Am I horrible wife to not want my Dh to go back down A pay grade?

[Specksofwhiteallaround]

Just before lock down my husband was encouraged to apply for a job within his current company that came with a hell of a pay jump - an extra £20 k a year. I can’t go into detail as he works with the MoD but it’s essentially the same as his old job but a larger project hence the pay increase. He dithered a bit as he thought he wouldn’t get it but went for it and after being vouched for by various managers and coworkers above him he got it. He was told at the time if he was too much for him he could go back to his old job with no penalties.
Roll on four or so months and he’s now stressed, convinced he’s holding up the entire project and wants to go back to his old job. My problem with this is he has a horribly negative view of the world and no self confidence at all so he was exactly the same in his old job, only on top of that we were horribly off with money. We could afford our rent and bills but were having to use the credit card frequently for unexpected expenses. Public transport is sketchy and expensive so we never went anywhere unless my parents happened to visit and take us which is pretty embarrassing. Any treats were not an option and if we were given notice from our landlord we would be in an awful position.
He’s also refusing it acknowledge that he hasn’t actually had any time in this job that hasn’t been during lock down and working from home. It’s not an easy job to do at home, at least five of his co workers and managers have gone off work with stress and he was forced to take a week off before he ended up the same. They’ve now taken on additional staff and he admits things would be easier when they’re actually in a normal work environment but doesn’t seem willing to waiting until September when it sounds like they’ll all be back in work and see if there’s an improvement.
For context we have a six year old son who is autistic and attends a special school, I myself do not work as I have severe social anxiety and ptsd on top of that. I’d love to be able to say to him, fine go back to the old job but all I can think is that we can finally get by without getting into debt or worse having handouts from my family and he’s going to throw it all away and go back to a job that he spent just as much time complaining about and he’ll expect me to be sympathetic about it. I can’t even talk about it to my family as I’m mortified about talking to them about finally standing on our own two feet and giving my son everything he misses out on and then having to tell them we’re right back where we started.
I’m just so demoralised by it all that I can’t tell if I’m being completely selfish and if I should be supporting him with his choice.

Sorry I’ve just realised quite what an essay that is

Sorry! I posted to soon. I was going to say, you seem very concerned by what your family will think. Don't be- what matters is you and your husband being as well and as happy as you can be. If asking them for money causes such mortification, stop doing it. Look at other options. Is there any work you can do? More and more remote working opportunities seem to be available- would they suit? Are there any savings you can make? Do you have problem debt that a service like Stepchange could help with? Are you sure you are claiming your full benefit entitlement?

You don't come across as awful, but you do sound as if you're being quite selfish and blinkered about this.

I know I don’t have a right to tell him what to do as I’m unable to work.
So don't.

He is stressed, negative and lacks confidence. You have MH issues and don't work but he has them and all you can do is think of the money and not his well-being. What an unsupportive attitude.

There is something wrong with the culture of the company if 5 other members of staff have gone off sick with stress. He needs to find a job elsewhere if he can in these times of increasing unemployment.

I’m just so demoralised by it all that I can’t tell if I’m being completely selfish and if I should be supporting him with his choice.
You are demoralised?
Don't you think that is how he feels? He has gone for a role on lots more money and realised he can't cope. It may have taken a lot to admit that. He may feel like a total failure.
You have issues and can't cope so don't work at all. Is that fair?

You are being totally selfish. I understand why as you have been able to manage better financially but you really shouldn't be deciding what job he can have. You need to let him make whatever he thinks is the right decision for him, and support it whole-heartedly.

You also need to:

1. Find work that you can do while your son is at his special school. It needs to pay enough so that you do not have to worry if your LL asks you to leave and so that you don't increase debt you can't afford.
2. Stop spongeing off your parents.

What jobs can you do? If the only job you can do is at evenings and weekends then can't you do that until something else is available? Your husband might not want to look after your child alone but that is tough. He needs to work and parent his child as you do too.

That’s a huge income jump for a CS role which suggests a HUGE increase in stress, responsibility and pressure. If he was struggling before I think he was made to take it in the first place, tbh.

You’ve survived on his previous wage before. You can do it again especially if, like many others have said, you are able to start bringing in some money as well.

It's awful when it's that bad you're having panic attacks, I've been there I do understand. Have a look for cleaning work - preferably as a key holder. You could do it on a evening even kids are in bed? And it's usually alone so no worries there. I found it an ideal solution. Or there's call centre work from home jobs. Have a look at the £10 a day thread on here there's some good ideas for extra cash.

As for AUBU - honestly not sure. You can't expect him to work through MH when you won't. However, let's not pretend that money is a massive factor in the world. So I guess yes are BU if you don't look for ways to contribute financially. But I get your points both ways.

My ptsd is down to an abusive childhood, which is why it’s not so simple as get therapy and sort it out. I am trying my best and he knew my issues well when we got together. He was the one to encourage my to leave my previous job when he saw how badly I was coping with it and has said it’s best if I stay home as before our son was school age we had frequently visits with portage and speech therapy etc and he couldn’t take time off for this. He’s also not keen on me having a job where he’d need to take leave to share child care in the holidays as it’s not easy for him to take it if he has deadlines etc, he only really takes two weeks at Christmas as it is.

It sounds as if you both have a demanding life but it is a partnership. You cannot work outside the home and he does not want to be alone with your son.

People who have not been short of money - eg. relying on credit for extra bus fares for medical appointments - should not be so critical of those who are that short. It is an important consideration .

You might ask him to consider that going back to his old job would probably entail him looking after your son on his own. (Which is he more more confident at - the new job or a new version of parenting?)

+Can you get him support for his lack of self-confidence and the anxiety that he is suffering? This might make you both happier -whatever happens with his job.

