Am I horrible wife to not want my Dh to go back down A pay grade?

[Specksofwhiteallaround]

Just before lock down my husband was encouraged to apply for a job within his current company that came with a hell of a pay jump - an extra £20 k a year. I can’t go into detail as he works with the MoD but it’s essentially the same as his old job but a larger project hence the pay increase. He dithered a bit as he thought he wouldn’t get it but went for it and after being vouched for by various managers and coworkers above him he got it. He was told at the time if he was too much for him he could go back to his old job with no penalties.
Roll on four or so months and he’s now stressed, convinced he’s holding up the entire project and wants to go back to his old job. My problem with this is he has a horribly negative view of the world and no self confidence at all so he was exactly the same in his old job, only on top of that we were horribly off with money. We could afford our rent and bills but were having to use the credit card frequently for unexpected expenses. Public transport is sketchy and expensive so we never went anywhere unless my parents happened to visit and take us which is pretty embarrassing. Any treats were not an option and if we were given notice from our landlord we would be in an awful position.
He’s also refusing it acknowledge that he hasn’t actually had any time in this job that hasn’t been during lock down and working from home. It’s not an easy job to do at home, at least five of his co workers and managers have gone off work with stress and he was forced to take a week off before he ended up the same. They’ve now taken on additional staff and he admits things would be easier when they’re actually in a normal work environment but doesn’t seem willing to waiting until September when it sounds like they’ll all be back in work and see if there’s an improvement.
For context we have a six year old son who is autistic and attends a special school, I myself do not work as I have severe social anxiety and ptsd on top of that. I’d love to be able to say to him, fine go back to the old job but all I can think is that we can finally get by without getting into debt or worse having handouts from my family and he’s going to throw it all away and go back to a job that he spent just as much time complaining about and he’ll expect me to be sympathetic about it. I can’t even talk about it to my family as I’m mortified about talking to them about finally standing on our own two feet and giving my son everything he misses out on and then having to tell them we’re right back where we started.
I’m just so demoralised by it all that I can’t tell if I’m being completely selfish and if I should be supporting him with his choice.

Sorry I’ve just realised quite what an essay that is

YABU. you need to get a job

Is there not any jobs you could do without facing people and triggering your anxiety, or have you tried help such as a therapist. Is the extra money really worth your DH being unhappy?

Are you not willing to say what he earned in his previous job? Might help with whether you are BU or not.

Maybe he could make an appointment at work with he/ his boss to see if there are any ways they could help/ eg provide mentor/ therapy/ flexi/reduced time. If not possible go back to the original job. Divide yr monthly salary by 3 and make that your maximum rent. If that means moving. The move. And you need to go back to your gp. As your son gets older you will need to go out and about with him. Get your mh sorted. Are you using any strategies/ medication at all to deal with yr panics?

MH issues aside, (my sympathies as I'm sure it is hard) you need to step up, there are lots of ways to earn money from home, check out the Earn £10 day thread under money. Look at midday supervisor roles too and freelancer.

If your partner has always catastrophised and will go on doing so after stepping down, I understand why you think he's making this decision hastily, especially during a pandemic. And if he won't care for your son, he should be prepared to take whatever responsibility comes with being the sole breadwinner. He can't complain endlessly both ways. You have clearly been through hell.

I think it sounds like your DH has issues too and it's impossible to know if these are serious enough to cause serious problems if he continues in his present job. If he has to go off work through stress, that won't help anyone. It sounds like he would really benefit from a cognitive behavioral therapy course as these problems are endemic.

Jesus, people are harsh.

OP I would step back and look at the bigger picture rather than just whether he stays in this job or not.

The bigger picture is that, without this job, you are not bringing in enough money collectively. So if he does want to step back, sit down and try to work out how you can improve this situation.

Can you move to an area with cheaper rent and more job prospects for you?

Will he watch your son so you can work? I find it strange you 'don't know' why he never has. This is not acceptable.

Can you retrain or start some kind of self-employed work?

I don't think you can tell him what to do, but as a family you can try to figure out how to improve the overall situation.

I think people are being overly harsh and perhaps forgetting the stress caused by lack of money won’t be any easier to bear; in fact arguably worse to bear than a job which you can grow and develop in. Perhaps your DH needs some encouragement and confidence building; together you could look into some self esteem and work stress management programmes - lots of free resources online. And go from there; 4 months isn’t very long. It may also me a good time for you address your social anxiety with a view to moving back into work; again lots of free resource is available and with the added motivation of being able to remove from pressure from DH if things don’t work our work wise then this may be a good time for that too.

I’m really not trying to manage his career, I’ve been nothing but supportive and I’m being supportive now. I haven’t said a word about how I feel and I’m not going to, it’s just hard to sustain when every suggestions met with resistance. Before he took this job I’d had the therapy and for the first time in ages was feeling a bit optimistic about the idea of working even part time again and his first response was To point out he can’t take leave whenever he wants and every job I mentioned applying for he pulled his face about the hours or whether I’d cope. He thinks he’s holding up the entire project so I suggested talking to his manager about his work concerns and he admitted he has and his manager said he absolutely does not want him to leave the job and will be very upset if he did but he’s still mentioning stepping back every day. He’s been so much happier without money concerns so I worry he’s making a big mistake giving up the job so soon. He didn’t even get two weeks in the role before lock down so not sure how he can be so sure it’s not right for him. I’ll fully admit this makes me selfish but I’m going to struggle to be sympathetic when he does this and then spends his days complaining about his job and being without money too. I guess when he does I’ll have to try figure out work and he’ll have to complain aboout losing his free time to childcare too. I dunno what else I can do.

