Am I horrible wife to not want my Dh to go back down A pay grade?

[Specksofwhiteallaround]

Just before lock down my husband was encouraged to apply for a job within his current company that came with a hell of a pay jump - an extra £20 k a year. I can’t go into detail as he works with the MoD but it’s essentially the same as his old job but a larger project hence the pay increase. He dithered a bit as he thought he wouldn’t get it but went for it and after being vouched for by various managers and coworkers above him he got it. He was told at the time if he was too much for him he could go back to his old job with no penalties.
Roll on four or so months and he’s now stressed, convinced he’s holding up the entire project and wants to go back to his old job. My problem with this is he has a horribly negative view of the world and no self confidence at all so he was exactly the same in his old job, only on top of that we were horribly off with money. We could afford our rent and bills but were having to use the credit card frequently for unexpected expenses. Public transport is sketchy and expensive so we never went anywhere unless my parents happened to visit and take us which is pretty embarrassing. Any treats were not an option and if we were given notice from our landlord we would be in an awful position.
He’s also refusing it acknowledge that he hasn’t actually had any time in this job that hasn’t been during lock down and working from home. It’s not an easy job to do at home, at least five of his co workers and managers have gone off work with stress and he was forced to take a week off before he ended up the same. They’ve now taken on additional staff and he admits things would be easier when they’re actually in a normal work environment but doesn’t seem willing to waiting until September when it sounds like they’ll all be back in work and see if there’s an improvement.
For context we have a six year old son who is autistic and attends a special school, I myself do not work as I have severe social anxiety and ptsd on top of that. I’d love to be able to say to him, fine go back to the old job but all I can think is that we can finally get by without getting into debt or worse having handouts from my family and he’s going to throw it all away and go back to a job that he spent just as much time complaining about and he’ll expect me to be sympathetic about it. I can’t even talk about it to my family as I’m mortified about talking to them about finally standing on our own two feet and giving my son everything he misses out on and then having to tell them we’re right back where we started.
I’m just so demoralised by it all that I can’t tell if I’m being completely selfish and if I should be supporting him with his choice.

Sorry I’ve just realised quite what an essay that is

I would suggest that he stay in the job and you use the money to get you both some therapy - him for his outlook and stress management and you for anxiety and ptsd. Then, if he’s still unhappy, he can go back to his old job and you, with some confidence and ‘tools’ from therapy may be able to go back to work. Worth a shot.

YABU, as others have said, to expect him to soldier on with his MH, whilst you don’t work due to your own.

I stepped down after 4 months from a promotion, and my wife was 100% behind me. She would rather have a healthy husband than a little more money. Then again she brings money to the table to.

I just wish I’d never encouraged him. I guess the only solution is for me to find work but he won’t want to look after our son on his own all evening and weekends and do his day job on top of it

Agree with other pp that it seems you're allowed to have mental health issues but he isn't. That's not fair on him - especially as the sole earner.

You need to sit together and work it out. If he has a choice between staying where he is, or parenting on his own sometimes, that's what it comes down to.

Ok - well there is 4 options basically isn’t there.

1. He carries on in his current job. Stressful each day but may get better plus no money worries or childcare worries.
2. He goes down role. You get an evening role. Less stress for him each day but then he has to look after ds alone after work which may be stressful. He also will have to leave work on time everyday to ensure that you can get to your job. Risk to your mental health but if it works out might be good for you.
3. He goes down role. You try and get a school hours job. May not pay as much / will cost to get there and so might be money worries. Also - for the first six months or so he will have to do all the appointments / leaving if son is ill in order to allow you to prove yourself in new role. Risk to your mental health but if it works out then might be good for you.
4. He goes down role. You don’t work. You both have to deal with severe money worries but less work stress and no childcare stress.

There isn’t really any other options. You two need to figure out together which of these is the least bad for you.

Sorry, just saw your last post and you’ve addressed therapy. However, I disagree. PTSD due to an abusive childhood can only be addressed through therapy. So it is as simple as getting good therapy to work through it. The therapy itself will be very challenging, but nothing compared to what you’ve already been through, or what it’s like day to day living with PTSD. I know from experience.

Do neither if you drive?

Could you not consider finding day time office agency work, cleaning, school office work?

It's not realistic or fair to expect him to shoulder the full burden of being breadwinner and want him to earn more when it is making him extremely unhappy.

I think your priority should be finding the correct medication to manage your anxiety, and finding a more intensive therapy type to enable you to return to work. I don't mean to sound unsympathetic, I suffered from agoraphobia in my 20s, and finding the correct medication and therapist is key.

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP. If it were just this job that was causing him anxiety, then yes, but since every single job he's in is the same, then why not stay in the one that pays £20K more if nothing is actually going to change for him mental health wise if he drops back? Also only taking 2 weeks leave in a year is really stupid.

If he does go back, then I think it's unreasonable of him to continue his stance of not parenting your son alone. I think that's ridiculous! As you've explained it means you're unable to work round him being there, because it's as if you're a single mum with no support.

You moved somewhere for his job, and have been unable to get one yourself that works round both his hours and his refusal to parent. He doesn't want you to have a job where he might be needed at home at any time because he only takes 2 weeks leave himself. He also told you that it would be best to leave your job and to stay at home.

I think it has to be up to him what he does, I also think that if he returns to his old job then you need to make clear that that things have to change. Despite your social anxiety and ptsd you've worked in the past, so you're not incapable of doing so now.

