Am I horrible wife to not want my Dh to go back down A pay grade?

[Specksofwhiteallaround]

Just before lock down my husband was encouraged to apply for a job within his current company that came with a hell of a pay jump - an extra £20 k a year. I can’t go into detail as he works with the MoD but it’s essentially the same as his old job but a larger project hence the pay increase. He dithered a bit as he thought he wouldn’t get it but went for it and after being vouched for by various managers and coworkers above him he got it. He was told at the time if he was too much for him he could go back to his old job with no penalties.
Roll on four or so months and he’s now stressed, convinced he’s holding up the entire project and wants to go back to his old job. My problem with this is he has a horribly negative view of the world and no self confidence at all so he was exactly the same in his old job, only on top of that we were horribly off with money. We could afford our rent and bills but were having to use the credit card frequently for unexpected expenses. Public transport is sketchy and expensive so we never went anywhere unless my parents happened to visit and take us which is pretty embarrassing. Any treats were not an option and if we were given notice from our landlord we would be in an awful position.
He’s also refusing it acknowledge that he hasn’t actually had any time in this job that hasn’t been during lock down and working from home. It’s not an easy job to do at home, at least five of his co workers and managers have gone off work with stress and he was forced to take a week off before he ended up the same. They’ve now taken on additional staff and he admits things would be easier when they’re actually in a normal work environment but doesn’t seem willing to waiting until September when it sounds like they’ll all be back in work and see if there’s an improvement.
For context we have a six year old son who is autistic and attends a special school, I myself do not work as I have severe social anxiety and ptsd on top of that. I’d love to be able to say to him, fine go back to the old job but all I can think is that we can finally get by without getting into debt or worse having handouts from my family and he’s going to throw it all away and go back to a job that he spent just as much time complaining about and he’ll expect me to be sympathetic about it. I can’t even talk about it to my family as I’m mortified about talking to them about finally standing on our own two feet and giving my son everything he misses out on and then having to tell them we’re right back where we started.
I’m just so demoralised by it all that I can’t tell if I’m being completely selfish and if I should be supporting him with his choice.

Sorry I’ve just realised quite what an essay that is

Some of the people on here should offer therapy, you’d work miracles. Agoraphobic? Just go outside, everyone else has to! Anorexic? Just eat! Claustrophobic? Just get in a closet and deal with it. It’s just that easy, get on with it and stop being a drain on society. The therapist I saw might have been one of you actually, that’s pretty much the advice I got given by her...

I'll be honest OP, with everything you have written, I would suggest leaving him and moving somewhere with more support, more job options, cheaper rent and so on.

You do everything in the house and for your son so it's not like you will miss his help.

You could claim full benefits and he would have to pay maintenance.

I imagine your own mental health would improve if you were not constantly subjected to his negativity and criticism.

I understand you may not be thinking in these terms right now but personally I don't think you would be unreasonable to consider it.

I think I thought that by now with our son in school I thought I’d be in a better place to find some work, he would help out a bit more at home and we’d be more equal but it just hasn’t happened. I was naive regarding his work inhibiting my own job prospects, he’s due to go to the Netherlands in September for two weeks, if I was working I’m not sure what care options there would be for after school. It’s definitely something I need to look into more.

Sounds like your husband has a whole lot of pressure on his shoulders, with much if it coming from you!!

If you want him to keep earning, I at suggest you try to do something to relieve the pressure on him

Oh ok, I’ll insist he starts leaving work early and he can forget about working away too so I can start working evenings, that’ll take the pressure right off him and I’m sure his employer won’t mind. Or better yet I leave completely and then he’ll be stress free right? Except he won’t as he’ll have the same job pressures, less money and no one to do sole care for his kid and everything else outside of work he’ll suddenly have to find time for. Sure he’ll love that.

Ha I told the therapist about losing two jobs in the past as my mother twice rang up my place of work drunk and ranted at various managers as revenge for some perceived slight and she said she could see why I was on edge at work while she was still alive
Before anyone says it was my own fault for her having my work phone number, both jobs were in pubs and the phone numbers were freely available online so not a lot a could do outside of hiding where I worked.

@tttigress sounds like you could do with reading the whole thread or at least OP's posts.

