Am I horrible wife to not want my Dh to go back down A pay grade?

[Specksofwhiteallaround]

Just before lock down my husband was encouraged to apply for a job within his current company that came with a hell of a pay jump - an extra £20 k a year. I can’t go into detail as he works with the MoD but it’s essentially the same as his old job but a larger project hence the pay increase. He dithered a bit as he thought he wouldn’t get it but went for it and after being vouched for by various managers and coworkers above him he got it. He was told at the time if he was too much for him he could go back to his old job with no penalties.
Roll on four or so months and he’s now stressed, convinced he’s holding up the entire project and wants to go back to his old job. My problem with this is he has a horribly negative view of the world and no self confidence at all so he was exactly the same in his old job, only on top of that we were horribly off with money. We could afford our rent and bills but were having to use the credit card frequently for unexpected expenses. Public transport is sketchy and expensive so we never went anywhere unless my parents happened to visit and take us which is pretty embarrassing. Any treats were not an option and if we were given notice from our landlord we would be in an awful position.
He’s also refusing it acknowledge that he hasn’t actually had any time in this job that hasn’t been during lock down and working from home. It’s not an easy job to do at home, at least five of his co workers and managers have gone off work with stress and he was forced to take a week off before he ended up the same. They’ve now taken on additional staff and he admits things would be easier when they’re actually in a normal work environment but doesn’t seem willing to waiting until September when it sounds like they’ll all be back in work and see if there’s an improvement.
For context we have a six year old son who is autistic and attends a special school, I myself do not work as I have severe social anxiety and ptsd on top of that. I’d love to be able to say to him, fine go back to the old job but all I can think is that we can finally get by without getting into debt or worse having handouts from my family and he’s going to throw it all away and go back to a job that he spent just as much time complaining about and he’ll expect me to be sympathetic about it. I can’t even talk about it to my family as I’m mortified about talking to them about finally standing on our own two feet and giving my son everything he misses out on and then having to tell them we’re right back where we started.
I’m just so demoralised by it all that I can’t tell if I’m being completely selfish and if I should be supporting him with his choice.

Sorry I’ve just realised quite what an essay that is

How is money so tight if the job he went for paid 20k more, what was he on to begin with?
Happiness is the most important thing, tighten your belts, live cheaper, move areas etc.

I'd maybe suggest it'd look better on his CV if he sticks it for 6 months, till after everyone has gone back and is in the office in September, give it a month like that and then see how he feels.

It also might help if he talked to his bosses as to how the CV-19 working from home arrangements is causing stress, see if there's anything extra they can do?

@Specksofwhiteallaround

I know my post reads as only being concerned with money but my husbands been in tears before over our lack of money, every time we have to use the credit card just to attend our sons school appointments and various hospital appointments he get upset so I can’t understand why he wants to go back to that. He was the one who was so relieved to finally be solvent and looking forward to the job, I just wish I’d never encouraged him. I guess the only solution is for me to find work but he won’t want to look after our son on his own all evening and weekends and do his day job on top of it. I’m really beginning to see how this is going to be my fault regardless, I’ll either be the heartless wife making him work a job he’s not happy in or the wife who makes him work all day then take care of our son the rest of the time

Why can’t you work while your child is at school, why only evening and weekends?

The worst case scenario here is that your (I would assume, middle aged?) DH becomes so stressed with work that he dies (e.g. heart attack) or becomes severely disabled (stroke), can't work, and requires care. Just to put things in perspective...
This is the very worse case scenario, but bear in mind men are at a higher risk of cardiovascular disease as they age, and stress is a major risk factor.

So... Please cut him some slack. If money is tight, do consider whether you could be earning an income, e.g. by working from home? (much less social anxiety that way)

I don’t know why he won’t look after our son alone, he just never has. He has little experience of children and being autistic our son is very demanding.
I have sought out therapy for my issues as I had a full time job when we got together but we had to move when he lost a previous job and my problems have gotten worse over time since then and I was struggling to leave the house until recently. Obviously not his fault but I can’t just wave a magic wand and fix it.

I think you should be honest with him about feeling that he won't actually be less stressed or happier if he steps down and that it's not what you want. And social anxiety sucks, but it's treatable. Get yourself on a waiting list and improve your life.

Yabu and sounding very selfish. You're expecting him to suffer so you get a better lifestyle but you won't put yourself out to work? Did he know he was signing up to this when you married?

We live in a very small town, the only jobs available are evening and weekend bar and kitchen jobs. Anything further out we couldn’t afford the bus cost and they stop running fairly early anyway. I have suggested this to him previously but he wasn’t keen on the idea. Not sure what else I can really do.

