To ask would you rather you or your partner was the sole breadwinner and you didn’t have to work...

[Merryoldgoat]

Or that you were both pretty equally responsible for bringing in the money?

My DH and I are not high flyers but we’re both professional and have decent jobs and live comfortably.

He earns around 60k, me around 38k part-time.

He’s recently taken a step up so he’s working longer hours.

However I also have a responsible job and need to work pretty intensely at various times.

We have a cleaner and some support from PIL, childminder etc.

But I find it a grind.

I sometimes feel like encouraging him to get a much better paid job (this is possible if he changed sectors) and me taking a step down to a less challenging job so I had some time to get stuff sorted at home - it’s all a bloody rush atm.

If you have seen any previous threads of mine I have two children with additional needs and it’s quite a grind sometimes.

On the other hand I’m not a natural SAHM and I love my job.

I’m just musing really.

DH is great, does his share with everything but I do wonder if life would be better and/or easier if I wasn’t working as much/at the level I do.

YABU - better to both work and share the load
YANBU - better for one ‘breadwinner’ and someone dealing with mostly home stuff

Well me and DP don’t live together but No way could I let a man keep me.
I like the fact that I’ve paid for my house independently.
I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with it. If it suits you (collective you not personal you) then that’s fine.

Yes. 100 times yes..I'd love it. If he earned enough I'd quit tomorrow.

I sometimes feel like encouraging him to get a much better paid job

OK. How do you propose to suggest that? £60k is reasonably impressive, over double the national average. I don't know his sector but are you able to sell the whole lifestyle of your family to him beyond the "I think you should be EVEN BETTER paid..."

On the other hand I’m not a natural SAHM and I love my job.

Which is it?

Personally I wouldn’t want DH to be supporting the family as the sole earner if it meant that he was working long hours, and not able to be around at home. I enjoy family time and ‘sharing the load’ at home. I’d also be a bloody terrible housewife.

No. I think that as with most things, there are good and bad bits about working/childcare/running a home, so we’ve always preferred to each do some of both!
The sole breadwinner / SAHP works if you have partners who naturally fall into the categories of one being great career- wise and the other being happy doing all the home/ child stuff. But I don’t think many couples are like that, particularly since most people partner up with someone of similar abilities, aspirations etc
I also think that even if one of us was happy to be sole earner, it’s a bit too much of putting all your eggs in one basket for my liking. What if that person gets sick/ made redundant/ dies?
I wouldn’t want the burden of being sole breadwinner so I ain’t going to put it on my dh either

Nope! My DH earns a lot more than me and I find it frustrating and demoralising. He’s very willing to support me to train or look for better opportunities though so it’s ok in that respect but I’ve lost 10 years working part time in a pretty low level job whilst the kids are small (I never didn’t work at all because I just couldn’t) and my self confidence is a bit shot trying to get somewhere career wise. I wouldn’t lose the independence if you can help it.

I would never want to financially rely on a man. I did it before and it ended up with me on benefits when we split.

I'm a single parent so I work and do all the home stuff. It's just about being organised.

We only have one earner in our household - me! My salary is in the six figures and DH takes care of the house and garden. It suits us. I wouldn’t change it. I really enjoy my job. He is very happy taking care of the home. There’s no right or wrong answer on this - do what suits your circumstances best.

well my initial thoughts were that I would love to stay at home, I'm about to go back after a years maternity leave. I am the higher earner in our house and most things are paid from my salary.

But in reality, I wish DH could earn more in his industry so that I could still work but in a less stressful more enjoyable (and thus lower paid) job.

I would love to not have to work. I lived alone so supported myself from aged 19-36, and became a SAHM when I was 38-46. I hated being a SAHM (not really suited to looking after young children) but now I have two at high school, I would LOVE to give up work! I have never, even when I had a Proper Job, got a huge amount of satisfaction from it. Now I have a crappy job, I get even less.

I know I would enjoy the relaxed pace of life, keeping on top of the cleaning, walking the dog, going to the gym, going charity work in a sector that interested me etc.

However, that's just me - if you, as you say you do, love your job, would you really enjoy being at home? Even if it made your life easier?

I would prefer for me to be breadwinner and DH the SAHP if we ever decided to go down that route. Not that it would actually be a choice, he's on just above MW and I'm on £50k so it would be silly to do it the other way round.

We've briefly discussed it in line with COVID as both of us WFH while looking after a 6year old and trying to give her enough attention to actually educate her is basically impossible, how we've coped so far is a bit of a mystery, I think we're just in survival mode. If things don't work out with school from September then we'll have to revisit and think about him taking a sabbatical or going part time I think.

Wow we earn 22k and 30k and think we’re pretty well off. We could live off the 30k only if needed.