I don’t think you’re a horrible person per se, but as someone who suffers from a mental health disorder yourself, you’re not being very understanding of him are you?

His job is obviously stressful if several of his colleagues have been signed off with stress. Your OP does come across a bit flippant, like he should “man up” and just carry on because he’s “always stressed at work.”

20k is around minimum wage, so if you had any job you’d be helping to bridge the deficit from his pay rise. You have decided that you working is absolutely not an option, and so he must continue in such a high stress project. You’re disregarding his health for the sake of your own which isn’t a healthy relationship dynamic.

I’m really beginning to see how this is going to be my fault regardless, I’ll either be the heartless wife making him work a job he’s not happy in or the wife who makes him work all day then take care of our son the rest of the time

This sounds quite manipulative to be honest. It seems like you are trying to justify your stance, just to keep things comfortable for you. At the expense of your husband's mental health. That is really unfair. I don't say this to kick you but because his mental health matters too.

You say your kid is at school. Whenever he goes back to school, you could use that time to ease yourself back towards some kind of earning. Obviously a conventional full-time job won't work for you, and part-time school hours are in demand, so maybe doing some self-employed work is the way forward for you?

Perhaps start with thinking about what skills you have, or where your interests lie, or what you feel you could build on? Have you ever worked before?

I don't fetishize work at all, and if your husband was fine about being the sole earner and coping well it wouldn't be an issue if you weren't working. But the reality is that you both are suffering with MH issues now, so it is fairer and kinder to try to work out a solution that you both can manage.

20k is around minimum wage, so if you had any job you’d be helping to bridge the deficit from his pay rise

I don't think min wage is near 20k is it? But the OP will have her own tax free allowance for what, about 10k or so - so even quite modest annual earnings will make a difference.

I know you have social anxiety but how do you feel about working from home where you won’t have to socialise with colleagues in person? You could theoretically take advantage of the current working from home situation.

That’s a huge income jump for a CS role

It really is, I can’t get my head round how it could have happened if he was low paid enough to be that hard up before tbh. And there must be benefits involved with having a child who needs to attend a specialist school I would have thought?

I work for MOD a 20k pay jump is a hell of a lot! It’s bloody stressful taking on that level of work and having worked in the MOD for 10+ years I know how stressful it can be working in a team that’s had all its support staff taken away

Sorry YABU ... if he’s mod can’t you look at getting a part time admin job there too? They’re massive On flexible working. I have an Autistic child and work Bend over backwards time accommodate my working pattern and home / work balance.

Op, maybe think it through how is you forcing him to work in an environment which is damaging his mental health to him suddenly deciding you need to get a job and do the same?

It does appear that you think you are ok not to work due to your mental health but this is not a reason for him

Seems slightly unfair. As does the childcare situation.

He needs to take a step back. You need to work. He needs to care for your child when you’re working.

So your sons mental health is important, as is your MH, but not your husbands?

YABU
If you have MH issues yourself, you should be more aware of other people

@Owleyes16 you can think what you like. I'm speaking from some experience.

I think you need to look at getting a job yourself to take the pressure off your husband. I think you are a little out of order here to be honest. You need to look for a school hours job. Local councils, police etc are usually very good at being flexible.

If he's been stressed in every job he's had, have they all been the same kind of job?
Maybe what's needed here is for him to try and work out exactly what it is about the job thats making him so stressed, and consider retraining with his currently increased salary into something he'll actually not hate.

Not every job is 9-5, in an office, on a computer or on a phone.

There's a lot of talk on Mumsnet about the 'mental load' on SAHMs and housewives, but I rarely seen any acknowledgement of the mental load of being the sole earner for a family. I'm a woman and understand both loads, and I can tell you that being the breadwinner is far worse. If I'm out of a job then my family is homeless; can you think how much stress that is on me, every day?

Your husband's mental health is as important as yours, and you need to be far more understanding. Support him and encourage him in his current role if you really think he's capable but lacks confidence but ultimately, if this is causing him undue stress, he needs to go back to his old job. And you need to support him.

We live in a very small town, the only jobs available are evening and weekend bar and kitchen jobs.

It's time to stop looking for excuses, and think bigger, OP.
Have you searched at all for work-from-home jobs? For some of these, you don't even need to live in the same country as your employer. And most can be done at flexible hours.
Doesn't need to be regular or full time, just something to top up your family income.

Considering your own issues, it is surprising how you seem to undermine his own anxieties. You don't show much sympathy yet seem to consider that you can't do anything with yours.

I think it would be reasonable to suggest he gives it until end of September to see how it goes when things are back to normal but otherwise you really should be supportive.

How would you feel if he puts as much pressure on you to get a job?

Yabvvvu.

What is the initial salary that it can go up £20? Maybe instead post income/expenditure and see ways to adjust spending so not using credit cards etc. It may be you want a 2 income lifestyle on 1 income and need to adjust expectations (been there ...)

Hi

I have social anxiety and generalised anxiety and understand how hard it must be but I have always worked full time. I do think that you have to start working as a team with him and accept that your mental health and wellbeing does not trump his. You have not got the right to underplay his work related stress and at the same time expect him to take care of you financially due to your own MH issues. As I said, I have nothing but compassion for you as I know how hard anxiety can be. Please consider more therapy. I had CBT for social anxiety and that was very helpful.

Don't force your husband to do something that would make him unwell. Just as it wouldn't be right for others to judge and force you into situations that would trigger your ptsd and SA.

YABVU. You need to let him do what makes him feel better.

You can work because you can recover from your social anxiety and find a job. You need to get help for that.

You can’t just sit at home, demanding he stays unhappy and earns as much money as possible, while not doing anything to help yourself or your family.