Am I horrible wife to not want my Dh to go back down A pay grade?

[Specksofwhiteallaround]

Just before lock down my husband was encouraged to apply for a job within his current company that came with a hell of a pay jump - an extra £20 k a year. I can’t go into detail as he works with the MoD but it’s essentially the same as his old job but a larger project hence the pay increase. He dithered a bit as he thought he wouldn’t get it but went for it and after being vouched for by various managers and coworkers above him he got it. He was told at the time if he was too much for him he could go back to his old job with no penalties.
Roll on four or so months and he’s now stressed, convinced he’s holding up the entire project and wants to go back to his old job. My problem with this is he has a horribly negative view of the world and no self confidence at all so he was exactly the same in his old job, only on top of that we were horribly off with money. We could afford our rent and bills but were having to use the credit card frequently for unexpected expenses. Public transport is sketchy and expensive so we never went anywhere unless my parents happened to visit and take us which is pretty embarrassing. Any treats were not an option and if we were given notice from our landlord we would be in an awful position.
He’s also refusing it acknowledge that he hasn’t actually had any time in this job that hasn’t been during lock down and working from home. It’s not an easy job to do at home, at least five of his co workers and managers have gone off work with stress and he was forced to take a week off before he ended up the same. They’ve now taken on additional staff and he admits things would be easier when they’re actually in a normal work environment but doesn’t seem willing to waiting until September when it sounds like they’ll all be back in work and see if there’s an improvement.
For context we have a six year old son who is autistic and attends a special school, I myself do not work as I have severe social anxiety and ptsd on top of that. I’d love to be able to say to him, fine go back to the old job but all I can think is that we can finally get by without getting into debt or worse having handouts from my family and he’s going to throw it all away and go back to a job that he spent just as much time complaining about and he’ll expect me to be sympathetic about it. I can’t even talk about it to my family as I’m mortified about talking to them about finally standing on our own two feet and giving my son everything he misses out on and then having to tell them we’re right back where we started.
I’m just so demoralised by it all that I can’t tell if I’m being completely selfish and if I should be supporting him with his choice.

Sorry I’ve just realised quite what an essay that is

You've been saying that you want him to stick with it until they go back into the office, talk to his manager etc. Were these your private thoughts then? I read them as being what you have said to him.

It was a suggestion not an order. I said maybe he should think about waiting until he’s back in the office and talk more to his managers about his issues. I didn’t say do it or else, I didn’t say that it personally think that’s what he should do. He’s free to ignore me entirely. Didn’t realise making a suggestion to your partner made you the devil incarnate too

Is there an element of attention seeking in his endless protests about not cutting it in his job ? Of course you only hear one side of the story on here but from your posts he sounds extraordinarily needy, selfish and self obsessed. Why is he frittering the extra family income on himself instead of things like your driving lessons? Particularly if he has it in mind to step back and take a pay cut ?

I wouldn’t say it’s attention seeking as much as sounding off at things he’s finding frustrating at the nearest target which is obviously me. Things like driving lessons etc are a bit of a moot point right now with DS being off school and Dh working from home. Personally I’d have saved the money for Christmas as he always hates not having much money then and who knows if he’ll have left by then or not but it’s his money and up to him what he spends it on.

Hello.

I really wish he’d get help himself over his lack of confidence but he just doesn’t see it and I’m obviously not in a position to push it with him.

Do you ever wonder if he wishes you would get over your anxieties and fear?

Ultimately I think DH should do whatever job he’s comfortable with, and I think you should look into how you can find more help (other than short term cbt). I feel like you’re living from a position of fear. It sounds like you’re just existing, it’s exhausting and it’s not mentally healthy.

I know you’ve tried therapy before but there are different types, and different people. Maybe she wasn’t the right one for you. It can be hard to find a good one, but this isn’t going to get better on its own.

He may have work to do on his mental health but so do you. He sounds relatively happy. You on the other hand don’t.

I was anxious all the time but I could manage it.

but on my day off I was too terrified to approach a shop assistant

I sometimes wonder if the stress of this has exacerbated my original problems.

I was having daily panic attacks until recently and therapy is not helping very much.

I’m doing better thanks to medication and therapy but it’s obviously not enough.

