To ask would you rather you or your partner was the sole breadwinner and you didn’t have to work...

[Merryoldgoat]

Or that you were both pretty equally responsible for bringing in the money?

My DH and I are not high flyers but we’re both professional and have decent jobs and live comfortably.

He earns around 60k, me around 38k part-time.

He’s recently taken a step up so he’s working longer hours.

However I also have a responsible job and need to work pretty intensely at various times.

We have a cleaner and some support from PIL, childminder etc.

But I find it a grind.

I sometimes feel like encouraging him to get a much better paid job (this is possible if he changed sectors) and me taking a step down to a less challenging job so I had some time to get stuff sorted at home - it’s all a bloody rush atm.

If you have seen any previous threads of mine I have two children with additional needs and it’s quite a grind sometimes.

On the other hand I’m not a natural SAHM and I love my job.

I’m just musing really.

DH is great, does his share with everything but I do wonder if life would be better and/or easier if I wasn’t working as much/at the level I do.

YABU - better to both work and share the load
YANBU - better for one ‘breadwinner’ and someone dealing with mostly home stuff

I’d be terrified of the bread winner losing their job, specially in this climate. At least now If one of us loses their job the other can support us.

I think id rather be the breadwinner but only with a proper sahp that did all the stuff. All the thinking and sorting (shared at weekends obvs)

I support other posters saying this depends on individual circumstances and to do what works best for you. What works for some might not work for others and vice versa. I’m not writing this to try to convert anyone.

I quit my job a while ago and will soon be a ‘stay at home mum’ as we’re expecting. I have loved my time at home. When our child is eligible for the 14 hours free nursery I’m planning to find some part time work locally to save a bit of money into a pension/pay my NI. I hope to keep things as simple and local as possible.

I quit my full time job due to stress with a view to spending time getting my mental health on track. During this time we’ve decided to have a baby, so it didn’t make sense for me to go back. DH earns a good salary in a secure industry (IT) and really isn’t interested whether I work or not. He just wants me to be happy and healthy. He’s fairly happy in his job and computers are his life. In turn, I couldn’t imagine earning as much as he does and found my job stressful. So we have fallen into both doing what we like.

We are a team. Even when I was working we never saw things as mine or his. Everything has always been pooled and I contributed a lot financially when I was working. If one is in debt then it’s like a debt to both. He doesn’t ask me to earn money (he has better capacity for this) I don’t ask him to do much around the house (I have better attention to detail for this) - so there’s more harmony, less resentment than if I was trying to do a job, clean, eventually look after a baby.

I worked since I was 13 (was 33 when I resigned) alongside exams, degrees, travel, then full time work. I’ve struggled a lot along the way with my mental health. I have put this down to trying to do too much. I am at peace with not having the status of a career and realised I can’t do everything. I worked in a male dominated environment and even a lot of the men suffered from stress.

I don’t feel dependent on my husband as we both value one another’s contributions. I often think to myself when I’m doing a task - say cleaned the car, ‘I’ve just saved us £15 on valeting’ etc. So it adds up. I can see the marriage lasting longer as I’m less stressed, although I have gone through all the scenarios in my head and feel I could live on UC with our child if the worst comes to it.

Since becoming pregnant I worked out that after childcare (no grandparents in the area), transport and doggy daycare I would have £0 left of my old £30k ish full time salary. I guess some would say these are shared costs between me and DH and that I am subsidising him to work, but I don’t have that mindset. I’ve also suffered a lot from nausea and tiredness during pregnancy and it’s been a huge relief not to have to worry about taking sick leave and arranging appointment around work.

Again, it wouldn’t be for everyone and everyone has different life experiences.

Both of us don’t need to work. We don’t have children and are both high earners (me £106k, him £109k) so could comfortably live on one of our incomes.

I’d hate to give up my job and independence, though. We have a really happy marriage, but marriages end. I’d hate to have taken time out of work and have to go back in a more junior role.

Plus, we both have salaries and packages that are hard to walk away from.

I haven’t voted because o don’t think Yabu or Yanbu.

It depends on the person surely. OH is currently re training to be a teacher so I’m currently supporting the household off my wage (about £45k). This works out ok with OH student loan and childcare provided by family.

I’m not naturally a SAHM. I think I’d possibly enjoy part tome work if i wasn’t a teacher (I hate sharing classes which is why I wouldn’t consider it now).

As it stands, I love the buzz of my career, and progressing.

We have a cleaner though.

Me 100 percent

My husband and I have genuinely been drawn closer together by having dc. I think the reason is we both share patenting and we both work so we understand the challenges of both, we have a shared life experience and easy empathy for each other with both parenting challenges and work challenges.

My DH and I would rather get divorced then quit our jobs.

I think it totally depends on the individual circumstances.

I've been a SAHM since our youngest I was on ML with our youngest. Ours wasn't planned. I worked in a school and intended to go back. He had a Monday-Friday job. All in the same month I met the new Head Teacher in my school and realised he was hideous (within 12 months 9 staff members left, and it was a small school), we discovered that our youngest was going to need life-long care due to multiple health issues and then DH was interviewed for a job, didn't get it, but then got a call from them about a different role that was 2 years abroad in 4 month spells.

