Huge row with mum on holiday

[Hopscotch27]

I booked a 10 day holiday for me, DS 1, DS2, DH & my mum, to the Isle of Wight. All has been well & good.......I had planned days out & pre-booked attractions. One of the days I wanted to do with DS 1 (who’s 6) is to take him to Blackgang Chine. I was hoping one of the other adults (either DH or Mum) would have DS2 for the day, (he’s 20 months) back at the resort, where he would have been perfectly happy taking it easy, playing in the on-site playground, having his lunchtime snooze, paddling in the sea. I wanted to spend just one day with the older son, without having to run around after a rampant toddler. I hadn’t booked this attraction in advance. I was waiting to have a conversation around it.

So yesterday we talked. Mum clearly wanted to go herself, & somehow managed to convince me we should ALL go so I booked tickets for everyone. This morning I woke up with baby early, I said to mum that I’d stay on-site with baby as I was tired, he hadn’t slept well & I would rather him have quiet day just being in his normal routine.

I said her and DH could take DS1 as if baby came along too I’d find it hard to go on the rides/dedicate one-to one time with the older one. Even if someone else looked after baby whilst we were there I’d be conscious of wanting to feed him at the right time, settle him in the buggy for his kip etc etc. Just mummy mode really and i’d still be focused more on baby at those times than the older one.

Ultimately I just wanted the older one to have a good day and so I thought if the other two adults took him & I stayed back that would work out. It wasn’t what I had planned & I was a bit frustrated that my idea had been vetoed but I was prepared to scrap my plan to be with DS1 to give baby a restful day & ensure DS1 had a fun day.

Well mum just blew up. She said “so you’re changing everything at the last minute,” & “I can look after the baby, I know how to look after babies,” & “I’m angry at you for ruining this,” (which really fucking pissed me off as she wouldn’t even be on holiday had it not been for me.) Then she said “I’m not having it, we’re all going, I’m really angry at you for doing this.”

She was super-cross. I felt like I was under attack! So I just said to her that I thought she had issues! And that she was edging for a row, to which she replied “I am! With you.”

So long story short, we all ended up going, baby fell asleep in the car 5 mins from the destination and I’m now sat in the car with baby whilst they’ve both fucked off into the Park with DS1. And I’m bloody livid. And a bit sad. AIBU to feel like this? I don’t ever get a break from being with baby, I just wanted one fucking day with the other son & I feel I’ve been completely vetoed by my mum who’s put her wants & needs above everyone else’s. FFS

Because really she wanted her mum to help out for one day. Which tbh she should have done, she’s got a free holiday out of this.

Then she should have said as much. Not huffed about and ruined her plans for herself.

Your mum is annoying but why are you treating a 20m old like a baby? Surely at that age it's a matter of one nap a day and just cracking on? I actually had to re read your post because I thought you were actually talking about a baby... like a 6 month old.

@vanillandhoney

Because really she wanted her mum to help out for one day. Which tbh she should have done, she’s got a free holiday out of this.

Then she should have said as much. Not huffed about and ruined her plans for herself.

She did but was over ridden. You can’t force some one to look after your kids

I’ve just reread your OP and my opinion doesn’t really change. It does stand out though that you wanted to have 121 time with your eldest, agreed to something different, changed the goalposts with a lame excuse because you were tired and then insulted your mum and your husband by saying that you don’t trust them to look after one toddler between them while you take your older son on rides.

Either your husband is completely useless or you seriously martyr yourself for a toddler who can either be in a buggy or using reins or can be taken off to have a snack or a sit down or whatever without being in your sight. Why don’t you trust two other adults?

I honestly don't understand what was wrong with everyone going, they didn't all have to do the same things at the same time so the op would have been able to have one on one with the older child.

"Because really she wanted her mum to help out for one day. Which tbh she should have done, she’s got a free holiday out of this."

From the OP "I was hoping one of the other adults (either DH or Mum) would have DS2 for the day"

@LizzieBlackwell I’ve just reread the OP and she feels she was browbeaten into going as a group. OP has a voice, she can say no, she can say ‘let me go tomorrow with DS and then we’ll all go the day after’ she could have offered so many different alternatives that suited her but didn’t. She also mentions DH as a passing comment - why does he get a pass but her own mother doesn’t? It’s fine if you accept a useless husband but don’t expect other people to pick up the slack.

She did but was over ridden. You can’t force some one to look after your kids

No, she didn't really, unless I've missed a later post somewhere?

She wanted a day out with DS1 but failed to verbalise it properly. Then agreed to go out as a family of five, then woke up on the day and decided she didn't want to go at all!

Lots of huffing and dramatics over nothing. If she wanted a day with her oldest, she should have said as much, and asked her husband to look after the toddler. Her mum could then have decided what she wanted to do that day - come along to the attraction, stay with DH or have a day to herself.

