To ask would you rather you or your partner was the sole breadwinner and you didn’t have to work...

[Merryoldgoat]

Or that you were both pretty equally responsible for bringing in the money?

My DH and I are not high flyers but we’re both professional and have decent jobs and live comfortably.

He earns around 60k, me around 38k part-time.

He’s recently taken a step up so he’s working longer hours.

However I also have a responsible job and need to work pretty intensely at various times.

We have a cleaner and some support from PIL, childminder etc.

But I find it a grind.

I sometimes feel like encouraging him to get a much better paid job (this is possible if he changed sectors) and me taking a step down to a less challenging job so I had some time to get stuff sorted at home - it’s all a bloody rush atm.

If you have seen any previous threads of mine I have two children with additional needs and it’s quite a grind sometimes.

On the other hand I’m not a natural SAHM and I love my job.

I’m just musing really.

DH is great, does his share with everything but I do wonder if life would be better and/or easier if I wasn’t working as much/at the level I do.

YABU - better to both work and share the load
YANBU - better for one ‘breadwinner’ and someone dealing with mostly home stuff

I would never be a sahm because I'm too ambitious

There are frequent complaints about lazy DHs who do little to nothing around the home and don’t help with the children.

I think it is often forgotten that raising children is caring and providing. No one should complain about providing all the care if they are doing none of the providing.

In real life I’ve seen the fall out several times when a good DH and DDad dies young and unexpectedly leaving a wife who didn’t work to suddenly have to earn. And then there are the marriages that split. Either can happen to the best of us. I can see if you earn 10% of your DH’s (or DW’s) salary then it might still make sense but you’re not in them at position.

We both have well paid jobs (I earn a little more) and if we could I think we’d both like to do 4 days but DH’s job (SLT in a school) isn’t possible part time. So instead I enjoy never having to worry about money and planning to retire early!

Throw money at anything that’s causing you stress.

I worked pt and it was better for my dd with asd, but problems hit later as resentment grew (despite having to do constant school pickups from sick room and therapy visits etc not compatible with full time work) eventually we split and I'm not able to support myself (it's ok he pays me spousal maintenance but he may not have been so reasonable!). Also remember that a £20k pay rise at his income is taxed a lot, it would have to be significant to cover your net pay

Last year I quit my job, for a number of reasons, but the two main reasons were 1) DH’s annual pay rise and bonus were more than my annual salary, 2) discovering the receptionist made more than me (I have 25 years experience as a PA). The first few months were great, but I’m feeling increasingly like I’m not pulling my weight. I feel uneasy about not earning my own money.
Perhaps you should give it a try and see if it works for you, but be prepared to return to the workplace.

@RedNun

I find the idea that anyone would voluntarily make themselves economically dependent on anyone else bizarre. I mean, it has literally never occurred to me to view my husband’s salary as evidence I ‘don’t need to work’.

I totally agree. It would terrify me to have to rely on someone else's income and for my right to spend it to be contingent on my domestic success etc. And this thing about it being "family money": this is all good and well until suddenly it isn't!

OP it actually sounds like you and your OH have it pretty sorted. I can understand how it may seem stressful and sometimes counter intuitive for you to have to work when he's on a pretty good salary. But actually this sounds like a pretty decent work/life balance, not to mention a good salary.

I don’t care who does what but what I do wish is that the sneering attitudes would stop. Working mums saying “oh I could never not pay my own way” as if sahm are leeches feeding off their husbands hard work. When the reality is they do a valuable job (same applies if it’s a stay at home dad and mum works). Conversely sahm looking down on working mums for prioritising their career.

Do what works for your family. But let’s not put each other down for making different choices. Society already makes it difficult enough for women whatever they chose so why turn on each other too?

I much prefer both of us working. Financially, there are tax advantages and also employer pension.

But emotionally, I really dislike the idea of being there to facilitate everyone else rather than having my own life. I also find that my husband and I work best as a couple when we are both working - maternity leave and shared parental leave has been nice but clearly not suited us as well

Flip the sexes. How would you feel if your husband viewed the existence of your salary as a reason he ‘didn’t need to work’?

Nobody ever plans for a marriage to end or any scenario where you would end up as a single mother. Being out of the workplace for any amount of time would make your life so much harder if you find yourself in this situation. Just read the many, many threads on here where woman have been left as a single mother on benefits and there EXH has carried on progressing in there career paying the absolute minimum in CSM. Don't do it OP.

It is so tempting when children are younger and gave more needs but it becomes so worth it when they are older.

Having paid in a pension, having more disposable income to do whatever one want, being able to contemplate way retirement whilst still enjoying a decent life and being to help our children.

However great the marriage is, divorce can always be around the corner, or a disability that means one genuinely can't earn that same level of income.

I appreciate your children have additional needs so it is harder and you might still need to be a carer when they are older, but try to project yourself in 10 and 20 years time and then imagine the worse. How bad would it be if you had given up work?

ExDH was the sole earner for years while I stayed at home with the children - it was a mutual agreement which made sense due to wrap around childcare costing more than my income.

This worked for a while, but then turned into me being responsible for all child-related issues, and him feeling justified in opting out, because he went out to work every day.
Given that one child is diagnosed with autism and the others are on the spectrum with difficult to deal with anxiety issues, him opting out became a massive bone of contention.

If I had my time again I would do things very differently, and would focus more on my career to protect my own financial independence.

Dh earns more than me by about 20k. In a few years I'll be on his pay scale so he can quit or go part time. I have started a new career and would hate being SAHM. Furlough over lockdown nearly killed me

It took us a few years post kids to get a balance that works for us. I took a slight step down but now in a much more enjoyable sector. We both work 4 days per week which helps us manage the home better, and make weekends feel less frantic.