Well why can’t you have a lesson at 6pm when he’d finished work ? It sounds to me like he rules the roost in every aspect of your life. How would it be if you were to decide you could no longer cope with your child’s needs ?

Only on mumsnet could a comment about wishing your partner could be more confident in himself be twisted around to sound like I’ve levelled a criticism on him while wallowing in my own issues. I’m sure he’d love a more confident, stress free wife but he knew what I was like when we met and eventually married, no ones forcing him to stay with me. We lived apart for a year when he first started work with this company, he could easily have gone his own way then if I was that impacting his life that negatively.
I’m sure there’s some excellent therapy out there, my gp is disinclined to refer me for anything more than the service I’ve already tried, the others cost money which we might not have spare for much longer not to mention time which I don’t have until September rolls around. And if I take the advice of the vast majority I should be working come September not looking at costly therapy
I think the best thing this threads shown me is that you really can’t please everyone, no matter what you say or do someone is going to be there to tell you you’re in the wrong.

Anyway I posted about whether I was unreasonable to want him to stick it out a bit longer and not want to hear him moaning about no money if he does quit and I certainly got my answer about that and every other aspect of our marriage and my mental health issues. I’ve got plenty of food for thought so will be bowing out now instead of rehashing the same arguments endlessly.

@Specksofwhiteallaround My husband worked as a project manager in similar situation to yours until July.
He found his job so difficult to do at home he took voluntary redundancy. I was also at home on mat leave and I can confirm first hand the impact that it had on his mental health. DH will be making some life changes, and has registered for a part time degree and taken a role about a third of his previous salary to support his studying. (his salary being the breadwinner salary of the house) We were very comfortable in our old life and this will be a hell of a shock finance wise, but as I was on mat leave we had some savings and his redundancy paid out well. I have a job to return to already and childcare planned for my DD. We own our home and have a lot of equity in it so mortgage payments are affordable and we have no other debt (but a car each). Lots of changes to our (my) plans will involve full time work and an early return and a significant scaling back of days out, treats and general spending. But ultimately it will be worth it (in six or so years) and we will manage financially as we are lucky to have savings and equity to fall back on. The reason I'm listing all of that is because DH would never have contemplated this in your situation because it would have crippled us financially. We have a safety net for his choice and an expected end date but you don't and your DH needs to understand that.
You and your DH are a team; it must be hard to be the bread winner but it must also be hard to manage the home and an autistic child and cater to his needs. You are not being unreasonable in my view - I don't think I would have agreed to DHs plans if it would have put us in your position.
I don't know why you're getting such a hard time here - I could understand if you were talking about a drop in the standard of living but you're not, you're talking about putting yourselves into significant debt when you've just had a taste of the security of having extra money.
Yes - you do need to address your challenges and find work, but your DH needs to decide if he is willing to sacrifice all family time for that (as you will be at work evenings and weekends) and also sacrifice all his down time. You have to lay out the options and discuss it together - what does he want? Does he want you to work and what will he do to facilitate it? Does he want to move to a cheaper area and earn less so he can afford to live? You both need to decide together.
Don't be too hard on him or yourself. You're in a shit situation and I'm not sure I would feel any different about DH proposing what your DH is.

Also I really don't think downgrading salary and returning to your previous financial situation should be an option during that discussion! There is a difference between money not being everything (which applies in my case) and needing money to survive without living in debt (which applies in your case if I read correctly)

Just want to agree with @TheWordWomanIsTaken that money worries can cause massive stress- so if your DH does leave his new job, he’ll then be back to the financial stress of earlier times.

From what you’re saying, it sounds as if he CAN do well ( and already is) in his new job. He needs to give it more time and he’ll feel more comfortable.

Full disclosure: I also have a tendency to worry and stress out when I’m faced with new responsibilities. But, I often find I can manage after a few months. I’ve always given new jobs at least a year before deciding whether to stay or apply for something else.