Have a think about what YOU would like from life, how you'd like to see your family progress, then talk to him when you have it clear in your mind what you want to do.

What is the initial salary that it can go up £20? Maybe instead post income/expenditure and see ways to adjust spending so not using credit cards etc.

@Specksofwhiteallaround could you maybe give a bit more detail? It is really hard to understand how the financial situation was so dire when your husband must have been fairly senior already to be able to achieve such a significant pay increase? You say you have a landlord, so don’t have your own place, depend on public transport so don’t drive or run a car, Can’t afford bus fares, you have one child who must be eligible for some help. It doesn’t really add up.

@Specksofwhiteallaround

I feel for him

He is being pressurised by you and you don't even earn money due to anxiety.... now he is anxious and stressed and yet you appear to dismiss that as being negative....?

You need to let him do what makes him feel better.

But he has the same anxiety in his old job, it's not going to go away if he drops back, that's the whole point, so I see why the OP thinks he might as well be in the one bringing in more money!

The op does work...... Albeit unpaid. She's providing full time care for a severely disabled child. Which isn't a role most people would be able to take on. In fact I'm sure the op gets stressed in her role and would love to jack it in at times but unfortunately can't.

I think you should both agree a date for him to review how he feels in a few weeks and go from there. If more support has been offered he should wait until that's in place before making his decision.

Haven’t read all the replies yet but to answer a few, yes our small town has hair dressers etc but none were hiring and especially not now, Three more places this week have in fact closed and my previous work experience is in kitchen work. As hard as I’d find it I was willing to try find work but he wasn’t exactly supportive of the idea because of the issues with leave etc I’ve already mentioned.
No we are not crap with money but we pay a lot in rent and had a few unexpected expenses come up which meant we got behind. We also can’t afford to run a car so rely on very expensive buses for appointments we can’t just not attend. I accepted there were no days out, no treats etc but my Dh is the one who says we’re depriving our son and hates that we never go further than the local high street. He was the most excited about this job and the better quality of life. I guess I’m annoyed that he’d made such a big deal out of it, and has spent quite a lot of the extra money on things he wanted but now wants to go back to having nothing extra with no discussion at all and expects me to be happy about it. He will definitely be the one to complain the loudest about being as he puts it skint. I just wish he’d give it a bit longer, until he’s actually done the job in his usual work environment and not from our bedroom where he’s been holed up since lockdown began.
I wasn’t suggesting his colleagues are suffering he should put up and shut up but his company have admitted they’re all feeling the strain and I worry he’s taking it as it’s down to him not just the same problems they’re all having with deadlines and covid. This is what his immediate manager is telling him.

Show him the texts he used to send you every day; remind him that he felt the same in that job as he does in this.

I too get why you're not working atm, but I also think you do need to take steps towards working in hte future. Can you do some studying or training while your son is at school, to help progress your old career or to start a new one?

The thing is if I thought this would take away the stress I’d support him in a heartbeat but it won’t, every job he’s ever had in the fourteen years I’ve been with him he’s struggled

The OP says it's been every job for the last fourteen years. If he's never attempted to work on his problems then now's the time.

OP: PTSD from childhood abuse is the very thing for therapy.

Both of you need to get some help for your mental health issues.

Hi, i was just wondering why money is such a struggle? Universal credit pay towards rent.... you don’t have any childcare to pay, no car etc. Kitchen and bar jobs can be available in the day too.... or working from home... I would sort your spending out and take care of your husbands mental health tbh. Sorry.

Can't you work and use some wraparound care?

That's what I do.

Then some of the financial burden is on you too.

So are you claiming Carers, DLA, PIP and ESA then?
The amount of your hubbys payrise is pretty much what we live for a family of 4 and we run a car and have a mortgage.
Folks would love to help you live a less stressful life.

How much does your husband earn? Do you get pip and your son dla? Tax credits/uc Could you look at the 10 pound a day thread for wfh ideas

To the person suggesting I only have anxiety when it comes to work, that’s a really low blow. I had periods last year where I didn’t leave the house for weeks and my hair was dropping out, thank god my son gets transport to school as I’ve no idea how I would coped with the school run. I’m doing better thanks to medication and therapy but it’s obviously not enough.

I doubt they're eligible for UC if its a £20 raise.....

Give us some of your expenses or start a new thread with it and maybe start there.

You do realise £20k is more than many people earn?

@Specksofwhiteallaround

My ptsd is down to an abusive childhood, which is why it’s not so simple as get therapy and sort it out. I am trying my best and he knew my issues well when we got together. He was the one to encourage my to leave my previous job when he saw how badly I was coping with it and has said it’s best if I stay home as before our son was school age we had frequently visits with portage and speech therapy etc and he couldn’t take time off for this. He’s also not keen on me having a job where he’d need to take leave to share child care in the holidays as it’s not easy for him to take it if he has deadlines etc, he only really takes two weeks at Christmas as it is.

I'm sorry that this is going to sound harsh but PTSD is not something insurmountable if you are willing to actually put the work into overcoming it, a big part of which is to get therapy. I have C-PTSD and manage to work in a highly pressured job because I've not let it be a barrier. Granted I don't also have a child with additional needs and a husband with an inflexible job however I'm not convinced that you are trying to take some of the pressure from him, pressure which is clearly really affecting him.

I think you need to retrain and gain employment skills for a wider range of employment, and work on your PTSD and anxiety before your husband reaches breaking point.