I have a bit of income from letting my old flat so I wasn't going to be completely financially dependent. The 2 years abroad was well paid enough that I don't ever have to go back to work (although I am going back PT after the summer) and DH now works 4 days a week. We paid into a pension for me as well, so that my retirement wasn't negatively affected.

It worked really well for us, but I love being at home. When my kids were at school and the youngest was at respite I was organising the breakfast and afterschool club I chair (and holiday playscheme) so being around the kids all day, every day was my ideal. It doesn't work for everyone and is very much the one thing that needs to be decided only by the people involved.

Both part time works really well for our family

Also I'll add to that that my DH thinks that a SAHP's job is parenting during work hours. So, housework and the mental load of housework, birthdays/family stuff, after school activities has all been shared. When he was away for months at a time we had an Au Pair to help with things like the school run (we have 6 kids).

There is a difference I think when the SAHP is responsible for absolutely everything.

It's nice to have options and if you both work then it's not stressful if there are redundancies etc because you're not totally reliant on one salary. I think I would buckle under the pressure overall life is 100x easier with a SAHP, I don't think it even matters which one you are because working without having any mental load distractions would be great. But if something happens, sickness, disaster, recession, then it would all be a bit too anxiety inducing for me.

Me and DH have kind of reversed roles since we married. He was in a low paid job when we get together I was in a similarly paid job but that gradually increased in wage each year. So I was earning more for around 7 years of our relationship. He then progressed in his career and had a significant pay bump which meant I could go PT. DH asked me to leave work if he got another pay bump. I said i didn’t think I was mentally equipped to be a SAHM. A second child and lockdown has shown me I was definitely right in my assumption! I can’t wait to go back to work after maternity leave. PT is the best of both worlds.

I wouldn’t have given up work if I hadn’t had children obviously, but it’s worked well. My DH earns quite a lot and I can’t say I loved my job (teaching) and it’s spared us putting our children in a breakfast club/after school club. Certainly makes everyone’s life easier and I’m protected financially.

I could never not pay my way. I would also get bored pretty quickly.

My DH earns plenty to keep us in a comfortable life so when l got made redundant, financially it wasn't an issue for us. But actually l wanted to keep my CV ticking over so there were no gaps in it and got myself a part time job earning peanuts just so l felt like l was contributing. I have always earned my own money and even though it isn't much, it makes me feel more equal. The problem is you just don't know what is around the corner so it is all very well relying on his money but that could change so quickly l would rather have the security of earning my own decent wage.

My OH and I have discussed this and have decided if we decide to have children we'll both work part time when they're little and then 4 days a week each when they're in school. We're very lucky job-wise that that's an option. I have already said I won't be taking any extended career breaks, I like my job and would hate to not be there.

My DH earns 2.5 x what I do. Partly because I took part time roles to fit around the children and have only gone back to my full time career in the last 3 years. We didn’t have any family support and it worked out financially better and better for our family for me to work part time. That said he has always pulled his weight no matter who earned the most. I would not give up work now even if his suddenly quadrupled his wage overnight as I love my job and the shared/equal roles we both play at home. I think people should just do whatever works best for their own set up and not worry too much about what others think.

@thecatsthecats term time only jobs are like hens teeth around here. Mostly filled by wives of high earners who can afford to hold out for the perfect job. Single parents who have to work end up taking any job they can get to avoid sanctions :(
( and I know everyone has as much right to a term time only job as any one else but I still feel a bit put out that I had to apply for and take any job I could get while the "yummy mummies" judged me for being a single mum, then judged me for working full time 15 hour days and then took the hours that would have been perfect for me while telling everyone they only do it for "pin money" )

The amount of people on Six figure salaries on MN never ceases to amaze me! Or maybe they’re the only ones who want to talk about money.

My DP (getting married next year - postponed due to Covid) earns a reasonable amount and is happy for me to do as I please as long as I’m bringing a small amount in.
I do a small amount of very enjoyable online work and ensure he is fed and watered each day and I can be with the dog as needed. I’m very happy and so is he.
He enjoys providing and I like feeling looked after.

Dh is a high earner (GP) and hates his job.

I'm unable to work due to my disability and I loved my job (teacher).

I wish I could work, even a bit, so that he didn't have to quite so much. It's not about the money, it's about us both being happy in our work/life balance.

Thanks everyone - it’s interesting reading everyone‘s responses.

I think I’ve just had a shitty week.

The reality is looking after the two boys during lockdown had taken its toll a bit and the realisation that they need so much support, and probably for the long term has made me feel a bit glum.

I really didn’t enjoy my most recent period of maternity leave and I’m still taking ADs for PND so I’d not be suited to being a full time SAHP.

It’s just hard as there’s lots of stuff I’d like to pursue for leisure but I just don’t have the time.

However the youngest will be starting nursery September 2021 and that might offer a little respite.

I don't know how anyone copes with being a SAHP, they are better people than me. It sounds horrendous. I'd end up either raising a total maniac or jumping off a bridge.

@Watdafark

I don't know how anyone copes with being a SAHP, they are better people than me. It sounds horrendous. I'd end up either raising a total maniac or jumping off a bridge.

This is why I’ve been on antidepressants for 18 months 😬