Am I horrible wife to not want my Dh to go back down A pay grade?

[Specksofwhiteallaround]

Just before lock down my husband was encouraged to apply for a job within his current company that came with a hell of a pay jump - an extra £20 k a year. I can’t go into detail as he works with the MoD but it’s essentially the same as his old job but a larger project hence the pay increase. He dithered a bit as he thought he wouldn’t get it but went for it and after being vouched for by various managers and coworkers above him he got it. He was told at the time if he was too much for him he could go back to his old job with no penalties.
Roll on four or so months and he’s now stressed, convinced he’s holding up the entire project and wants to go back to his old job. My problem with this is he has a horribly negative view of the world and no self confidence at all so he was exactly the same in his old job, only on top of that we were horribly off with money. We could afford our rent and bills but were having to use the credit card frequently for unexpected expenses. Public transport is sketchy and expensive so we never went anywhere unless my parents happened to visit and take us which is pretty embarrassing. Any treats were not an option and if we were given notice from our landlord we would be in an awful position.
He’s also refusing it acknowledge that he hasn’t actually had any time in this job that hasn’t been during lock down and working from home. It’s not an easy job to do at home, at least five of his co workers and managers have gone off work with stress and he was forced to take a week off before he ended up the same. They’ve now taken on additional staff and he admits things would be easier when they’re actually in a normal work environment but doesn’t seem willing to waiting until September when it sounds like they’ll all be back in work and see if there’s an improvement.
For context we have a six year old son who is autistic and attends a special school, I myself do not work as I have severe social anxiety and ptsd on top of that. I’d love to be able to say to him, fine go back to the old job but all I can think is that we can finally get by without getting into debt or worse having handouts from my family and he’s going to throw it all away and go back to a job that he spent just as much time complaining about and he’ll expect me to be sympathetic about it. I can’t even talk about it to my family as I’m mortified about talking to them about finally standing on our own two feet and giving my son everything he misses out on and then having to tell them we’re right back where we started.
I’m just so demoralised by it all that I can’t tell if I’m being completely selfish and if I should be supporting him with his choice.

Sorry I’ve just realised quite what an essay that is

1. Get the PiP and carers allowance form in ASAP.
2. Look into claiming PiP for yourself too - severe mental health issues and PTSD are recognised disabilities.
3. Go on the £10 a day thread - there are links to genuine online work, paid as you do them, and it adds up. It genuinely adds up. And the work is there to do from home, I do it myself

Or
My personal favourite:
"Iv found a job 6-9pm 4 days a week, you'll be looking after DS." No discussion.

Good luck

Do you actually like him? Do you feel he contributes positively to your life, apart from the money he brings in?

The more you post, the more it sounds like you'd be happier without him. I would hope that as a single mum of a disabled child you would also be okay financially but I have no experience there. Perhaps check on the Entitled To calculator?

I know single parenthood is bloody tough but it really doesn't sound like you get any of the benefits of a relationship and all the crap.

Life is too short to be with someone who doesn't make you happy.

I do like him, I realise I’ve been quite harsh on him here. I think lock down is amplifying all the things that annoy me about him at the moment as we’re all stuck in a small house together with no respite. On a more positive note we have talked this evening and he's said he didn’t realise how much his negativity gets me down and most of the time it’s just venting, not a serious cry for help. He also spoke again to his manager this morning and he’s reiterated that he’s happy with Dhs work but also agreed to plan more meetings with Dh to discuss his progression. He claims to still be enjoying his job over all and we’ve discussed using the health insurance we get for the family as part of his work benefits to look in some more therapy for me.

Sounds like a result OP do you feel a bit better after your chat?

That sounds great! Hopefully it's a weight off your mind knowing that he isn't going to keel over from stress of the job.

I'm sure you already know this (I have GAD and we know it better than anyone) but it's really hard to get yourself out of negative patterns of thought. I think you're going to have to do a lot of reminding him to be more positive and change is going to be slow. But if he really wants to change then it is possible.

@Specksofwhiteallaround

I do like him, I realise I’ve been quite harsh on him here. I think lock down is amplifying all the things that annoy me about him at the moment as we’re all stuck in a small house together with no respite. On a more positive note we have talked this evening and he's said he didn’t realise how much his negativity gets me down and most of the time it’s just venting, not a serious cry for help. He also spoke again to his manager this morning and he’s reiterated that he’s happy with Dhs work but also agreed to plan more meetings with Dh to discuss his progression. He claims to still be enjoying his job over all and we’ve discussed using the health insurance we get for the family as part of his work benefits to look in some more therapy for me.

This all very well and good . The proof will be in the pudding .

But what about him doing his bit with his child ? Will he also be addressing that ?

