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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Huge row with mum on holiday

493 replies

Hopscotch27 · 07/08/2020 11:11

I booked a 10 day holiday for me, DS 1, DS2, DH & my mum, to the Isle of Wight. All has been well & good.......I had planned days out & pre-booked attractions. One of the days I wanted to do with DS 1 (who’s 6) is to take him to Blackgang Chine. I was hoping one of the other adults (either DH or Mum) would have DS2 for the day, (he’s 20 months) back at the resort, where he would have been perfectly happy taking it easy, playing in the on-site playground, having his lunchtime snooze, paddling in the sea. I wanted to spend just one day with the older son, without having to run around after a rampant toddler. I hadn’t booked this attraction in advance. I was waiting to have a conversation around it.

So yesterday we talked. Mum clearly wanted to go herself, & somehow managed to convince me we should ALL go so I booked tickets for everyone. This morning I woke up with baby early, I said to mum that I’d stay on-site with baby as I was tired, he hadn’t slept well & I would rather him have quiet day just being in his normal routine.

I said her and DH could take DS1 as if baby came along too I’d find it hard to go on the rides/dedicate one-to one time with the older one. Even if someone else looked after baby whilst we were there I’d be conscious of wanting to feed him at the right time, settle him in the buggy for his kip etc etc. Just mummy mode really and i’d still be focused more on baby at those times than the older one.

Ultimately I just wanted the older one to have a good day and so I thought if the other two adults took him & I stayed back that would work out. It wasn’t what I had planned & I was a bit frustrated that my idea had been vetoed but I was prepared to scrap my plan to be with DS1 to give baby a restful day & ensure DS1 had a fun day.

Well mum just blew up. She said “so you’re changing everything at the last minute,” & “I can look after the baby, I know how to look after babies,” & “I’m angry at you for ruining this,” (which really fucking pissed me off as she wouldn’t even be on holiday had it not been for me.) Then she said “I’m not having it, we’re all going, I’m really angry at you for doing this.”

She was super-cross. I felt like I was under attack! So I just said to her that I thought she had issues! And that she was edging for a row, to which she replied “I am! With you.”

So long story short, we all ended up going, baby fell asleep in the car 5 mins from the destination and I’m now sat in the car with baby whilst they’ve both fucked off into the Park with DS1. And I’m bloody livid. And a bit sad. AIBU to feel like this? I don’t ever get a break from being with baby, I just wanted one fucking day with the other son & I feel I’ve been completely vetoed by my mum who’s put her wants & needs above everyone else’s. FFS

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/08/2020 13:42

So if I "plan" something and others fuck that up I go nuts

Are you seeking help for this?

Quartz2208 · 07/08/2020 13:42

OP where was your husband in this - and why would it have been you running around after him

DS has always gone on days out since he was a newborn and he adapted pretty fast

diddl · 07/08/2020 13:43

So you couldn't enjoy time with your 6yr old whilst having the two other adults look after a 20month old?

Isn't that what your mum was pissed off about?

Wolfgirrl · 07/08/2020 13:43

Ah what a treat to do as your daughter says, unless when you pay for someone they agree to be an on tap babysitter, perhaps the mum thought they just wanted to spend time together.

@Staplemaple you're taking what I said to an extreme and being ridiculous. And you know it.

9 days out of 10 together would not be an 'on tap' babysitter. And I would expect the same if they had asked along an aunt, cousin or friend.it would just be a nice way of saying thank you. Or do you think one gesture like this is way too much faff for a 10 day paid for holiday? Dont you say thank you if somebody does something nice for you?

DishingOutDone · 07/08/2020 13:45

If I behaved like that with my daughters they'd be very hurt and I am not sure they would get over it any time soon. Amazing she's willing to risk that - I assume she has form?

FrankieDoyle · 07/08/2020 13:46

OP when we went to Blackgang Chine last summer, they offered free re-entry within 48 hours. I took my niece back the next day (she couldn't get enough of the place.)

Are they still doing this? Can you go back tomorrow or Sunday with just your 6 year old?

diddl · 07/08/2020 13:46

"whilst they’ve both fucked off into the Park with DS1."

What should they have done?

lotusbell · 07/08/2020 13:48

Missing the point, obviously but no need for you to stay in the car with the baby, that's just spitting your dummy out. There are 3 adults and 2 kids - enough of you to take it in turns with each kid. You're there to feed baby etc but in between, mum and dh can stay with baby and you can take the elder child on rides etc and soend 1 on 1 time with him. Best of both worlds surely??

billy1966 · 07/08/2020 13:49

OP,

Such harsh, unpleasant language used towards you.

I remember 20 month olds and yes life is easier when you stick to a routine that works.

Your mother sounds very difficult.
You need to learn from this.
Where is your husband?.

I totally get you wanting to fully enjoy the day with your six year old on the rides, totally focus on him and his enjoyment.

Have your children two different fathers?

Have you had a second child with a waste of space?

Sounds like you are exhausted and worn out.
Back away from your mother, you need space from her.

You need to take a look at why you don't get 5 minutes away from 20 month old.

Do something tomorrow with 6 year old and do NOT change your plans.

Harden your resolve and stand up for yourself.

I feel very sorry for you.
Sounds like you are trying to do your best, never doing even once what you would like.

You need to change this dynamic in your life.

I hope you feel better soon.Flowers

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 07/08/2020 13:50

With 3 adults and 2 children, you could have easily had one on one time or went on rides with your 6 year old. You are being a complete martyr.
As other people have said, why didn't your dh offer to keep the youngest back, or sit in the car with him?

