Huge row with mum on holiday

[Hopscotch27]

I booked a 10 day holiday for me, DS 1, DS2, DH & my mum, to the Isle of Wight. All has been well & good.......I had planned days out & pre-booked attractions. One of the days I wanted to do with DS 1 (who’s 6) is to take him to Blackgang Chine. I was hoping one of the other adults (either DH or Mum) would have DS2 for the day, (he’s 20 months) back at the resort, where he would have been perfectly happy taking it easy, playing in the on-site playground, having his lunchtime snooze, paddling in the sea. I wanted to spend just one day with the older son, without having to run around after a rampant toddler. I hadn’t booked this attraction in advance. I was waiting to have a conversation around it.

So yesterday we talked. Mum clearly wanted to go herself, & somehow managed to convince me we should ALL go so I booked tickets for everyone. This morning I woke up with baby early, I said to mum that I’d stay on-site with baby as I was tired, he hadn’t slept well & I would rather him have quiet day just being in his normal routine.

I said her and DH could take DS1 as if baby came along too I’d find it hard to go on the rides/dedicate one-to one time with the older one. Even if someone else looked after baby whilst we were there I’d be conscious of wanting to feed him at the right time, settle him in the buggy for his kip etc etc. Just mummy mode really and i’d still be focused more on baby at those times than the older one.

Ultimately I just wanted the older one to have a good day and so I thought if the other two adults took him & I stayed back that would work out. It wasn’t what I had planned & I was a bit frustrated that my idea had been vetoed but I was prepared to scrap my plan to be with DS1 to give baby a restful day & ensure DS1 had a fun day.

Well mum just blew up. She said “so you’re changing everything at the last minute,” & “I can look after the baby, I know how to look after babies,” & “I’m angry at you for ruining this,” (which really fucking pissed me off as she wouldn’t even be on holiday had it not been for me.) Then she said “I’m not having it, we’re all going, I’m really angry at you for doing this.”

She was super-cross. I felt like I was under attack! So I just said to her that I thought she had issues! And that she was edging for a row, to which she replied “I am! With you.”

So long story short, we all ended up going, baby fell asleep in the car 5 mins from the destination and I’m now sat in the car with baby whilst they’ve both fucked off into the Park with DS1. And I’m bloody livid. And a bit sad. AIBU to feel like this? I don’t ever get a break from being with baby, I just wanted one fucking day with the other son & I feel I’ve been completely vetoed by my mum who’s put her wants & needs above everyone else’s. FFS

Your Mum is thoroughly selfish and unreasonable

I kind of think the mum is getting a hard time and I'm not excusing how she spoke to the OP but what has she actually done?

-wanted to go to one of the big attractions with her family and not be left behind to babysit.
-said "I can look after the baby" so assuming she's not just sitting idly by and not contributing, in fact I assume she's looking after the 6 year old currently with the DH.
-Got frustrated when the OP kept changing things last minute.

"Your Mum is thoroughly selfish and unreasonable"

For wanting to go to an attraction & look after the youngest there rather than on her own?

get out of the car ( I assume you have by now, if not you'd have evaporated by now)

Get out and have some fun and stop sulking

In future, make your plans/expectations clear.

Also, where the fuck is your DH in all this?! It would be more normal for you to leave youngest with him, no? or to just all go as a family

Some of these comments are really harsh. OP, there is no way I'd let my DM talk to me the way yours talked to you. Or anybody for that matter. You need to stand your ground or it will never stop. She knows you don't like confrontation and can get away with treating you this way. There is no way she would be coming on any holiday with me again unless I've seen some changes in her. She buldozered you into changing your plans but when you changed your mind she didn't like it.

But the mother is NOT looking after the baby, is she? She is in the park while the OP is stuck in the car, looking after the baby....

Also, the mother chose to shout horrible things at the OP, when she has been invited on a paid-for holiday with her dd's family.

I think selfish and unreasonable, yes.

There really isn't much for an adult to do / go on at Black Gang Chine.

I wouldnt worry about routine on holiday just go with the flow. Id have just got out of the car and put dc in a pram. Single mum here so no choice .

The hottest day of the year and your sat in a car with your baby. I understand why your upset. X

Why are staying in hte car with the baby? Can't you carry him or put him in a buggy? Get a sling for next time.

Really, such a fuss because a baby has gone to sleep. The number of attractions we reeled a sleeping dd around....

