Huge row with mum on holiday

[Hopscotch27]

I booked a 10 day holiday for me, DS 1, DS2, DH & my mum, to the Isle of Wight. All has been well & good.......I had planned days out & pre-booked attractions. One of the days I wanted to do with DS 1 (who’s 6) is to take him to Blackgang Chine. I was hoping one of the other adults (either DH or Mum) would have DS2 for the day, (he’s 20 months) back at the resort, where he would have been perfectly happy taking it easy, playing in the on-site playground, having his lunchtime snooze, paddling in the sea. I wanted to spend just one day with the older son, without having to run around after a rampant toddler. I hadn’t booked this attraction in advance. I was waiting to have a conversation around it.

So yesterday we talked. Mum clearly wanted to go herself, & somehow managed to convince me we should ALL go so I booked tickets for everyone. This morning I woke up with baby early, I said to mum that I’d stay on-site with baby as I was tired, he hadn’t slept well & I would rather him have quiet day just being in his normal routine.

I said her and DH could take DS1 as if baby came along too I’d find it hard to go on the rides/dedicate one-to one time with the older one. Even if someone else looked after baby whilst we were there I’d be conscious of wanting to feed him at the right time, settle him in the buggy for his kip etc etc. Just mummy mode really and i’d still be focused more on baby at those times than the older one.

Ultimately I just wanted the older one to have a good day and so I thought if the other two adults took him & I stayed back that would work out. It wasn’t what I had planned & I was a bit frustrated that my idea had been vetoed but I was prepared to scrap my plan to be with DS1 to give baby a restful day & ensure DS1 had a fun day.

Well mum just blew up. She said “so you’re changing everything at the last minute,” & “I can look after the baby, I know how to look after babies,” & “I’m angry at you for ruining this,” (which really fucking pissed me off as she wouldn’t even be on holiday had it not been for me.) Then she said “I’m not having it, we’re all going, I’m really angry at you for doing this.”

She was super-cross. I felt like I was under attack! So I just said to her that I thought she had issues! And that she was edging for a row, to which she replied “I am! With you.”

So long story short, we all ended up going, baby fell asleep in the car 5 mins from the destination and I’m now sat in the car with baby whilst they’ve both fucked off into the Park with DS1. And I’m bloody livid. And a bit sad. AIBU to feel like this? I don’t ever get a break from being with baby, I just wanted one fucking day with the other son & I feel I’ve been completely vetoed by my mum who’s put her wants & needs above everyone else’s. FFS

Why didn't you just tell them the plan in advance and ask DH to stay with DS2???

Also I think it's so typical in these threads people baby on about DH. Ops problem is not with her husband but with her rude mother. Op days she wanted for husband or mother to say with the other child, but mother had none of that and forced her way through to invite herself. And then curved op to go despite her preferring to stay behind. Maybe op preferred her husband to gob and at least one of them to have a good time. Maybe she didn't want to spend more time with her selfish mother and preferred to at least have quiet time to herself in the car, I know I would!

@HerNameWasEliza the mother has 9 OTHER days to enjoy the op's company. It's a bit selfish of her to presume that the daughter wants to spend every breathing moment of this holiday with her. Holidays she has not even paid for but is bossing herself around making plans for everybody. I know the type. It does not matter what you want, because what they want (which is always contrary to what you said) need to be prioritised.

There is no other day to enjoy her company at a theme park which for her may be a special day out. I can't see evidence of her bossing people around. I can see her saying what she would like to happen. There is not enough info here for you to know the type. She may be the type you are projecting her to be but she may not be. I also know the type of people who use their children's 'needs' as excuses to do what they want at the expense of others - a type others have referenced too. I don't know enough about the OP to say that's what's happened but that is as likely as your scenario.

I understand you are annoyed with MCP, but there are 300 plus other posts and lots are waiting for answers to their questions OP

@Hopscotch27 my opinion is my assumption. You kept bringing it up here so it’s reasonable to think you have used it in your argument against you mum. If you think that’s cruel, you must have lived a charmed life.

I didn’t see your deleted post you directed at me but I think the deletion says everything.

If you didn’t say anything what have you got to worry about? And why focus on me 13 pages in rather than answer the hundreds post asking why your husband couldn’t sit in the car?

Your mum is being a twat, have u got the car keys? Drive back to the resort, text them and tell them u will come pick them up later. If your mum doesn't like it tell her to go home and book her own holiday next year. I'm on ur side but then I'm currently dealing with the terrible twos and if someone blew up in my face like that I would probably slap them....btw I'm normally a very calm collective person but lockdown as a single mum has made me a bit crazy!

Btw what in the name of god is blackgang chine?

So presumably the husband is so useless/selfish/inept that he can’t or won’t take any responsibility for either child and the OP has to pay to bring her mother on holiday in order to get any respite from solo parenting a fractious toddler who doesn’t sleep well and an older child whose needs are in conflict which sounds extremely stressful. It’s not the mother that’s at fault though!

@ LaserShark I suspect you are right !

@Gomezzz

But why take the toddler at all? They wont enjoy it, they will cry and reach for mum, they will grumble and want mum to settle them, etc.

People don't seem to realise when you're the mum, it isnt as simple as sticking them in a pram and bringing them along. You cant switch off while they are there, and if the burst into tears and had a tantrum, I bet granny would hand him to mum as shes the one he wants to be comforted by.

