To ask would you rather you or your partner was the sole breadwinner and you didn’t have to work...

[Merryoldgoat]

Or that you were both pretty equally responsible for bringing in the money?

My DH and I are not high flyers but we’re both professional and have decent jobs and live comfortably.

He earns around 60k, me around 38k part-time.

He’s recently taken a step up so he’s working longer hours.

However I also have a responsible job and need to work pretty intensely at various times.

We have a cleaner and some support from PIL, childminder etc.

But I find it a grind.

I sometimes feel like encouraging him to get a much better paid job (this is possible if he changed sectors) and me taking a step down to a less challenging job so I had some time to get stuff sorted at home - it’s all a bloody rush atm.

If you have seen any previous threads of mine I have two children with additional needs and it’s quite a grind sometimes.

On the other hand I’m not a natural SAHM and I love my job.

I’m just musing really.

DH is great, does his share with everything but I do wonder if life would be better and/or easier if I wasn’t working as much/at the level I do.

YABU - better to both work and share the load
YANBU - better for one ‘breadwinner’ and someone dealing with mostly home stuff

Option C: your dh reduces his hours and picks up more of the daily grind.

Could you dedicate an evening or part of the weekend for your leisure interests?

well in our house hold no one works

we are both carers(carers allowance each)

both boys have numerous disabilities each(dla each) and need 2 adults,they are home ed as well so need 24/7 care

so your could say we are both equal,saying that he does the housework i take care of the money

I am the main earner in our house although DH does do some freelance work part time. It's fairly seasonal so there are times when he doesn't work. It works well for us.

It wasn't that way originally but DH became very ill with work related stress and ended up leaving his job. It was the right decision - no job is worth being ill over. We do have significant savings though and our house is mortgage free so although I do carry the responsibility of earning, it's not as stressful as it might be.

For me personally, I wouldn't want to not work through choice. I enjoy my job and I like being self sufficient.

@Nosuchluck

Could you dedicate an evening or part of the weekend for your leisure interests?

I do spend some time on Sundays doing a hobby.

I know it’s only whilst the kids are small it will be like this though.

@TAKESNOSHITSHIRLEY

well in our house hold no one works

we are both carers(carers allowance each)

both boys have numerous disabilities each(dla each) and need 2 adults,they are home ed as well so need 24/7 care

so your could say we are both equal,saying that he does the housework i take care of the money

That sounds like both have your hands extremely full.

I hope you get some respite now and again.

@Popjam

Option C: your dh reduces his hours and picks up more of the daily grind.

This might be possible longer term and is worth investigating for sure

I sure as hell would not want to be a SAHP. No thanks. Not for me. Dh definitely wouldn’t either. He does earn more than me as he’s self employed and his income has been more variable over the years (now quite high), whereas I have a more normal salaried professional career. But definitely both very happy to be working. We both like what we do though. If I won the lottery, I’d still carry on working as always.

There's only one breadwinner In My household as I'm a single parent.

I love it when my OH is off work, He runs around after the kids, gets jobs done in the house, bakes etc. He would be a better SAHP than I would be. But my job doesn’t pay well enough, and he wouldn’t want to be at home anyway.

I wonder if the future norm will be 2 part time workers. More equality. Pay less tax. I like that idea.

DH and I are both high earners. If I worked full time I’d be just scraping 6 figures, DH earns several times my salary- we don’t need what I earn and I could be a SAHM. But, I think I’ve worked too long and hard at my career to give it up, and I think it’s important for DC to see a working mum. I’ll also be able to support myself if DH finds an OW!

There is genuinely no right or wrong answer to this OP. People get quite vehement about this issue for some reason, but you only live once so you should just be honest about How you feel. People (particularly women) always feel as if they have to justify their work / life balance, but as long as they’re happy, it’s if nobody else’s concern or business. You don’t need to seek approval for the choices you make in terms of your personal life. Everyone is different.
I’ve been a SAHM for 17 years and I can tell you it’s absolutely fine. As long as you have mutual respect. You don’t have to have the same “roles” to be “equal.” To some couples, it just comes naturally and each play to their strengths and you couldn’t imagine it any other way really. As for “financial independence,” well, if you’re married it’s all mutual anyway, regardless of who earns what. So what’s the difference? I mean, I wouldn’t have been a SAHM if things had been a financial struggle. But I was in a situation where my salary was irrelevant really, relative to his, so why be in a situation where you’re always juggling childcare?

