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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Huge row with mum on holiday

493 replies

Hopscotch27 · 07/08/2020 11:11

I booked a 10 day holiday for me, DS 1, DS2, DH & my mum, to the Isle of Wight. All has been well & good.......I had planned days out & pre-booked attractions. One of the days I wanted to do with DS 1 (who’s 6) is to take him to Blackgang Chine. I was hoping one of the other adults (either DH or Mum) would have DS2 for the day, (he’s 20 months) back at the resort, where he would have been perfectly happy taking it easy, playing in the on-site playground, having his lunchtime snooze, paddling in the sea. I wanted to spend just one day with the older son, without having to run around after a rampant toddler. I hadn’t booked this attraction in advance. I was waiting to have a conversation around it.

So yesterday we talked. Mum clearly wanted to go herself, & somehow managed to convince me we should ALL go so I booked tickets for everyone. This morning I woke up with baby early, I said to mum that I’d stay on-site with baby as I was tired, he hadn’t slept well & I would rather him have quiet day just being in his normal routine.

I said her and DH could take DS1 as if baby came along too I’d find it hard to go on the rides/dedicate one-to one time with the older one. Even if someone else looked after baby whilst we were there I’d be conscious of wanting to feed him at the right time, settle him in the buggy for his kip etc etc. Just mummy mode really and i’d still be focused more on baby at those times than the older one.

Ultimately I just wanted the older one to have a good day and so I thought if the other two adults took him & I stayed back that would work out. It wasn’t what I had planned & I was a bit frustrated that my idea had been vetoed but I was prepared to scrap my plan to be with DS1 to give baby a restful day & ensure DS1 had a fun day.

Well mum just blew up. She said “so you’re changing everything at the last minute,” & “I can look after the baby, I know how to look after babies,” & “I’m angry at you for ruining this,” (which really fucking pissed me off as she wouldn’t even be on holiday had it not been for me.) Then she said “I’m not having it, we’re all going, I’m really angry at you for doing this.”

She was super-cross. I felt like I was under attack! So I just said to her that I thought she had issues! And that she was edging for a row, to which she replied “I am! With you.”

So long story short, we all ended up going, baby fell asleep in the car 5 mins from the destination and I’m now sat in the car with baby whilst they’ve both fucked off into the Park with DS1. And I’m bloody livid. And a bit sad. AIBU to feel like this? I don’t ever get a break from being with baby, I just wanted one fucking day with the other son & I feel I’ve been completely vetoed by my mum who’s put her wants & needs above everyone else’s. FFS

OP posts:
BlogTheBlogger · 07/08/2020 13:16

@Pelleas

I don't understand why you're getting such a hard time here, OP.

The way I read your post is that the arrangements could have been easily made by having a normal conversation but your mum blew up at you before you had the chance to discuss things.

Who looks after which child and where isn't really the issue - it's the fact your mum wouldn't sort things out like an adult. Now you're pointlessly stuck in the car with the baby, when you could've been back at your accommodation in comfort, or your mum could have looked after the baby while you enjoyed the park with the older child.

I totally get why you're pissed off.

I was thinking the same.

But blooming well get out of the car!!! Give the baby to your DH and have a fun time with DS1. Sheesh, there is loads of ways to accidentally lose someone at BG Chine I know this well! so go and have a good day

squanderedcore · 07/08/2020 13:17

YANBU op. You have had a load of broken nights and you should be able to parent in the way you want, it's hard enough as it is without the "we must all go everywhere together joined at the hip brigade". I can't stand people who accuse others of being "mummy martyrs" either. Some DC just respond well to a routine that's all. And it's often much harder work if that routine is disrupted. If you are taking your mum on holiday, it would have been polite of her (and your DH) to offer to take both kids off your hands for a day, never mind just one! It's your holiday too!

WonderWebbs · 07/08/2020 13:19

I'm with @Wolfgirrl I think people are being harsh OP. One thing that stood out for me is that you said said in your update that you are trying to please everyone and failing. In my experience trying to please everyone is impossible and why do your needs come last? You have paid for your DM to go on holiday with your family and what you really wanted was one day of one on one time with your eldest child. I don't get the impression that your Mum has been lumbered with babysitting the whole holiday, in your update, so your suggestion to go to this attraction with your eldest wasn't an unreasonable request but your DM railroaded you into changing plans. In hindsight perhaps you should have discussed this with DH and he could stayed behind with your youngest then DM could have decided what option suited her best.

Hopefully you can take a deep breath and re-join the family and salvage the rest of the day.

User27aw · 07/08/2020 13:21

There aren't many rides at Blackgang chine its not exactly Legoland. Its a great place for a toddler to potter around looking at the dinosaurs and going to the playground. There is a great singing animals room (in a so bad its good kind of way) that my kids loved or were scared of depending on their ages.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 07/08/2020 13:21

@DopamineHits

If you're still in the car I hope you have the aircon running...
I hope not! That means the engine has to be on and idling. They shouldn't be in the car at all, it's too hot.
Staplemaple · 07/08/2020 13:21

Yeah she probably wanted to go out but on this occasion she probably should've realised the right, and nice, thing to do would be to stay home and babysit.

Why couldn't DH stay at home? Why is it the mother's fault?