OP, I get your frustration. I sense that you have worked hard to make everyone happy, and just wanted everything to be perfect. Now there's dissension in the ranks, that hasn't happened, and you've gone in a strop. Well, haven't we all sometimes!
My suggestion would be to get a bit more assertive, and clearly communicate what you want. Preferably in advance, so that nobody is thrown by a last minute change.
That didn't happen with the attraction you mentioned, so how about another time? Maybe a more generic activity, so that no one feels they're missing out, such as taking your older one out for ice-cream.
I used to feel the way you did at times, because I sometimes found marriage and parenthood (of little ones) pretty frustrating and hard. But the best thing is to shake it off and move on.
Oh, and your mum does sound like a pain You chose to take her though, so just learn from it and try to make the best of it now. You've brought up a few times that you have paid for everything, but I guess she's still unfortunately! entitled to a voice. Try not to be eaten up with your own resentment, hard as it is.
Hope you managed to enjoy the rest of the holiday, or most of it at least!

Put the baby in the buggy and go! You are being a martyr

Yeah I agree OP is getting a hard time. And yet people expect her to come back for more abuse! I hate it when people tell others to grow up, it's so childish.

Yes the Dh is probably shit, and I don't know why OP has let him off the hook. But actually her mum is being a shit too.

God the OP is getting a hard time on here! Pathetic. Don’t go on holiday with your DM again, she didn’t have to respond like that.

Honestly I don't think anyone behaved particularly well here. Your mother is clearly being controlling , it's never ok for her to behave like this. I would be furious as well.

However...firstly why in actual hell did you keep waiting and delaying to " have a discussion" that's passive and silly. It drives me mad when people do this , make a massive deal and delay and faff over plans. Then why on earth did you let yourself be talked into all going ? Why didn't you hold the line ? I actually really get wanting to spend one on one time with older ds and I totally understand it's harder with younger DC there. But you should have just said that and insisted. You are a freaking adult ...grow up and stop letting yourself be talked into things.

Whether I agree you can take the baby or not is irrelevant , you hummed hawwed faffed and then it does sound remarkably like you played the martyr.

Finally where's your dh in this ? On the rare occasion (I have to say extremely rare these days as I have got to the age of being able to stand by my plans ) i start to get talked into anything I don't want to DP will have my back. In this situation I suspect he would have had dc2 at the house and certainly would have stepped in during the row.

Honestly you all sound tired fed up etc and I get that but you all behaved like the children themselves really.

Sounds to me like you and your mum are both cut from the same cloth and both hate having plans changed last minute, and will get unnecessarily angry when they do. It’s an anxiety thing.

I'm confused.

It sounds like you didn't outwardly make it clear that you were expecting your mother to stay behind and look after DC2. If that's what you wanted, just ask, don't hint at or expect other people to read your mind.

You also then agreed to go all together and booked the tickets. You then threw what sounds like a strop this morning because you hadn't got your own way and are now sat in a car park still sulking.

She may have been a bit harsh but you don't sound easy going at all in this situation and actually sound quite frustrating and childish.

Like seriously... Grow up? Just take the toddler in the buggy and next time, make it clear what your expectations are to your mother and husband.

Surely if you're all on holiday together you all do things together, especially a big attraction. The baby would be fine in the buggy, how do you think other people manage a day out with a baby?

You were sulking. If you weren't you wouldn't be sat in the car in a huff.

You had in your head that you wanted to go alone with older son but didn't assert that to anyone. Your mum wanted to go and you never even considered leaving the younger one with his dad.

Just seethed quietly then spat your dummy out. No wonder she's frustrated. People that do this are so draining, it's as if they're the first to ever have children. Why would you need to be sat in the car?

By now I'm sure op is having a fun time with the family. Hopefully she will come back and tell us she's had a grand day,

@PaddyF0dder Funny as I see OP is getting NO support.

OP- your mum sounds pushy and one of those people who always want to get they way with everything, so I get the annoyance. You are spending the whole holiday together, one day less would not make a difference. I think I would be sulking to, as you're entitled to want to make your own plans for one day on a holiday you paid for.

I also dont know why people think you didnt communicate wanting to spend a day with your DS- it seems you did, but your mother just trampled over it as she wants to call all the shots.

@Gomezzz But why changing at the last minute would piss the mother off- she would go to the park anyways and could have fun, but instead guilt tripped OP on going to the park and ruined her day. Whether OP went or stayed did not have any impact on her.

Does not work bringing family away. Could u have juggled the toddler between you all as at least you all get a day out? Just to say my mam is her way or the highway so nobody takes her!!!

I don’t understand why it was your mother who needed to stay back with the baby. Why not dad?

But why is it sulking to be in the car watching the sleeping baby? If it's anything like my family they'd all have said "well I'm not going to sit in the car" and the only one who is impacted is the poor overtired child who (if like mine) would wake as soon as I tried to transfer them. I've had family say "oh we don't mind if DC is tired and upset" - well funnily enough I do since as the adult I look out for what is best for them!