@Specksofwhiteallaround it's good to see you found your voice and even a bit of anger on this thread. However, you need to aim that at your husband, no PP's no matter how dumb some of the posts are. They aren't causing this situation and aren't able to change it either, your husband is.

You need to talk to him and tell him straight, that you need his help and support and he needs to step up. His job is neither here or there, he still needs to look after his son and do his share of housework. You want to find a job, he needs to accommodate that. If he is despressed/anxious he needs to talk to his GP and ask for help. You've had years of negativity from this man, he has you isolated, limited options and refuses to help. Something tells me that's exactly how he likes it.

Tbh I'd seriously consider moving back to where you were...

@Specksofwhiteallaround

I wasn’t sure whether to come back to this thread as It seemed a bit pointless as every attempt to try explain why my issues and the work climate in our immediate area make it not so easy to use go out and get a job is being labelled an excuse. My mother was a vicious, abusive alcoholic and I’ve struggled my entire with feeling that I’m a waste of space and an utter failure for struggling with life and not just being normal, it’s horrible realisation that the vast majority of replies here think the same. I wouldn’t dream of telling someone with any serious mental health issues to just go get a job, I’m not sure why people think anxiety is any different but I can see now they do. To the people demanding to know our finances, yes Dh was vastly underpaid as he was on £35k but other colleagues were on the £55 k he now receives. We live here as we had to move close to the site he works in and this was the only place where there was a supermarket that is within walking distance and schools altho that turned out to be a moot point. Our rent is nearly £1000 and Dh has a large train bill every year for travel to work. Until last year we were also servicing a loan we had to take out to enable us to move here when he got this job and with other expenses associated with that we just never seemed to get to a position where we weren’t relying on credit cards at the end of the month. And I’m sorry to disappoint but it’s not me who’s sitting at home spending money we don’t have. The last time we finally cleared the credit card Dh started making noises about an event he wanted to attend- alone and because I don’t work and feel I’m constantly dragging him down I said that’s fine so almost £600 went on the card for a hotel, entry to the event and meals out while I stayed home with my son. He also got a new mobile phone on contract where as I used an old one of my dads that I was gifted for Christmas and only prepay. As far as his support for me leaving my job he also encouraged me to leave as a was suffering chronic RSI and was diagnosed with skin cancer on top of my anxiety issues, the plan was to take some time and look for work that suited me better and meant I wasn’t working 12 hour shifts half the night as he wanted to see more of me but then he lost his job at the uni he worked at and shortly after I found out I was pregnant. When he got the job with this company we had to move to the south and my dad and step mum paid for everything for us and let me live with them for over a year with a newborn Dh went into a houseshare as that’s all we could afford to do. That’s when he started having confidence issues, every day I get messages about how sure he was they were going to sack him and how badly he’s doing etc but obviously they didn’t, he’s been offered two jobs in house and now this third one. His mum worked and then was at home being cared for his by his dad from age 11 as she developed MS so I think that’s why he’s got this picture in his head about me being home for our son. He’s also unwilling to compromise on anything to do with his work to facilitate me working even if I could find something. But yes I’ll agree I’m selfish for not wanting him to give up the money so soon. He was so happy to have that stress eliminated I just can’t understand why he’s so hell bent on going back to it. I’m also angry as he’s spent a over two grand of that money on himself when he must have known it was temporary, he also made a big deal of getting me a new mobile and a contract which now we’ve got to keep paying for.

People are giving you a rotten time and I'm liking your husband less and less. I suspected that the flash spending on his part was more habitual than a one off.

And, as for the people suggesting (the stock suggestion that) you work as a TA. They are seriously underestimating the years of experience that most special school TAs have. Has anyone suggested you take in ironing, yet? ;)

Oh yes, dog walking, ironing, make things to sell. I’d love to know how many people actually do this and make a go of it. I mean I can cross stitch but I can’t see anyone buying one...
And yes he’s generally quite mean with money until it’s something he fancies but I knew that when I married him and it wasn’t so much an issue when I was working and had my own money. He does have a lot of good qualities though as do I, mental health problems aside

@Specksofwhiteallaround

Oh yes, dog walking, ironing, make things to sell. I’d love to know how many people actually do this and make a go of it. I mean I can cross stitch but I can’t see anyone buying one... And yes he’s generally quite mean with money until it’s something he fancies but I knew that when I married him and it wasn’t so much an issue when I was working and had my own money. He does have a lot of good qualities though as do I, mental health problems aside

Mean with money, mean with love.

