Am I horrible wife to not want my Dh to go back down A pay grade?

[Specksofwhiteallaround]

Just before lock down my husband was encouraged to apply for a job within his current company that came with a hell of a pay jump - an extra £20 k a year. I can’t go into detail as he works with the MoD but it’s essentially the same as his old job but a larger project hence the pay increase. He dithered a bit as he thought he wouldn’t get it but went for it and after being vouched for by various managers and coworkers above him he got it. He was told at the time if he was too much for him he could go back to his old job with no penalties.
Roll on four or so months and he’s now stressed, convinced he’s holding up the entire project and wants to go back to his old job. My problem with this is he has a horribly negative view of the world and no self confidence at all so he was exactly the same in his old job, only on top of that we were horribly off with money. We could afford our rent and bills but were having to use the credit card frequently for unexpected expenses. Public transport is sketchy and expensive so we never went anywhere unless my parents happened to visit and take us which is pretty embarrassing. Any treats were not an option and if we were given notice from our landlord we would be in an awful position.
He’s also refusing it acknowledge that he hasn’t actually had any time in this job that hasn’t been during lock down and working from home. It’s not an easy job to do at home, at least five of his co workers and managers have gone off work with stress and he was forced to take a week off before he ended up the same. They’ve now taken on additional staff and he admits things would be easier when they’re actually in a normal work environment but doesn’t seem willing to waiting until September when it sounds like they’ll all be back in work and see if there’s an improvement.
For context we have a six year old son who is autistic and attends a special school, I myself do not work as I have severe social anxiety and ptsd on top of that. I’d love to be able to say to him, fine go back to the old job but all I can think is that we can finally get by without getting into debt or worse having handouts from my family and he’s going to throw it all away and go back to a job that he spent just as much time complaining about and he’ll expect me to be sympathetic about it. I can’t even talk about it to my family as I’m mortified about talking to them about finally standing on our own two feet and giving my son everything he misses out on and then having to tell them we’re right back where we started.
I’m just so demoralised by it all that I can’t tell if I’m being completely selfish and if I should be supporting him with his choice.

Sorry I’ve just realised quite what an essay that is

You really need help to help you fill in the dla forms, have you a local carers group? Someone at school might be able to help ? His would give you some extra breathing space. If you get it (and if he's at a special school you should qualify) then you would be able to claim carers allowance. This would enable you to have some of your own money.

I don’t think he even thinks he’s got anxiety about work. All he’s thinking is he’s not getting stuff done fast enough at work at it’s his fault and he’s heading straight back to unemployment.
He’s ignoring his managers feedback completely, I suspect he thinks they’re being nice to him which is just ridiculous. No employer is going to say your doing well when actually your letting the team down. I don’t think he should be basing his decision to step back a role on his own feeling of not being good enough but if that’s what he wants I’ll support him.

My point was, you seem to want and expect a shed-load of understanding and sympathy for your issues; yet you give no consideration to your DH's clearly extreme stress.

OP, I really feel for you, it sounds like such a stressful time for you both right now.
Social anxiety is a killer when it comes to finding employment (I work with people with social anxiety so know what it can be like) - but there are ways and steps that you can take, even if just volunteering, doing an online course or talking to a careers advisor. I think it's important to show your husband that you are willing to do what you can and be proactive in improving your own mental health so that you can be a better support/ earn in the future.
I also think it sounds like he is VERY stressed. Maybe it is reasonable or maybe it isn't, it's impossible to know from the outside. Either way, he is stressed and struggling and sounds like he needs some support. Perhaps it would help him to talk to a GP or therapist about his issues and how he's feeling.
You're right that he's currently working through Covid, everyone's struggling and things might ease up a bit in future. It could be just a difficult period, or it could be that it's a difficult job regardless. Either way, it sounds like he needs someone to talk to to help him figure it out. Perhaps some anti depressants or anxiety meds would help him in the short term as well.
Whatever you decide I wish you all the best. It's a hard time for so many right now.

(P.S. I haven't been able to read through the whole thread so that is just based on what was said on first couple of pages - sorry if it's evolved and is no longer relevant!)

@Specksofwhiteallaround

I don’t enjoy hearing his every negative thought and having to constantly be optimistic and build him up but as everyone’s so kindly pointed out he supports me financially so I don’t feel I have a right to add to ask him to occasionally give it a rest.

Do not respond to the texts he sends you from upstairs , you don't need to be available to his every thought . Stop trying to come up with a solution to every grievance he has about his workload.