I'm very anti not earning my own money, it leaves you very vulnerable if your marriage was to end.

Happy for us both to work full time, we earn about the same but working towards each improving. Neither one of us would, or would feel the need, to step down. But I'm relatively happy with the work life balance we have.

It would feel much more of a grind to me to be a SAHP, I've never struggled with the responsibility of working and home, we split things and have a good rhythm but even when he works away (for months) I've just never found it stressful (overall, obviously there will be days that go wrong!)

Just to add my balance is being able to work flexibly and from home, that gives me all I require to work full time but have a good balance. I don't feel the need to work part time with those conditions.

@menofharlech

I am the breadwinner, dh the sahp

Generally works well for us. I still do a lot of the food related stuff (packed lunches when at school, meal planning, cooking when I am at home) plus the house admin, he does the rest including the shopping. I don't spend as much with the kids on school stuff as I would like but my dm covers stuff my dh can't so between the 3 of us it's covered.

One note of caution though is I find it a HUGE pressure to be the one to bring the money in. I am quite well paid and we have savings so it's not that we struggle but it can be quite oppressive to know they all depend on me. In the current climate I'm petrified I'll lose my job even though we'd be ok for a fair while because there is only one income and no backstop.

I've worked since I was 14 and I'd quite like to take a back step or reduce hours or change direction but that's not an option for another 8 years til the kids are through school. DH was in IT but he's not worked in over a decade and his skills are all out of date so his opportunities are limited.

It is tiring.

@menofharlech this is exactly my situation - my OH also used to work in IT and has been out for over 10 years (though we don’t have the dm to help out). I absolutely echo your comment re being the sole earner - I find it incredibly stressful Knowing everything rests on me. It is very intense at times (like now when my company is discussing redundancy). We have some savings so could survive for a year and hopefully could find something in that time.

My DH is a high earner so I don’t work, I’m a SAHM to our 4 year old and 2 year old. I enjoy it and don’t plan on going back to work (ex-teacher) until the youngest starts school. BUT then I do plan on returning part-time once both children are at school. I’m not sure what I’d do all day otherwise! I’m just going to go back as a TA, which will be a lot less money than I was earning previously, but it’s a bit of financial security for me, to use as a springboard should our circumstances change. So it doesn’t need to be an all or nothing type situation.

Completely agree with @Meruem.

The lady who got my job when I quit had previously taken time out of her career. She was in her 50s with teenage children and had been on a temp contract in our office building up her career again. It’s the circle of life and breaks can come.

***

“I'm very anti not earning my own money, it leaves you very vulnerable if your marriage was to end.“ This statement seems scaremongerish. It’s this argument that could be preventing those who need something to give in their life from taking the action they need to release pressure. Getting a break on some aspect could paradoxically be better for the marriage in the long run save health problems from trying to be superman/woman.

@Thestreets ‘nobody plans for a marriage to end...’ I did. I might be an anomaly due to holding what seems to be an unorthodox viewpoint (still I wouldn’t try to convert anyone to it). I ran different scenarios before I quit my job. I hope it never happens, but I’ve been on UC calculator and when the baby comes I could receive as much as I took home on my £30kish full time job (if I received any money from a divorce it would be in addition). I’m prob. BJ’s worst nightmare with this mindset and I don’t want to open that can of worms on this thread. Obviously benefits change and my life would change, but it would have anyway. I’d build a different life up from there.

I'd go down to part time happily, but couldn't ever stay at home. I'd go insane.

@Redlocks28

I work 3.5 days - I’d like to go down to 3.

I think I’ll refrain from any decisions until I’ve had a SALT and Portage referral for the toddler but it would be possible to go down to 3 days I think. Especially as my assistant is really able and quite ambitious - I’d love her to step up a bit and maybe take over some of my responsibilities.

He’ll be eligible for 30 free hours then too so we could definitely afford the reduction.

@RedNun

Flip the sexes. How would you feel if your husband viewed the existence of your salary as a reason he ‘didn’t need to work’?

Absolutely fine!

I just don’t have the same earning potential but if I was able to be the Main breadwinner I’d be fine in principle if we made sure all of our arrangements ensured the kids were properly wrangled.

I earn the same as my partner but I'm part time and he is full time. I would love to be a stay at home wife /mum he needs to sort himself out 😂 I'm joking (kind of)

Neither. Women should never be financially dependent on a man, so I would never give up work and live off someone else. I also wouldn't respect a 'partner' who lived off me, unless they couldn't work (rather than chose not to).

Both working part time is the ideal in my eyes.

“Women should never be financially dependent on a man”

So what happens in this scenario then? The man is an entrepreneur and sells a company for 30 million? Or something similar? With this kind of money, your lifestyle will probably shift to some extent - for instance, you may be find yourself and your kids living in a house worth many, many times anything you could afford on your own. Maybe the DC are in independent schools? So, by default, you are, in fact, “living off a man” and your salary of £30, £50, £100k, while perfectly respectable, is suddenly fairly irrelevant. You know full well that if you split, you would be entitled to half the house, etc. So why pretend you aren’t “living off a man.” Your salary alone would not facilitate a fraction of that lifestyle. In fact, it may seem so negligible in the wider scheme of things, that you can’t justify doing it at all and decide your energy would be better focused on the kids. This is why many women become SAHMs. It’s opportunity-cost analysis and they do weigh up the short, medium and longer term and all eventualities.

In fact any woman with a DH who earns more than her snd who has joint-finances and a shared mortgage etc is “living off a man” to a greater or lesser degree. Could they afford it all by themselves? No. So I’m not sure why some women need to get on their high horses about this.