Am I horrible wife to not want my Dh to go back down A pay grade?

[Specksofwhiteallaround]

Just before lock down my husband was encouraged to apply for a job within his current company that came with a hell of a pay jump - an extra £20 k a year. I can’t go into detail as he works with the MoD but it’s essentially the same as his old job but a larger project hence the pay increase. He dithered a bit as he thought he wouldn’t get it but went for it and after being vouched for by various managers and coworkers above him he got it. He was told at the time if he was too much for him he could go back to his old job with no penalties.
Roll on four or so months and he’s now stressed, convinced he’s holding up the entire project and wants to go back to his old job. My problem with this is he has a horribly negative view of the world and no self confidence at all so he was exactly the same in his old job, only on top of that we were horribly off with money. We could afford our rent and bills but were having to use the credit card frequently for unexpected expenses. Public transport is sketchy and expensive so we never went anywhere unless my parents happened to visit and take us which is pretty embarrassing. Any treats were not an option and if we were given notice from our landlord we would be in an awful position.
He’s also refusing it acknowledge that he hasn’t actually had any time in this job that hasn’t been during lock down and working from home. It’s not an easy job to do at home, at least five of his co workers and managers have gone off work with stress and he was forced to take a week off before he ended up the same. They’ve now taken on additional staff and he admits things would be easier when they’re actually in a normal work environment but doesn’t seem willing to waiting until September when it sounds like they’ll all be back in work and see if there’s an improvement.
For context we have a six year old son who is autistic and attends a special school, I myself do not work as I have severe social anxiety and ptsd on top of that. I’d love to be able to say to him, fine go back to the old job but all I can think is that we can finally get by without getting into debt or worse having handouts from my family and he’s going to throw it all away and go back to a job that he spent just as much time complaining about and he’ll expect me to be sympathetic about it. I can’t even talk about it to my family as I’m mortified about talking to them about finally standing on our own two feet and giving my son everything he misses out on and then having to tell them we’re right back where we started.
I’m just so demoralised by it all that I can’t tell if I’m being completely selfish and if I should be supporting him with his choice.

Sorry I’ve just realised quite what an essay that is

I think if your husband has a tricky job, disabled son and mentally unwell wife then its very reasonable hed want to lighten the load somewhere.

I would have to agree with PP who say you should get a job to lessen your husband’s burden. Having a vocation and a purpose in life will greater improve the way you feel about yourself. The only way to overcome things is to be brave.

Have you seen the mumsnet thread about earning an extra £10 a day?
Most of it is stuff that can be done from home. Might be worth a look.

So you’re allowed to have mental health issues, but he isn’t? Five colleagues signed off with stress, and him being told to take a week off to avoid the same? And all you’re talking about is money money money

This I agree with. If you overload your DH, he will break down and you’ll both be on disability.

How much did your DH earn before the £20k pay rise?

You need to sort out your PTSD and anxiety, the right job may even help. You’re putting a lot of the burden on your husband.

are you claiming dla and carers for your son ? MYbe look at pip for you? These will help the finances.

SprinklesMcDoodles
You don't work because you have social anxiety but think it's ok to pressure your partner into staying in a job that is stressing him out? That's not fair, there are ways to cope with social anxiety and contribute to family finance. What would you do if he were unable to work?

Very well said. If you don't deal with your mental issues and get a job, you're really not in a position to dismiss his.

We’re only entitled to Dla, I will admit we last applied on advice of portage before our son was officially diagnosed and were turned down, we do need to reapply. He earns too much to claim anything else but we live in a expensive area and our rents crippling which is why I floated the idea of working now I’m doing better after having therapy last year. As I said he doesn’t want to do sole child care or work around term time. I’ve I’ve not seen any suitable term time jobs within our area.
I had six sessions of cbt which dealt only with the social anxiety aspect, it helped in that I’m out the house more but things are still difficult and there’s no more therapy being offered.
For what it’s worth I’ve not voiced my worries to him, I don’t have a right to but I am dreading the lack of money and hearing him complain endlessly about it. It’s always me who has to make a workable budget and say no to treats for things and it’s not nice to endlessly be the bad guy.
Oh and for the person who said to stop sponging off my parents they don’t give us money, they will give us a lift into town when they visit as they enjoy it too. My Dh was the one saying we’d get a car sorted and be able to go visit them etc, so it’s bit embarrassing having to now say oh that’s not happening after all.

I am sorry but if you feel you can’t work due to social anxiety it’s not fair to tell him he has to do a job he’s finding stressful so you can have more money.

I think YABU, so you don't want him to take his old job back and lose the extra money, but at the same time you say you have social anxiety so can't work. If you need extra money then I think both of you should be working.

Please apply again for the dla, if he gets it them you will be able to claim carers for looking after him

Yabu. It must be a hell of a pressure being sole earner. I wouldn’t want to do it, hence dh and I have always both worked.
It does feel like you’re considering your own mental health but not his... it’s not going to do the family any good if he goes under with stress.
You need to accept that lots of people with social anxiety push themselves out of their comfort zone and go to work. It’s really wrong to put all the pressure on your dh rather than looking at ways to share the burdens of earning, running a home and caring for children

Are there any other jobs you could apply for that don't include working with people? Or have you just accepted that you will never work again? That doesn't seem very fair to your h. What are you doing to address your mh issues?