Silence in situations like this are powerful . You will eventually see that even when he is working he is not allowing you to have space away from him.

It's not his money , it's family money ... if you were not caring for your child, you would be in a position to get a job which a lot of posters are very flippantly stating you should get . You being the carer is facilitating him to be able to work .

You need to look into additional benefits your child is entitled to . This will give you the wiggle room to start extracting yourself from his grip .

He has you exactly where he wants you .

Erm no I get very little empathy or understanding for my own issues which this thread demonstrates pretty well. I’ve spent years feeling like crap that I’m useless because I’ve struggled to get back to work after my sons started school and tried to get help but it’s never enough. I’m always going to be the horrible wife forcing her stressed husband out to work.
Could you also point out where have I given him no consideration? I do everything for him, don’t complain when he uses the money he earns to cheer himself up, I spend hours telling him he’s doing a good job and trying to offer practical help that he doesn’t want. I encourage him to go see friends out ore lock down, I don’t have any and never go out. What more can I do? He’s strangely happy most of the time for a guy under such extreme stress. He’s a hell of a lot less miserable than I am right now that’s for sure.

He’s strangely happy most of the time for a guy under such extreme stress.

Of course he is. He gets to check out if family life, do nothing around the house, do nothing for his son, have a social life and buy himself stuff to treat himself AND he gets to offload all the worries ,stress and mental workload of work onto you.

Ofc he's happy most of the times and wants you to be at home, under his thumb and control, eternally grateful that he brings money in.

Honestly , if this was in relationships and about his behaviour and refusal to support you into going back at work everyone would tell you to LTB .

Is there any way you could move? Would a slightly more expensive area actually work out to save you money in what you are paying in transport?

It may actually be that him offloading every little bad thought onto you is actually making him worse not better, especially if it's constant (plus it's going to be getting you down as well) - would it be possible for him not to contact you during the day from upstairs - but agree that you will listen to him moan ('talk about his day') for a set period of time afterwards (set a time limit 20-30 minutes)

He does need to give this job more time - this is even more so during the current situation. I got a promotion in December (within NHS but a different trust) and said I'd give it 6 months - well within that 6 months COVID hit. It's only recently that I'm starting to feel I know what I'm doing (and thats not 100%) - he needs to give it longer, but that time needs to be in the new normal. I do wonder if the fact that he's had several promotions in a short period of time actually is worsening his issue in that his foundations aren't that secure in his own abilities (I think you said this is the 3rd one since you moved and moved when your son was little - so he's not had any of the jobs for more than 2 years - 2 years is about when you get to the point of unconscious competence, each job he's been in the 'this is new, or have to think what I do before I do it' - thats the point where it gets easier (of course for many people thats also where it gets boring)

The promotions didn’t affect the basics of his job, the only way I can describe it is that the hardware and system he’s working on increases in size and complexity but his job is the same. The additional stress of this job is they were already behind schedule when he took it as they’d dithered a long time on who to hire. He was plunged into the deep end and really hasn’t had a chance to catch up yet, then with lockdown it’s made that much harder. He’s dealing with the Netherlands over the phone as opposed to in person which was postponed. I’m not denying he’s stressed out but so much of it is related to trying to do his job from our bedroom so I just think he should sit tight and wait until he’s back in the office. If he finds it’s actually ok and keeps the job then great, we can look at more help and possibly some further training for me so I can contribute. If not we’ll deal with it, but it I’d rather he took the offered help and tried as it’d make a big difference to both of us.

@ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble

He’s strangely happy most of the time for a guy under such extreme stress.

Of course he is. He gets to check out if family life, do nothing around the house, do nothing for his son, have a social life and buy himself stuff to treat himself AND he gets to offload all the worries ,stress and mental workload of work onto you.

Ofc he's happy most of the times and wants you to be at home, under his thumb and control, eternally grateful that he brings money in.

Honestly , if this was in relationships and about his behaviour and refusal to support you into going back at work everyone would tell you to LTB .

This. It sounds like he's done a number on you.

Specsofwhiteallaround

There are some alternatives.
Firstly , IF your DH dropped back to old salary grade you WOULD still be entitled to about £120 a week UC .

I have calculated this on the information supplied ..

Earnings DH £35k
Rent £1k
Council Tax (guess but high rent area around £1980 p. a)

This is £6k alone that you weren't previously claiming .. HOWEVER ..