And to all those saying just earn online... Such jobs are gold dust. There are many applicants to every job, especially now. The OP doesn't sound well placed to get a job, online or otherwise, in the current climate.

Tbh the more you post, the more I think YANBU. He can't have it all ways. He can't have the easier job, you not working at all and no money worries. He's either got to stay in this job, or step up and look after his kid so you can work.
Something has to give somewhere.

I also think you need couples therapy because he is using you to offload stress onto but not allowing you to make any decision that would change the situation. When you suffer from anxiety, this is quite toxic.

Its not really stress from low income though is it? What sort of income gets you a 20k raise?

I don’t think any of this makes you selfish OP. Sounds like both of you have got some issues you need to work through and you are going in ever decreasing circles by not sitting down and actually coming up with a plan. A workable plan. If your husband has always been miserable at work then why on Earth was going to a move stressful role ever going to be the answer. Move to a cheaper area... that seems agiven.

YABU

Your financial situation sounds like you need to work-you are only presumably able to not work now because your husband does-he sounds like he’s really struggling. It is unfair to not work because of your poor mental health but to not let him do the same.

Talk to him and say you will go to work so the financial burden isn’t solely on his shoulders, but he’ll need to look after DC. Why are the only jobs you can do, weekends and evenings?

my sympathy lies with your poor stressed over stretched husband..... you crave sympathy for your own social anxieties but ignore your DH's and write them off as him just being negative lacking confidence as usual .... how very unreasonable you are OP.. sorry but I agree.. do as you yourself suggest your DH do... work through your anxieties and get a job ... take the pressure off Him ffs 🌺

was feeling a bit optimistic about the idea of working even part time again and his first response was To point out he can’t take leave whenever he wants and every job I mentioned applying for he pulled his face about the hours or whether I’d cope.

I'm afraid you have a DH problem.

He needs to learn to look after his child sometimes, and you need to start building up your confidence in a work environment again.

Occasionally, you having a job will impact on his work arrangements, but that's life when you have kids.

I left a previous job role because of stress and I’m so much happier now. One day I thought about driving into a tree on the way to work so I wouldn’t have to go and several times imagined hurting myself to get out of work. If the jobs is not working for him then, despite having the additional money, life will be awful.

Is there anything you can do at home to make things easier for him to cope with his work stress. Such as take over some of the m household jobs he does temporarily to take that stress away or give him a quiet period of time after work etc.

I think you can both talk about how to make the job work but ultimately if he is really unhappy then leaving might be the best thing.

Is he a member of a union? Maybe he should also take a period of time off with stress (I believe MOD have full sick pay for a period of time) so he can recuperate and return when well before deciding if he should leave.

Well the pattern seems pretty clear so far Speck in that PPs are saying that YABU. I'll offer a somewhat different perspective. My DH was in a similar situation. It was probably a month of continuous stress in the new role when he wanted to step down and revert to his old position.

To make a long story shorter, my view at the time was to 'stick it out' for at least six months before making any decision. It wasn't about money for me, (we made enough between the two of us), but because he would feel bad as well as worry about how he was viewed in the firm if he stepped down.

He very nearly quit, was right on the cusp of telling his boss, and then didn't. He stayed. Although he probably never stopped feeling stressed, it did decrease over time (he stills get stressed doing his current job, that's just the way he is). He later left the firm, but even now, years later, he is so grateful that he stuck it out because of how that increased salary made a substantial difference to his pension etc.

So... putting your issues about money to one side, is the stress he's feeling now something that would eventually lessen? Might he end up feeling bad or guilty for going back to his old position? Can you discuss how he might wait until the end of September to see how he is feeling and if there is still no change, make the decision then?

Sounds really difficult for all of you. Money worries and constant ansxity are both very corrosive so for you both.

Thank you to everyone replying, even if I don’t like what your saying. I’m so used to him catastrophising and being negative it’s hard to know when I’m being harsh with him. I’m generally supportive of whatever he feels he has do to but this just seems so hasty with the covid situation.
I really wish he’d get help himself over his lack of confidence but he just doesn’t see it and I’m obviously not in a position to push it with him.

I feel for you OP because I know all too well how debilitating anxiety can be. I do also know from personal experience that you have to push the boundaries of your comfort zone to get better. You have to teach your over-functioning alert system that life is safe. So quite separate from the main point of the thread, do keep working towards being able to do more. Good luck.

WRT your husband, you can’t force him to stay in the job you can just encourage him to give it a decent go and say you’ll support him if he can’t do it after 6 - 12 months. But I would definitely be saying to him that if he does decide to step back you’ll be supportive but you don’t want to hear complaints about your money situation as it’ll be a choice then. It IS a valid choice to have less money for the sake of a better quality of life in other ways but he needs to get on board with the idea that that’s a choice he’s now making rather than a circumstance he’s ended up in as it was before.

Whats the salary and where do you live? Can you move into cheaper accomodation or a different area that's still commutable if rent is the main expense?

I think PPs have been a little harsh. The point is that you don't see his MH being significantly improved by going back to his old job, in which case, there seems little point in being both stressed, unhappy AND less well-off, resulting in yet more stress, etc.

As some has said, the two of you clearly need help and you need to take positive action to get support for each of you individually, if at all possible.

Having a child with special needs is also a drain on your energies and it sounds likeyour DH relies quite heavily on you for support, so I'm not sure where people are getting the idea that you are not pulling your weight.

I'm not sure what the answer is to be honest, but ...flowers

What about working on yourself and your ability to work?

You don't seem to be keen on responding to people making positive suggestions, even if they've been there themselves.

Are you able to comment on what his salary was prior to the promotion?