Just realised how to tag people
@zaffa Dh taking a step back will mean us going back to a very strict budget to avoid relying on credit cards again. There would be no spare money for treats, extra food or drink, days out etc and it makes him miserable as much as me.
He doesn’t have the kind of job where he leaves work on time even before this role, it’s not unheard of for him to be two or three hours late. He’s often away for weeks at a time as well. If I took an evening job I wouldn’t be able to rely on him to look after DS when needed even if he wanted to. I’ve no idea what childcare options for our son are available and I suspect any earnings of mine would be swallowed up by it. It’s a financial nightmare as I’m not a high earner when I am working. My sons never spent time away from us aside from nursery and school so it would be a huge ordeal for him as well.
@AmICrazyorWhat2 Dh is doing very well, especially considering it’s been during lock down while everyone is struggling to work at home. He says himself that if he steps back he’ll have the old job stress as well as financial worries too. He’s not considering doing this because he thinks his life will be stress free, it’s because he thinks he’s letting the team down at work despite all evidence to the contrary.

@Specksofwhiteallaround I just don't think your position is unreasonable. We will budget carefully but worked one out to cover those things because we know we will struggle without treats. I just don't think stepping back is feasible and it doesn't sound as though you working evenings is either. You need a part time school hours job and they do exist but you first need to overcome your challenges.
His mental health is equally important but I can't see it improving living in your described circumstances.

I don’t have any and never go out.

Also this needs addressing. There are ways to make friends online, perhaps with other parents of autistic children (not that your entire life has to revolve around that aspect, but..).

You’ve been through a lot. You need some social support. A small social network. Regular interaction of some sort.

Also Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway is a good book.

He sounds hard work OP. The thing about the chip shop rang alarm bells for me. Whys is he so desperate for you not to work? He needs to step up with looking after his own child.

Seriously? I’m afraid you are being terribly unreasonable- if 5 of his colleagues have gone off I’ll with stress it’s not like he’s making it all up is it? Sorry but you need to let him do what he needs to for his mental health. Meanwhile, if you need more money you need to look at getting a job. I have worked in a high stress job whilst suffering from ptsd and depression. Yes it is very hard, but can be done. I think in many ways working helped with my recovery and I was certainly encouraged by doctors to keep at my job as far as possible. With your personal allowance you would not even need to earn £20k to make up e shortfall. You could work a minimum wage job or say nights in a care home Or supermarket so childcare is covered as your child is at school you coulD sleep in the day.

I’m afraid you need to stop putting everything re money on your husband, this really won’t be helping him.

@Specksofwhiteallaround
I would be thinking the same thing as you, I’d want DH to be more confident about doing the role his managers are happy with him doing.
Fine if he wants to step down for mental health/stress reasons but then he can’t moan about the lower paid position, can’t decide he doesn’t want to look after his own child, can’t say you can’t work.
You sound like you’ve moved around to facilitate him working so I get why it’s annoying that you are stuck with no support looking after your child with extra needs.

Sounds like DH needs to be more open with his manager and see what the expectations are of him so he’s not making stuff up in his head.

OP your situation is very similar to mine so I get it. My DS was a similar profile to yours when he was six (ASD, incontinent, special school). I also don’t work due to PTSD and OCD. We were paying a similar amount in rent, were constantly living on our credit cards and my husband was the main earner. It’s not as simple as just get a job, work school hours as I also couldn’t drive.

There is no wrap around care at most special schools and many holiday clubs are reluctant to take children with such high needs and if you can get it then it’s very expensive. Then you are further restricted by the council transport issue. My son only attended school part time due to coronavirus and I’m exhausted.

For all those saying just get therapy - it is really not that easy. OP is clearly not in a position to pay for it. The waiting list and criteria within the nhs are very difficult. I’ve been waiting two years for my latest round of therapy and my nhs trust only offers a maximum of 12 sessions and my problems are so complex that I only make tiny amounts of progress. This means I have to take antipsychotics to avoid hospitalisation and the side effects stop any chance of working.

Mu husband moved us across the country repeatedly to move up the career ladder but since DS started school, we’ve stayed in one place as it would be too unsettling for him and securing a school place is tricky too especially on a special school. This has meant that DH in order to get a pay rise would need to move out of his niche area and have a lengthy commute. He doesn’t want this stress and enjoys being home fir the kids and can be flexible and so attend school plays and all EHCP meetings. I support him in this because this is where our situations differ:

I claim PIP and another out of work benefit. I claim on behalf of DS DLA which even on an income similar to yours means we qualify for a small amount of tax credits. This is a boost to our income and it feels like I have a say in how our money is spent as sometimes I feel huge guilt about financial responsibility being placed on DH (although when I worked I was the breadwinner). I used my PIP to learn how to drive which has been life changing for my independence. Before that, as a disabled person with a disabled child I was able to access the Ring and Ride service so could get to some places.

