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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Huge row with mum on holiday

493 replies

Hopscotch27 · 07/08/2020 11:11

I booked a 10 day holiday for me, DS 1, DS2, DH & my mum, to the Isle of Wight. All has been well & good.......I had planned days out & pre-booked attractions. One of the days I wanted to do with DS 1 (who’s 6) is to take him to Blackgang Chine. I was hoping one of the other adults (either DH or Mum) would have DS2 for the day, (he’s 20 months) back at the resort, where he would have been perfectly happy taking it easy, playing in the on-site playground, having his lunchtime snooze, paddling in the sea. I wanted to spend just one day with the older son, without having to run around after a rampant toddler. I hadn’t booked this attraction in advance. I was waiting to have a conversation around it.

So yesterday we talked. Mum clearly wanted to go herself, & somehow managed to convince me we should ALL go so I booked tickets for everyone. This morning I woke up with baby early, I said to mum that I’d stay on-site with baby as I was tired, he hadn’t slept well & I would rather him have quiet day just being in his normal routine.

I said her and DH could take DS1 as if baby came along too I’d find it hard to go on the rides/dedicate one-to one time with the older one. Even if someone else looked after baby whilst we were there I’d be conscious of wanting to feed him at the right time, settle him in the buggy for his kip etc etc. Just mummy mode really and i’d still be focused more on baby at those times than the older one.

Ultimately I just wanted the older one to have a good day and so I thought if the other two adults took him & I stayed back that would work out. It wasn’t what I had planned & I was a bit frustrated that my idea had been vetoed but I was prepared to scrap my plan to be with DS1 to give baby a restful day & ensure DS1 had a fun day.

Well mum just blew up. She said “so you’re changing everything at the last minute,” & “I can look after the baby, I know how to look after babies,” & “I’m angry at you for ruining this,” (which really fucking pissed me off as she wouldn’t even be on holiday had it not been for me.) Then she said “I’m not having it, we’re all going, I’m really angry at you for doing this.”

She was super-cross. I felt like I was under attack! So I just said to her that I thought she had issues! And that she was edging for a row, to which she replied “I am! With you.”

So long story short, we all ended up going, baby fell asleep in the car 5 mins from the destination and I’m now sat in the car with baby whilst they’ve both fucked off into the Park with DS1. And I’m bloody livid. And a bit sad. AIBU to feel like this? I don’t ever get a break from being with baby, I just wanted one fucking day with the other son & I feel I’ve been completely vetoed by my mum who’s put her wants & needs above everyone else’s. FFS

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 07/08/2020 16:31

You've still not mentioned your husband....

oakleaffy · 07/08/2020 16:32

This is why having more than one child is harder- one is easy, travelling , loads of things are easier with one.. I remember my brother being born ( stepmum) and our travels and fun were severely curtailed for years.. “ because of the baby “

If easy life is wanted, one is the magic number!

tankflybos · 07/08/2020 16:36

"This is why having more than one child is harder- one is easy, travelling , loads of things are easier with one"

Rubbish. We've always found it easy to do all those things with two. Blame the little brother much? Hmm

If OP wasn't being a martyr as well as planning exactly what she wants to happen only in her head and the husband wasn't enabled to just sit there doing nothing all the time this wouldn't have happened.

mcmooberry · 07/08/2020 16:39

Definitely you should have spoken up a lot sooner about your plan to do something with your older child and made it clear that you needed a break from constantly running around with/getting up early with the younger one. Which you certainly do. However I would think a nearly 2 year old - so not a baby by any stretch so not sure why the term baby is being used - would enjoy a day out like that and should be able to sleep in a pram. It sounds like your mum isn't really being that helpful on this holiday or giving you any sort of break and she was definitely rude and unpleasant towards you today so I get that you are sad and disappointed. Hopefully some good will come out of this horrible day in that you will be clear and speak up a lot sooner in future.