Don’t understand why you didn’t just leave your toddler with your DH and just go with your mum and son?

Why couldn't your husband look after baby while you go on the rides etc spend time with DS??

I think you’re getting a rough time here op. I can imagine having this conversation with my mum on holiday and it would go like this:
Me: ‘is it okay if I have a day out with just dc1, would you mind looking after dc2?’
Mum: ‘Yes if course dear, have a lovely time’.
End of conversation. Your mum sounds like a bit of a cow who you shouldn’t take on holiday again.

"why does he get a pass but her own mother doesn’t? It’s fine if you accept a useless husband but don’t expect other people to pick up the slack."

Yup!

Thing is, if mum had stayed behind, it's not time for just Op & her 6yr old is it?

And if husband had stayed behind with youngest-what was the mum supposed to do?

Stay with him?go elsewhere?

Poor op! I feel for you wanted some alone time with your older child as younger children are more consuming and then told no they must all go out together. Shitty way to act and I dont think I'd appreciate my partner getting involved if I was arguing with my mum. Poor you and poor oldest

I think I get where you're coming from OP. I end up in similar situations but I think I need to be more assertive as I often change odeas to try and keep others happy rather than myself...and it goes tits up.

How about you tell ( not ask) your OH that you want and need to have some 1:1 time with your oldest. Compromise on the when etc but do ensure you have your day to yourself with your oldest.

This is like that puzzle where you have to get the wolf, the grain and the chicken across the lake in a boat. 😂

When she said “I can look after the baby, I know how to look after babies,” why didn't you accept?

She sounds like drama queen and a bit of a cow tbh, but equally you don't sound as easygoing as you imagine! In fact you sound like an annoying micromanager. Is that something you've had to become to make up for a DH who leaves it all to you?

Holidays with extended family sound like a better idea over Christmas dinner than at anytime afterwards ime. Maybe don't do it again.

In the meantime, you need to figure out how to make this a mid-holiday hiccup instead of a nuclear moment in your family history.

I hope you've all managed to have a good day in the end.
I've had to learn to communicate very clearly with my family. I used to hint & hope but it didn't go well & I would get cross & then feel awful. It can be a real spiral.
As Pp mentioned, you're on holiday, let the routine go a little. Hope you enjoy the rest of your holiday.

Whose right, who knows. But you have clearly hurt her feelings. First you wanted her to stay and babysit then when she talked you into all going you decided you didn't want to go with her. Try and forgive her. Don't let it spoil the holiday.

YABVU. You made yourself into a martyr, and your mum was right in that you just changed everything last minute.

You’re overreacting and being oversensitive.

TBH I see wrong on both sides, but I can see it from the mothers point of view.
-Black gang chine is a big attraction on IOW, I would be disappointed to be told I needed to stay at home and miss out.
-Changing your mind on the morning could be construed as you sulking because you didn't get your way, I would find that frustrating.
-The DM said "I can look after the baby", so unless I'm getting the wrong end of the stick it sounds like she was happy to look after the baby at the attraction, and you could spend time with the 6 year old like you planned??
-You keep mentioning you paid, it's unfair to use this against someone.

Honestly, a ten day holiday with the family is just too much.

Everyone is tense, and you get the British thing of not saying what you really want, martyrdom etc.

I live abroad and when my parents come over for 2 weeks it's just way too intense as they NEVER do anything on their own or make their own decisions. I plan everything. Meals. Days out. Timing for everything etc. Which makes me frustrated. DD was ill one time and I just wanted them to fuck off out of the house so I said I'd drive them to the mall (they refuse to drive over here, another ishoo) and they said, 'no, we'll look after DD, YOU go to the mall'.

I don't want to go to the sodding mall! I want you to give me some space and be with the sick baby, ffs.

YANBU. I hope you get a nice day with your DS1 soon. ♥️

OP, so hard, and you are getting a very hard time here.

But...you can learn from this. Your mistake has been trying to make everyone happy.

Next time be clear about what you would like.

Say " I would love to have short break from looking after the baby, is anyone prepared to take care of the baby for the day while I spend time with DS1?"

Your Mum is thoroughly selfish and unreasonable - but why did you allow yourself to be beaten down by her? In hindsight you could have said 'OK, to be clear, one of the reasons I have suggested splitting up is so that I get a day of quality time with DS and a break from the baby"

Did you not explain the plan to your DH? He could have taken responsibility for the little one for the day?

I hope everything calms down and your Mum reflects a little.

I am shocked Blackgang Chine still exists. I went nigh on 20 years ago. Mad.

Youre dh was more than capable of staying home with the baby however when youre on holiday routines and structure go out of the window. You could have put you're baby in a pushchair and join the rest of the group. Why isn't youre dh stepping up and helping with the baby, there's 2 parents here.