As you say, DS is now diagnosed. DLA for him (standard award for child who needed portage and speech therapy- but yet a welfare specialist to claim it , they know these forms !)

DLA (or PIP depends where you live)

£83.30 per week. (Low rate mobility mid rate care)

Carers allowance for you. £67.25 a week. (If he is awarded mid rate care)

Disability and carers are NOT Means tested so even if DH stays in his job you will still get those.

But if he does go back to previous grade, you are entitled to £292.05 a week which you are currently not claiming. That's over £15k a year to help you with a disabled child. It will also allow you to stay at home if that is what you choose.

Get the DLA / Pip done whilst DH takes a rest. Then reevaluate.

If you want advice please PM me. I do this for a job.

His school have previously offered to help me fill in forms so I definitely do need to sort that out. His school have given us advice on claiming from various charities but my understanding is that this is for home equipment that he doesn’t need and to fund things like extra horse riding lessons like what he does at school but as we have no way of reaching the places these activities happen it seems pointless applying for the money.

I dunno why he's concerned about the speed of the project. I've only been in the public sector less than half a year and not one project has stuck to its time scale. That's a problem in private too though to be fair.

It's mod. It's public sector. There are 10 year old plus projects in public sector that still aren't done. So what? Do your hours and leave, you've done what you can. As long as his bosses are happy, it very rarely matters if the project is late. They are always bloody late. Closest I've seen so far was a project that ran one day over, still late. Tell him to ignore the damn timescales as they are really just guidelines, and do his job. Enjoy it and gain the experience.

That’s what his manager says. He’s had to repeatedly tell him to stop pulling all nighters all the time, he’s just a perfectionist who can’t stop himself. His manager said last week that he’s off golfing and doesn’t want to see that he’s been online after his set hours. No ones critical of him but him. He just can’t deal with anything being less than perfect.

Is he MoD or is he working in a company that supplies the MoD? I feel like there's quite a big difference in expectations.

Supplies the MoD, so there is a money element to not delivering on time but despite what he thinks it’s not all on his shoulders. His managers have said this repeatedly.

@ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble

He’s strangely happy most of the time for a guy under such extreme stress.

Of course he is. He gets to check out if family life, do nothing around the house, do nothing for his son, have a social life and buy himself stuff to treat himself AND he gets to offload all the worries ,stress and mental workload of work onto you.

Ofc he's happy most of the times and wants you to be at home, under his thumb and control, eternally grateful that he brings money in.

Honestly , if this was in relationships and about his behaviour and refusal to support you into going back at work everyone would tell you to LTB .

Exactly this! He doesn’t change nappies and won’t look after his son on his own to enable his wife to work, but expects her to arrange her life around his work.

OP, I'm so sorry about all the shitty "get a job" responses you've had on this thread.

I also live with PTSD and it is an illness I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I do work but I have a supportive DH who does his more than his fair share around the house and is very 'hands on' with the DC, which really does make all the difference. Also, my DC don't have any disabilities/SEN and it's still really hard some days to manage my PTSD symptoms and juggle work with Motherhood so I have every sympathy for your situation. If my DH's attitude to family life was like yours and any of my DC had additional needs I know there is no way in hell I could maintain my career and keep myself mentally well. The people berating you on this thread should be ashamed of themselves. As a society we may have come a long way in our understanding of Mental Health but, as this thread still demonstrates, there is still a long way to go. for you and please try not to take some of the shittier responses on this thread to heart- I know it's easier said than done.

Could you also point out where have I given him no consideration?

From your opening post: "he’s now stressed, convinced he’s holding up the entire project and wants to go back to his old job"

And your thread title where you say that (despite his extreme stress) you do "not want my Dh to go back down A pay grade". That is not giving his mental health issues the same consideration that you expect for your own.

Yes but I also said that I would support him if he does want to go back. I haven’t said anything to him other than to consider waiting until he’s gone back to the office and seen what it’s actually like. And you’ve come up with extreme stress, I simply said he was stressed. He’s never going to have a job with no stress, are you suggesting I should encourage him to give up work completely? Ok I’d prefer he didn’t do it so hastily but I’ve not said he can’t, it’s entirely up to him. Your making out I’m forcing a very mentally unwell man down the salt mines for cash and it’s just not how it is.

He’s not an engineer

@QueSera the man refuses to change his son's nappies ffs . He's not exactly a victim here.

A struggling mum of a special needs child posts to MN for advice and this is the response. A crisis of hate indeed.