wasn't normal for my friends when we were 16". And say it nicely but rooted in yourself, not trying to win her over (you won't). The point is to assert yourself and not let your history be made "less than".

Their behaviour can make you feel really bad or inferior. The reasons behind it maybe aren't relevant (but I agree with what you've said so I think you know anyway). The people I've seen who manage to rub along with women like this are the ones who are solid in their own background and identity, and unashamedly so. So basically it's obvious you're not trying to be like them, you see there's a difference but hold yourself and your life experiences equally valid.

And making a joke about their bitchy comments can help too. So to things like the "[pause] boarding school" remark, it's ok to laugh and say "aah yes! Boarding school! Such a funny British thing!" as though she was talking about cycling to school on a unicycle. A sort of curiosity!

And for this, your non-British status, as well as specifically Australianness is a great advantage!

But please try to make sure you guys socialise with other people too. You can't spend the rest of your life doing dinners/weekends away with only them. Because they may change their attitude towards you later (maybe not) but in the meantime, you need to be around women who are actively nice.

I don’t know anyone who would ever look down at an Australian.
I thought everyone looked down on Australians!!
Neighbours would encourage that if nothing had before. They were a bit unsophisticated and not v educated.
But in the past I mean, I don't look down on them now, or at least not the non-sportpersons
I'm Scottish, I'm sure a lot of people look down in us - stingey and heavy drinkers - which isn't that far from the truth, fortunately we have many good apsects too.
You can find a reason to look down on anyone if you choose to.

Or it may just be your 'friends' are knobs. Get better friends.

I don’t think it’s much to do with class and all to do with you being ‘different’... or just new.
They sound very like how some of my now-husbands female friends/girlfriends of friends were when we first met. They showed themselves up to be nasty so and sos, and he’s since phased them out.
If it helps to allay your fears of being left out/‘looked down on’ for your class, I would be classed as ‘posh’ and most of them, not so. Didn’t matter to me, and I don’t think it was a factor in them being arseholes either. I was just new and an outsider.

Have you met his parents yet?

The very posh are not as openly snobbish as the middle classes and may come across nicer at first but they will never let you in their inner circle. You have to have moved into the same circles since you were born. Ie same schools, parents know each other etc

You are right, you will never fit in, just be nice when you have to and find friends who share your vibe...

I can’t bear that type of girl. Utterly hideous.

Ireola, good point re status anxiety. I don't know why people get so worked about these things. I couldn't care less if people think I am any kind of class. I can be almost anything - the person from the NE from a mining family, the person from a private school in the NE with someone titled in the class (and I still admire my parents for being perfectly happy my best friend was the girl from probably the most different (i.e. working class) family in the class - that was the lesson - we treat everyone the same and we like them for what they are not who their parents are or their money). I never feel worse or different or lesser from others or better for that matter other than totally objective things like I don't seem to get ill much so my health so far seems better than most people

The mere fact that you say ‘the bloody British class system’ does make me wonder (sorry) whether you’re one of those Aussies who moans a lot about all sorts in the U.K., esp. the weather.

I say this because both my dds have in the past been fed up with Aussie colleagues in London offices who moaned a lot about this or that in the U.K. being shit - esp. when it was about the weather - had they imagined they were coming to work in a Mediterranean climate or what?

I don’t suppose you’re one of those but in case you are, that’s probably enough for people to give you the cold shoulder.

The mere fact that you say ‘the bloody British class system’ does make me wonder (sorry) whether you’re one of those Aussies who moans a lot about all sorts in the U.K., esp. the weather.

That's quite a funny post - you do realise that in Australia & NZ people talk about "whinging poms" for the same situation in reverse!

I agree with Sansasnark that being cliquey is very much a form of snobbishness because it is exclusionary.

OP @notth please say "fckn OATH" in enthusiastic exclamation next time someone has something to say about a subject. It has to happen, just so you can watch their confused faces 😩👏🏼

Don't ever try to fit in. You sound lovely. They? Less so.

IME public schools and money attract just as wide a variety of people as others. But there's definitely an irritating cliquiness that seems to come through and you not coming from money AND being a "colonial" will absolutely affect the way you are viewed. Plus, as you've experienced, the patronising ridiculous comments.

Honestly, I'd say lower your expectations - your DP and you probably thought you could all just be one big happy group, but that's clearly not going to happen. And, to be fair, this is often the case in all kinds of relationships. DH gets on with all of my good friends' partners and me with his, but we've never established happy little couple groups. Over time, socialising with this group exclusively will change and shift.

Oh, and agree completely with @minimagician 's tips on handling these. OWN who you are. Feel free to be a bit patronising back about them. "Ooh, in Australia we'd never give an expensive watch to a child. we like to teach children the value of things and an expensive watch, for no reason, that will probably get lost or broken is just encouraging children to be careless and not understand the importance of hard work"

Best advice on this thread @JuniperFather

I have a best friend who's from a 'posh' background, i met her through work.
I went clubbing with her other friends a few years ago & one of the men was a proper aristocrat who at first showed interest in me.
Then came his chat up line 'where did you go to school' I gave the name of the local sink comprehensive which he'd clearly never heard of... he looked very puzzled so I stupidly explained. I didn't realise that where you went to school was so important to people in their mid 30s!! Anyway no more chat up lines came my way.
Sad.

@Terralee yup - what school did you go to comes up a lot. It's very weird as when they say school they mean 'which public school that I have heard of'

What school you went to is just a shortcut to finding if you have any friends/acquaintances in common.

The very posh are not as openly snobbish as the middle classes

More myth.

They're probably gobsmacked that you don't look like a horse.

I agree with @SansaSnark. I’m not originally from the UK but circumstances have meant that I’ve socialised a fair bit with minor aristocracy, County types, and a lot of Old Etonians in particular. In most cases perfectly polite and cordial to people outside their tribe, but the acronym ‘NQOC’ isn’t fictional.

I'm so intrigued by this! Mainly because I've always assumed that if you come from a different majority English speaking country (don't know if I've phrased this right), socially you'd still be ok in England.

I think what you are experiencing is what any person who wasn't as posh or moneyed as them would experience, whether you were Australian or not. They don't sound like nice people or company worth keeping.

On a side note and out of supreme curiosity because I always enjoying reading 'how to be effortless/look rich/chic/etc' threads, when you say 'they all just seem the same - look/dress/speak the same', please go into more detail?