Huge row with mum on holiday

[Hopscotch27]

I booked a 10 day holiday for me, DS 1, DS2, DH & my mum, to the Isle of Wight. All has been well & good.......I had planned days out & pre-booked attractions. One of the days I wanted to do with DS 1 (who’s 6) is to take him to Blackgang Chine. I was hoping one of the other adults (either DH or Mum) would have DS2 for the day, (he’s 20 months) back at the resort, where he would have been perfectly happy taking it easy, playing in the on-site playground, having his lunchtime snooze, paddling in the sea. I wanted to spend just one day with the older son, without having to run around after a rampant toddler. I hadn’t booked this attraction in advance. I was waiting to have a conversation around it.

So yesterday we talked. Mum clearly wanted to go herself, & somehow managed to convince me we should ALL go so I booked tickets for everyone. This morning I woke up with baby early, I said to mum that I’d stay on-site with baby as I was tired, he hadn’t slept well & I would rather him have quiet day just being in his normal routine.

I said her and DH could take DS1 as if baby came along too I’d find it hard to go on the rides/dedicate one-to one time with the older one. Even if someone else looked after baby whilst we were there I’d be conscious of wanting to feed him at the right time, settle him in the buggy for his kip etc etc. Just mummy mode really and i’d still be focused more on baby at those times than the older one.

Ultimately I just wanted the older one to have a good day and so I thought if the other two adults took him & I stayed back that would work out. It wasn’t what I had planned & I was a bit frustrated that my idea had been vetoed but I was prepared to scrap my plan to be with DS1 to give baby a restful day & ensure DS1 had a fun day.

Well mum just blew up. She said “so you’re changing everything at the last minute,” & “I can look after the baby, I know how to look after babies,” & “I’m angry at you for ruining this,” (which really fucking pissed me off as she wouldn’t even be on holiday had it not been for me.) Then she said “I’m not having it, we’re all going, I’m really angry at you for doing this.”

She was super-cross. I felt like I was under attack! So I just said to her that I thought she had issues! And that she was edging for a row, to which she replied “I am! With you.”

So long story short, we all ended up going, baby fell asleep in the car 5 mins from the destination and I’m now sat in the car with baby whilst they’ve both fucked off into the Park with DS1. And I’m bloody livid. And a bit sad. AIBU to feel like this? I don’t ever get a break from being with baby, I just wanted one fucking day with the other son & I feel I’ve been completely vetoed by my mum who’s put her wants & needs above everyone else’s. FFS

as is so often the case why didn't you just communicate clearly at the time of booking with the adults? Because initially your post sounds as though you wanted a day with DS alone. And hadn't asked your mum in advance to look after the baby.
And right at the end DH is there.

You all need to learn to talk to each other.

Does your DH not have a "daddy mode"? Im not sure why you're angry at your mother when the father of your children should be able to watch the baby.

If you want a day off from your baby then give him/ her to your husband! It's not your moms responsibility. Or take it in turns at the park with him looking after baby for an hour then you. You invited your mom on holiday not to be a babysitter. Can see why your mom was cross I would be too. Make amends and enjoy the rest of your holiday.

@Heffalooomia has it exactly. Its about who paid and what she feels is her place. Why not go off by yourself and enjoy the say with your baby in the buggy - make the best of it even though it isn't what you planned.

Why didnt you justness put the little on in the buggy and go.

When we go on holiday we all spend each day together, surely that’s what holidays are about?

Why is your mum getting th blame of all this when you and your husband are both able to look after both children? I’d never take my mum on holiday then expect her to stay home looking after one of the children,

You sound a bit of a Mummy-Martyr.

You speak about the 20 month old as if he's a newborn who can't bare to be disrupted. But actually you've got a nearly 2 year old who is more than capable of going with the flow.
Stick him in the buggy and join the family. Sitting in the car sulking makes you look a bit silly tbh.

I find it very telling you’ve ignored the many times asked question about why the hell your DH isn’t doing anything.

And what on earth is stopping you using a buggy or sling, or even letting him walk. He’s not a baby. He’s a toddler.

I think you’ve martyred yourself here and I find that incredibly annoying. Not saying your mother should have shouted at you, but I can imagine how frustrated you are.

Why on earth are you sat in a car, except to sulk?

Husband is strangely absent in this whole drama. What is he doing? Why couldn’t he offer to take his son out for a fun day?
Your mum is not supposed to be a babysitter. You and your husband are responsible for the children.

Your mum was really rude and unpleasant.

However your chopping and changing doesn't make sense. It sounds like you never wanted the toddler to go on the day out (whoever was going to stay with him tbc) but instead of clearly sticking to that you booked five tickets. Then announced on the day you and toddler wouldn't be coming. It smacks a bit of trying to make your mum feel bad because your original plan was that she babysit and you got to go and she messed that up. I agree with pps who have said your husband gets off very lightly. Why didn't you suggest he stayed with baby once your mum wanted to go? It is HIS child.

I also understand why you're fed up in the car though. Some toddlers/ babies are hellish out of their routine (mine were though I had planned to be a "wing it" kind of mum). And it's true that if the primary parent is present it's assumed you will do all the baby work unless you get someone else to agree and act like they're doing you a favour

Try and salvage the day, and work in your communication skills. But if that was my mum it would be the last time I took her on holiday!

You're not seriously sat in a car with a toddler today?

