Am I horrible wife to not want my Dh to go back down A pay grade?

[Specksofwhiteallaround]

Just before lock down my husband was encouraged to apply for a job within his current company that came with a hell of a pay jump - an extra £20 k a year. I can’t go into detail as he works with the MoD but it’s essentially the same as his old job but a larger project hence the pay increase. He dithered a bit as he thought he wouldn’t get it but went for it and after being vouched for by various managers and coworkers above him he got it. He was told at the time if he was too much for him he could go back to his old job with no penalties.
Roll on four or so months and he’s now stressed, convinced he’s holding up the entire project and wants to go back to his old job. My problem with this is he has a horribly negative view of the world and no self confidence at all so he was exactly the same in his old job, only on top of that we were horribly off with money. We could afford our rent and bills but were having to use the credit card frequently for unexpected expenses. Public transport is sketchy and expensive so we never went anywhere unless my parents happened to visit and take us which is pretty embarrassing. Any treats were not an option and if we were given notice from our landlord we would be in an awful position.
He’s also refusing it acknowledge that he hasn’t actually had any time in this job that hasn’t been during lock down and working from home. It’s not an easy job to do at home, at least five of his co workers and managers have gone off work with stress and he was forced to take a week off before he ended up the same. They’ve now taken on additional staff and he admits things would be easier when they’re actually in a normal work environment but doesn’t seem willing to waiting until September when it sounds like they’ll all be back in work and see if there’s an improvement.
For context we have a six year old son who is autistic and attends a special school, I myself do not work as I have severe social anxiety and ptsd on top of that. I’d love to be able to say to him, fine go back to the old job but all I can think is that we can finally get by without getting into debt or worse having handouts from my family and he’s going to throw it all away and go back to a job that he spent just as much time complaining about and he’ll expect me to be sympathetic about it. I can’t even talk about it to my family as I’m mortified about talking to them about finally standing on our own two feet and giving my son everything he misses out on and then having to tell them we’re right back where we started.
I’m just so demoralised by it all that I can’t tell if I’m being completely selfish and if I should be supporting him with his choice.

Sorry I’ve just realised quite what an essay that is

We don’t discuss my anxiety on a monthly let alone daily basis so who knows what he thinks. I’m really sick of people on here taking things so very literally and twisting it to make him the suffering victim and me the horrible wife. When I said he needs constant reassurance I didn’t mean every second of every day, I meant every time he has a a whinge about anything he wants me to tell him it’s all ok and he’s doing fine then ignores it anyway. For every message about him thinking he’s doing crap there’s another ten messages full of funny anecdotes and things he’s happy with, I didn’t think I needed to mention that as the problem is he’s focusing on the negative.
He doesn’t spend his down time worrying about work, the only time it’s mentioned is if it comes up in conversation what a colleague is doing that weekend for example.
And I keep saying this, he’s like this about everything it’s just how he is. Our son broke his favourite mug this morning, he’ll probably go on about it to me for weeks, every time he makes a mug of tea I can guarantee he’ll mention how much he liked that mug, am I dismissing his anxiety by telling him we’ll replace it and to just get over it

He sounds like hard work, OP. I’d be tempted to tell him to stop whining next time he’s moaning about his broken mug, life’s too short to obsess about mugs! Good luck with everything.💐

You've had a very hard time on here op. I really don't think people have any idea how hard it is to look after a child with severe SEN. Even if you do get a job, what will you do for childcare in the school holidays?

I think your husband suffers from imposter syndrome. Google it.

Anyway, you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. There are no obvious answers to a very difficult situation. Hopefully you'll get the additional benefits which will certainly help.

He sounds more and more like my ex. Terrible with money, professional victim, bone idle at home...

YABU. I think you are being selfish. It's not fair to ask him to sacrifice his mental health and stress himself. If he says he can't handle it you should take his word for it. A better job can come again later. Maybe look into getting a part time job to help out a bit with the bills.

The lack of compassion on here is astonishing. Yes, the OP sounds utterly ground down and defeatist in her posts, but piling in and telling her to cheer up, get over her mental health issues and get a job is hardly likely to help! Even if you take the view that this is one side of a complex story of a struggling family.... people really are being unkind.

OP, I think the fact you have stuck with this and read everyone's posts and responded shows a lot of resilience, which you should give yourself credit for. It sounds like you've got an awful lot on and it's hard to see the wood for the trees in the problems you have.
As somebody distant from it, I don't think what your husband does about his job is the main thing to focus on. It sounds as though you're doing what you can to reassure him, but ultimately he's the person who is doing the job and it can only be his decision. As you're a family, my personal view is that you should have some input into that, but ultimately it's his call. (As an example, my DH's 'ideal job' came up recently, but in a city 100 miles away which would have meant being away from home a couple of nights a week, a slight pay cut and a significantly worse pension deal. We discussed what it would mean for him and what it would mean for us as a family and how we could make it work; he was interested in my views and I think wouldn't have applied for it if I'd had strong feelings against, but I felt that ultimately it was his decision and I would support that either way.) But I suppose, my point is that that is ultimately out of your hands and it might be time to let it go for now and concentrate on some of the stuff that is yours to change.
It sounds as though there's an awful lot going on and it might be helpful to just focus on a couple of steps for now. Applying for the additional benefits seems like a good start. It sounds to me like you would benefit from more therapy and the chance to unpack some stuff with a professional - don't give up just because the last one was rubbish! But if that doesn't feel like the right route for you at the moment, can you think of some little steps you can take towards changing things? Maybe just thinking about what would help your mental health and give you a bit of confidence - a daily walk, an online course, self-help books, seeking out online support from people with children with similar needs? Obviously that may all be way off the mark, but there must be some tiny things you could do to improve life a bit and those tiny things might make things a little bit better and lead on to others and then slowly you could change the picture?