He didn’t have much of either when his mum became ill so I can understand why he is how he is.

He is awful and I wouldn't be surprised if he is part of the source of much of your anxiety.

It sounds pretty miserable where you live: poor transport links , few job opportunities etc

The thing that stood in one of your posts was that he messages you from his workspace upstairs , offloading every worry that is running through his head ... I would put a stop to this ... this is the equivalent of the mental workload , he has no right to offload this onto you day in day out.

I think a few posters have given you some practical advice on reapplying for benefits you are entitled to for your child and you as his carer.

I honestly think you would be better off without your husband ; emotionally, mentally and financially.

It sounds like a miserable existence with somebody who takes all the nice things for himself and has put you in a position of being his punchbag.

@Specksofwhiteallaround

He didn’t have much of either when his mum became ill so I can understand why he is how he is.

I can't. Growing up in poverty might make you thrifty and careful with money, but you say he's terrible with it.

I don’t enjoy hearing his every negative thought and having to constantly be optimistic and build him up but as everyone’s so kindly pointed out he supports me financially so I don’t feel I have a right to add to ask him to occasionally give it a rest.

@Specksofwhiteallaround

I don’t enjoy hearing his every negative thought and having to constantly be optimistic and build him up but as everyone’s so kindly pointed out he supports me financially so I don’t feel I have a right to add to ask him to occasionally give it a rest.

Well maybe that's another reason why he doesn't want you to work.

You also say he indulges himself when he's flush. Do you get some treats as well? If not, I don't see why a crap upbringing would have you indulging yourself and not your beloved life partner.

I always wonder what all these lucrative work from home jobs are. My OH was transferred from pillar to post, pretty much every 18mths, expected to work all hours, had to work away for weeks on end. Childcare was impossible, we never had a support network and I gave up on having a career.
Did a bit of cleaning here and there - not always a great thing for your mental health, you don't realise how utterly shitty some people treat cleaners. Tried Avon, even made tissue paper bloody flowers, got scammed a time or two.
I do make a bit of a living now, but it's something that you need a skill for.
Would love to know what people on this thread are doing from home, that you can just walk into, not including things like book keeping, which obviously needs qualifications (and in the OPs case she would need to fit in looking after a SN child and all housekeeping).

He does but not to the same extent, it’s something we’ve discussed a lot but he still slips up. My idea of a treat is lunch out when my parents visit so they don’t feel they have to treat us but he always complains we’ve over spent. I don’t complain when he has a weekend away and buys an expensive garden item. It’s his money though so what can I say.

@Specksofwhiteallaround

He does but not to the same extent, it’s something we’ve discussed a lot but he still slips up. My idea of a treat is lunch out when my parents visit so they don’t feel they have to treat us but he always complains we’ve over spent. I don’t complain when he has a weekend away and buys an expensive garden item. It’s his money though so what can I say.

Well that's just it. It's supposed to be family money. But if he can claim it's his, and guilt you for not earning, then you just have to put up with this and be grateful for it.

I don't intend this as an insult to any other individual with mental health issues (I have my own) but with respect to him, just him: do you ever get the impression that he could potentially manage his anxiety a bit better, but chooses not to as a way of controlling you and keeping things how he wants them, no matter what the cost to you?

I’d love to be able to get over my anxiety and train for something that would be a proper career but that takes more money and time than we have. I began to train as a chef when I was 17 but my mum threw me out of the house and I left the course, after that I just didn’t have the heart or the money to start again and began working in pub kitchens from that point on so that’s my only real working experience. I don’t enjoy having no money of my own and being a drain on my husband despite what people might think.

The more you post the more concerned I get about your relationship. He's got you right where he wants you doesn't he?

Isolated, low confidence, struggling with your mental health, doing everything for him and your child , willing to put up with anything because he's the big man bringing in the money and too worried about adding to his "stress" to her ver complain or ask for help.

That's no way to live , there's much more to life than that.

Why don't you look for work from home type work? It's often not great pay but due to the way personal allowances work it is the same as him earning a lot more. Lots of people have social anxiety, it doesn't prevent all work, you just need to find the right job

Having a disabled child is a full time job in itself.