Surely since you have severe mh issues, you can sympathise with your h? If give people have gone off sick since lockdown, sounds like it must be a stressful environment.

But I think I'd encourage him to stick it out until he's back in the office. Perhaps he'll find it easier and less stressful then?

But you need to sit down with him and discuss the future: what you both want, if you get a job he will have to step up with childcare, etc.

My husband had the same issue. He was encouraged to go for a new job and after 3 months felt really out of his depth. He cracked one day and it all came out. We were fortunate that we could afford for him to return to his previous post and I told him his health was more important and we would cut our cloth. I got him to go to the docs and speak to his employer. What he didn’t realise was that everyone felt he was doing an amazing job and if anything He wasn’t delegating and was taking on too much. He had a really supportive boss and the doc referred him for cbt. 3 years later and he hasn’t looked back and even acted up to another position.

I know financially it may not be good for you if he returned to his old post but without realising it you could be adding to his anxiety.

Why can't you get a job? It's ok for him to be stressed and overworked but you have anxiety so "can't work"? Maybe your husband has the same thing too only he has to suck it up or you don't eat. You seem to have 1 rule for you and another for your husband.

Yes you are being selfish.

He won’t want to look after our son on his own all evening and weekends and do his day job on top of it.
I’m really beginning to see how this is going to be my fault regardless.

Being a martyr will not help!

Do you know your h won't want to look after your ds at weekends, or are you assuming?

What does it matter what anyone else thinks? This is your marriage. None of anyone else's business.

Why would you be working eves and weekends? Why not get a 9-5 job?

I used to work for the MoD, and now work private sector in the Middle East. I suspect going back to his old job won’t be as easy as they committed to, especially given the colleagues are now off. It sounds like he has had prolonged mental health issues with regard to blame, disillusionment and self confidence. It can also be problematic for security clearances to get access to a therapist.

I was fortunate to be able to afford to go entirely privately (so without my health insurance) and see a therapist who would not disclose/no one would contact. I was suffering from PTSD and severe anxiety resulting in an ED, and together we worked through it. Could he use some of the extra money he earns now to do something similar? My therapist was in another region and I travelled for extra secrecy, but I’m sure many will do online consultations at the moment. That might not be necessary depending on his role, but DM me if he wants a referral.

As someone with mental health issues, you know that it’s not that he’s not listening - it’s that your voice is crowded out by louder thoughts. Be patient, be present. Maybe couples counseling would be an option too.

Have you looked into New Style ESA and PIP for you?

It was me who wrote saying you need to stop sponging off your parents.

"I’d love to be able to say to him, fine go back to the old job but all I can think is that we can finally get by without getting into debt or worse having handouts from my family
I'm sorry OP, I mis-read the above about handouts from your family and thought you were saying you may have to go back to having handouts from them.

I get it. My partner works in a job that means his working hours change weekly, we often dont know more than 3 weeks in advance and we have 4 children, one with a physical disability and on the spectrum. He's scared of risk taking and doesnt want to find something more predictable with higher pay in case it doesnt work out and we lose the income he brings in.

I was the one to stay at home and care for our children because finding a job around his hours was impossible, and childcare was going to be almost double what I could earn for 4 children. When it finally got too much and I couldn't cope with the shit anymore, his bitching and how bad finances were, I told him if he wanted to bitch he best find a therapist and I started up a cleaning company, with open university part time to get my masters in business management. I set my own hours for during school time only with a couple of staff I've hired along the way to work school holidays, weekends and after school hours. It is doable to find something for yourself and help ease the financial pressures, but he needs to step up with the parenting. That way he can take the lower paid job, you can bring in money too and you are not also landed with all of the childcare responsibilities. His kid too.

6 sessions of CBT doesn't sound like much. I think you need far more therapy. Have you considered asking for EMDR for the PTSD?

I found CBT absolutely useless for anxiety and agoraphobia.

Look up schemes in your area where counselling cost is based on income. I've lived in 2 v expensive areas where this has been available. But honestly it is very hard work, and you have to put the work in. It took me 5 years of therapy and tinkering with medications, but I'm now earning a decent salary, learned to drive, and am mostly over the main issues I had. Don't get me wrong I'm still anxious and struggle with certain situations, but I'm a fully functioning person now. Whereas before I used to have panic attacks about leaving the house.

I think you really need to work on this rather than pressure DH to earn more to balance out you not earning. If DS is in school you could at least work 9-3, so 30 hours a week or so.

Recovery is hard work, but you really have to push yourself, keep trying, and expose yourself to the scenarios you feared. I know CBT touches on exposure therapy, but you can buy/download books about it, or read about it online.

@notapizzaeater

Please apply again for the dla, if he gets it them you will be able to claim carers for looking after him

This ^^ it's something you can do at the very least to take some pressure off. You're missing out on money.

GET A JOB!

Sorry but it really annoys me when someone else tries to manage a person's career. You don't have to do his job. If you're worried about money then earn some!!