All the people I know who take their parents on holiday with them do so because of babysitting so they can enjoy some children free time. Usually, the grand parent is,happy because it's the chance for them to go away and be with the children on 1to1 basis but not all the time

It does come across as if you'd hope that your mum would offer to babysit so you and your oh could have a fun day out with your eldest. When she didn't offer, you tried the I'll stay and you go thinking that either your oh or preferably her wouldn't feel comfortable with this option and finally offer to stay. It didn't work, your mum probably knew that's what you were doing and you played martyr because your plan didn't work and your mum had enough of your game playing.

All this could have been avoided if because the trip, you could have agreed that she'd look after your youngest whilst you and oh took your eldest.

Why do you need to sit in the car just because the kid has fallen asleep?? Ridiculous and not normal but then, as you’re refusing to answer this question I’m guessing you already know you’re being daft.

I have never ever had a "mummy mode" i had a parent mode, holiday mode and parent on holiday mode.

The times we went away with my parents with small DCs we all discussed before the holiday what our expectations were (which included hiring a car between us and having it on alternate days for the week we had it - which gave us all time to do our own thing and meet in the evening for dinner). My parents said they would do a couple of days of grandparenting so we could have days out without children, and we did a few days all together. Each evening we talked about what we'd do the next day.

You know, like grown ups. my DP was as involved in this as the rest of us. he also had parent mode.

To be honest I think you were both at fault. But it just sounds as if tension, anxiety and tiredness has taken hold and things have just escalated.
Also I don't think a 20 month old is really a baby am should be able to cope with a day trip. I would have just transferred him into the buggy and taken him. I don't think it's that helpful for anyone to be so inflexible about nap times etc.
A 20 month child is able to enjoy a day out. I don't know the place you mentón but am guessing there will be something there for toddlers.
Your mum was wrong to overreact too she seems to have pent up anger about something else and is using this to get her anger out.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a one to one day with your older child in fact it is good but it would have been much better if you had just explained that to your mum, then maybe your husband and mum could have stayed home with your toddler while you spent time with your older one.

It is ridiculous. When a mum posts on MN to say she is finding it hard juggling kids, or just wants a bit of time with one of them or herself, the first thing people will post is 'Do you not have a family member that can babysit for a day?'

OP has paid for a 10 day holiday for her mum, yes she cant hold it against her but it would be only polite for her mum to offer to babysit once or twice, in the same way it would be polite for her to treat them to a meal to say thank you.

She doesnt have to do it but it speaks volumes that she refused.

Maybe she felt it was her holiday too. Feel for you op. Dont get into bringing others find my mam is all her own way so we dont bring her. She could have offer a bit of babysitting though

I wouldn't take your mum on holiday again. If she wants to go on a holiday, fair enough but it doesn't have to be with you. Whether you paid for it or not she doesn't have to be your babysitter and if you wanted her to take care of ds2 you should have asked in the beginning. Also, where is your oh in all of this? Why couldn't he mind the 20 month old so you could spend time with your son? There wasn't much point in taking your frustration out on your mum for not getting one on one time with ds1. Again, why couldn't your oh stay with ds1? I would put him in the buggy and go out anyway.

YABU for getting in the car like a child after she spoke to you like that. I would've nicely told her to fuck off and not gone instead of being angry and resentful.

She's in the wrong. Don't take her on holiday again there's no point if she can't do a bit of baby sitting. Although hubby should've helped you too. X

Yeah you’re in the huff and can’t get out of it.

Why can’t your Dh do more?

You need to chill and relax and go with the flow.

Maybe she wanted to go on that day out Wolfgirl? Or maybe she thought it would be nice if they all went - she certainly doesnt seem to have any problem with the idea looking after the toddler during the day out.

@Porcupineinwaiting

They have 9 other days together. OP has done a really nice thing bringing her mum along.

Yeah she probably wanted to go out but on this occasion she probably should've realised the right, and nice, thing to do would be to stay home and babysit.

If you're still in the car I hope you have the aircon running...

Another who is confused and thinks you are directing angst at the wrong person.

Why has it got anything to do with your mum?
Why couldn’t you just tell your DH he was not going as he was required to spend the day with the younger one while you went out with the older one and if your mum tagged along I don’t see why it would have been an issue, even with a 6yo another adult can be a godsend.

Why does your mother have to look after the younger one, why can’t your DH do this? Why don’t you have a bit of self-control and ability to prioritise your older child for once on a day out and just let the other two adults take responsibility for the younger one? I’m guessing your mother doesn’t understand any of this either, is weirder out and frustrated by it, and this was the reason behind her blowing up, not that it excuses her though.

When mine were little I used to work long shifts and DH parented them all by himself, everyone survived. We worked opposite shifts and days so neither of us ever really got a day off or a break and no relatives nearby. He even used to take them all out by himself quite often making him the far better parent as I would never do it if I didn’t have to. They were trapped in the house with me unless there was an unavoidable reason to go out as I much preferred taking them out with another adult, especially when there were more than 2 of them.

Clearly your dm wanted a day out too. You should have been a lot more specific ie I’m going out with ds6, dh is staying here with toddler. You’ve cut your nose off to spite your face,

Are you easy going or passive aggressive?. I came to realise I could he like this, I would have a plan in mind but not communicate It effectively then he pissed off at those around me for not being on board & cut my nose off to spite my face. I can understand wanting a little 1 on 1with you Eldest but a full day on a family holiday is not the time. Get out of the car, put the toddler (not a baby)into the buggy catch up with your family. Say sorry mum I was tired & grumpy. Hand over the buggy to her or your Dh and get on a ride with your Eldest. Life is to bloody short to sit in the car sulking to make a point. Go & have some fun.