To ask would you rather you or your partner was the sole breadwinner and you didn’t have to work...

[Merryoldgoat]

Or that you were both pretty equally responsible for bringing in the money?

My DH and I are not high flyers but we’re both professional and have decent jobs and live comfortably.

He earns around 60k, me around 38k part-time.

He’s recently taken a step up so he’s working longer hours.

However I also have a responsible job and need to work pretty intensely at various times.

We have a cleaner and some support from PIL, childminder etc.

But I find it a grind.

I sometimes feel like encouraging him to get a much better paid job (this is possible if he changed sectors) and me taking a step down to a less challenging job so I had some time to get stuff sorted at home - it’s all a bloody rush atm.

If you have seen any previous threads of mine I have two children with additional needs and it’s quite a grind sometimes.

On the other hand I’m not a natural SAHM and I love my job.

I’m just musing really.

DH is great, does his share with everything but I do wonder if life would be better and/or easier if I wasn’t working as much/at the level I do.

YABU - better to both work and share the load
YANBU - better for one ‘breadwinner’ and someone dealing with mostly home stuff

It seems quite a diverse set of opinions.

It’s very hard to untangle a lot of stuff sometimes.

I think that I’m potentially just going through a tough time emotionally atm - I’ve had a difficult week with my 2yo who is about to be assessed for ASD, work is very busy for both my husband and me at the moment (him particularly) and I’m feeling quite ragged.

However I’ve always worked, I earn decent money myself, and I enjoy work too.

I think maybe it’s able balance.

We are very comfortably off - this is not in dispute. I’m not playing a poor me tune. It’s just musings about how I can make life a little less stressful.

We are equal earners and I love my career so it’s a non issue for us.

But I could never take the risk of losing my earning power and being fully dependent on my partner. I’ve seen marriages end unexpectedly, spouses die, terrible financial mismanagement. No one knows what’s around the corner.

And I’d be the worst kind of SAHM. Fat, bored and waaaaay too involved in my family’s lives!

Im a SAHM and DH is the sole breadwinner atm. I prefer it that way. I can organise home life the way i want and he doesnt get in my way. He does his share and helps out a lot, but follows my lead and never argues about our schedule.
Also my youngest is starting kindy soon, which will give me so much free time
We have talked about me going back to work, but we decided i stay home til the youngest starts school full time, which wont be for another 2 years.

I quit my job last year as my DD was diagnosed with severe dyslexia and needs a lot of support with homework.

I am definitely not the typical SAHM and I am loving it! My H is on a very good wage. I could be on a good wage myself but my DDs education and support is more important. I'll hopefully get back to work part-time soon, but honestly, I'm in no rush.

DH is nearly 15 and pretty much self sufficient. He wouldn't need me to be a SAHM. I earn more than DH so it wouldn't make much sense. Maybe go more part time instead.

We are very comfortably off - this is not in dispute. I’m not playing a poor me tune. It’s just musings about how I can make life a little less stressful.

Throw money at the problem.

You are going to have to prioritise what is important for you/the two of you/your family.

In an ideal world I would work 09:30-2:30 term time only 3-4 days a week. However I have yet to find such a perfect job and I imagine competition would be fierce. Second ideal would be SAHM while DH worked. Current situation is third preferred option as I am term time only and finish at 3 but have to start at 7 and work 5 days a week.

My dh is the stay at home parent. We weren't in massively high wage jobs, just adjusted our spending and decided it was best for our family. At the moment it suits us, may look to change when out lo starts school. I enjoy work more than him and had a higher earning potential so it just worked out.

DH earns more than me.

His monthly bring home pay (full time) is about £2,400 and mine is £1’500 (part time).

I work two days a week and it’s heaven!!!

This year our youngest child will be eligible for his free 30 hours which means I’m getting two days home alone every week and I can’t wait.

I often dream how lovely it would be if my husband earned more money and I could just stay at home....

In reality I may get a bit bored but I do enjoy the fantasy......

Yes, I love being at home.

Not really bothered. If I didn't go out to work I'd be working on the house no doubt. Likewise he would be. I guess I might get bored as I don't have kids. He would too.

@iklboo your DH is 15

I'd love to have a rich husband funding me staying at home
But I'm a single mum who is currently too ill to work so stay at home without the benefit of a decent wage.

I wish he earned enough so I didnt have to work.
I'd quit straight away.
I'd love to be a SAHM, and maybe have more children but really difficult at present.

OP could you pay for more help to make life easier, a part time housekeeper perhaps or go more part time?

Both of us would rather be at home .

When we sold our business we both took on low paid part time jobs. DH works 3 days a week, I'm a TA.

It works for us at the moment.

Before DC, in our twenties and not living together I thought exactly the same as a few posters on here - “I could never be financially dependent on a man.”

However DH has always earned roughly half as much again as I did, despite similar levels of education and professional qualification- simply due to career/industry sector choices. So when we married and had DC it made far more financial sense for me to work PT (plus I didn’t want to work full time, I loved being with the baby). Trying to juggle my high-stress professional job PT nearly killed me and I quickly realised it was either go full time (which I didn’t want), find another job or be a SAHM.