How about becoming a childminder you can work from home and stay with your own child. X

@Specksofwhiteallaround

I don’t enjoy hearing his every negative thought and having to constantly be optimistic and build him up but as everyone’s so kindly pointed out he supports me financially so I don’t feel I have a right to add to ask him to occasionally give it a rest.

I'm in your position inasmuch as I am a SAHM to 2 boys with complex needs. DH does pull his weight, though (youngest teen currently toilet training and won't go to the loo for me so dh setting his watch every 30 min, even when working!)

I do tell him when he's being a twat, though. It might be out of stress but it doesn't mean that it's right to be picking up the pieces while he does the stroppy teenager act.

@copperoliver

How about becoming a childminder you can work from home and stay with your own child. X

Because the legal ratios would be unprofitable with her own child, who probably couldn't cope with the intruders

Sorry, forgot the X.

Your chat sounds like a positive development - I think you need to keep being as real about your own needs with DH as you have been on MN. So this level of communication needs to continue.

You deserve support and your DH needs to realise that he sometimes should be operating a filter - he can't just offload on you all the time, when you have your own challenges. Maybe you need to start not always being the positive one!!

All the best to you OP - you deserve it flowers

I spent many years supporting a fragile DH mentally and realise I have neglected my own MH. If you are less of a natural "venter" it can feel like you need to exaggerate your feelings to a partner who finds offloading easy.

It can be an extrovert/introvert thing too.

Extroverts will sound off with no censor or nuance - introverts are more likely to underplay/MInimise their feelings or needs in their verbal communications. They can also assume that their other half should have an instinctive understanding of their feelings and the pressures they are under, when extroverts need it SPELT OUT, sometimes quite LOUDLY!

Is he more of an extrovert and you are, relatively at least, more introvert?

flowers

DOH

Pre lock down the local chip shop had a job advertised for two hours a day during school times, I thought it’d be a way of seeing how I managed working again. His response to me saying I might apply was to point out I’m crap at maths and will struggle then say he couldn’t take time off during the holidays so what would I do then

This is the classic (in my opinion abusive) stance men take when they don't want the woman to stop facilitating their job.

You are just as entitled to work outside of the home as he is. (And this job sounds like it would have been perfect - 2 hours during school time would be great solution).

The child has two parents. Both of whom are capable of looking after him.

Half of the childcare is your DH's responsibility, even during school holidays. At the moment you're choosing to cover it all. But if you want to work instead, then DH can no longer push his half of the childcare responsibility onto you. You'll need to sit down together and discuss options and how you can solve the problem.

At present, you're making 100% of the career sacrifice. Your DH is making 0%. By demanding that you never require him to cover a day of school holidays (or evenings, or weekends), he's making it completely impossible for you to work. And he knows it.

He sounds like a nasty piece of work. Whispering doubts into your ear about whether you can cope with the work, telling you that your child is your sole responsibility, vetoing the idea of you doing evening or weekend work because he might have to do some childcare. He wants you at home dealing with the childcare and the housework so he doesn't have to.

I bet you're far more capable of holding down a job than you think you are. If you didn't have his negative influence grinding down your confidence, and instead he was positive and encouraging and supportive... I reckon you might find you could work your way into a job you enjoyed and actually be good at.

Actually I’m more of an extrovert than him when in familiar surroundings, my trouble is mainly in unknown and new situations. That’s why I held down jobs for years, after a while I got to know the people and how things work and I was anxious all the time but I could manage it. I’d go do a 12 hour shift on the bar but on my day off I was too terrified to approach a shop assistant for help. It’s only since we moved to this area and our son has been diagnosed with autism that I’ve gotten much worse, I sometimes wonder if the stress of this has exacerbated my original problems.
Dh has always been quieter and happy to stay at home. He will joke with co workers about dealing with the job but it’s only me he offloads onto, he doesn’t have any friends outside of work and rarely speaks to his own family.

I think it's normal that your husband should find a new job, especially in lock-down, really stressful. You could encourage him to phone the Employee Assistance Programme or similar which MoD will have. They should be able to help him find coping techniques or similar that may help. Try to reassure your husband and maybe he should think about how he will feel if he steps down. Will he regret it? He ultimately needs to do what's best for his mental health.

At the same time, you should be considering going back to therapy. Therapists differ wildly.

You could also explore different types of employment. Now, post-Covid, more employers are working online and recruiting nationally. The Civil Service for example is now doing this and most departments are very flexible around child care and part time. You could also try looking at other things you can do from home. Can you develop a craft and sell things on Etsy or similar? People make toys and similar - some of which don't require much skill but do require patience (e.g. lots of sanding!) Also have a look on Fiver where you get paid a fiver for a small task - that might give you some ideas. Unless you get very good, you're unlikely to make a living but it might help reduce the financial pressures on the family and any emotional weight that could be on your husband.