Carriemac · 07/08/2020 13:22

Your mum is being unreasonable.
My mum manipulates everyone to do when she wants irrespective of how the baby or toddlers will cope with her plans.
Even now , with grown up kids , the holiday revolves around her. She had the nerve , the last time she came on holidays with us, to say she felt we ‘didn’t do much ‘ because she likes to go shopping all the time and we like The outdoors and having nice meals and long walks

LannieDuck · 07/08/2020 13:23

I agree with the others - seems like the answer would have been for OP and her mum to take DS1 on the outing, while DH stayed at home with DC2?

forrestgreen · 07/08/2020 13:23

You haven't mentioned why your dh couldn't stay at home/sit in the car etc.
Plan something for you and dc1 tomorrow and don't give in.

Wolfgirrl · 07/08/2020 13:25

@Staplemaple

Because he wasnt the one being paid for & treated. Yeah he should've offered. But it sounds like he was just trying to stay out of the row.

Drumple · 07/08/2020 13:26

You need to step back and let your mum and DH look after your toddler. They’re 20 months not a newborn and you sound terribly uptight. Even using “baby” sounds like you’re struggling to let go.

I hope your day gets better.

bambinaballerina · 07/08/2020 13:26

OP:

You sound ungrateful. Your parents don’t owe you anything. You’re getting to go on holidays, with support from grandparents, at a time when a lot of people get to have neither.

Show some appreciation and stop behaving like a spoiled child.*

No, no, no. She paid for her mother's holiday, she hasn't had any grandparenting and now is being picked by a group of complete stranger on the Internet.

OP, don't take her on holidays again. It's a bad idea. Both and your DH clearly don't want to deal with with your youngest and give you some time alone with the eldest. I suspect that after a bad night the toddler will be a nightmare (like all toddlers) and you are being left in charge. Sure, your DM doesn't have to fo childcare at all, then she can pay her holiday.

Next time stick to your plans: "I will take DS1 out tomorrow, you are with DS2. Bye".

PleasePassTheCoffeeThanks · 07/08/2020 13:30

Still no answer on DH's role in all this... If your mum wanted to come with you and DS1 why couldn't he stay with DS2 himself??
If you all went, why couldn't he be the one in 'daddy mode' to give you time to focus on DS?

BlueOooChristmas · 07/08/2020 13:30

It's not too late to save the day. Put him in the buggy and go and find your family. Tell your mum you're sorry and you'd just wanted a day with older DC and should have been clearer. Then ask your husband to watch the little one tomorrow. It seems like poor communication to me. It's fixable, don't ruin anymore of your day.

ballsdeep · 07/08/2020 13:32

@Feralkidsatthecampsite

Why didn't you just put toddler on the buggy and go?
My thoughts exactly!!!!

If you're on holidays, why not do things together. Surely there's enough adults to push the toddler when you go on rides etc with your child.

Mountain out of a molehill

OneToThree · 07/08/2020 13:32

In my family it would go like this
“Mum do you mind having ds2 for the day please so me, dh and ds1 can have a day out?”
“Yeah, course. Great idea”

MongoAkimbo · 07/08/2020 13:32

She can’t put him in a buggy as they are trapped in the car. The baby is asleep

Drumple · 07/08/2020 13:33

The toddler can be lifted and put in a buggy. Don’t be silly

RealLifeHotWaterBottle · 07/08/2020 13:33

Grandparenting? Is that a new term for childcare?

If the OP wanted her mum to look after her child, she should have specifically asked. If she saw the holiday as "payment in lieu" she should have said in advance to make her expectations on the trip clear.

Staplemaple · 07/08/2020 13:33

Because he wasnt the one being paid for & treated. Yeah he should've offered. But it sounds like he was just trying to stay out of the row.

Ah what a treat to do as your daughter says, unless when you pay for someone they agree to be an on tap babysitter, perhaps the mum thought they just wanted to spend time together.

BrutusMcDogface · 07/08/2020 13:34

A 20 month old is not a baby.

I also don’t get why you didn’t strap him in the pushchair and just get on with your day.

Also- you’re treating your dh as one of the kids, too; where does he come into these arrangements? He could have stayed home/sat in the car etc.

Also, didn't he have an opinion on this?

CuppaZa · 07/08/2020 13:35

@Hopscotch27 I voted YANBU.
You mum sounds like a controlling joy sucker, however you sound a tiny bit martyr like here.
Your mum completely over reacted, and was very rude though

LizzieBlackwell · 07/08/2020 13:36

OP if your still reading - I get you. This is one of the reasons I stopped taking my granny on holiday with us because she changed in to a irrational argumentative 10 year old from a mild mannered lovely lady.

But do t cut your nose of to spite your face. Get the baby in the buggy and get out from the car and walk your mood off. And don’t invite her again Flowers

LizzieBlackwell · 07/08/2020 13:38

@MongoAkimbo

She can’t put him in a buggy as they are trapped in the car. The baby is asleep
I doubt she is trapped in a locked car.
ZooKeeper19 · 07/08/2020 13:38

@Hopscotch27 I somehow agree with you. I am rubbish when someone changes a routine I plan in my head, screw the communication part (sometimes, sorry). So if I "plan" something and others fuck that up I go nuts.

Having said that 1. what about your husband? What was his reaction? Is he cool with whatever?
And most importantly 2. WHY the fck did you take your mother on holidays with you? If you want to be nice to her, and treat her to a nice time away I get that, but I'd be dead clear then that what the rules are. It depends on your relationship with her, have you had rows before? If so, I'd just leave her home next time.

And lastly I AM SORRY your planned day got screwed. It feels rubbish, and no real consolation but do try to make the most out of it for you and the little one, and leave the two others to entertain the older boy. I am sure he'll enjoy himself, maybe with an ice cream with mummy and that will be it.