I don't know if any of that will be helpful. But at the very least I wanted to add (another) supportive response to the things you're reading on here.

YABU you can identify why your MH has declined, but you're not listening when your DH explains why his is declining.

You seem to want him to get on with it despite his anxiety and you to take a step back.

It's not fair, sorry.

I havent read the whole thread, but do you get DLA for your son OP, and are therefore able to claim Carers Allowance.

Off the back of this thread this morning I asked my husband if I was marginalising his mental health problems and his anxiety’s. He looked at me like I had two heads. I explained I specifically meant what he says about work and how it’s effecting him and he said he was just offloading, he’s pretty convinced that’s just what people do. He was fairly adamant he doesn’t have any mental health issues other than being a victor meldrew kinda guy. If the stress is as bad as posters are insisting he doesn’t seem to want me knowing about it.

Reading my original post back I probably shouldn’t have posted after having a long very stressful week with DS as I’ve vented in a way I don’t normally. The fact he can’t seem to decide himself what he wants to do is also causing a lot of stress, every time he mentions it I ask if that’s what he wants to do and he has a good vent then carries on like he’s never mentioned it. It’s starting to feel like an invisible threat hanging over me with no end.
I do really wish he’d give the job a couple more months but I haven’t voiced this to him the way I wrote it on here. I’ve just suggested he listen to what his managers say, keep talking to them and accept the support on offer. I don’t want to encourage him to step back as I think he’ll regret it but I will support him if he does.
I really wish I hadn’t mentioned my anxiety as being a reason I’m not currently working, it’s definitely an issue but posters have formed this image that I’m sat at home using it as a handy excuse not to work and it’s not how it is. That there are limited job opportunities, no flexibility from Dhs job and DS disabilities are more of a block to me working right now.

Impostor syndrome (also known as impostor phenomenon, impostorism, fraud syndrome or the impostor experience) is a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their accomplishments or talents and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a "fraud".[1] Despite external evidence of their competence, those experiencing this phenomenon remain convinced that they are frauds, and do not deserve all they have achieved. Individuals with impostorism incorrectly attribute their success to luck, or interpret it as a result of deceiving others into thinking they are more intelligent than they perceive themselves to be.[2] While early research focused on the prevalence among high-achieving women, impostor syndrome has been recognized to affect both men and women equally.[1][3]

Why not Google techniques to overcome this?

Thank you to everyone who’s suggested online work, I have looked into it several times but must be missing something as I’ve not found there to many opportunities especially as I don’t speak a second language. I’ve looked into jobs where human interaction is limited, I’ve done factory work in the past and it was ideal but there none within the limits of public transport in the area.
As far as cleaning or dog walking, there are two or three people advertising these services on local social media most days so I can’t see that there’d be much room for another competitor although I’m sure people will say this is another excuse.

He definitely has something like that, he’s constantly waiting for the axe to drop and every run of bad luck or unfortunate event he views as proof the universe is out to get him. He’s joked several times that covid happened to foil his new job
I very much doubt he’d admit to it being anything other than his personality so getting help is an issue. I might try broach the subject the next time he’s having a work rant see what he says.

@Staplemaple

The ignorance on this thread towards mental health and caring for a child with additional needs is quite astounding.

This, exactly this.

I don't think you abu at all OP.
I actually think your husband is the one who is unreasonable here.
A hard stressful job does not remove his responsibility to step up and care for his child.
I say that as a parent of an autistic son (who is now an adult). I know how hard and how isolating it is. I know what it is to have money issues and to have to live on credit cards from time to time. I was lucky in that I found a part-time job that fitted in with family life much more easily but I live in London so more opportunities perhaps (and pre-covid).
And I was lucky that my husband was a reasonable man who despite pressure at work still recognised that he was part of a family and had responsibilities in that area as well.

OP, you pretty much drip fed information. I initially posted earlier on thinking YABU. But then you mentioned more detail about the extent of money troubles and the fact that you have a disabled child which your DH doesn't ever want to take care of by himself and is pretty much restricting you from working.
I think if you had provided this information initially, you'd get less harsh criticism. Many people only read the original post before giving their opinion and don't read other posts or further information provided.

You certainly don’t need another language for online work. Another thing you can do from home, even more so since Covid, is customer service work.