I'd love to be a SAHM again. When I go back to work we'll barely be breaking even due to childcare but my husband insistes that I go back and being a SAHM has to be a joint decision.
Now if I was doing the job I'm qualified for I think I'd feel differently and would be happy to carry on working. Unfortunately it's not really practical with a young child.

DH is the breadwinner and I'm a sahm. I wouldn't have had a dc with him if we couldn't manage on his salary tbh - life is busy enough being a sahm and it would be too stressful (for me) to manage with a job as well. I don't cope with stress very well but obviously others do, so it's a very individual decision. I also wasn't enjoying my job before I had my dd, so that was also a factor in my decision. Financially there is no real pressure on DH as his industry is thriving and he's very senior so no threat of redundancy etc. We view all household income as ours so we have complete equality when it comes to money. My dd isn't at nursery yet so my hands are full with her all day. I don't have much time for my own interests right now (partly out of choice because at weekends I'd rather spend time with DH and dd than go off and do my own thing) but I know I'll get a better balance when she starts nursery and then school.

£37K for part time is a good part time salary-how many days do you work? Can you drop one?

I earn slightly more than DH. We could manage just about on one salary but it wouldn't be particularly comfortable. I am not long back from maternity leave and though I loved my time of with DD I also really missed my job and am loving being back. It helps that we are both wfh for foreseeable so although that has its own challenges we are still getting to spend lots of time with DD. But being a SAHP would definitely not be for me.

I think so much comes down to how much you enjoy your job - I love mine and have worked extremely hard to get where I am in my career so I couldn't imagine giving it up. But I can also absolutely see that if I didn't enjoy my job and get satisfaction from it then my views would be very different.

My situation is that I’m single and childfree, and intend staying that way.

I have a job which I love, though it is stressful. It’s very well paid and I have a good, comfortable lifestyle.

I hope to retire in my early 50s, and would have no problem filling my time if I did so.

I would hate to be financially dependent on someone and similarly I’d hate to have someone financially dependent on me.

I would absolutely continue working if I was you. From what I have seen, in relationships where the lower earner stops working they tend to end up as the maid and general dogsbody which gradually erodes the respect in the relationship. Even the most woke and considerate man knows at least subconsciously that you’re more vulnerable when you’re dependant on them financially and I think their behaviour starts to reflect that.
Not to mention that nowadays in the event of divorce a 50:50 split of assets is the starting point and spousal maintenance vanishingly rare. I don’t think the role of homemaker is adequately acknowledged legally. Mostly I keep working though because I would die of resentment if I had to wash his undies.

[quote TheFormerPorpentinaScamander]@thecatsthecats term time only jobs are like hens teeth around here. Mostly filled by wives of high earners who can afford to hold out for the perfect job. Single parents who have to work end up taking any job they can get to avoid sanctions :(
( and I know everyone has as much right to a term time only job as any one else but I still feel a bit put out that I had to apply for and take any job I could get while the "yummy mummies" judged me for being a single mum, then judged me for working full time 15 hour days and then took the hours that would have been perfect for me while telling everyone they only do it for "pin money" )[/quote]
If it helps, we actually turned down a wife of a high earner because she spelled out that it was "just pin money" for her (she was a bitch to the other candidates in the group interview too). It probably sounds awful, but as an employer, I have a strong preference for people who NEED to work, and NEED our flexibility.

It probably sounds like I'm going after people who are desperate so I can exploit them! But why I actually like it is that I find employees with a robust work life balance to have the best attitude to work and make the best contributions. We're a company, not a rescue centre.

Managing flexibility is a small price to pay for employees who are trouble free. (I'm afraid I'm an incredibly lazy manager who likes capable hard workers who get on with it without my constant chivvying, and who don't have complex emotional needs.)

I couldn't live like that - I'd like not to have to work, but not in a situation where I'd be stuffed if my husband could no longer work, lost his job, or left me.

The second solution works best for the family but not for the person doing the home grunt work. Who then misses out on future earnings potential, pension and job reward. But that person does obviously get some benefit.as well.

I would have happily done it ten years ago but currently I feel really rewarded by my stressful professional career and my earnings are much better than I thought they would be. And my dc will be fleeing the nest in the next 3-10.years.

That’s my life and I don’t enjoy it. I’m planning on retraining soon so I’m working as well. He’ll always be the high earner but I need to have my own money coming in again.

I find the idea that anyone would voluntarily make themselves economically dependent on anyone else bizarre. I mean, it has literally never occurred to me to view my husband’s salary as evidence I ‘don’t need to work’.