LIZS · 07/08/2020 16:40

You sabotaged your own plans! She offered to look after your toddler while you and presumably dh prioritised ds1. Yet you decided it had to be you watching the toddler if he came along. Maybe it was the lack of sleep or heat but you seem to have lost perspective. Your ds1 may still have a lovely day, but without you. I'm sure ds2 could still have had a nice time and snoozed with Granma while at BC as much as at resort.

RowanAlong · 07/08/2020 16:43

Ah OP I get it. It’s hard work splitting yourself in half and keeping the baby happy/napped/cool/in routine while desperately wanting to spend 1-1 time with the older child. Holidays often get a bit fraught with everyone trying to get a bit of what they want ... often with no one being happy.

Sounds like you need to say louder and more clearly ... I really really need time away from the baby and some time with DS1. Perhaps suggest doing something all together later in the afternoon to appease your mum.

It’s hard. 20 months is hard work. Don’t be too hard on yourself and don’t take the comments on here too much to heart. You’re doing a great job. Maybe ask DH to help more and ask your Mum less.

NerrSnerr · 07/08/2020 16:46

Two more updates, completely ignoring several posters polite (and possibly not so polite) inquiries as to the role of the DH here.

I'm really curious about your husband. Where does he fit into this? Why didn't he just stay with the toddler?

Alwaysinpain · 07/08/2020 16:46

@Wolfgirrl

Cant believe the comments OP is getting here. She takes her mum on a 10 day holiday with her husband and kids, would like just 1 day to spend time with DS1 (because she probably runs around after DS2 all day while DH and her mum dont), and her mum refuses to help out?!

Seriously this is ine of those threads where posters make out they would be all chilled and cool about it, but they wouldn't IRL.

Wine for you OP.

THIS!!!!!!
GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 07/08/2020 16:47

Seriously OP, why aren't you answering the questions asking why you didn't ask your DH?

Why is this all on your mum?

Alwaysinpain · 07/08/2020 16:50

@PaddyF0dder

OP:

You sound ungrateful. Your parents don’t owe you anything. You’re getting to go on holidays, with support from grandparents, at a time when a lot of people get to have neither.

Show some appreciation and stop behaving like a spoiled child.

Ungrateful? Spoiled? OP PAID for the holiday! And for her mother's holiday! HmmHmmHmm
LovelyWeekAway · 07/08/2020 16:52

Yes , also think its weird how the DH has still not been mentioned

Also the sitting in the car while child naps thing , I have never got this ...
You are the adult , either wake him and go
Or lift into buggy , if he sleeps he sleeps if not , just get on with things.

Surely they can nap on drive on way back
Just get everyone out of the car and enjoy the day.

MiddleClassProblem · 07/08/2020 16:54

@honeygirlz

I bet you laud it over your mother whenever you can, even if you think you’re saying it in a positive way.

Well that was uncalled for @MiddleClassProblem. You should apologise to the OP.

Apologise? For an opinion?

Op has mentioned it in every post. Are we Emmy to believe she hasn’t said it to her mother when it seems to be a key point?

Surely it’s nice to treat her mum not use it as a randsom to have it exactly her way or sulk. And yes LOADS of people think OP is sulking by sitting in the car. Not just me.

I have bugger all to apologise for. It’s just a bit sad OP can’t suck it up and enjoy the day. To me it sounds like OP wanted the original plan and got miffed the minute that became everyone. Then got sulky.

I’m a pretty fair poster. I’m just reading what the op is writing. Repeatedly.

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 07/08/2020 16:55

Still no answer as to what the man was doing while the two women were fighting over who was going to look after the children.

Gomezzz · 07/08/2020 16:56

Cant believe the comments OP is getting here. She takes her mum on a 10 day holiday with her husband and kids, would like just 1 day to spend time with DS1 (because she probably runs around after DS2 all day while DH and her mum dont), and her mum refuses to help out?!

But she didn't refuse to help out did she?

She said she could look after the "baby" at the park but OP doesn't seem to want that, she's currently with the 6 year old.