I’m not sure answering people’s questions is drip feeding. I didn’t expect everyone to hone in on my employment status and I think most people would to try explain why the simple answer isn’t that I should just go get a job.
I also didn’t think DS’s disabilities had that much bearing on whether Dh should give a new job a bit longer or whether it’s ok for him to whinge about the loss of money when it’s his choice to let it go.

@Specksofwhiteallaround

I’m not sure answering people’s questions is drip feeding. I didn’t expect everyone to hone in on my employment status and I think most people would to try explain why the simple answer isn’t that I should just go get a job. I also didn’t think DS’s disabilities had that much bearing on whether Dh should give a new job a bit longer or whether it’s ok for him to whinge about the loss of money when it’s his choice to let it go.

I have no opinion on whether you should get a job or not. My view is that it's hypocritical of you to see your husband, and his job, as any different to your situation.

You don't work because of your MH so I think you should be supporting your husband to make whatever decision he feels supports his MH.

His MH is as important as yours and if he feels that he can't cope with this job then he should step down.

Anything online based would need to be purely online, I can deal with facing people in person but I still struggle hugely when I can’t avoid using the phone and I haven’t found anything like that personally. If the posters who insist there’s squillions of online jobs out there would like to send me some links I’d be grateful as I’m just not finding them.
Before everyone piles in I already know the phone issue is a massive problem but no one seems to have any practical suggestions for how to deal with it. And yes I do use the phone when I absolutely need to but it can take me hours to work up the confidence to do it, I generally have to write down what I need to say and I’m often panicky and will obsess over the call for hours afterwards, I’m not sure this would be acceptable in a customer facing role. And no Dh isn’t having to coddle me over it while I ignore his issues, I’ve been this way the entire time he’s known me and it’s never commented on as what can he say.

As I’ve 'drip fed' a million times, I am not choosing to not work because of my mental health, it’s a contributing issue but it’s not the sole reason I’m not working right now. I have brought up the possibility of me getting a job many times before he took this job and he wasn’t keep on the idea at all. He doesn’t want to do childcare in the evenings and school only jobs here are like gold dust. How am I being a hypocrite not working when he’s making it very hard to do so?? And I will support him going back to his old job, me wishing he wouldn’t do it and thinking he’ll regret it doesn’t mean I won’t support him if he chooses to.

I don't think you are being a hypocrite by not working.

I think you are being a hypocrite by not accepting, without question, his desire to step down from this job because of how it is affecting his MH.

He shouldn't have to stay in it if it is causing him so much anxiety that he wants to leave, just as he isn't making you go to work.

You keep saying what you think he should do. I think it should be his decision.

OP I think you might actually need to consider LTB. For all the ‘YABU’ responses suggesting you’re some kind of harridan, I actually think you’re married to a manipulative narcissist who enjoys being perpetual victim. Having a disabled child is hard work - doing it with zero support and a husband who has never had him alone, meaning you’ve presumably never had a break at all - is hell.

Your DH has trapped you. You feel like you’re the bad guy because of how ‘hard’ his life is. But the only thing he does is work, and no matter how easy the job is he continually whines about it. You meanwhile run a home, do all the care for a severely disabled child and have your own mental health issues (no surprise) which you’re not allowed to talk about, because everything is so much harder for your husband

Maybe get hold of a copy of ‘why does he do that,’ and if something resonates, look into things like coercive control. You can leave. People will help. Just because he doesn’t hit you doesn’t mean he isn’t abusing you.

@Specksofwhiteallaround

I’m not sure answering people’s questions is drip feeding. I didn’t expect everyone to hone in on my employment status and I think most people would to try explain why the simple answer isn’t that I should just go get a job. I also didn’t think DS’s disabilities had that much bearing on whether Dh should give a new job a bit longer or whether it’s ok for him to whinge about the loss of money when it’s his choice to let it go.

Can you not see that (on the face of it) you wanting your DH to continue with a role that's caused him stress whilst you have no job at all, would make people hone in on that? It made you seem like a hypocrite prior to providing extra info.

When you provided extra (quite significant information in my opinion). It changed my view completely. The fact that you have a disabled child means there is extra financial strain and you can't just have him in any child care provision as I assume he needs special care. The biggest factor I feel you left out was that your DH doesn't want to take care of your DS at any point to allow you to work. That factor alone means yanbu.
I haven't looked at all the other posts but perhaps you could look into being a virtual PA. You might have to make phone calls sometimes but it'll be from home so there's a lot less "stage fright"

I'd agree he needs to give it a real chance in the non covid affected way of working. All new roles are somewhat stressful, but time and experience lessens that. A meeting with a manager to discuss how they feel he is doing might reassure him too.

Sorry but at what point have I said it’s not his choice and I’ll force him to keep at it? Are you seriously suggesting I’m not allowed to have any private thoughts on it at all? I’ve not once told him what to do, he’s a grown adult, doesn’t mean I’m unequivocally going out agree with every decision he makes.
I thought him spending £300 on something completely frivolous when he’s mentioned going back to his original salary was extremely foolish but I didn’t stop him and I kept it to myself, his money so his decision. I don’t understand where your getting the idea that I’m telling him what to do and refusing to support him.