Malaya · 07/08/2020 13:53

Be honest. You took your mum because you thought you and your dh could have a free babysitter and have a bit of an easier holiday. It’s not working out the way you thought. How 3 adults can’t manage 2 kids is beyond me. You wanted one-on-one time with your older dc, which is fine, but not your mum’s job to look after the other one. Why can’t your dh do it? Why aren’t you answering any questions about your dh? Also, 20 months isn’t a small baby. Get out the car and go and enjoy yourself.

StatementKnickers · 07/08/2020 13:53

Why didn't you say at some point in advance that you wanted to take DS1 to this place for a day and ask DH to stay behind with the toddler, then give your mum the choice of what to do?

Malaya · 07/08/2020 13:53

You need to take a look at why you don't get 5 minutes away from 20 month old

Well that’s on her dh, surely. She’s just taking it out on her mother

Malaya · 07/08/2020 13:54

@StatementKnickers

Why didn't you say at some point in advance that you wanted to take DS1 to this place for a day and ask DH to stay behind with the toddler, then give your mum the choice of what to do?
This. Would have saved everyone the drama!
Scrambled8 · 07/08/2020 13:55

I'm looking for advice on the best twin buggy to get. I have maxi cosi car seats so wanted something compatible with these. Also something affordable and that I could attach buggy board for almost 2yo. Twins are due in October!
TIA

Ginger1982 · 07/08/2020 13:55

I'm totally bemused as to why, given your whole point was to have one on one time with your older DS, you a) agreed to everyone going and b) then decided you weren't going to go at all. Makes no sense. It does seem a bit as though you spat the dummy because plans weren't as you had originally wanted them to be.

And yes, where is your DH is all of this?

Drumple · 07/08/2020 13:56

@Scrambled8

I'm looking for advice on the best twin buggy to get. I have maxi cosi car seats so wanted something compatible with these. Also something affordable and that I could attach buggy board for almost 2yo. Twins are due in October! TIA
You need a new thread of your own x
Devlesko · 07/08/2020 13:57

I'd have just put the baby in the pram/buggy and gone in with them.
What's wrong with your dh caring for baby whilst you spend time with the older one? Is he not the Dad, but even so he should help you.

diddl · 07/08/2020 13:59

"I don’t ever get a break from being with baby, I just wanted one fucking day with the other son & I feel I’ve been completely vetoed by my mum who’s put her wants & needs above everyone else’s"

Why is that all on your mum?

HopelessatHousework · 07/08/2020 14:02

Although it does sound like there is possibly some passive aggression going on, I really feel for the OP.

She wanted a nice day out with just her and DS1 and presumably said so even if not assertively. Surely a caring mother would say "oh we'd like to come too, but is it really important to you to go with just DS?" And then be happy to help that happen

And even if it had always been planned for all of them, why is it the end of the world if OP decided after a bad night she'd stay behind with the younger child after all? Younger child obviously responds best to a routine and it's very easy for everyone to say go with the flow but sometimes (not always) that just ends up to the detriment of the child who gets overtired and doesn't enjoy it

Some toddlers just won't transfer and stay asleep, I know mine won't so although we try to avoid being a slave to naptimes if she has just fallen asleep I'd probably stay in the car until later too. Sounds like exactly what OP expected to happen but she was coerced into going with everyone

I agree though next time OP just assert yourself more but it's really sad that your mum can't care a bit more a bit more about your wants and understand that you are putting kids first

Footlooseandfancy · 07/08/2020 14:04

Where was your husband in all this? He sounds like he needs to step up. Maybe your mum is fed up of having to take over when there's a bloke there who should be doing his share of parenting.

Your "baby" is nearly 2. Whack them in the buggy and give them a packet of pom bears. Sorted.

Yeahnahmum · 07/08/2020 14:05

You should have just said no. And staid back. You only got yourself to blame really. But your mum sounds rather annoying/childish . Don't invite her to come on anymore holidays.

LizzieBlackwell · 07/08/2020 14:09

@diddl

"I don’t ever get a break from being with baby, I just wanted one fucking day with the other son & I feel I’ve been completely vetoed by my mum who’s put her wants & needs above everyone else’s"

Why is that all on your mum?

Because really she wanted her mum to help out for one day. Which tbh she should have done, she’s got a free holiday out of this.

Also years ago we took mil and fil to the Caribbean for two weeks with us and we asked them to baby sit one night so dh and I could go for an anniversary meal at our favourite restaurant but she went apocalyptic. Caused a huge row.

I totally understand where OP is coming from

vanillandhoney · 07/08/2020 14:09

You're being a martyr.

First, you wanted a day out with DS1.
Then you decided you'd all go along as a family (don't blame this on your mum, you're an adult and you could have said no).
Then at the last minute, you kicked off and decided you were going to stay home with DS2 for no apparent reason.
Then you decided to go anyway, but now you're sat in the car sulking while your mum, DH and son have a great time?

Just get out of the car, apologise for sulking and go and salvage your day. Your younger son can nap in the buggy, or just enjoy the day out with the rest of you. You've ruined your own day here!

MsEllany · 07/08/2020 14:09

I’m totally baffled by the whole thing tbh.

Unsure why if you’re baby is so tired he couldn’t have gone in a buggy. Unsure why if there was three adults, a six year old and a toddler it apparently all falls to you to look after and entertain both the children and supervise or whatever on rides.

It sounds like you were tired, decided you didn’t want to go and used your youngest as an excuse for that. Now you’re sulking in the car because your mum was cross and had a go instead of realising that sharing parenting duties with your husband and stopping the mummy martyrdom might actually make your life easier and more enjoyable.

You’re supposed to be on holiday. Enjoy yourself.