I think if she needs a day away from the toddler she needs to maybe voice that more clearly, and I think it would be reasonable to ask, but it seems a bit unfair to make that day at a popular family attraction that presumably the whole family would enjoy?

jessstan2 · 07/08/2020 16:59

Hopscotch, family rows often happen at holiday times, mums and daughters being the worst.

This will blow over and you'll enjoy the rest of your holiday.

(Has your husband retired from the scene, btw ? :-) )

CostaCosta · 07/08/2020 17:01

Yanbu. I get what you mean wanting some 1 on 1 time with your ds1, you sound like a lovely mummy. Hopefully your mum will apologise

HerNameWasEliza · 07/08/2020 17:02

@Gomezzz But why changing at the last minute would piss the mother off- she would go to the park anyways and could have fun, but instead guilt tripped OP on going to the park and ruined her day. Whether OP went or stayed did not have any impact on her.

I think maybe she was looking forward to a nice day out with her daughter? So of course it would be a disappointment to her that at the last minute her daughter changes the plan. I doubt that the fun was just about the park per se. It was the whole family experience.

HerNameWasEliza · 07/08/2020 17:03

Still no answer as to what the man was doing while the two women were fighting over who was going to look after the children.

I think the lack of answer IS the answer..

hammeringinmyhead · 07/08/2020 17:03

@LovelyWeekAway

Yes , also think its weird how the DH has still not been mentioned

Also the sitting in the car while child naps thing , I have never got this ...
You are the adult , either wake him and go
Or lift into buggy , if he sleeps he sleeps if not , just get on with things.

Surely they can nap on drive on way back
Just get everyone out of the car and enjoy the day.

We get one nap. If DS doesn't get 45-60 minutes during the day, before 3pm, he's awake for hours in the night. No way I'm risking that!
MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 07/08/2020 17:11

@HerNameWasEliza the mother has 9 OTHER days to enjoy the op's company. It's a bit selfish of her to presume that the daughter wants to spend every breathing moment of this holiday with her. Holidays she has not even paid for but is bossing herself around making plans for everybody. I know the type. It does not matter what you want, because what they want (which is always contrary to what you said) need to be prioritised.

LovelyWeekAway · 07/08/2020 17:11

Yes I get that hammering but when we are on holiday we bend the routines.

Especially when other family members are involved , I wouldn’t let my mum and rest of family go in ahead to an attraction whilst sitting moping in the car.

Just get on with the day and let the toddler up a bit later that night

Hope the OP and her mum have managed to sort everything out by now and managed to salvage the day.

Original poster
Hopscotch27 · 07/08/2020 17:12

@MiddleClassProblem

But your comment about me wasn’t an opinion was it? It was a judgemental assumption. And a pretty nasty one at that. You must be pretty sure of yourself to post things like that.

For the record, I didn’t mention money at all to my mum, I wouldn’t dream of using it as a weapon against her. How cruel you must suppose some people to be to bring up money all the time as if it’s the be all & end all in family relationships.

OP posts:
workhomesleeprepeat · 07/08/2020 17:13

You're both bad at communicating and surprise - neither of you is a mind reader, no one is.

You should have been very clear and asked to make plans with DS1. This whole 'let her convince me' is where it falls down. You are a grown person with children, be assertive with your mum.

Unless there is more to it, she overreacted though. What a weird response. My dad would pull some shit like that though. Which is why I am clear to the point of rudeness with him, and dismiss any silly opinions or tantrums.

Oldbutstillgotit · 07/08/2020 17:13

OP did things resolve themselves ? You sound very stressed .

Gogogadgetarms · 07/08/2020 17:13

Also the sitting in the car while child naps thing , I have never got this
You are the adult , either wake him and go
Or lift into buggy , if he sleeps he sleeps if not , just get on with things

God I wish I had a child I could do either of these things with.

  1. Wake and go = one tired and irritable child for the rest of the day.
  2. Lift onto buggy = wake up said child. See 1.

No in between with mine. Leave child sleeping in car = at least someone gets to enjoy the day and after said child wakes the rest of the day is a much more pleasant experience.