I guess the only solution is for me to find work but he won’t want to look after our son on his own all evening and weekends and do his day job on top of it.

In that case, he needs to make a choice. Either give the job a bit longer and have you continue to do the childcare, or drop down a pay grade and do his share of childcare while you make up for the shortfall in income.

@Owleyes16 😂😂😂 31st September deadline?! Good one.

Totally unreasonable to expect him to stay in a job that is causing him stress and anxiety. Money isn't everything, and if you feel he is earning enough in his old job, you need to pick up the slack. You have issues yourself that you say are preventing you getting a job, perhaps you should look into some treatment that will allow you to seek some kind of employment so that your husband is not shouldering all the responsibility.

The stress of being the sole provider won't be helping the poor man.

I do think it's unfair and hypocritical that you expect your husband to stay in his job when it's affecting his mental health but you won't work at all because of yours. Can you not look at jobs that you're not qualified in and don't require much in the way of qualifications, maybe in a school or shop that don't require you to work nights and weekends?
It is unreasonable of your husband though to not look after his son on his own and I think he needs to sort that out.

You don't sound selfish at all. I would agree to going back to the lower paid job but take the weekend work. He can't have it every day he wants

OP sorry I agree with others.

You need to earn some money.

I work from home full time, I have no social contact with anyone except emails.

It's much easier to push someone else than push yourself.
He might be a lot more relaxed if he didn't feel the full weight of financial responsibility for the household. That's a real burden, when in a job you find stressful as well.
How about seeing how he feels about stepping down but you stepping up? He might not prefer it as an option but you won't know if you don't ask

Is he also autistic btw, or are you? Is that behind either his work difficulties or your social anxiety?

If you really think that this is a case of him panicking and underestimating his abilities, would he consider a compromise whereby he sticks at it for, say, six months? At that time, having given it a fair shot after the additional staff have come on board, he can step back with your full support?

As pp have said, it must be very hard to have sole financial responsibility for your family. You need to consider returning to the workplace. If you and your dh separates, you would have to overcome your anxiety and work.

I really think he needs some leave and to suck it up until end of Sept. Perhaps check with his manager to get some feedback about his performance.

The thing is if I thought this would take away the stress I’d support him in a heartbeat but it won’t, every job he’s ever had in the fourteen years I’ve been with him he’s struggled with no self confidence. He messages me daily about how badly he thinks he’s doing and that he’s not progressing but his managers have nothing but praise for him and actively encouraged him to take this job. I just know that if he takes a step back he’ll be the same lever of miserable about the job but twice as much hating the lack of money as he’s been loving the treats he’s indulged in and being able to save some money. I suggested he talked to his manger about his issues and they weren’t suggesting he step down either and seem happy with his work.

Are you claiming all the benefits that you are entitled to or are you just crap with money if you are having to use credit cards?

YANBU. It’s quite sad that you don’t sound like you entertain getting a job yourself due to MH issues and yet want him to continue working a role at the expense of his?

Deal with your MH issues and find a balance. I suffered extreme social anxiety and depression however I needed to pay the bills

A horrible wife? no. But you would be unreasonable to expect him to stay in a job that makes him so stressed and unhappy.

You have your own MH issues, so you understand better than most the toll stress can take. You love your husband, you won't want him made unwell by his job. What if he stays in this job and ends up too unwell to work at all, like you are now? What would that do to the family finances?

You seem very

@Specksofwhiteallaround

We live in a very small town, the only jobs available are evening and weekend bar and kitchen jobs. Anything further out we couldn’t afford the bus cost and they stop running fairly early anyway. I have suggested this to him previously but he wasn’t keen on the idea. Not sure what else I can really do.

I live in a very very small town. It has pubs and restaurants, but also shops, hairdressers, doctors surgery, estate agent, a school, cleaning jobs....

I think you both need to make a commitment to tackle your mental health issues. If you are working on your anxiety with a view to being able to work then it's reasonable to ask him if he could do some work on his confidence and self esteem with a view to staying in the better paying job. It's not reasonable for him to be the only one though.

If he's really struggling then the other option is to wait until he burns out and cannot work, or wait for him to get fired. For a £20k payrise that must be a steep step up, and his wage must have been at least okay beforehand. Is there any way to cut back anywhere? If he has always been the same in jobs then it's unlikely he will change, but you knew that surely when you started dating. Whereas it sounds as though he has been supportive to you even though your work has changed substantially from working full time to not at all. It's tricky, but I would definitely support him stepping down.