Honestly this is one of the most vile and unfair reactions I've seen to a thread on MN you should all be ashamed.

Your mum was definitely being rude, unhelpful & ungrateful BUT why didn't you just tell her & hubby what you wanted & then make it happen??

You're not being unreasonable for wanting a lovely 1to1 day with your older child but you ARE being unreasonable for caving in about it & sitting in the car feeling sorry for yourself when (a) you've created the situation & (b) there's no need for it. Just settle the sleeping baby in the buggy, tell hubby & mum they're on 'baby duty' throughout the day & go have fun with your eldest!

And I say all this as a mum who's been in that position. It's only difficult if you make it.

Wolfgirll the children’s father is also on holiday with them; why does he get away with doing nothing??

[quote Wolfgirrl]@Gomezzz

But why take the toddler at all? They wont enjoy it, they will cry and reach for mum, they will grumble and want mum to settle them, etc.

People don't seem to realise when you're the mum, it isnt as simple as sticking them in a pram and bringing them along. You cant switch off while they are there, and if the burst into tears and had a tantrum, I bet granny would hand him to mum as shes the one he wants to be comforted by.

Honestly this is one of the most vile and unfair reactions I've seen to a thread on MN you should all be ashamed.[/quote]
What about the dad?

@Drumple

Yeah the dad should've offered. But ultimately both the mum and dad look after the kids, granny presumably doesnt live with them, so I can see why it might have been nicer for everyone if granny babysat and had some quality time with DS2.

Her husband wasnt the one yelling at her anyway, hes probably trying to stay out of it.

@Gogogadgetarms

Also the sitting in the car while child naps thing , I have never got this You are the adult , either wake him and go Or lift into buggy , if he sleeps he sleeps if not , just get on with things

God I wish I had a child I could do either of these things with.

1. Wake and go = one tired and irritable child for the rest of the day.
2. Lift onto buggy = wake up said child. See 1.

No in between with mine. Leave child sleeping in car = at least someone gets to enjoy the day and after said child wakes the rest of the day is a much more pleasant experience.

Exactly, thank you.

I'm not talking about "routine", just that once DS is asleep I don't wake him for the sake of half an hour. Sometimes I go and get a drive thru coffee. And you didn't say "on holiday", you said you have never got this.

People don't seem to realise when you're the mum, it isnt as simple as sticking them in a pram and bringing them along. You cant switch off while they are there, and if the burst into tears and had a tantrum

Yes, yes the posters of Mumsnet don't realise that at all... Erm.

Jaysus.

What's up with dad? Does he have a magical switch?

OP I imagine the reason you are getting such a hard time from some posters is because they are the mum in this scenario - either by age or mentality.

I can see your point of view completely, but I do also think your partner could of been a bit more giving with his time and effort too in regards to younger son. it's hard to get one on one time when you have multiple children so I also understand why you wanted a day out with just your eldest - its important actually that he does get the one on one time. maybe your mum felt like she was missing out, perhaps go for lunch or something with your eldest tomorrow or another day of the holiday, something that the others wont feel like they are missing out on.

@Hopscotch27. Totally understand why your sad OP. Your mother had no right to speak to you like that, and what you requested was totally reasonable. Your older child would have loved a day with you for a change xx

Baby? A 20month old is not a baby. YABU for that alone OP.

* I accept that I’m peeved but “grow up” is a bit strong when I’m the one who’s taken my mum on holiday, trying to make her happy as well as everyone else, & the way she attacked me this morning made me think “why do I bother?” I also accept that I’m an easy-going person, I hate aggression or rowing. But I honestly don’t understand the grow-up comment. I’m not sulking right now, I just feel sad, like I’ve made no-one happy*

The martyrdom that literally oozes out of this statement

And “ultimately I just wanted everyone to be happy” (but then say feel frustrated as you’d planned one on one time with your son and wanted a break from the baby)

@HerNameWasEliza I'm not projecting anything, it's all in the op. She wanted a day away, mum said no, EVERYONE has to go. She presumed her company is wanted non stop. Then when op wanted to stay behind DM throws a strop it is ruining HER plans. Because the plan is clearly all hers. Then offers sitting with the baby, but f*s off to the park anyway leaving op with the baby. And is being nasty and unpleasant about it. If she was just disappointed about op not going, there were plenty of ways to say it (like f.ex "I'm disappointed your not coming with us, are you sure?") without being rude, but she was rude and inconsiderate regardless.

In with @MiddleClassProblem

You mention fact you paid for it in every single post!!

Your "baby" is nearly 2. Whack them in the buggy and give them a packet of pom bears. Sorted.

As a mother of two twentysomethings I agree with the above.

You're on holiday, feed the toddler when he's hungry and put him in the buggy when he's tired. He'll sleep when he's tired enough.

Single parents take multiple children on holiday - 3 adults with 2 kids should be a breeze - unless one of them has decided to be a martyr to a toddler...

I really get it op. You just wanted to have a day with just you and ds1. I think it’s important to have 1 on 1 time like this, so ds1 gets your undivided attention, without his db for a change. I would make sure you get a different day out, just you and him. If your ‘d’m interferes tell her it’s none of her business and she can do what she wants while your dh looks after ds2.

@Hopscotch27

You still haven't answered where your DH is in all this...

(BTW I think your mum was massively in the wrong here) Did she not want to be left with DH and the baby?