So I opted for SAHM which I did for years. By and large it has worked for us - partly because DH achieved quite a few promotions in the years after I gave up, so we could afford it fairly easily - and our lives are definitely less logistically stressful as a result. DH would be the first to say he could not do his job as well as he does if I wasn’t taking care of the bulk of the house and kids stuff. That’s not to say he doesn’t pull his weight - he does - but it’s just less stressful.

I also do a shed load of quite senior level voluntary work (organising clubs, chairing committees etc which probably equates to 10-15 hours per week in term time) as well as a paid PT school admin job. These give me a sense of professional satisfaction, show our DC that I’m not “just at home“ (they are all school age and I think it is important for school age DC to see both parents doing something constructive outside of the home) as well as a feeling that I’m using my skills to give back to the community somehow. So I’m quite happy with how things are.

Financially we have set things up so that I have access to independent money and savings and we are joint on the mortgage etc so I don’t feel vulnerable in that sense either. It is a partnership- I fulfil my bit, he fulfils his.

I’ll be honest and say it wasn’t how I thought life would be when I was 25 (I’m now late 40s) and I do wonder how different life would have been if I’d plugged away at my career and not given up. But we are where we are and we are very happy and that’s not to be sneezed at.

I would bloody hate not to be earning.

I’m the higher earner by a long way in our marriage, I would never feel that it was “our money.” I don’t want to get into an argument with anyone on whether it should be... I’d tell women on here that it is. But I know I wouldn’t feel it myself, I’d always feel uncomfortable. I had no pocket money as a child and had a part time job at 12, so I’ve always felt like I was paying my own way.

That’s apart from security aspect of it... but I suppose I wouldn’t feel insecure if I was married with lots of savings and pension and house equity... but I still wouldn’t feel it was my money to spend.

Given the economic uncertainty, although you both have excellent salaries, I just wouldn’t put all my eggs in one basket. I wouldn’t put the financial burden into one party without 2 years of money in savings to give us breathing space with redundancy or illness. I’d also try as hard as I could to have the part timer keep a day a week, to stay employed.

I am the breadwinner, dh the sahp

Generally works well for us. I still do a lot of the food related stuff (packed lunches when at school, meal planning, cooking when I am at home) plus the house admin, he does the rest including the shopping. I don't spend as much with the kids on school stuff as I would like but my dm covers stuff my dh can't so between the 3 of us it's covered.

One note of caution though is I find it a HUGE pressure to be the one to bring the money in. I am quite well paid and we have savings so it's not that we struggle but it can be quite oppressive to know they all depend on me. In the current climate I'm petrified I'll lose my job even though we'd be ok for a fair while because there is only one income and no backstop.

I've worked since I was 14 and I'd quite like to take a back step or reduce hours or change direction but that's not an option for another 8 years til the kids are through school. DH was in IT but he's not worked in over a decade and his skills are all out of date so his opportunities are limited.

It is tiring.

@Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear

In an ideal world I would work 09:30-2:30 term time only 3-4 days a week. However I have yet to find such a perfect job and I imagine competition would be fierce. Second ideal would be SAHM while DH worked. Current situation is third preferred option as I am term time only and finish at 3 but have to start at 7 and work 5 days a week.

My organisation is in the education sector. We advertise positions as term time only, 30hpw regularly, with the option for anything up to full time.

We get NO applications for term time only. The wage is reasonable too - not fantastic, but certainly not pennies (17k after pro rata and tax). You'd certainly think that it would appeal to someone more interested in the flexibility than a big salary.

I’m in the fortunate position where I don’t need to work, but am a professional and wanted to maintain my place in the workplace and keep my knowledge up to date. Being a SAHM is not for me. I work 3 days a week and love the balance.

@Awwlookatmybabyspider - yep. I'm a cradle snatcher . Whoops. Meant DS is nearly 15. But DH is younger.

That really surprises me!

No way. I’m on around £50k and my DP is on about £100k. Kids are just about in their teens and mortgage could theoretically be paid off from savings. I do a job I love. I left it when the kids were young and probably cost myself a few promotions but it worked for us at the time, though being a SAHM wasn’t for me. I was very lucky to get back into my role. I like having my own money and not being accountable if I want to spend it on a £40 pot of face cream or a ridiculous chandelier. The other thing that’s important to me, apart from the ‘professional kudos’ of my job and the fact that I really enjoy it, is what if one of us got made redundant or sick? Two salaries mean that if the worst comes to the worst and we lose one we can still pay the bills, the kids can still do their clubs, etc. Sure, we wouldn’t necessarily have nice holidays or face creams or chandeliers, but on a day to day level we’d be fine. We’re in our 50s now, so if we did get made redundant it wouldn’t be an easy journey back into employment. My DP’s ex wife was a SAHM and he loves that he doesn’t have to pay for everything, and that I have something to talk about when I come home from work. He doesn’t have to worry about redundancy because he knows we’ll be ok financially.

If things are tricky for you, buy in help if you can afford it. There’s no point in taking Friday off to do the cleaning if you earn £25 an hour when you can pay someone to do it for £12 an hour. Get a gardener, get a Tesco delivery, get a Hello Fresh box in every now and again.

Id so much rather be the breadwinner, he can go part time and also do the massive job of child & house management. Then we can both pretend hes just a 'part time' worker so I get put my feet up at home and have all that done for me and have all the financial power.

But seriously, a lot of trust required to give up your foot in the world of work. What happens if he has an affair and decides its all over. I'm not saying live in fear, but certainly have a contingency plan.