I am constantly trying to get him to do more for our son but the fact that I don’t work right now and he does is always there in the background. He’s guilty of thinking he works so everything else is down to me and he knows it, he’s so passive he’ll never change of his own accord but I don’t feel I can push it because I’m aware of people thinking he’s carrying me so why shouldn’t I do it all.
He’s not completely useless, he spends a lot of time with him, helps with anything recommend by the school to help DS, he showers him every night and does a lot of the cooking. He just wants to opt out of the crappy jobs like toilet training and isn’t confident enough to look after him alone unless it’s at home. He wouldn’t dream of taking him out for a day but funnily enough on the odd occasion he’s been at home alone with him he’s managed to deal with nappies etc just fine.

His employers aren’t rushing to refer him to any in house help as they don’t think there’s any problem, they’re very happy with his work. Its literally just him who’s decided he’s useless. I know he’ll regret going back to his original job, he’s got form for making rash decisions then dwelling on it endlessly. After Completing his Phd he choose to stay on at his uni while his friends went onto industry jobs, not a month goes by that he doesn’t bemoan not doing the same as they all earn more than him. Another reason he was so happy to take this job was that he’d have caught up to them. Long term if he steps back I think it’ll eat away at him and he’ll seriously regret it, especially when he’s not given the job a real chance.

Hi Pi know you were not positive about ironing services or dog walking but it seems an expensive area you live in with rent costs so perhaps there are people that want those services. Where I live people use people pay for dog walkers, cleaners, people to iron. I would love a cleaner for term time only ( as not need one in school hols) and teacher and Uni lecturer friends of mine equally would want or have people to walk their dog or iron or clean in term time only, and I would only want it in school hours.

If you could get 2 jobs for two people a week - ironing for example then that extra money could make a diffference. On our local Facebook group people often ask for recommendations for a one off clean, or ironing due to a busy time etc.

Is it worth a try?

Specksofwhiteallaround

So why can't he use the private health benefits that his job affords him to access private counseling? You said that you are going to use it so why can't he?

“Iv found a job 6-9pm 4 days a week, you'll be looking after DS." No discussion. “ - if he wishes to earn less suggest that you will try to make up the shortfall by a job such as this so he has no choice but to do bedtime etc himself!! Obviously if he stays at higher salary then no need for you to do this.

I suspect he thinks he doesn’t need to talk to a professional when he’s got me to vent at
Like I’ve said previously he’s not stressed all the time and it doesn’t impact his day to day life barring needing constant reassurance so he doesn’t think he’s got a problem. In his mind he’s working too slow and he’s saying all the time that he’s letting work down but he refuses to believe when they say he’s not. It’s baffling and seems a silly reason to pack it all in so soon for.

Anyone needing constant reassurance has a MH issue which is impacting their day-to-day life. Not only that, it is impacting YOUR day-to-day life. If, as you say, he is overall OK with his job then he just needs to STOP offloading all the time. It is a negative reinforcement.

You can't be his saviour!

Like I’ve said previously he’s not stressed all the time and it doesn’t impact his day to day life barring needing constant reassurance

How can he be needing constant reassurance yet you say it's not impact his day to day life? Needing constant reassurance is impacting his day to day life because he has anxiety that he's trying to alleviate by seeking reassurance. How can you think constant anxiety isn't impacting him?

he’s saying all the time that he’s letting work down but he refuses to believe when they say he’s not. It’s baffling and seems a silly reason to pack it all in so soon for.

Again he's saying all the time - he's worrying about something all the time so it is affecting him. And not believing people when they reassure you is part of anxiety isn't it? The thoughts are intrusive and you don't believe people when they try to tell you you are wrong. And you might think it's a silly reason but I think you are dismissing his anxiety. How would you feel if he dismissed your anxiety as "silly"?

Hope you are doing OK today OP. I'm astounded at some of the posts on here insisting you should just get a job. Even the well meaning posters suggesting various money making ideas have absolutely no idea of the bone crushing fatigue and mental exhaustion that comes with having a disabled child. That's not even taking into account the PTSD and anxiety plus the issues with your DH.

You can't just work around special school hours as easily as you can with a normal school - for a start the day is normally shorter, you have to attend regular meetings and they can demand you collect your child at the drop of a hat if they so much as sneeze, for fear of affecting the medically ill children. There is no adequate holiday care for disabled children, and what little there is costs such a huge amount of money it isn't financially viable. Just keeping your child safe can be a 24/7 job. Every day is a constant grind and a new battle. I can't even begin to explain the challenges and the battering it gives to your mental health.

I have a severely disabled son but luckily I already had my job before I had him, and have managed to cling on to it (by the skin of my teeth at times). I couldn't imagine trying to find and retain a new job during the awful years where he was doubly incontinent and requiring 24/7 care.