If you don’t think you can work then you need to change what you can. Call up and apply for DLA for your son tomorrow as it will be backdated from when you requested the form. Start getting evidence together - paediatrics, SLT, school, ed psych. Do the same for yourself - phone up and make a claim for PIP - the more evidence the better. When DS gets DLA, apply for Carer’s Allowance and tax credits. These are things you can change as you can’t alter your DH’s mindset. Plus once you have an income if your own, you can decide whether you are willing to stay with someone who is reluctant to parent his own child (I have three and my DH is always happy for me to take on the heavier load).

Lots of people have been harsh on this thread because they think that it’s double standards but there’s no way my husband would compare his stress at work to my debilitating and life threatening condition. There’s a difference between being stressed at work and serious mental health issues.

Lots of people have been harsh on this thread because they think that it’s double standards but there’s no way my husband would compare his stress at work to my debilitating and life threatening condition. There’s a difference between being stressed at work and serious mental health issues.

why is his mental health and wellbeing deemed as less worthy than OP's ? what exactly is the difference ? why is hers life threatening and his is not ? please clarify ?

OP I think you might actually need to consider LTB. For all the ‘YABU’ responses suggesting you’re some kind of harridan, I actually think you’re married to a manipulative narcissist who enjoys being perpetual victim. Having a disabled child is hard work - doing it with zero support and a husband who has never had him alone, meaning you’ve presumably never had a break at all - is hell.

Your DH has trapped you. You feel like you’re the bad guy because of how ‘hard’ his life is. But the only thing he does is work, and no matter how easy the job is he continually whines about it. You meanwhile run a home, do all the care for a severely disabled child and have your own mental health issues (no surprise) which you’re not allowed to talk about, because everything is so much harder for your husband

I think this sums it up. I think he has you exactly where he wants you. He continually puts barriers up to you working. If he actually wanted you to work he would do anything to encourage you to achieve it. But he doesn’t want to look after his own child so he won’t. He essentially told you you were too stupid to work in a chip shop for goodness sake. You know parenting isn’t optional, you can’t just opt out of the bits you don’t like. Because you know, everyone else loves changing shitty nappies.

You talk about him being frivolous with money now, yet you won’t challenge him on it because it’s his money. Why do you talk about it being his money rather than family money? Would you say the same if you were a sahm? Or is it because of guilt because you know you can’t work. You seem to see him as this great provider who cannot he challenged, when in reality you should be a team.

An EXTRA 20k a year and you're complaining?!! My OH and I both work ft and neither of us earn that in a YEAR!!!

@Specksofwhiteallaround

Anything online based would need to be purely online, I can deal with facing people in person but I still struggle hugely when I can’t avoid using the phone and I haven’t found anything like that personally. If the posters who insist there’s squillions of online jobs out there would like to send me some links I’d be grateful as I’m just not finding them. Before everyone piles in I already know the phone issue is a massive problem but no one seems to have any practical suggestions for how to deal with it. And yes I do use the phone when I absolutely need to but it can take me hours to work up the confidence to do it, I generally have to write down what I need to say and I’m often panicky and will obsess over the call for hours afterwards, I’m not sure this would be acceptable in a customer facing role. And no Dh isn’t having to coddle me over it while I ignore his issues, I’ve been this way the entire time he’s known me and it’s never commented on as what can he say.

Go on the £10 a day thread. There's about 50 links to various online based work from home, which you can pick up an hour or two a day at a time that suits you. I personally don't speak a second language but with transcription work or proofreading it isn't required. Nor is talking to another actual human. Just a few listening and spelling type tests. And if you fail, wait a little while and try again.

@Carrotgirl87 do you have a link to that thread by any chance please?

@doityourselfnow this is the July one which gives you an idea of how it works throughout the month etc...

July £10 a day thread http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legalmoneyy_matters/3955037-July-10-a-day-thread

Good luck xx

There has got to be a compromise here OP, if he wants to revert for his own sanity then that is fine but he then needs to step up with your son so you can work.

I also have PTSD from childhood trauma and social anxiety but have always worked and am the breadwinner in our family. EMDR and medication has really helped.

There are call centre/online customer service jobs WFH jobs, they are there if you look for them.