I am unintentionally in that situation at the moment. My DH is the sole breadwinner. I had a very intense career in what many would define as a 'glamorous' industry.
We have moved in order to have family support for the kids and I my sector does not exist here. I am looking at staring again entirely.
I hate it, I spent most of yesterday in tears thinking I'm never going to work again. I feel like I am totally outside of society and inconsequential.
If my children had high needs like yours maybe I would feel differently but as it is being a SAHM does nothing for my self esteem. I know raising kids is challenging and important but honestly I feel like I a stagnating and I would desperately like to be bringing in some money for my own sense of self worth.

Marriages end.

I am currently a carer to disabled adult/child and DH is the breadwinner so to speak. I do all the paperwork/life admin and appointments, get up ridiculous amounts of time during the night for the kids and hate being the SAHP.

I'm just starting to retrain (distance learning and plan to switch with DH as in theory I should then be able to earn more than him.

In my ideal world we would both work full time but due to the kids and lack of any outside support then someone has to stay at home and I want it to be him!

I don't have a job and my DH has a high paying (185k) job. It works for us, I've had some part time jobs working in care, been able to spend lots of time with my youngest DC who has epilepsy and now i look after my DM who has advanced dementia. We've had 25 years with this set up, I tend to get all the house stuff done in the week and weekends and evenings are just for doing fun stuff. I also gets loads of free time in the week to see friends and do hobbies.

I did quit. Was very happy and I helped out at the business when I wanted to. Unfortunately corona virus has pit paid to that and I'm back at work full time. I'm bloody miserable but it needs to be done.

There is nothing that scares me more than being financially dependent on a man.

I don’t live with my DP but if I did nothing would prompt me to take a pay cut which would give him the upper hand financially.

I would be very careful about making yourself financially vulnerable to him. Also pushing him to earn more could put a strain on your relationship.

Me and DH have agreed this will happen once we have children. I am naturally the one who does all of the cooking and cleaning and couple that with children it would be impossible and stressful (plus not financially sensible) for me to continue working FT. I can't wait to be a SAHM, I've worked everyday since I was 16 throughout college/uni as well and I've contributed massively to our lifestyle. However, I want to SAH for a good 5 years and bring up the children and then work PT if I need or want to.

I personally would actively hate being the "default parent", which is what it would amount to.

We plan to drop to 4 days a week each, with full time nursery so that we have the opportunity to catch up with home stuff whilst retaining the option to take them out early when we don't have things to do.

(yup, we're lucky to be this well off, but we also know our limits, and this would give us an ideal family/work balance)

No, I wanted an equal that shared everything. I also don’t want the children thinking men work and women don’t.

Being the sole earner in a couple is a huge responsibility and also means one person has no financial means of their own so the other has to provide for their every need, will be buying their own birthday/Christmas gifts etc. Plus should the relationship break down, there’s no job/salary to fund living alone.

Maybe it would be helpful rather than looking at your combined income to look at your outgoings?
Between you you make near enough £100K and for many people there ought to be some wiggle room there to make life less pressured/stressful.

Nobody can 'have it all' - that was the big mis-sell of a certain brand of feminism. Men have never had it all.
If your relationship is such that you can both talk about what you really want in life, in terms of values/posessions/experiences, then there might be a solution other than 'keep working really hard' and 'SAHM'.

If not, you'll either carry on as you are and resentment will likely build, or you will call it quits sooner.

I am now separated from my H (long boring, predictable story) and thank my lucky starts every day that I can support myself and our DCs in our family home. Had I stopped working when the going was tough, I'd now be in a much more difficult dependent situations. Just saying'.

I think both earning is best. Even if one earns/works more. I could never have depended financially on anyone else. I'm too independent.
I really enjoyed investing my own money and it's paid off for me.

I'd never want to. DH earns slightly more than me. But having 1 parent devoted to doing all the kid stuff does seem like it just makes life easier for the whole family rather than both parents juggling work and that stuff, or one parent too busy to do much, and the other parent juggling work and kid stuff.

@JuniperFather

I sometimes feel like encouraging him to get a much better paid job

OK. How do you propose to suggest that? £60k is reasonably impressive, over double the national average. I don't know his sector but are you able to sell the whole lifestyle of your family to him beyond the "I think you should be EVEN BETTER paid..."

On the other hand I’m not a natural SAHM and I love my job.

Which is it?

I said already that we live comfortably and I’ve not said he doesn’t earn ‘enough’ but we live in London, have a fairly large mortgage, childcare costs and both of our salaries are needed to maintain the house.

The sector he works in is a not for profit one - his skills are in demand in the private sector and jobs for in excess of £80k are commonplace for which he is able to do and has been approached to do.

What does your second point mean?

I’m not a SAHM, I’m not a natural one in that I don’t find it easy being with the kids every day and I love my job so being a SAHM wouldn’t necessarily be a great plan.

I don’t understand why you’re so hostile.